تدريب Shadowing: How to have a healthy relationship | Jillian Turecki | TEDxNashville - تعلم التحدث بالإنجليزية مع YouTube

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When I tell you that a relationship and being in a relationship will not make you happy, what happens inside of you?

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When I tell you that a relationship and being in a relationship will not make you happy, what happens inside of you?

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Because it's a deeply unsettling statement.

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Why would we ever be in a relationship if it wasn't going to make us happy?

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And yet never before have we put so much pressure on a romantic relationship to not only be a source of happiness, but the ultimate pathway to transcendent joy.

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We're told if you meet the right person, if you are with your soulmate, you will watch all your insecurities, your anxieties, your trauma just evaporate.

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And that with the right person, you will feel complete.

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One are the days where we partner for survival, where we partner for family alliances or duty.

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Today what we want in a partner is a best friend, the best sex we've ever had in our life, our spiritual mentor or guru, and maybe even our parent wrapped up into one super hot package.

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And even more than that, what people crave is someone who is more evolved than them.

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Like we want this super evolved, angelic being who is more mature than us, has more emotional intelligence than us, because then we think when we meet this person, we can finally relax because the little child that lives inside of us can finally feel safe, seen, understood.

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I met a girl recently, young woman, 28, 29, somewhere in her 20s.

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And she told me that she was trying to manifest her soulmate.

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And so I said, okay, how do you plan on doing that?

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And she said, well, I have a list of everything that I want in a partner and everything that I want to feel in this relationship.

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I said, okay, give me the list.

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I need to look at this list.

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And there was like 60 to 70 things on this list.

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No, this is not an exaggeration, literally.

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But what's so interesting is that this list is among thousands, thousands of lists that I have seen throughout the years from clients, from people who've messaged me on social media, from people who've emailed me, from friends.

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I've even written lists like this before.

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And every single list I have ever looked at has had a few words in common.

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Peace.

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Safety.

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Joy.

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Fun.

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Adventure.

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And when I think about what all those feelings and words represent, What they really represent is a feeling of aliveness.

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And in my view, that's what joy is.

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It's feeling that thing that we feel way too little when we are completely unburdened by all our stress, all our family drama, all our childhood crap.

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We feel more like who we really are.

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And we think that when we're with this person, that that's what they're giving us.

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And that's what we want from a relationship is to feel that aliveness.

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And yet, there are two lessons that I've learned about relationships after working with people in some capacity for two decades.

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And these are the two, like, most life-changing lessons I've ever learned.

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The first one is, a relationship's job is not to make us happy.

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It is our job to make the relationship happy.

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In other words, the quality of a relationship is directly proportional to the quality of energy and emotions both people consistently bring to the relationship.

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Meaning a relationship, particularly a romantic one, is a mirror.

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And it is always reflecting back the internal states of both people.

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This can be fairly difficult to digest because we're not always gonna be in a good mood.

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And life can be very hard.

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And sometimes we're just, like I said, we're going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed and just be negative.

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That's a good day sometimes.

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On the other end of the spectrum, we are going to go through loss and heartbreak and struggle with our mental health.

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And when we are in a relationship with someone over the long term, you're going to go through seasons where you're not going to be as connected.

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You might have money problems.

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You might lose your home.

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You might deal with illness.

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Someone you love, like your parents, they're going to die.

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And so I'm not saying that you have to be, like, happy and free and alive and joyful and, like, that's your responsibility all the time.

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And what I am saying is the quality of a relationship is the quality of the two people inside of it.

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In the beginning of a relationship, we are exciting, we are fun, we are loving, we are joyful, we are free.

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Because falling in love is really easy.

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It demands nothing of us.

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All the hormones will do that for us.

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And then we meet this person and there's so much hope.

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and then as the months go by and certainly as the years go by we become comfortable and when we become comfortable we fall back into familiar emotional patterns that if we were really honest with ourselves we had long before we ever met the person we were with And so, you know, we bring some exhaustion, negativity.

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We start to complain.

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We're like, not just once in a while in a bad mood, we're kind of always in a bad mood or we're just bringing all that home.

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And then we wake up one day and we think, huh, I wonder where the spark went.

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And then we start to think, you're not as amazing as I had thought.

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And, you know, we get a little resentful, and that resentment turns into resistance.

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And the next thing you know, we don't even want this person near us, let alone to touch us.

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And that's because we forgot that we have to bring joy to the relationship.

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That a relationship, we can't just expect to extract happiness from a relationship.

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we actually have to be a source of happiness for the relationship.

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The second lesson, which is similar to the first, is a relationship will also always reflect your relationship with yourself.

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I have a friend.

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I've been friends with her for many, many years, and she's been married for like, I don't know, 15, 16, 17 years, something like that.

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And for the first several years of their relationship, she would call me up very agitated and worried because she was questioning her marriage and questioning whether or not she was with the right person.

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And she was questioning him even before she got married.

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She had a year of just dealing with that.

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And this was happening like twice a year.

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and every time I would either sit with her or talk on the phone with her to help her process and I really wanted to help her process because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were right for each other so I wanted to help her understand where all this ambivalence was coming from.

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And what we discovered after many times going through this process together of talking about it was that there was a pattern.

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Every single time this suffering came up in her where she felt where she was struggling with whether or not she should be with this person with this man there was something going on with her she felt i don't know untethered to herself she was unfulfilled at work or she was burning the candle from both ends and just absolutely exhausted.

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Or she was like having some fight with her mom or her dad or her sister.

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She was just like, there was just these layers of suffering, discontent, these things.

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It's part of the human experience.

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Sometimes we have these sort of existential crises where we're just not happy and we're questioning everything.

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And then she projected that onto her relationship when it had absolutely nothing to do with her husband or her marriage.

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She thought that the reason why she was feeling this, that it must have been her relationship, when the truth was it was something going on between her and her.

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It was needs that she had to learn how to meet for herself.

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It was not her man's responsibility.

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It was not the relationship's responsibility.

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And then when she started to address that and just realized when she was getting that restlessness, instead of immediately turning to, I don't know if I'm in the right relationship, she immediately then started to turn to, oh, what's going on with me?

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Because when we are going through a hard time, when we are feeling disconnected, if work's not going well, if we're feeling sort of unfulfilled, feeling sort of negative, down about life, down about our future, the lens through which we see the world and everyone in it will be distorted and so the ultimate form of self-awareness is to understand and to identify when you are in that state and to realize you cannot trust what's going on up here it's really too messy and that your relationship with yourself always needs your attention.

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And that fulfillment is an inside job.

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Your partner's job is not to fulfill you.

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Should they add value to your life?

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Absolutely.

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But it's not their job to fulfill you.

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Not the job.

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It's not their job to make you feel joy or alive.

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But there was something else about their marriage that was very interesting that taught me a lot and that is we actually have to create the conditions for joy in order to experience joy the falling in love stage we don't have to do anything again we're flooded with all these hormones there's novelty there's newness there's all this physical attraction and like all this stuff is happening but individually and also in a relationship if if we're feeling kind of down, we have to do the things that actually bring us joy to remind us of who we are, whatever that is.

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Sometimes it's just listening to music and dancing.

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So they started to recognize that whenever they were like starting to feel like, you know, stuck in routine, like we all do.

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We get stuck in routine, especially marriages, marriages with children, everything gets focused on, you know, getting things done.

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The focus is the partnership of the relationship rather than the passion of the relationship.

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And so they started to notice that when they were starting to get restless and then they would start to bicker, that they actually had to create the conditions for joy.

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These two people become electric and so bonded when they travel.

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That's like, that's their glue.

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And so now they realize that when they're kind of like getting that icky feeling and they're taking it out on each other and they're bickering, whatever, they're feeling disconnected.

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That's when they take a trip, even if it's just like a two day adventure somewhere, it doesn't have to be, it's not extravagant.

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And that's when they just rediscover not only their own joy, but their joy as a couple.

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So we have to create the conditions for joy.

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The relationship is not just going to sustain itself, we have to sustain it.

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And look, relationships, they end for lots of different reasons.

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Sometimes there's a betrayal.

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Sometimes we're just with the wrong person, always have been, and we finally are just realizing it and taking the courageous step to leave the relationship.

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Sometimes we grow apart.

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but a lot of times what happens is that both people are not taking responsibility for being a source of happiness for the relationship and so they get so incredibly comfortable until one day they feel like roommates and they've gotten to the point of no return there are a lot of things that we need to work on in order to make a relationship healthy and thriving communication how to repair after conflict that's huge working on whatever childhood stuff is making its way creeping its way into the relationship We got to work on ourselves.

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We have to work on ourselves.

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But I promise you, I really truly promise you that no amount of communication and no amount of understanding your attachment style can ever make up for a lack of responsibility when it comes to bringing aliveness to your relationship.

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Thank you.

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تدريب Shadowing: How to have a healthy relationship | Jillian Turecki | TEDxNashville - تعلم التحدث بالإنجليزية مع YouTube

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