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In terms of my own experience with getting serious about creating the skill of confidence,

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In terms of my own experience with getting serious about creating the skill of confidence,

is it's a game changer.

The more that you build confidence in your life,

the greater the risks you're going to take.

And that's critical in business, in life, for fulfillment.

I also have the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are going to feel.

Why?

Because I have the skill of confidence.

It also makes you an incredible negotiator because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked.

And see, this kind of need to be liked

or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time.

I want you to bring that power back internally.

That's what the skill of confidence does.

And you'll also be able to recognize when you're afraid of something

and that that fear is just kind of bullshit in your head and you have a choice.

You don't have to let fear stop you anymore.

And that's where the skill of confidence comes in.

And the same is going to be true for you.

So I think it kind of begs the question,

if confidence is something that we all want,

why is it so hard to master?

I'll tell you why.

Because when it comes to the research around confidence,

it is some of the most dry,

boring, no offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there,

but I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping,

just print out a study about confidence.

That'll put you into deep REM sleep.

It's also confusing.

And even Google isn't much of a help on this topic.

If you search how to be confident,

you know what the top results one of them says?

Be true to you.

What the hell does that even mean?

Be true to you.

And honestly, be true to you?

That is not what the research says.

The problem

and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of

confidence is the research has not been boiled down tactical information

that you can apply to your day-to-day life

and that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in

so here's your first assignment on today's podcast

because you know we're not just listening here this is a doing podcast

and we're gonna make this tactical

and relevant immediately assignment number one be selfish as you listen

I want you to listen a particular way I want you to listen

and think what's in it for me and

so let me ask you a question to help you get really selfish

if you had more confidence like I could go

and boom you have more confidence than you've ever had in

your entire life how would your life be different how would your future be different now Heather has already shared

that she has this awesome promotion

which she clearly earned I mean businesses don't just give those out as charity

if a business has promoted or hired you they believe in your ability to execute

but now she's freaking out she doesn't have the confidence now

when you think about confidence how would more confidence help Heather's

life be different well confidence would allow Heather to step into

that role right and she would be able to lose the self-doubt

and the imposter syndrome and the panicking and

and she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be, right?

Without all the like nervousness and crap going on in her head.

What about you?

Let's get selfish.

What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing?

Would you be able to say no?

Would you be better with boundaries?

Are there more risks you would take?

Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else?

Would you be able to stand up for yourself,

advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need?

What about work?

Would you be more visible?

Would you speak up more?

All of that that you just envisioned,

it's all within your reach.

And so let's talk about something that Heather said.

Heather said in her question that she doesn't,

quote, feel confident in the new role.

I don't feel confident.

And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence

that will change your ability to build it as a skill

this definition of confidence I have been sharing for years

and I think I created it based on the research

because I haven't really seen it out there before

and this definition is going to surprise you

because it's a definition of confidence

that puts the research into action see here's the mistake

that everybody makes Heather made the mistake because she said

that I don't quote feel confident

and I bet you're making this mistake with confidence too in

my book based on the research that's where we get it

wrong confidence is not a feeling confidence is embodied in action

my definition of confidence is confidence is the willingness to try

I'm gonna say it again your new definition of confidence embodied

by the research confidence is the willingness to try confidence is an action that's what it is

and this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists

and there's even a term for confidence being an action see there's this positive feedback loop

that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready

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when you're willing to step into that leadership role

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and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes

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and shove that self-doubt to the side

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when you're willing to try neuroscience research says

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that you create something called a confidence competence loop

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and let me explain this to you because there's a lot of common sense here, right?

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Every single time you try something new,

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you're either going to be really good at it or you're going to be terrible at it, right?

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But you always learn something.

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But you have to try.

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So Heather is going to step into this new role.

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She's trying out a new role.

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She's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it.

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Boundaries, you might be really good at it when you start trying to set them you might be really miserable at it.

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But here's the thing, if you try something for the first time,

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you're either gonna fail or succeed,

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but you always learn something.

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And that's where this confidence competence loop and the neuroscience research comes in.

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Because even when you try,

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when you learn a little something,

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you gain a little competency, right?

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Because of everything that you learned the first time around,

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it gets a little bit easier it gets a little bit better,

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but it all begins with being willing to try no matter where you're starting from.

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Because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try,

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you will always grow and you will always learn.

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And the more that you try and the more that you learn,

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the less you doubt yourself,

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the less resistance that you have,

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and bada bing, bada boom,

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all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role.

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All of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat

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because you tried a thousand times and you belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgie.

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And then what do you know?

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Because you were willing to keep trying,

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all of that competency that got gained of trying over and over and over and over again,

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it's how you gained mastery.

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See, feeling confident is kind of,

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it's almost like the wrong way to say it

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because that's what you feel after you've done it over

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and over and over again but true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try.

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Okay, and so I really think it's important.

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I can give you another example.

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The first time somebody handed me chopsticks,

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I had no idea how to use them.

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Was I nervous about picking them up

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and I couldn't get like my fingers to twist in the way

147

that you're supposed to and it was super embarrassed and they kept like flipping across the table and everybody,

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here's the thing.

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I didn't know how to use them,

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but isn't it common sense

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that there's no way I was gonna learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try?

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See, being confident

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and the skill of confidence is the difference between saying sure

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hand me the chopsticks I'd love to try I'm willing to

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look like an idiot I'm willing to be a beginner first

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versus going can you get me a fork I don't know

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how to use those do you see the difference the skill begins with being willing to try

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so many of you saw on the Today Show today.

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That is the culmination of 10 years of being willing to try,

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being willing to walk on a stage and have a panic attack or a neck rash,

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being willing to get behind a microphone and make terrible content or say stupid things or look terrible in videos.

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You know,

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you gotta remember what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years,

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trying over and over and over and over and learning

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and failing that's what you're witnessing you're witnessing competency

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but the skill is something different the skill of confidence is trying

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and you know let me remind you of a fact everybody

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starts at zero everyone whether you're trying to learn guitar

169

or you're building a social media following

170

or you want to get into the YouTube space

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or you're writing a book

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or you're selling everybody starts at zero that's how I started

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zero speeches given zero television experience zero social media following zero email addresses zero competency in front of a camera

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or on a microphone I mean even take this podcast starting

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this I started at zero the tech is intimidating there are

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five million podcasts on Spotify alone I'm 54 years old I don't know how to do

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that I haven't done this before I haven't been in the seat of the person

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that hosts

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but here's the difference with your friend Mel Robbins I'm willing to try I lean on this skill of confidence

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that I've built because I have the definition that's grounded in research

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and so do you you're not going to feel confident you're going to act in accordance with with the research of confidence.

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You, my friend, are willing to try.

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That's the secret.

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You know, I'm gonna tell you a story.

185

A lot of you have seen my TEDx talk.

186

So I have one of the most popular and most viewed TEDx talks in the world.

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I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point.

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It's a TED talk called How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over.

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And if you watch my 21 minute long Ted talk,

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you know what you're witnessing?

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You are witnessing a 21 minute long panic attack.

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That was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life.

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I was terrified of public speaking.

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And most people are terrified of public speaking.

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When I was in elementary school,

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middle school, high school, college,

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law school, whenever I got called on in class, bright red, bright red.

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My mind would immediately go blank.

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The only job I got out of law school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City.

200

And when I had to stand in court all day,

201

I was not talking to an audience.

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I'm talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor.

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It's not like some big stadium.

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You're in a small courtroom where you see the same people day in and day out.

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That's not a speech.

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That's like talking in a meeting at work.

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But nevertheless, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney,

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I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest.

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You know, the kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous

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or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food?

211

That was Mel Robbins, the early years.

212

You know how I dealt with that neck rash and that fear?

213

I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it.

214

In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN,

215

I was part of their legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN.

216

I did that for three or four years.

217

Incredible experience.

218

Never done that before.

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Why was I willing to do that,

220

knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red?

221

Half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid.

222

I'll tell you why.

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Because I understand the skill of confidence.

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You build it by being willing to try.

225

You have to start at zero.

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And nobody wants to start at zero.

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You want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out.

228

Well, guess what?

229

You don't because you've never done this before.

230

But if you're willing to try,

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if you're willing to make mistakes,

232

if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day

233

and trying and trying and learning and failing and falling on your face

234

and dusting yourself off and like putting in the work,

235

eventually the competency catches up.

236

And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing when you can use chopsticks because you've been trying,

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or when you can stand on a stage

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and you don't have a neck rash

239

that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic shock.

240

When you can do that,

241

you want to know why you can do that?

242

it's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it,

243

and so it feels easier.

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It feels effortless.

245

It's not that you're, quote, more confident.

246

It's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it.

247

And so that's why your friend Mel is so successful,

248

because I'm willing to, A,

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start at zero,

250

and I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over and trying and trying and trying despite my doubt,

251

despite my fire engine red cheeks,

252

despite my flush neck, I've not only gained the competency and settled those nerves,

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but over time, by doing exactly what I'm about to teach you to do,

254

I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented,

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respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world.

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That's what's available to you today.

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And so the other thing I wanna talk about really quickly is I know that what you think you're up against,

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Heather, and if you're struggling with confidence,

259

is that, oh, imposter syndrome, I got imposter syndrome.

260

Well, no shit you have imposter syndrome because you haven't done this before.

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See, I see imposter syndrome is a really good thing.

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Because when you feel like an imposter in a role,

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that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new.

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And so starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence,

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everybody, you gotta open your arms,

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you gotta reach out for that imposter syndrome.

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Because if you don't have imposter syndrome,

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you're not doing anything uncomfortable.

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And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is

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that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable that you're going to grow into the best version of yourself.

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If you always do the things that you're comfortable doing,

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you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible because you're not pushing yourself.

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And so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome.

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I want you to see it as a good thing.

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Oh, I feel like an imposter.

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Great.

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I'm trying something new.

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This is confidence building.

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Here we go.

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And speaking of the myth that imposter syndrome is a bad thing.

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No, no, no, no, no. You're learning

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when it comes to building confidence You got to embrace

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that imposter syndrome period because it means you're trying and you're learning

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and you're gaining competency and we love

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that around here It's all about confidence today

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when you have more confidence You get paid more you will have a better job.

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You will be more admired by people you will be Listened to with more intention.

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You'll have greater influence

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This episode is for all of us

290

because I'm going to unpack the three myths that are related to confidence and the five tools to build confidence.

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