Shadowing Practice: The Science Behind Dramatically Better Conversations | Charles Duhigg | TED - Learn English Speaking with YouTube
C2
So I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment,
223 sentences
If sentences are too short or too long, click Edit to adjust them.
1
So I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment,
2
which is that when you leave this room,
3
when you go out into the world,
4
today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it,
5
I'd like you to ask and answer one question of someone who's a stranger.
6
You might meet them on the bus,
7
you might meet them walking down the street,
8
and I'm going to show you the question that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer.
9
The question is, when was the last time you cried in front of someone?
10
Now just out of curiosity,
11
how many of you are really excited about this experiment?
12
Not, no hands went up whatsoever.
13
And that makes sense, right?
14
Because like there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger,
15
asking them when they've cried in front of someone else,
16
and then telling them about the time you cried in front of someone else.
17
But I'm gonna try and convince you over the next few minutes
18
that this experiment is not only worth doing It's worth doing whenever you can
19
Because it will make your life better
20
and explain how I got to this I have to tell you a little bit of a story about me
21
and my wife
22
Few years ago we got into this bad pattern we've been married for 20 years
23
But I would come home from a long day at the office
24
I was a reporter at the New York Times at
25
that point and I would start complaining about my day about how I'm not appreciated enough
26
and my wife very reasonably would offer me some great advice
27
she would say something like why don't you take your boss out to lunch
28
and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better
29
and instead of being able to hear her I would get even more upset
30
and I would say things like why aren't you supporting me you should be outraged on my behalf
31
and she would get upset
32
because I was attacking her for giving me good advice this
33
was not anyone ever have an experience like this it was not in a good good situation
34
and so I So I went and I started talking to researchers who were studying communication.
35
I asked them, why am I getting into this pattern?
36
And they said, well, you're making a mistake.
37
We're living through this golden age of understanding communication,
38
really for the first time,
39
because of advances in neural imaging and data collection.
40
And they said, one of the big things that we've learned is
41
that we tend to think of a discussion as being just one conversation, right?
42
We're talking about one thing,
43
my day, or the kids' grades,
44
what to have for dinner.
45
What they said is that actually each discussion contains many different conversations.
46
And in general these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets.
47
There's these practical conversations where we're talking about what's this all about,
48
what are we really discussing.
49
But then there's emotional conversations where we're talking about how do we feel.
50
And my goal is to share with you my feelings and I don't want you to solve them,
51
I want you to empathize.
52
And then there's conversations that are social conversations about who we are,
53
the social identities that are important to us,
54
how we relate to each other and how we relate to society.
55
And what the researchers said is what we've learned is that if people are having different conversations at the same moment,
56
they can't really hear each other.
57
They can't really connect.
58
And in fact, this is exactly what was happening with me
59
and my wife right I was coming home
60
and having an emotional conversation my wife was responding with a practical conversation they are both legitimate conversations
61
but because we weren't having the same conversation at the same moment we weren't really communicating with each other
62
and within neurology and psychology this insight is known as the matching principle which says that successful communication
63
requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring and then matching each other.
64
But how do we do that?
65
Well in schools they've actually taught teachers to do this.
66
If you are a school teacher and you'll probably learn at some point
67
that if a student comes up to you with a problem
68
or they want something they want to talk about you should ask them do you want to be helped
69
which is a practical conversation,
70
do you want to be hugged which is an emotional conversation,
71
or do you want to be heard which is a social conversation.
72
And it seems to work.
73
It seems like if you ask students what they need, they'll tell you.
74
But of course that is hard to do in real life, right?
75
If you go up and you ask someone at work if they want a hug,
76
the HR might get involved.
77
So you might not want to do that.
78
But luckily there is another way of doing this for all of us normal people,
79
which is to ask questions.
80
And in particular to ask a certain type of question,
81
a special question, what's known as a deep question.
82
A deep question is something that invites us to talk about our values
83
or our beliefs or our experiences and that can sound a little intimidating
84
but it's actually much easier than it sounds for instance instead
85
of asking someone where do you work you could ask them
86
what do you love about your job instead of asking someone
87
where'd you go to high school you could say what was
88
high school like wait what did you learn there what what
89
changed you there put differently instead of asking about the facts of someone's life,
90
we should ask them how they feel about their life.
91
Because when we do, they tend to reveal to us who they really are.
92
They tend to tell us what they want not only out of this conversation,
93
but how they hope that we'll see them and how they want to see us.
94
What matters to them most?
95
In fact, what studies show us is that this is
96
so powerful because these kinds of questions allow us to be vulnerable and vulnerability and reciprocal vulnerability.
97
When we hear vulnerability and we become vulnerable in return,
98
is the key to allowing us to connect with other people.
99
And to explain how this works,
100
I want to tell you a story about this guy, Dr. Bhafar Adai.
101
Dr. Adai is a cancer surgeon in New York City.
102
He specializes in prostate cancer,
103
removing prostate tumor, removing cancer tumors from prostates.
104
And he He has this kind of interesting job because every single day a patient will come into his office asking,
105
he thinks, for medical advice,
106
and what he will tell them is,
107
you should not get surgery.
108
The prostate is located so close to the nerves that control urination and sexual function that it's a relatively risky surgery.
109
And what's more, most prostate tumors,
110
they grow very, very slowly.
111
It's actually one of the slowest growing forms of cancer in existence.
112
There's a saying among doctors that if you have an old patient with prostate cancer,
113
he's going to die of old age before the cancer kills him.
114
And so doctor and I would have these patients come in
115
and he would tell them look I don't think you should do anything In fact,
116
I think you should do this thing called active surveillance.
117
What we're gonna do is we're gonna take a blood sample
118
Every six months we're gonna do a biopsy every two years
119
And if the tumor seems to change we'll do an MRI
120
and if we have to we can do the surgery But otherwise no radiation no surgery.
121
It's gonna be okay And these patients would listen to them
122
and then they would go home and they would discuss it with their spouse
123
And then they would walk in the next day
124
and they would insist on having the surgery They would say
125
I absolutely want you to cut me open take the tumor out as fast as possible
126
and for dr Dye this was bewildering right he thought these
127
would be the easiest conversations of his life He's telling people
128
that they don't have to have surgery and he's a surgeon
129
He told me that when this happens again and again
130
and again you start to realize this isn't a problem with my patients
131
This is a problem with me I'm doing something wrong and
132
so he goes to these folks these professors at the Harvard Business School
133
and he asks them for advice on what to do differently
134
and they said well look the biggest mistake
135
that you're making is you are starting this conversation all wrong you are starting by assuming
136
that the patient walks into your room into your exam room looking for advice
137
and looking for medical solutions but you don't know
138
if that's true you're not asking them any questions what you
139
need to do is you need to start asking deep questions
140
so two weeks later after having this conversation a 62 year
141
old man comes into dr. Adai's office for the first time
142
he had just gotten his diagnosis of having prostate cancer
143
and dr. Adai instead of giving him advice instead of telling
144
him what he ought to do he asks the question he
145
asks the question what does this cancer diagnosis mean to you
146
and the man starts talking and he starts talking about how his father had died
147
when he was 17 years old and this had just been so hard for him.
148
It had been so hard for his mom.
149
And then he starts talking about his grandchildren and his fears for the world they're inheriting,
150
what with climate change and everything else that's going on.
151
Dr. Adai had expected this guy to at least bring up cancer,
152
to at least mention mortality or pain,
153
but it never came up.
154
And at that moment, Dr. Adai realized,
155
because he had asked this deep question,
156
that this man wanted to have an emotional conversation.
157
He wanted to talk about how do we feel.
158
He needed to be hugged.
159
And so Dr. Adai didn't actually hug him, right?
160
But he did the verbal equivalent.
161
And then Dr. Adai says, look, do you mind?
162
There's some medical options I'd like to talk over with you.
163
Is that okay?
164
And they move into a practical conversation together,
165
and within seven more minutes,
166
the man decides to do active surveillance and never looks back.
167
Dr. Adai's patients overwhelmingly now opt for active surveillance,
168
his advice, because of this approach.
169
And the thing is, we can do this in any conversation.
170
It doesn't have to be an important conversation,
171
it doesn't have to be life or death,
172
we can always connect more and better
173
and in a really profound way with the person that we're speaking to if we want to.
174
Which brings me back to that experiment.
175
So just to remind you what you're supposed to do,
176
walk out of the room,
177
find a stranger, ask them when was the last time you cried in front of someone,
178
and then as soon as they answer,
179
you answer the question yourself and you tell them when you last cried.
180
Let me just say this experiment has been done thousands and thousands of times,
181
most notably by a guy named Nick Epley at the University of Chicago.
182
People hate this experiment.
183
Nobody who participates comes in and is like,
184
I'm really looking, this is gonna be a great time.
185
Instead what they say is,
186
I do not want to do this.
187
This sounds terrible.
188
But they're in an experiment,
189
and they basically have to do it, right?
190
They're in the room, they get paired with partner,
191
they go and they ask the question,
192
ask an answer, and then Nick Epley afterwards asks them,
193
what was that like?
194
And what people say are things like,
195
oh my gosh, I felt so connected to that person,
196
more connected than to people in other conversations in a while.
197
I felt more caring towards them,
198
and I felt like they were really caring about me. So why?
199
Why is this so powerful?
200
Why is asking this question,
201
why does it help us connect so well?
202
Because it's a deep question.
203
It allows us to say something real.
204
And when we ask deep questions,
205
we figure out which of the three conversations we're in,
206
what we're talking about, what everyone really wants out of this dialogue.
207
And that is how we connect with each other.
208
We are living through a time of polarization and division.
209
We have forgotten how to have conversations.
210
But there's a science to it.
211
There are these folks who are known as super communicators,
212
who they are not special,
213
they're not more charismatic, or they're not more outgoing than anyone else.
214
They've just learned skills that allow us to connect with others.
215
And they're skills that all of us can learn.
216
And that feeling you get after a wonderful conversation,
217
that glow that you experience,
218
our brains have evolved to give us that, to crave connection.
219
So I hope you go out,
220
I hope you find a stranger,
221
and I hope you tell them all about the last time you cried in front of another person.
222
And then tell me how it went.
223
Thanks.
Download App
AI scoring for every sentence you speak
TRENDING
Popular
Context & Background
In the TED talk by Charles Duhigg, he explores the intricacies of communication and how emotional exchanges often lead to misunderstandings. Duhigg shares a personal narrative about his interactions with his wife, highlighting how discussions can unravel into a web of mismatched expectations. This context offers a pertinent opportunity for English learners to engage with complex conversational structures, focusing on emotional and practical aspects of dialogue. Understanding these elements is essential when aiming to improve English pronunciation and conversational skills, especially in real-life interactions with strangers.
Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication
- “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?” – This question opens up deeper emotional conversations.
- “I’m feeling frustrated because...” – A way to express personal feelings honestly.
- “What do you think about...?” – Initiating practical discussions while encouraging the other person's input.
- “I appreciate your advice, but...” – A respectful way to acknowledge feedback while sharing your perspective.
- “It sounds like you care a lot about this.” – Acknowledging the emotional context in someone else's expression.
Step-by-step Shadowing Guide
To effectively use the shadowing technique with Duhigg’s talk, follow this step-by-step guide to enhance your English speaking skills:
- Watch the Video: Initially, view the video without interruptions to understand the context and emotion behind Duhigg's words.
- Transcript Review: Read the transcript alongside the video. Pay special attention to the phrases listed above and how they are delivered.
- Audio Shadowing: Use a shadowing app or a shadowing site to mimic Duhigg’s speech. Focus on his intonation and pacing to improve English pronunciation.
- Record Yourself: After shadowing, record your voice as you replicate the phrases. Compare your pronunciation and emotion with the original audio.
- Engage in Real Conversations: Apply what you've learned by initiating conversations with strangers. Use questions like Duhigg’s to make connections and practice emotional expressions.
By following this guide, you can develop a more nuanced understanding of conversational dynamics and improve your overall English communication skills, making each interaction more impactful.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.
☕ Buy us a coffee
ShadowingEnglish remains 100% free thanks to your support. Server and AI costs are high — your coffee keeps us going! 🙏