쉐도잉 연습: Feeling Lonely? You're Not Alone - YouTube로 영어 말하기 배우기
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I believe we are in the midst of a loneliness crisis.
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I believe we are in the midst of a loneliness crisis.
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It's become quite common nowadays for people to struggle with feelings of isolation.
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In fact, roughly one out of three people report having little to no friends or feelings of disconnection from people around them.
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If you're one of those people, if you're feeling lonely, you're not alone.
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It's a more common experience than you might realise.
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In the last decade loneliness has been on the rise, without showing any signs of slowing down.
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From the elderly who have nobody to talk to, to the young adults who are isolating themselves, nobody is immune.
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But why is loneliness even a problem and why should you care?
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It needs to be noted that loneliness is a type of social pain.
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Similar to rejection, exclusion, heartbreak, losing a person close to you, etc.
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However, when people talk about these experiences, when they talk about social pain, they speak about it like the pain is metaphorical.
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If you break up with someone, sure it feels bad, but that's not real pain, right?
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Breaking your leg, now that's real pain.
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But actually, that's not quite accurate.
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Back in 2002, Matthew Lieberman and his team conducted a very interesting study.
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They asked participants to lay down in fMRI scanners while they would play a simple ball tossing game on the computer.
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It looked like this: The participants controlled a hand, and whenever the ball came to them, they would decide whom to throw it to next.
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The participants were led to believe that they were playing the game with two other real people over the internet, who were also lying in scanners.
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But after a couple of minutes of repetitive tossing the ball back and forth, the game changed.
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The other two participants, who were really just a computer program, stopped throwing the ball to the original participant.
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Completely.
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The actual participant was just left watching, what they believed to be, two people throwing the ball to each other, while they themselves were being actively excluded.
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This went on for a couple of minutes, and every single time, when the participant got out of the scanner, they showed a significant emotional response, either depression or anger.
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But what's interesting is all the brain data that scientists collected.
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There was a night and day difference in brain activity when participants had been included in the game and when they had been excluded.
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There were two key findings: Firstly, the same brain regions that register physical pain became active when people were left out of the game.
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And secondly, the more someone told the researchers they felt bad for being left out, the stronger the response was in those regions.
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So clearly social pain is not just metaphorical.
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The same brain regions light up as when you are in physical pain.
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And if that study alone doesn't persuade you, consider the following: It turns out that if you give people Tylenol, all these effects go away.
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The same pain killer that you take for your headache, actually works for your heartache, exclusion and rejection.
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Important caveat here, do not try this at home.
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Tylenol is super toxic and 500 people a year die from Tylenol overdoses.
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These experiments were done in a controlled, proper lab based way.
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But the takeaway here is that social pain is real pain.
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And for that reason, loneliness shouldn't be taken lightly.
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People who are in pain, tend to see the world more pessimistically.
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Have you ever taken a walk in the woods and jumped back because you saw a stick on the ground, but thought it was a snake?
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Well, the lonely person sees those snakes all the time.
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Particularly, they see their social interactions as more negative.
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This in turn makes their behaviour more defensive, they start building walls around them and they start to avoid social interactions.
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This of course, fuels and perpetuates their loneliness, since they are pushing people away, often even without realizing it.
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It's a cycle of spiralling down and the longer you're stuck there, the harder it is to get out of it.
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With that being said, our ability to feel lonely, to feel that social pain, is actually useful.
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After all, until very recently in the history of our species, a lonely human would have been quite literally at risk of death.
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We used to live in small communities and if you were outcast from the tribe, it was very likely you would perish.
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So we developed this feeling that told us we should connect with others, as it will increase our chances of survival.
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If you were to remove the trigger for loneliness, it would be like shutting down hunger and thirst.
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Just like we have physical needs such as eating food and drinking water, so too we have to satisfy our psychological needs for friendship and community.
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And we need loneliness to tell us when or if our social needs aren't being met.
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But nowadays, we live in a society where we don't necessarily need to get along with other people in order to survive.
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So why should we even listen to the loneliness signal?
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Well, feeling lonely occasionally is not necessarily a problem.
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Everyone feels that way from time to time, as it's a completely normal feeling.
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The issue is when we start to feel lonely often or most of the time.
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In fact, studies have shown that chronic loneliness can increase the risk of heart disease by 29% and the risk of stroke by 32%.
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It's a bigger killer than obesity and has been found to be as harmful as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
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If you're surprised by this data, you're not the only one.
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I was as well.
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So even if you're doing everything else right, exercising frequently, eating properly, sleeping adequately, you might still be damaging your health, simply by neglecting your social needs.
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Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too.
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That is why you shouldn't ignore the loneliness signal.
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Now it's important to note that being alone and being lonely aren't the same thing.
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You may enjoy spending time by yourself and find it fulfilling, or you may feel lonely even when surrounded by friends.
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It is not simply a lack of people around you, but rather a feeling of disconnection from others.
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Like you can't relate to them, or they can't relate to you.
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So loneliness is more about having a gap between the social interaction and support you'd like to have, and what you're actually getting.
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It's also important to recognize that loneliness is different for each individual and can be influenced by factors such as introversion and extroversion.
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Some prefer to have dozens of loose connections, while others like to have just one person they're close to.
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It's best to focus on finding connections that fit your own personal needs, and that feel meaningful and fulfilling to you.
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There's no point in trying to compare yourself to others, or view making friends as a competition.
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So as long as it works for you, spending lots of time by yourself or with just one other person isn't necessarily bad.
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But what's the culprit behind the sharp rise in loneliness over the past decade?
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As it is with everything, there isn't just one thing, but rather there are multiple factors at play.
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I would say there are 4 main ones: Limited time and limited energy, along with easy access to technology and social media.
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Each plays a role here.
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Firstly, nowadays we're constantly busy with something, so time has become scarce.
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Whether it's work, school, or other hobbies, it gets reflected on our social lives.
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Many choose not to spend the little free time they have socialising, but rather look for ways to get everything done or to get ahead.
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And if you're someone who is chasing greatness, you'll find that the road ahead can be particularly lonely, as socializing might not contribute to your success.
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For that reason, one of the first things that gets cut out is hanging out with the boys or the girls, in order to free up more time.
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Secondly, after a long day of school or work, we might not have the necessary energy to socialize, and we might prefer to recharge in solitude instead.
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Hanging out with people, while it might be fun, can also be draining, especially if we've already been interacting with others throughout the day.
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And it takes two to tango.
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You might have the time and energy and be giving your 100%, but if the other person doesn't, and can only put in their 10%, the interaction is simply going to be sub-optimal.
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Then as we age, it gets harder to make new friends and maintain current friendships.
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As we take on more responsibilities, we end up with less time and less energy for our relationships.
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There's simply a limited amount of fuel in the tank and we prioritize spending it on other things instead.
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Thirdly, nowadays we have easy access to technology.
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Two decades ago we didn't have the internet like we have now, nor did we carry phones with us wherever we wanted.
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It's only recently that we have acquired the luxury of carrying a small computer in our pocket at all times.
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While these innovations have made our lives easier in a lot of ways, they have also made us more asocial, as we don't have to rely on other people as much as we used to.
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Now you don't have to ask for directions anymore.
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You can just Google it.
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And if you ever feel awkward or bored, you can just pull out your phone and drown out those unpleasant feelings, while 20 years ago you might've actually struck a conversation with someone.
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I mean, why look around if you have an endless stream of entertainment right in front of you?
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But because we have these distractions now, we simply don't have the same opportunities to practice and develop face to face social skills as we did before.
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Which feeds into and perpetuates the loneliness cycle I mentioned earlier.
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The last factor is the rise of social media, which has replaced a lot of in person interaction.
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We're now chronically online and we're neglecting real life in pursuit of our digital one.
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But social media encourages less authentic versions of ourselves.
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Nobody posts on Instagram when they have just spent the whole weekend, in their pajamas, eating pizza and binging on Netflix shows.
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Instead we share highly curated happy moments, parties and celebrations.
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When we see other people's highlights, we start to feel like we're missing out, because it seems they are constantly doing fun things.
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We forget that they don't share their dull moments online, but we know about every single uninteresting part of our life, which in turn makes us feel bad about ourselves.
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Also, for many people, their socialisation now consists of liking and commenting.
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So it's not a surprise that studies have shown the more time we spend on social media, the more likely it is that we'll feel lonely.
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So with all these 4 factors in mind, what can we do to combat loneliness?
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Well first of all, we should look to spend less time on our devices.
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Social media and online interaction can be a good substitute if you don't have anyone in your life you can relate to.
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However, it's like junk food.
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It's better than starving, but it's not optimal.
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Now I'm not saying that social media and technology are bad, they're just a tool after all.
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What's important is how we use it.
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It's just that nowadays we're not using it, but it's using us.
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So we should try to be more intentional with it instead.
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And secondly, we should look to invest some of our time and energy into deliberate socialisation.
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One thing that we aren't really taught, is that friendships and our social lives have to be maintained.
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And that it requires life-long effort to do so.
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Many friendships form passively, simply by being at the same place, at the same time.
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When you're a kid, you're locked in a room with a bunch of other kids.
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And when you're an adult, you have coworkers who are just kinda there.
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You form bonds out of practicality.
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But when that isn't the case any longer, when someone moves, changes jobs or whatever, that friendship often falls apart.
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Which is a shame.
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Unless of course, both parties are willing to invest time and energy to maintain it.
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Close friendships aren't formed overnight.
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They are forged over time, by sharing experiences with one another.
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It would be such a waste to lose a friend because you didn't put in any effort to keep the friendship alive.
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So please, reach out to one of your friends today.
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Ask them what they're up to.
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Maintain that bond.
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It could even be an old friend you had in the past, but the friendship fizzled out.
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The thing is that most of us would like to hear from an old friend, but probably both of you are hoping that the other person reaches out first.
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Be the one to take that first step.
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Reach out to some of your old friends and see if they want to catch up.
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Best case scenario is you revive an old friendship.
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Worst case is, you move on, but at least you won't have to wonder: "What if?" Of course you could always try to form new friendships.
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But you have to take the initiative and actually put yourself into situations where social interaction could take place.
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However, don't go to a bar or club if you're not that kind of person.
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This is where people most often go wrong.
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They think they're forced to go to nightclubs or parties, just because there are people there.
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But there's no point in going somewhere you don't enjoy being, just to try and make friends.
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The friendships that you'll make there won't be as high quality, since you probably won't have that much in common.
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Instead go to events and places that you're actually interested in.
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If you enjoy reading, start going to the library.
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If you enjoy sitting in the park, do that.
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There's a higher chance you'll meet someone similar to you there, than somewhere you feel out of place.
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Also there's nothing wrong with picking up a new hobby in order to make new friends.
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But make sure that you're actually interested in the hobby, and that friendships aren't the only reason you picked it up.
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If you meet someone interesting and a friendship happens, great, but if not, you're still fine since you're enjoying the activity.
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With all of that being said, you shouldn't try to force your way into a friendship, just because you feel lonely.
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While chronic loneliness is bad, toxic relationships and toxic friendships are even worse for you.
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Living in a high conflict marriage for example, turns out to be really bad for your health, even more so than going through divorce and feeling lonely.
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So you don't want to have friends and a relationship just for the sake of it.
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We don't have to, nor should we associate with people who make us miserable.
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Sometimes we just have to do the hard thing and cut the relationship off.
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I know it's difficult, especially if it's a family member, or someone that was once close to you.
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But sometimes people just grow apart and should go in different directions.
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The world is filled with tons of potential good friends, but you won't get a chance to meet them, if you keep spending time with toxic ones instead.
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If you're a regular viewer of this channel, chances are you're someone who's success driven.
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And the path to greatness is usually a lonelier one, as not everyone is willing to make the necessary sacrifices to get there.
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However, it should be noted that many people that do achieve that success, realise that it wasn't what they were actually looking for.
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One of the biggest predictors of happiness and well-being isn't how rich or how famous you get, but how good your social bonds are.
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It's no wonder that two of the biggest regrets of the old and dying are: "I wish I would've stayed in touch with my friends." and "I wish I hadn't worked so hard." So it's up to you to decide for yourself if skipping out on friendship is a worthy trade-off.
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As for myself, I've realised that I should invest more time and energy into cultivating meaningful relationships.
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But those are just my thoughts.
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I also want to hear what you think.
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Do you think friendship is important?
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Do we need close friends or are acquaintances enough?
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Let me know in the comments below.
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As always, thanks for watching.
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And I'll see you in the next one.
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일상 대화를 위한 5가지 표현
- Feeling lonely? - 외롭다고 느끼니?
- You're not alone. - 당신은 혼자가 아니에요.
- Social pain is real pain. - 사회적 고통은 실제 고통이다.
- Have you ever felt excluded? - 배제당한 느낌을 받아본 적이 있나요?
- We need to connect with others. - 우리는 다른 사람들과 연결될 필요가 있어요.
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