शैडोइंग अभ्यास: THIS is How To Be Direct Without Hurting People | Jefferson Fisher - वीडियो के साथ अंग्रेजी बोलना सीखें

You mentioned being direct because sometimes you have to say tough stuff.

There's no sugarcoating it.

Yeah, all the time.

How do you make sure that you're direct?

How do you make sure that you talk a lot about values in your communication when it's a difficult conversation?

Like how do you make sure to navigate

that in a way where you're saying stuff they don't like to hear but they still receive it and don't defend it?

Yeah.

Well, when it comes to being direct,

a lot of people struggle with it because they would just rather it be a little bit more distant than it is.

And the way I was taught is use the front door.

That's what it's there for.

And I feel like a lot of people try to go through the back door in conversations and let me, I don't want to upset you.

If you want to be a leader, you have to learn the skill of disappointing people.

And that's, that's part of being direct is it's a skill to be able to give people bad news.

And the, it sounds weird, but the more you do it, the better you get at it.

That's the only way to get, it's not like you just naturally become really good at upsetting people or giving them hard news or something.

It's, you can either choose to say the nice thing

or the kind thing

and i always say say the the kind thing nice says i can't say

that that's not nice that's i i can't i can't tell them

that kind says like i care about you enough to tell

you the the truth of what you need to hear

so how do you how do you package that in a way that you can use in conversation.

One is not doing the slow roll where you're trying to sugarcoat and then you do the,

so listen, as you know, markets aren't really great these days.

And the economy, we got this economy, the stuff that they already feel like coming.

They already feel like coming.

I would much rather you label the conversation right out of the gate.

So this is going to be hard to hear.

I need to be really direct with you.

I'm going to be very direct with you.

It's, it is a, it feels like a punch, but it's much more of a flick.

And it's going to sting for a second and then they'll get over it because now they're in the truth of it.

Now they have the information.

The worst part is the lead up where they don't have the information.

So sometimes it's like, just can you just tell it to me what's what's the news what's the bad news

because you're just like i don't want to it's

and it's physically uncomfortable too yeah but the more you understand

that it's in there i'm saying this for your benefit

because it's my job not to just tell you the good it's also my job to tell you the bad

and we're gonna have a lot of both in this relationship

and this is one of those times where it's not great that doesn't mean it's forever it Doesn't mean it's right now.

And I would assume, assuming you can help them navigate their way out of it, hey, I'm here.

I'm beside you, we're in this together.

I'm gonna help you navigate through it.

This is why I'm here.

This is why I exist.

This is my purpose, to make the hard times easier.

And then is there any part of like a good bedside manner where it's like, and by the way, this isn't the first time I've dealt with this.

we'll get through this, where you're kind of showing them a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Obviously, you need to make sure it's the truth still, but is there any of that, like you hit them with the direct hard stuff, kind of normalizing it a bit where,

hey, other people have gone through this too and come out the other side or no?

You're going to have to first, once you give the news, you're going to have to brace for a reaction.

Everybody's different.

There's been people I've given bad news to and they were like, you know, that's all I got was a grunt and then other people just lost their minds.

What I have to do, no matter what, is to be able to acknowledge whatever feeling they're feeling.

You cannot tell them not to feel that way.

You can't be like, no, no, no, no, wait, you shouldn't feel that because you see all these other things.

That don't matter.

It matters.

They're feeling it now.

So rather than trying to push them away from it, you have to get really disciplined about affirming it.

I agree.

I agree that doesn't fair.

I agree that doesn't feel fair.

If I were in your same position, I'd be upset too.

You have to be in a way that says everything you're feeling is justified right now, even if it's not the truth of the matter.

And I know that things are going to get better.

You have to have, let them have their moment.

And then that's when you have, like, you can't just rush them through that.

You have to have space for that, that time in the conversation where they get to kind of just have a reaction.

Then, and you're going to know when the time's right.

It's like just a, a fresh breeze in the conversation where you get to ask can i give you a little bit of hope

and they're gonna say yes please like somebody who's thirsty i've seen this a lot

and what i've seen every single time is that they get through it and in fact they're they're better for it

and i think that's going to be the situation here yeah i mean

that to me goes oh okay great now i'm in a

much better place rather than you going oh you shouldn't be mad about this though because you you know, that's only gonna make them more upset.

That's like telling somebody to calm down when they're upset, like good luck.

That's not gonna ever happen.

Opposite effect engaged.

Yeah, exactly.

So what I'm hearing there is that middle space.

So you hit them with the hard news, the direct, there's a middle space.

It could be short, it could be long, but there's a space where empathy is needed.

And I think a lot of advisors struggle with that because they almost get desensitized.

They're like, I've seen this problem a hundred times before.

Now for that individual across the table, that's the first time they're experiencing it.

But the advisor has seen it so many times.

It's like an ER doctor that like somebody's arms chopped off.

They're like, I've seen this before, not a big deal.

So how do you start to make sure you're like checking

yourself like to where you're not going through the motions as an advisor, I'm sure as an attorney, you see the same things over and over.

You almost have to, it's like a mindset thing for you.

Are there mental practices that you have where you're like, give them space, meet them where they're at, listen, acknowledge.

Like, are you going through a mental framework like that when you're like needing to stay in the moment yourself?

I wish I could tell you I do, but I don't.

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I mean, because life happens.

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It's more of this kind of state of mind that I try to remember what's my purpose in their life,

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not what's their purpose in mind.

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Because if I think of what's their role in my life, it's easy to just not really care about their problems.

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I'm focused on what Jefferson's doing.

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But if I reverse it and I say, what's my role in their life,

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then I'm able to kind of step outside of myself and understand they had a beginning and they'll have an end.

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And I have a very small part to play in the right now.

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That's where my mind goes.

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I love that.

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It's almost like a spiritual approach to it a bit.

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Yeah.

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Oh, heavy.

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That's what I'm hearing.

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Yeah.

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Heavy.

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Yeah.

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Servant mindset.

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Mm-hmm.

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you talk about your values being your compass which kind of

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if you talk about spirituality and how you serve them yeah uh

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when somebody comes at you i'm sure you've had some people

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come at you probably with some choice words in there for

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sure um how do you make sure regardless of how somebody's communicating at me i will stay true to myself

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and be proud of how i communicate how I represent myself.

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I had a really great role model, still do.

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My dad, I mean, I grew up in courthouses.

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And so I saw a lot and heard a lot.

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And my dad was the type that just not much should ruffle his feathers.

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And I mean, he's the type that, you know, I'd be in the passenger seat

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would be going somewhere dad's driving

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and in the side mirror i can see somebody's riding our tail what does

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that do to me i'm i kind of have this anxiety

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like all right dad we gotta you need to go faster

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or like you gotta do something

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and uh it's usually like hey dad i think you need

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to like speed up they're on us he's like oh yeah i see him

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and he just keeps driving and so when it's safe

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well i mean it never failed he would just kind of merge over into the shoulder

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and do his hand

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and he'd always say go on with your bad self every

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time he's like go on go on with your bad self

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while he's driving and that's the mentality

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that i i really saw a lot of and i when i would get heated about something with,

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usually with my mom, my dad would be like,

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my dad would always have this kind of mentality of, well, what do you think she's thinking when you do that?

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Don't make me think about that.

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I want to think about what I'm upset about.

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And so he was always making me think about the other stuff.

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He'd say, don't make that your Alamo, if anybody knows Texas history.

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He'd say, don't make that your Alamo.

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Yeah, they're going to be upset about it, and what are you going to do?

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so what what's helped me is

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when somebody has choice for words for me i get to choose in

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that moment do i want to be the one carrying those forever

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or do i want them to be carrying it somebody's going to carry it

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but those words aren't going to go nowhere

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so i could either be the one who remembers what so and so said 10 years ago

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something they probably don't even remember?

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Or do I want to be the person who doesn't remember what so-and-so said,

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but they do, and they still feel bad about it all these 10 years later?

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I'd much rather be where I'm not carrying somebody's words for free.

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I think that's what happens a lot is we choose to remember things far longer than they need to be.

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But if I just have this mentality of, I don't have to pick those up.

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Your dad trained you from a young age by example.

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For sure, yes.

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Number one.

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Yeah.

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Great lesson as a parent as well.

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But he said, what are they thinking?

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So he made you walk in their shoes, whether it was your mom or I'm sure somebody else.

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Yeah.

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That's a great life lesson right there.

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He'd always let me play it out.

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Yeah.

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He'd say, okay, you say this.

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So he'd unpack it.

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So you'd say, here's what I think she's thinking.

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And then he'd like almost depose you a little bit.

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Yeah.

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Oh, it was all what they call Socratic method in law school.

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So you teach by asking questions.

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Same way they talk about like cases and stuff in law school.

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So we talk about historic cases and then the professor calls you up, stands you up and they ask you questions and uses those questions

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that you answer because you have to do your reading to teach the class.

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And so that's, that's kind of how that was done to me.

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So you'd say, okay, what did you say?

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What did she say?

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All right.

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When you said that, how do you think she felt?

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And because she felt that way, what do you think she's going to want to do next?

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And so he would play out five, 10 steps after the conversation would happen.

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And then he would always be like, you sure you really want to go say that?

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You know, he'd be like, nah, I don't really.

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Okay, that's what I thought.

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I've just realized it's really not typically worth it.

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It wasn't worth that.

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that moment that you thought you needed to get

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that hit at opening because you knew if you said that it was just going to land so good.

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Just realized really on, oh, that's a really pretty hollow feeling.

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My 15-year-old doesn't know what's about to hit him when I get home, Jefferson.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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If you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here.

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Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here and I'll meet you there.

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शैडोइंग अभ्यास: THIS is How To Be Direct Without Hurting People | Jefferson Fisher - वीडियो के साथ अंग्रेजी बोलना सीखें

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