Shadowing-Übung: How to Emotionally Detach, Get Focused, and Level Up Your Life - Englisch Sprechen Lernen mit YouTube

What if I told you that caring what people think has nothing to do with insecurity

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What if I told you that caring what people think has nothing to do with insecurity

and everything to do with your identity?

I used to be trapped by the fear of what other people thought about me.

After making these five mindset shifts,

I was able to actually detach from their opinions and live my life exactly how I wanted to.

Even now, as the face of a multimillion dollar company where I get on constantly.

And guess what?

I don't give a , it's fine.

So if you want to understand how to emotionally detach and stop needing external validation from others,

this video is for you.

Number one is ignore applause.

Just because people praise you doesn't mean you're on the right path.

Applause is not a North Star.

Praise or applause, they are reflections of other people's preferences, not your purpose.

If it's not aligned with your values,

it's a distraction, not direction to go in.

And I think that oftentimes,

especially now, there's no separation between the real world and social media.

And because of that, it's like praise and applause have actually become one of the easiest addictions to justify,

especially when you're building something,

whether you're building yourself, a business,

a relationship and people start to notice.

So for example, I make content, right?

It was about a year and a half ago.

My team said, hey, we want you to make a video on branding.

And I remember I made the video and the whole time I just felt like this like visceral,

like bad feeling in my gut.

And I got done and I said,

I just don't think this is for me.

I just don't like love it.

I don't feel like I'm an expert on it.

It's not something I really want to talk about.

And so I decided, I was like, I'm not going to.

And if I ever want to talk about it again in the future,

I allow myself to do so.

But just because other people want me to,

they like what I have to say,

and they like the video and hit the thumbs up button,

doesn't mean I need to keep doing it.

So what you want to recognize is that people are applauding you

because you are acting in a way that they prefer you act.

So once I realized that people are just applauding me because of themselves,

it doesn't mean that I should keep doing the thing.

It's that they like when I talk about that thing.

It doesn't mean I like when I talk about that thing.

It doesn't mean that I should live my life that way,

because maybe I don't like doing the thing that they applauded me for.

Maybe I'm just over it.

Maybe I liked it for a minute and now I want to change.

And so somebody liking what you said,

what you wore and posted on social media,

how you run your business,

how you speak, what you cook for dinner,

that's their preference and their interpretation of the situation, not yours.

So the question that you want to ask yourself is,

is the thing that they're approving of aligned with my values and what I want to do?

And if it is amazing, that's great.

You've hit the trifecta.

It's like people like it, you like, great.

But if not, then you need to realize that applause is not objective confirmation that you're on the right track in life.

And I know it sounds obvious when I say it,

but we do not treat it that way.

People like our posts, we say,

oh, I'll just make only posts like that.

I'll forget all the other stuff I like.

People like something we do in a relationship,

we do more of that even though we don't even like it.

And so ultimately, preferences, especially other people's,

they're based on emotions, not on values.

Values are based on principles.

And so if you're constantly chasing other people's preferences,

you're actually feeding in more to what other people think of you and becoming a person

that exists to please them, not yourself.

And that happens to us in life all the freaking time.

People want us to do things,

act in a certain way,

dress a certain way, look a certain way,

do certain things because they like it,

not because we like it.

And not even because they value it,

but because they like it.

So it's based on their emotions,

which are fleeting, not even on their values.

This happens in relationships all the time too.

You might do something once for your partner.

Maybe you cook them dinner,

and maybe you don't like cooking, right?

I like cooking, but maybe you don't like cooking,

and you cook dinner for them once,

They're like, oh my gosh,

I would love it if you did this every night.

You're like, you know what?

I'm gonna cook them dinner every night because they like it.

And then what happens over time,

what you start to notice is like,

you feel less and less like yourself,

you feel less and less empowered,

and you feel more and more resentful.

Because what happens when you start to abide by other people's preferences is you eventually build up resentment to those people,

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whether they know it or not,

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and whether you know it or not.

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The second thing is that we have to reframe criticism.

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Most criticism stems from someone else's discomfort.

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Okay, get this.

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People judge what challenges their worldview and their reaction is more about them regulating

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or not regulating their own emotions than about who you are or what you do.

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I really want you guys to just listen to what I'm saying here.

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Criticism reveals way more about them than about you.

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So I'll give you an example.

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I was on social media and somebody sent me a post of some woman dismantling me, right?

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And and essentially saying that she thinks

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that the way I do business is far too masculine

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and she believes that I would succeed more if I did it in a different way.

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And so I'm watching this and I'm watching this post that she made about me and I'm consuming it.

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And then you know what I think to myself?

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I'm gonna be honest, in the first moment I'm like,

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I'm gonna just go ham on this and light her up.

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I can say so many things.

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Of course my mind goes there for five seconds,

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but then my mind goes to, oh, she feels uncomfortable.

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Why does she feel uncomfortable?

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She feels uncomfortable because I'm succeeding in a way that she would prefer I don't.

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She would prefer that I act more like her

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and I do things her way to become successful rather than do things my way and act like me to become successful.

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And so because she doesn't know how to deal with that discomfort,

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she has to make a post about me.

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And I realized I had an urge to criticize her

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because I don't like the fact that somebody who dismantles and talks about other people can still succeed.

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She was still successful.

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That made me uncomfortable.

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And so I wanted to say something about it.

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And then I realized, I was like,

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oh yeah, I have this core belief and this very large preference

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that I would prefer people who are mean to other people do not succeed.

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And I've been that way my entire life.

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I remember before I got into business,

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I thought to myself, mean people don't succeed, right?

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Bad people don't make money.

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And then I realized I was very wrong.

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But as you can see,

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it's just two people who are feeling uncomfortable at the other person's way of living their life.

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So hear me out.

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Criticism, it can sting, it can suck, it can feel terrible.

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Even more than praise feels good for the most part.

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But what is criticism really?

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Criticism is often when something about you,

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something you did, makes somebody else uncomfortable.

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They don't know how to manage that discomfort.

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They outsource their discomfort.

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They blame you, they label you,

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they diminish you, they demean you, they judge you.

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Judgment is another word for unmanaged discomfort.

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So really think about this.

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We all judge people.

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By the way, I judge people too, for sure.

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Of course I judge people.

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But what you wanna ask yourself is,

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when somebody else criticizes you,

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What belief does their criticism contradict about what you believe to be true in this world?

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And then when they're criticizing you,

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you ask yourself, what did I do to make them so uncomfortable?

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And if you break it down like that,

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it helps so much

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because you see it objectively rather than subjectively just taking the hit of whatever emotional blow they're trying to put your way.

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And that fundamentally changed everything for me.

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Once I understood that I do something, it makes somebody uncomfortable.

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When they're uncomfortable and they have low emotional regulation skills.

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They criticize me, they make fun of me,

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they demean me, they diminish me.

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Number three is that you will always be judged.

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Whether you seek applause or avoid criticism,

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you will be judged and you will be misunderstood.

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Here's the reality, you will be judged no matter what.

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So when I first started making content,

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I remember thinking, if I do my best and I structure everything out and I do it like X,

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Y, and Z, nobody will say anything mean, right?

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People aren't gonna criticize me and I'm gonna feel really good about everything I'm putting out.

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And instead, the opposite happened.

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For the first 18 months of putting out content,

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I just got on left and right.

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I remember even my husband looking at me and he was like,

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damn, you've got it rough.

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And I was like, why, what am I doing?

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And it was like, the things that people were pointing out were things I would have never expected.

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It was like your voice,

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you sound like Ben Shapiro or steroids or you smoke or what's going on?

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Where's that coming from, right?

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Maybe you're asking that.

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The second is that people were like,

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oh, Layla, but your husband,

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this rich, famous man, you're just riding his coattails.

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Who are you?

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Where did you come from, peasant?

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And then the last one was just discrediting everything all together and saying I'm some internet guru.

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When in fact, I'd been running a company for eight years.

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It's funny because all these things happened.

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And I remember thinking the entire time,

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like, why is this happening to me?

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Like what do I do with this?

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And it wasn't until I realized is

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that the more I don't seek to ask for permission as to what content I post,

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what I talk about, how I act,

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how I dress, how I talk,

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how I run my company,

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how I run my marriage,

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how I run my life, the happier I am.

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So for 18 months I tried to figure out what do I do to make these people shut the up.

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How do I have to talk?

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How do I have to dress?

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What kind of content do I have to make?

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And And eventually, I remember there was one day where I realized nothing about the situation needed to change.

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Everything about my perspective about it did.

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And I just need to accept that the price of fame,

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the price of enjoyment, the price of success is being criticized.

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It is just the downside of the upside.

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And so what I've realized now is that the more that I do things the way I want to,

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the more criticism I get and the happier I get.

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What I learned through that whole process is that applause doesn't mean you're right.

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doesn't mean you're wrong.

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Ultimately, the only judgment that matters is yours,

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measured against whatever it is that you've chosen to stand for.

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Number four is you wanna choose your values.

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Okay, true clarity comes from intentionally deciding what you stand for.

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Values aren't put upon you, they're chosen by you.

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So I'll give you guys an example.

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I, when I started making content,

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and even to this day,

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I have this guy who is a relentless hater of me online.

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And it's one thing if you're a relentless hater,

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but he actually has a following and he's quite known in the space.

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But he just left and right would just take shots at me.

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I have never once responded to the guy.

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I've never talked to him.

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I pretend I don't even know who he is.

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But every time I read his comments,

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it's like completely trying to dismantle me as a person.

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And what I realized over time is that when I zoomed out,

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I was like, he's not wrong.

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I'm not wrong.

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We have different values.

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What he values, right, is he thinks that I work too hard.

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I don't have a good relationship.

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I don't take care of myself.

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And what I could do is I could just provide proof of all those things, right?

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That's what a lot of people do is they say,

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let me show you, I actually do all these things you're saying,

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or I could say, understood.

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So you have different values than me.

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You don't value working long hours.

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You don't value resilience.

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You don't value the discipline the same way I do.

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That's okay, right?

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And for him, he has a business that makes a small amount of money,

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but he gets to live his life however he wants.

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And so when I look at him and I feel icky,

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it's because I feel like I don't support your values where you won't sacrifice for the greater good, right?

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I don't respect that.

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I don't value that, right?

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That's not one of my values.

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And so it actually just came down to,

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we have completely different values in life.

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I value working hard, sacrificing to do good for a greater group of people.

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He values health, relationships, connection,

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and not sacrificing as much.

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Both work and both are okay.

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And in that moment, it was probably just a sign

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that maybe he wasn't aware of that and he wasn't able to regulate his own emotions.

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Because in those moments when he said,

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hey, you know, you're too intense.

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This is too much sacrifice.

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You're too hard charging.

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You're not feminine enough.

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Those weren't value statements.

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Those are preferences that he has, right?

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And so he's basically saying,

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I don't know how to handle the fact that I am not comfortable with her intensity,

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her discipline, her competitiveness.

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And so I'm going to take my discomfort and put it on you because it doesn't align with my values.

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I don't understand.

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As I'm reading what this guy's writing about me,

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I don't need to ignore all of it.

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I also don't need to consider all of it,

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but I do want to filter through my values.

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I think that's the most important distinction because when I was reading what he was saying,

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I was like, there's some points here.

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The question is, is it aligned with my values?

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Now, if somebody were to come to me and they were to criticize me for something that is a value of mine,

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like they were to say like,

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you're not honest, that would hurt.

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I'd be like, was I not honest in that moment?

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Because honesty is like my number one value.

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That would feel terrible.

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But if they're gonna come to me and be like,

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you're not soft enough and you don't spend enough time doing fun hobbies,

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I'd be like, yes, no, I don't.

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You are correct, sir, right? it, let's move on.

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Number five is that your values are a filter.

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So when you receive praise or you receive criticism,

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Don't ask yourself, oh, do they like it?

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Are people gonna like this?

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Instead ask, is this aligned with the values that I stand for?

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And that is the question that will set you free and make all this worth it.

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You use your values as a filter for every reaction.

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I'll give you an example.

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I made a video a couple months ago and it was a skit and I thought it was gonna be fun.

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I thought it would be fun to try some skits for content

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and I really liked the idea and so I did a skit.

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I thought it was funny and it got like,

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I don't know, 20 million views or something.

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And I had a couple of people come to me and they were like,

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hey, so I don't know about these skits.

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And I was like, what about the skits?

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And they were like, well,

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you don't want to become famous for like these skits.

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And I was like, why?

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And they were like, well,

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it just seems too silly.

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It's like not your brand.

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And I was like, I actually think it's exactly my brand.

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Like I am very intense and also I can be very funny.

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What the ?

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Then I put it through my filter.

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I said, well, what's my number one value, right?

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If I'm using my values as a filter, honesty.

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I honestly thought it was a hilarious video.

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I honestly act like that many times and I honestly enjoyed making it.

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And so I felt like it was actually a better representation of me to start doing things like that,

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to lean into the things I like,

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than it would to not do it.

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And so I ask myself that a lot when people bring to me their opinions, their preferences.

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I just filter them through my values, right?

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It's one of the first things that I do when I'm thinking about where do I spend my time?

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How do I spend my life?

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I say, am I doing this or do I want to do this

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because it aligns with my values or because it avoids judgment from somebody?

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In the past, I did not have good answers to that question because I didn't even know my values.

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And the second thing is that I realized that I did a lot of things just to avoid that judgment,

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like that person bringing up that video.

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I did things because of that,

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not because of my values.

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And so what I live by now is this,

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values are not feelings, values are decisions.

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You don't find them out of nowhere under a rock and you don't feel them,

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you don't feel them.

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You pick them intentionally.

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And I think it's hard because a lot of people inherit their values from maybe,

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maybe it's your parents, maybe it's religion,

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maybe it's Instagram or TikTok,

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I don't know, but then they're like,

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why does this feel terrible and off track and like,

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I don't like my life.

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And it's because they didn't consciously choose their values.

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But when you consciously choose your values and you act in alignment with them,

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your life gets so much simpler.

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Now, I wouldn't say it gets easier because I think sometimes it gets harder,

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but it does get simpler.

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Now, why does it get simpler?

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One, you stop chasing applause.

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You are not looking to get applause from other people.

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You are looking to live your life in alignment with those values.

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So at the end of the day,

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every day, you feel good about yourself when you're laying in bed.

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The second thing is that you stop running from criticism.

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You recognize that part of the equation is a trade-off.

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When you have really strong values,

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you will likely be strongly criticized.

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And you actually understand that sometimes being criticized is a good thing because it means that you're living your life so potently,

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living out your values, that people that don't with your values

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and don't align with your values and don't have the same words are gonna run the opposite direction,

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scream from the hills how crazy you are.

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And then you just get to do what's aligned with your values and you.

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You get to do the stuff that makes you happy.

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You get to do the stuff that lets you live your life in a way that feels good to you.

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And that's aligned with the decisions that you want to make to be the person you want to be.

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At the end of the day,

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you get to choose your values.

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And because of those values,

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you can use those as a filter to criticism.

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And I think that that's where real confidence and freedom comes from.

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Because a lot of people ask me,

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how do I get over criticism?

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How do I deal with all these people judging me?

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And the truth is, you don't.

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It happens.

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You just anchor so deeply in your values that it makes all the criticism worth it.

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And so the reality is this,

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if you don't anchor your identity somewhere solid,

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somewhere that cannot be defeated by what people say about you,

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whether it's good or bad,

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you will just drift into becoming a reflection of the preferences and desires of other people. And honestly,

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I don't think there is any worse place to be than one where you are literally a ghost of yourself

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that exists because of what other people want out of you.

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So if you define your values,

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you ignore everything else, you can be the person you want to be.

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If you like this video,

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make sure to subscribe to my channel

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because I love sharing all these mindset shifts and hopefully I will see you on the next one.

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