Практика Shadowing: How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube
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I've walked a lot in these shoes today.
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I've walked a lot in these shoes today.
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These soles have ground into the pavement of downtown Minneapolis, the rubber mats of my car, the linoleum of a gas station bathroom and the Play Doh-crusted carpet of a daycare.
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Embedded in the tread, a smear a toddler booger.
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Yeah, a little leftover norovirus maybe.
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Maybe if I'm really lucky, a little fleck of dog poop.
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Makes you sick just thinking about it, right?
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Audience: Ooh!
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(Laughter) (Cheers and applause) So, yeah, that happened.
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And while you may not have tasted what I just tasted, you felt what I felt.
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Your sympathetic nervous system activated, increasing your heart rate and tensing your muscles.
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Your anterior insula flared, creating a feeling of disgust.
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Little nausea, slight gag reflex.
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Am I going to get sick now?
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I don't know.
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(Laughter) But I do know this.
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I am so glad you're uncomfortable.
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Congratulations, truly.
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Because that discomfort, that is the first essential step to creating confident kids.
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And you can trust me on this one.
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I make kids uncomfortable for a living.
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This week I had an eight-year-old stab me with a needle, twice, took a kid into a basement on a spider safari and played Uno on the bathroom floor with an understandably reluctant teen.
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It's only Wednesday.
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Now I’m not doing this stuff because I’m an evil psychologist.
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I'm doing this because as a pediatric anxiety and OCD expert, I'm a professional bravery coach.
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I'd like to tell you about a kid that I worked with years ago named Sammy.
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Sammy was this sweet little third-grade string bean who lived for adventure.
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Bright, curious, optimistic, could tell you everything you honestly never needed to know about airport design.
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But Sammy had a fear: bees.
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His brain appreciated bees, vital pollinators.
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His body, however, reacted like they were flying yellow needles with some anger issues.
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As soon as those leaves turned green, Sammy would initiate his own personal bee safety protocol.
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No sweets outside, social distancing from the flowers, even staying inside during his family's cabin trips.
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When Sammy got to me, he and his parents had tried everything to get rid of this anxiety.
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Deep breathing, distraction.
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No luck. They had also debated the fear endlessly.
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His parents would reassure him, "You won't get stung." Sammy reminded his parents they were not fortune telling wizards in four words: "How do you know?" This phobia was stealing Sammy's childhood one sunny summer day at a time.
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When I sing Happy Birthday with a cringing 12-year-old, as loudly as possible, in the grocery store produce section, when I rank order photos of vomit by chunk level, or, yes, when I lick my own dirty shoes, I don't just do it for fun.
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Although, believe it or not, sometimes it's very fun.
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I do it for kids like Sammy, because there is a method to this madness.
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And after a decade of clinical practice helping kids be brave, it's become clear to me that the method, exposure therapy, isn't just the gold-standard treatment for child anxiety and OCD.
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It is a secret parenting playbook for raising kids that thrive.
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I want to share that secret playbook with you today.
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But before we talk about what to do, we need to talk about what we are up against.
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It's a wild, worried world out there, folks.
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According to the National Survey of Children's Health, pediatric anxiety diagnoses rose by nearly 30 percent from 2016 to 2019.
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And that was before COVID.
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But you don't need stats or lists.
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You have felt this, because thanks to evolutionary biology, when kids get anxious, adults get anxious too.
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Now I have two girls, and home is the hardest clinic that I have to work in.
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When one of my little gals looks up at me with the big teary eyes, aka the mommy bat signal, my nervous system does the same thing that yours does.
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It responds as though I have discovered that the kitchen is on fire.
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The amygdala, the watchdog in our brain, starts barking and the fight-or-flight system kicks in and adrenaline surges, and there is this instant magical transfer of distress.
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Her emergency becomes my emergency.
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And in an emergency, what do you do?
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You rescue the child.
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Now I am proof that professional degrees do not make you immune to this.
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In my eldest daughter's four short years of life, I have become a one-woman emotional SWAT team more times than I can count.
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I've answered questions for my daughter when she clams up with a new adult.
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I've sacrificed my sleep and allowed our little human space heater into the big bed for the night.
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I have forfeited all privacy while peeing.
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Because even that closed bathroom door feels too far away.
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Now all of this is what I call parenting for comfort, and it is the single most natural and well-meaning and deeply flawed thing that we do.
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In the anxiety treatment world, parenting for comfort has another name: accommodation.
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In my office, it looks like the parents who removed everything green from the house because green meant vomit.
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In Sammy's case, it looked like kind, loving parents who altered family plans from outdoor fun to indoor fun.
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No picnics at the park, no meals on the deck at the cabin.
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Parenting for comfort is not limited to the parents of anxious kids.
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It's also the common thread in the last 30 years of parenting trends, from the helicopter parenting of yore to the gentle parenting of today.
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All of it is rooted in this idea that healthy is a synonym for happy.
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But I have watched this approach play out hundreds of times in my office, and I can tell you, there are three big problems with parenting for comfort.
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First, it places an incredible burden on parents.
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It turns us into this stressed out member of the feeling Secret Service tasked with controlling something we just can't: another person's emotional experience.
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Second, it teaches kids that hard feelings are an emergency.
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When we cancel that picnic in July or open the bathroom door mid-stream, we may not say it, but our actions shout, “This feeling is a problem.” Third, it doesn't work.
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We can't eliminate the pain or mistakes of childhood.
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They're a part of the process of growing up.
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We cannot guarantee emotional comfort when discomfort is a side effect of being alive.
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If life won't promise comfort, our parenting can't either.
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Instead of parenting for comfort, we need to be parenting for confidence.
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When you parent for confidence, you flip the script.
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Our goal is not to get rid of anxiety, uncertainty or distress.
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Our goal is to build coping efficacy, what I call "handleability." This deep-in-your-bones belief: “I can handle it.” That is the heart of exposure therapy and the key to raising kids that thrive.
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Not avoiding hard feelings, but experiencing them and still saying: "I can do this." Our kids don't require a comfortable life.
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They need comfort with discomfort.
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So how do you do this?
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How do you parent for handleability?
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When Sammy got to me, all that he and his parents had tried hadn't really worked, and he was waiting to see if I would waste his time too.
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But I surprised him.
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Rather than reassurance or relaxation or distraction, with Sammy and with hundreds of other kids, I used the recipe that exposure therapists have relied on for decades.
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A plus B equals C.
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Anxiety plus bravery equals confidence.
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Notice, anxiety is not the problem.
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It's a core ingredient.
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It's actually central to how the brain learns safety through what's called inhibitory learning.
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Bravery only rewires the brain when fear is present.
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No one gets confident they can handle hard stuff without handling hard stuff.
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I explained to Sammy that worry is a bossy bully, but bullies stop messing with you once you say no.
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In order to shrink worry, he needed to show that bully who's boss through practice being brave.
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Now of course, Sammy was immediately convinced by my explanation and was like, "Ah, yes, Kathryn, absolutely.
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Uh, give me some bees." No. Oh my gosh, he was like, "Uh, thanks, hot take.
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I will consider that." (Laughter) But this is where grown ups come in.
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A growing body of research from Yale Child Study Center and others shows that we, as parents, can change child anxiety just by changing our own behavior.
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If we parents go from prioritizing comfort through accommodation to prioritizing confidence through practice, we can make it much more likely that kids will take that leap into brave action.
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Parenting for confidence means supporting kids at each step of the ABC recipe.
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It means creating opportunities for anxiety through adventure.
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No kid jumps off the high dive if you never take them to the pool.
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I asked Sammy's parents to give him some confidence-building opportunities by resuming their family's summer fun.
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Walk to ice cream, smell the flowers, eat the watermelon on the cabin deck.
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Parenting for confidence also means be the bravery you wish to see in your child.
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Show your kid that they can handle this by modeling it.
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Do the scary thing.
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Sammy's parents didn't make Sammy go outside on the deck, but they did go out there and enjoy some watermelon despite the wasps.
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This is jumping in the pool and showing the water's fine.
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Third, we need to celebrate confidence-building actions.
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Cheer for and reward those brave steps.
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Brave is hard work, and hard work deserves reward.
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Sammy built a bravery ladder to face his fears.
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It went from bee pictures, to videos, to Dan.
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Dan is a dead bee in a jar in my office.
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(Laughter) And finally, real bees.
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Each step earned brave points, which Sammy cashed in for trips to new restaurants.
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Now at this point, a warning.
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Parenting for confidence is brave parenting.
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It asks for bravery from kids, yes, but it requires bravery from parents.
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Watching your kid panic before the hockey game and sending them out onto that ice anyway.
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Asking them to eat in the den of snakes that is a middle school lunchroom.
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Or if you are me, peeling your protesting one-year-old off your body, passing them to a teacher at daycare, and then walking out the door before bursting into tears.
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This is incredibly emotionally hard.
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These actions ask us to place a bet on our child's ability to cope when they themselves are screaming, "Don't bet on me." But here's the secret.
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The same way these anxious kids can transfer their anxiety to adults, adults can transfer their own confidence to kids.
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Thanks to social referencing or how kids look to adults to gauge safety.
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If we stand our ground and remain calm, we can lend our kids a nervous system.
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Our job during that wave of anxiety is not to get kids off the ride, but to be their warm, steady anchor.
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A lap bar on the roller coaster of distress.
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The secure base that says: “Come what may, I love you.
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I will always love you no matter what." So, you want confident kids?
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Let them struggle.
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Not suffer.
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Struggle. Because confidence doesn't come from praise or protection.
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It comes from practice.
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Practice being scared and doing it anyway.
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It is hard, but it's worth it.
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Because here's the best part: bravery is contagious.
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One act of courage lights the way for the next.
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Not just for your kid, but for the people around them.
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The kid who faces their fear of bees doesn't just play outside again.
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They raise their hand in class, they try out for the school play, they speak up when something is wrong because they start to ask: “What else am I capable of?” And when they do, someone else gets a little braver too.
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By facing fear to do what matters, you give others the faith that they can do the same.
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That is why this work matters.
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Not just so your child feels less anxious, but because all of our children are inheriting a world of hard, complicated problems.
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Polarized communities, economic disruption, global uncertainty.
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These challenges won't be solved by people who need to feel good before they act.
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They'll be solved by people who can say, "This is hard, but I can handle it." In short, brave people.
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Parenting for confidence is not a luxury.
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It is a legacy.
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Because brave parenting creates brave kids, and brave kids are the ones that will change the world.
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So what happened with Sammy?
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Audience: Aw.
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KH: That is the kid that wouldn’t take an apple on a walk.
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He looks good in the suit, doesn't he?
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There he is.
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And actually, here he is.
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And he is not alone.
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(Cheers and applause) (Applause continues) (Applause ends) Friends, meet your world changers.
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And while you look up here at all of this bravery, think of the kids that you know and love.
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What sign do you want that child to be able to hold six months from now or 10 years from now?
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What sign will you hold to show them the way?
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What shoe are you ready to lick?
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(Laughter) Revolutions begin with one person doing something hard on purpose where others can see.
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So please, let's get uncomfortable together.
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Let's thrive together.
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And let's raise them brave.
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Thank you. (Cheers and applause)
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