쉐도잉 연습: Why Dating Apps Don’t Always Fix Loneliness | What We’re Really Searching For - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

연습 모드 선택

각 모드는 전체 화면 연습실로 열립니다.

243 문장

문장이 너무 짧거나 길면 Edit를 눌러 조정하세요.

If you've ever opened a dating app and then scrolled around for 15 or 20 minutes and then closed at Disappointed, and then opened it again 20 minutes later to see if anybody flirted with you or if anybody responded,

then you already understand the loop.

Because you can spend hours searching, chatting back and forth, flirting, exchanging pictures, maybe even hooking up, or maybe even getting what you thought you wanted,

and still feel lonely when it's over.

And here's what surprised me.

In a 2025 study of 226 men who had sex with men,

participants spent an average of nine and a half hours per week across nearly three different dating apps.

And more problematic use was associated with spending more time on the app searching, but not with having more sexual partners.

So if more searching doesn't lead to meeting more people, just more wasted time, then what exactly are we searching for?

Because I think for a lot of us, the answer is more than just sex.

And some of the latest research on dating apps gives us a really interesting clue into what may actually help with loneliness.

But first, we need to understand why the loop is so hard to stop.

First, I'm not here to tell you that dating apps are bad.

They're convenient for people with really busy lives, and if you're looking for sex, they can be a great solution.

Dating apps can also be useful if you're naturally more introverted, or if you just don't like going out to the public spaces like bars where people typically go to meet,

or if you live in a rural area and you just don't have many people near you.

But the question I became interested in is different.

What happens when a dating app becomes one of our primary tools for human connection, but we're asking it to give us something it may not be especially good at giving us?

Because contact and connection are not the same thing, and the research gets pretty interesting here.

A team of researchers in Switzerland studied 226 men who have sex with men and who regularly use dating apps.

Again, the research found that participants averaged 9.5 hours per week across nearly 3 different dating apps.

When they rated why they used their favorite dating app on a scale of 1 to 5, the strongest motivation was finding a sex partner, 4.3 out of 5.

Finding a life partner came in at 2.3 out of 5.

Now that part probably isn't shocking.

Guys use dating apps to hook up all the time.

But here's the part that I found more interesting.

Higher problematic youth scores were associated with higher anxiety, depression, loneliness, and lower sexual fulfillment.

They were also associated with spending more time on the apps, but not with having more sexual partners.

And while this study doesn't prove that the dating apps caused anxiety, depression, or loneliness, since this type of study can't tell us which came first,

the problematic app use or the mental health symptoms, it does raise an interesting question.

If somebody is spending more and more time searching on dating apps without becoming more fulfilled, then why does he keep coming back?

I can only answer that part from my own experience.

When I moved to a new town and I was looking to meet new people, but I hadn't yet, and I was feeling a little bit socially isolated,

and since I don't fit neatly into gay or straight, so I don't really fully feel comfortable in most gay or straight spaces where people go to meet in public,

I spent a lot of time on dating apps.

Some of them were more relationship-oriented, but since I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time and I needed to satisfy my natural male urges,

I found myself spending more time on the hookup-oriented dating apps.

99% of the time I spent on these dating apps amounted to nothing more than just wasted time.

And there was a lot of wasted time.

But occasionally I connected with somebody and it was great and a lot of fun in the moment.

But I noticed something afterwards.

Once the horniness was gone, the hookup often didn't feel as good in hindsight as it did in the moment.

And usually not good enough for another meetup with that person.

The chase, the buildup, and the anticipation were almost as exciting as the sex itself.

And the novelty of the hot sex often wore off after the first

or second time because the main thing that brought us together was physical attraction, and for me, that can fade pretty quickly if there's nothing below the surface to create a deeper connection.

It can also fade pretty quickly if somebody appears different than their pictures, or if our personalities just simply aren't aligned.

The most fulfilling sex that I've ever experienced has been with partners that I knew deeply, where there was a strong sense of chemistry,

trust, camaraderie, affection, communication, and a bond that went deeper than skin deep.

The app encounters could occasionally satisfy something immediately, but they rarely satisfied that.

And even still, I kept searching.

Looking back, I thought I was just looking for another hookup, one that was better than the last one, and sometimes I was.

But I think a lot of the time, I was actually looking for the person who would finally give me a reason to stop searching.

A real-life partner.

Somebody that I genuinely connected with.

And great sex that came out of that connection.

Instead, the search itself became almost endless.

Like I was on a proverbial treadmill exerting a lot of time

and effort but not making any ground on finding that real partner.

And that brings us to The Loop.

Every time you open a dating app, there's a maybe.

Maybe they responded.

Maybe they sent a picture.

Maybe they tapped me or flirted with me.

Maybe tonight's going to be the night.

Maybe this person will be the one.

You don't know what you're going to find until you look.

And that uncertainty is what's so compelling.

It's a similar principle to slot machines in a casino.

Say you sit down and you pull the handle a few times and nothing happens.

But then maybe on the third or fourth time you pull the handle and you get a big payout.

So now you're feeling lucky.

So then you start putting more money in and pulling the handle again and nothing happens.

So then you just keep putting money in and pulling the handle hoping that you get another big payout.

So what I'm saying is the reward is unpredictable and it can come at any time.

And that's what keeps us coming back.

On a dating app, whenever you open it on your phone, sometimes nothing exciting happens.

But then sometimes you open it and something exciting does happen.

Maybe somebody sends you a flirt or a nice message or some pictures or shows some interest.

So then you respond.

And then a few minutes later, you check to see if they responded.

And if they didn't, maybe you check again 20 minutes later, because maybe then you'll finally get that reward of a response.

One framework that helped me understand my own experience with dating apps comes from Stanford addiction psychiatrist Anna Lemke.

In the well-known book Dopamine Nation, she describes the brain as continually trying to maintain a balance between pleasure and pain.

With repeated exposure to highly rewarding, instantly gratifying stimuli, in this case, using a dating app that occasionally leads to sex,

the reward, the sex, can become less satisfying over time, while the discomfort of going without it can increase.

So a behavior can shift from I'm doing this because it feels good,

which is impulsive, to I'm doing this because not doing it feels uncomfortable, and that's compulsive.

It's like a heroin addict who shoots up, not because the high feels great since they've built up a tolerance to the drug,

but mainly to avoid the excruciating pain of withdrawal, the pain of not shooting up.

Now I should mention the Swiss dating app researchers did not measure dopamine in their study.

I'm just using Lemke's framework as one way of explaining my dating app use

and why I felt so compelled to use them more than I really wanted to.

But then I found another study that changed how I thought about the loneliness question entirely, because one behavior on Grindr was associated with less loneliness, but it wasn't sexting.

In 2017, researchers at Cornell surveyed 274 Grindr users.

They were interested in something called intimate self-disclosure.

Basically, what happens when you tell another person something honest and revealing about yourself.

Their analysis found that more frequent Kriner use was associated with greater intimate self-disclosure,

and that disclosure was associated with less internalized shame about their sexuality, and lower internalized shame was associated with less loneliness.

100

So the beneficial aspect of the app use wasn't sexting and hooking up to reduce shame and loneliness, it was revealing something true about yourself to another person,

101

and as a result feeling known, seen, and understood.

102

Essentially, being able to say something

103

that you may not be able to say anywhere else and discovering that the other person doesn't reject you for it.

104

For guys who don't fit neatly into straight or gay, either sexually, socially, or both, who often have to hide parts of themselves

105

or perform in public spaces in order to fit in and not be rejected by the group, I can see why dating apps could provide enormous value.

106

And that's when something clicked for me.

107

Maybe what a lot of us are really searching for isn't just another person to have sex with.

108

Maybe we're searching for someone with whom we can be our true selves without the fear of rejection.

109

And the middlemen survey gives me another reason to think that that may be true.

110

The middlemen survey is a self-selected survey of guys who found the middlemen content.

111

These guys don't fit neatly into straight or gay, sexually, socially, or both.

112

It's not nationally representative, but as more and more men have responded, a remarkably consistent pattern has emerged.

113

Of the 395 respondents, 82% reported that they felt like the lonely only to some degree.

114

That means feeling like nobody else experiences attractions or feelings the way they do.

115

30% said they felt that way almost constantly.

116

Another 22% said they felt that way for most of their lives until recently.

117

And nearly 30% said they felt that way sometimes.

118

Only about 5% said they felt like they've always felt understood.

119

And then look at what else these men told me.

120

Nearly 75% reported that they felt like they don't belong in either the straight or the gay worlds.

121

Over 65% reported loneliness that's hard to explain.

122

60% wished they had somebody they could talk with who truly gets it.

123

And almost 60% reported shame about their attractions.

124

Those numbers make me ask a basic question.

125

If these men want connection, then where are they supposed to go?

126

Among the 172 gay and queer men who answered the community questions in the survey, nearly 74% said they don't connect with the nightlife,

127

bar, and club culture of the gay spaces available to them.

128

Nearly two-thirds said those spaces feel too focused on appearance and youth.

129

And almost two-thirds said their values, hobbies, and interests felt too different from those found in the gay spaces available to them.

130

And then I asked 93 bisexual or pansexual men how connected they felt to a bisexual community.

131

Do you know how many said, yes, I feel connected to a bisexual community?

132

Zero.

133

Not a single one.

134

Some said the bispaces exist, but they're either too hard to find or they're not really what they're looking for.

135

And the broader survey paints an equally striking picture.

136

I asked 390 men, where, if anywhere, do you feel most fully yourself?

137

The top answer?

138

Alone.

139

29% of the respondents.

140

Another 15% said in nature or doing solitary activities.

141

And another 11% said, honestly, nowhere yet.

142

That means for 55% of the 390 men in this survey, the place where they feel most authentically themselves isn't with a social group,

143

family, friends, or a community.

144

It isn't even with another person.

145

And that matters because loneliness isn't always being physically alone.

146

Sometimes it's being surrounded by people while feeling like nobody actually knows you, often due to hiding parts of yourself or performing in order to fit in with the group.

147

So if you don't feel at home in the straight or gay spaces available to you, and there are no in-between spaces, and you don't know where else to go to find men who understand you,

148

then where do you go?

149

For a lot of guys, the answer is obvious.

150

You open your phone.

151

And that's where the apps come in.

152

Of the 272 middlemen survey respondents who answered an optional question about dating apps and websites,

153

190 reported using at least one.

154

Those 190 men made 377 app or website selections, almost two selections per user on average.

155

And Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies, and Tinder were among the most commonly selected in that order.

156

And here's where I think the story becomes really important, because when I looked specifically at those 190 men using dating apps, they weren't describing lives overflowing with connection.

157

Quite the opposite, actually.

158

More than 76% reported loneliness from not being truly known.

159

More than 83% said they'd experienced that lonely-only feeling.

160

And nearly a quarter said nobody in their lives knew the full truth about them.

161

Again, that doesn't necessarily mean that the dating apps caused their loneliness.

162

Lonelier men just may be more likely to use dating apps.

163

But I think it does raise an important tension.

164

These men are actively searching for other men and women, and presumably sometimes meeting them.

165

Yet many still feel unseen as their true selves, and consequently lonely.

166

And perhaps the most revealing finding came when these app users were asked what would make the biggest difference in their lives.

167

The top answer?

168

Friends who truly understand them.

169

70%.

170

The second top answer?

171

A private community of men like them.

172

62%.

173

Being able to fully come out?

174

23.4%.

175

That one stopped me, because it suggests that for a lot of these guys, the problem isn't simply, I need to tell more people about my sexuality.

176

They wanted something deeper.

177

And when those spaces aren't available in everyday life, it makes sense why a lot of men gravitate towards dating apps.

178

Maybe what looks like a search for another hookup is sometimes a search for a person

179

or a community where we don't have to hide parts of ourselves or perform in order to fit in and belong.

180

And that's ultimately why I don't think the answer is simply delete the dating apps, because they serve a real purpose.

181

I just don't want them to be the only door that men know how to open.

182

So instead of telling them to close that door, I built another one.

183

Not a replacement for dating apps, and not an anti-sex base, but just another way for men to connect, without leading with sex first.

184

I built the middlemen community around two main ideas, Truth-first connection and effort-first connection.

185

Truth-first connection means having somewhere where you can say the thing that you've been carrying silently for years.

186

Somewhere where you can be yourself around men like you without having to hide parts of yourself

187

or perform in order to fit in.

188

Maybe you live a straight life but sometimes discreetly connect with guys.

189

Maybe you're married.

190

Maybe you're bi or gay but don't fit neatly into gay or bi spaces.

191

Maybe you're questioning or curious or you don't like labels

192

or you don't know what label you are and maybe you don't want one.

193

Maybe you're struggling with loneliness, relationships, faith, or sexuality.

194

Well, in this middlemen community, you can speak your truth and hear other guys say, me too.

195

Like the finding in the Cornell research study, real connection can begin when you share your true self with someone and they accept you as you are.

196

But exchanging words isn't the only way that men bond.

197

Men also build relationships by doing things together.

198

A dating app can offer a reward in seconds, but a run asks something of you first.

199

So does lifting weights, or learning how to play a song with band members, or going on a hike, or going hunting, or fishing,

200

or cycling, or surfing, or building something together.

201

Those activities put men beside each other repeatedly.

202

You don't have to sit across from another guy and say, hi, would you like to start a deep and meaningful friendship today?

203

You can simply say, hey, do you want to go for a run next Saturday.

204

And before you know it, you're sharing miles and maybe you're talking about work and relationships and friendships.

205

And then maybe you reveal something about yourself you've never told anybody before.

206

That's the kind of community that middlemen is.

207

It's centered around activities, values, hobbies, interests, conversations, goals, and shared experiences.

208

Sex and sexuality can absolutely be a part of it.

209

It just doesn't have to be the basis for the relationship.

210

Because I believe that connecting on a deeper level leads to longer lasting and more meaningful friendships, partners, and community.

211

And instead of telling men to close the only door that's useful to them, I'd rather just give them another one.

212

So the next time you're about to open a dating app, ask yourself one question.

213

What am I searching for right now?

214

Is it sex?

215

Is it boredom relief or loneliness relief?

216

Is it attention or validation?

217

Am I looking for someone to talk to?

218

Am I looking for a life partner?

219

Am I looking for a connection with somebody that's more than just sex?

220

Or am I looking for someone with whom I can be seen and accepted as my true self?

221

Because different needs may require different doors.

222

And if you're looking for sex and a dating app helps you find it, then that's great.

223

But if what you really need is a deeper connection, and you find yourself caught in the loop wasting too much time on dating apps

224

and feeling like you never found what you're ultimately looking for, then ask yourself whether the tool that you're using is actually giving you that.

225

And if it isn't, then maybe you don't need to search harder.

226

Maybe you just need another door.

227

That's what I'm trying to build with middlemen.

228

If you're gay or bi but don't fit neatly into the spaces designed for you, if you're questioning closeted, fluid, or unlabeled, if you're straight or closeted and you're not out to anybody,

229

or you're simply a guy who's attracted to men who wants relationships built around more than just sex, the middlemen community is there.

230

The link's in the description.

231

And if you haven't already, I also invite you to take the anonymous middlemen survey, and the link for that's in the description as well.

232

After you complete the survey, you'll be able to see the collective results, so you'll be able to see how many other guys out there answered the questions just like you did.

233

And at the time of recording this video, there are responses from 550 men from all over the world.

234

The goal isn't necessarily to never open an app again.

235

It's to build a life where an app is no longer the only place where you think connection might be waiting.

236

And maybe to finally find that person who gives you a reason to stop searching.

237

Because a grid of faces can show you who's nearby eye.

238

It can introduce you to somebody.

239

It could even be the beginning of something meaningful, but it cannot guarantee that anybody on that grid will actually know you.

240

And sometimes what you're searching for is not just another face.

241

It's a place where we can finally be seen, known, accepted, understood, and supported as our true selves.

242

Thanks for venturing into the middle with me.

243

I'll catch you in the next one.

앱 다운로드

유창하게 말하는 데 필요한 모든 것

AI 발음 평가문장마다 점수 확인

IPA 발음 연습모든 소리 마스터

단어 학습나만의 단어장 만들기

단어 게임놀면서 외우기

QR 스캔

Download on theApp Store Get it onGoogle Play

FOR YOU

데이트 앱과 외로움: 영어 회화 연습에 활용할 주제

이 비디오는 데이트 앱 사용과 외로움의 관계에 대해 깊이있게 논의하며, 일상적인 대화에서 흔히 사용되는 표현과 자연스러운 발화 패턴을 담고 있어 영어 회화 연습에 적합합니다. 화자는 개인 경험과 연구 결과를 결합해 이야기를 풀어나가는데, 이를 통해 다양한 상황에서의 영어 표현을 학습할 수 있습니다.

일상 대화에 쓸 수 있는 인기 표현 5가지

"scroll around": 스크롤하다. "I scrolled around the app for 20 minutes" (앱을 20분 동안 스크롤했다)처럼 사용합니다.
"hook up": 성관계를 맺다. "They hooked up after chatting for a week" (일주일 동안 채팅한 후 성관계를 맺었다)와 같이 쓰입니다.
"wear off": 사라지다, 줄어들다. "The excitement wore off quickly" (흥분이 빨리 사라졌다)로 사용합니다.
"below the surface": 표면 아래, 본질적으로. "There's more to him below the surface" (그는 표면보다 더 깊은 면이 있다)처럼 표현합니다.
"social isolation": 사회적 고립. "He felt social isolation after moving to a new city" (그는 새 도시로 이사온 후 사회적 고립감을 느꼈다)로 씁니다.

Shadowing 연습을 위한 단계별 가이드

이 비디오는 중급 수준의 영어 회화 연습에 좋은 자료입니다. shadow speech 기법을 사용해 발음과 리듬을 연습해보세요. 다음 단계를 따라하세요:

비디오를 1분씩 듣고, 즉시 따라말합니다. "the loop"나 "problematic use"와 같은 어휘의 발음에 주의하세요.
자막을 보지 않고 듣고 따라하는 연습을 합니다. 화자의 강조하는 부분(예: "contact and connection are not the same thing")의 억양을 따라하세요.
반복해서 연습하며, 자연스러운 속도에 맞춰 말할 수 있도록 노력합니다. shadowing site에서 유사한 콘텐츠를 찾아 연습하면 더 좋습니다.

이렇게 연습하면 shadow speak 실력이 빠르게 향상될 뿐만 아니라, 일상 대화에서 자연스럽게 영어를 사용할 수 있게 됩니다. 작은 단계부터 시작해 지속적으로 연습하면 분명한 진전을 느낄 수 있습니다!

이 영상의 문법

화자가 가장 많이 쓰는 문형을 영상 속 실제 표현과 함께 정리했습니다.

문형	영상 속 표현
수동태 be + 과거분사 — 누가 하는지보다 무슨 일이 일어나는지에 초점	was associated · were associated · were also associated
관계절 who / which + 절 — 사람이나 사물에 대한 추가 정보	men who had · men who have · person who would
현재완료 have/has + 과거분사 — 과거의 일이 지금도 관련이 있을 때	you've ever opened · I've ever experienced · they've built

쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법

쉐도잉(Shadowing)은 원래 전문 통역사 훈련을 위해 개발된 언어 학습 기법으로, 다언어 학자인 Dr. Alexander Arguelles에 의해 대중화된 방법입니다. 핵심 원리는 간단하지만 매우 강력합니다: 원어민의 영어를 들으면서 1~2초의 짧은 지연으로 즉시 소리 내어 따라 말하는 것——마치 '그림자(shadow)'처럼 화자를 따라가는 것입니다. 문법 공부나 수동적인 청취와 달리, 쉐도잉은 뇌와 입 근육이 동시에 실시간으로 영어를 처리하고 재현하도록 훈련합니다. 연구에 따르면 이 방법은 발음 정확도, 억양, 리듬, 연음, 청취력, 말하기 유창성을 크게 향상시킵니다. IELTS 스피킹 준비와 자연스러운 영어 소통을 원하는 분들에게 특히 효과적입니다.

섀도잉 방법: 단계별 전체 가이드 읽기 →

쉐도잉 연습: Why Dating Apps Don’t Always Fix Loneliness | What We’re Really Searching For - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

연습 모드 선택

앱 다운로드

추천 영상

Do you Feel Lonely Tonight? We Are Here To Help

Sexuality Professor Answers Dating Questions | Tech Support | WIRED

How are singles meeting each other in 2026?

Social Media and Your Mental Health

Why Do We Stay in Relationships That Hurt Us?

How living abroad rewires your brain.

Esther Perel Has a Lot to Say about People Dating Chatbots

Why You're Struggling To Find Love: things I wish I knew earlier

Social Media Corrupts Human Interactions | Emma Gannon | Part 3 of 6

Millions are choosing isolation over everything, and it’s a sign that…

The Dating Rules Manipulators Hope You Ignore

Your phone addiction is keeping you from achieving flow state | Arthur Brooks

데이트 앱과 외로움: 영어 회화 연습에 활용할 주제

일상 대화에 쓸 수 있는 인기 표현 5가지

Shadowing 연습을 위한 단계별 가이드

이 영상의 문법

쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법