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Do you ever feel like a second-degree friend?
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Do you ever feel like a second-degree friend?
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You're not part of the main squad, but rather you're the friend of a friend.
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You're always the one watching, but never participating.
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The person people go to when their best friend is busy, but never the first choice.
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And the worst part is you just have to smile and act like you're not hurt at all.
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Because why should you be?
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It's not that deep, right?
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But every time you find yourself asking the same question over and over, why don't I have more friends?
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What is the normal amount?
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Is something fundamentally wrong with me?
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Why can't I have more than two people in my life at the same time?
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I have asked myself this question more times than I can count.
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And if you clicked on this video, you probably have too.
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But after years of always being the odd one out and finally accepting my true identity, I'm going to tell you why having a lot of friends is actually overrated and why the people who keep their circles small are actually winning.
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But first, we need to address the lie we were told about friendship.
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When you were younger, let's say middle school or high school, what did having friends look like in your head?
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Like what was the dream?
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I think for most of us, it was something like this.
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A big group of girls who are always together, laughing, going to each other's houses, hanging out after school, constantly texting in the group chat.
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And definitely not sitting alone at home on a Friday night.
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And because of this ideal of friendship we saw in the media, we all believed that should be our goal.
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We literally performed for it.
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we adjusted ourselves to fit into groups that honestly were not even worth it.
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This is also why we sometimes stay in relationships longer than we should.
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Because having fewer friends or being single is seen as a negative.
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But you see, what nobody told us when we were growing up is that a lot of friendships are not actually friendships.
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They're proximity relationships.
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They're convenient.
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They're formed when two people are in the same place at the same time and they just happen to connect.
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But what most of these friendships lack is depth.
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You know the guys your best friend is talking to, but do you actually know her?
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Do you know her ambitions, her fears, what her family life is like?
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Do you know her values, her life goals, her personal challenges?
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There is a huge difference between having a lot of people in your life and having people who are involved in your life.
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And I learned this the hard way in college.
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I was part of a pretty large group of friends that would pregame and party together, especially for the tailgates.
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Like we would tear that quad up.
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Like it was probably one of the best times of my life.
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And I was super happy to feel included in such a large group, especially freshman year when everyone is trying to make friends.
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I mean, it was definitely kind of like a social currency, you know, like clout.
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But when it actually came to the relationship I had with these people, I honestly didn't feel like I could go super deep with any of them.
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Like when it came to my personal struggles or stress, I didn't feel like I could reach out to them for help.
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It's like the extent of our friendship was just partying and anything else felt weird.
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And I think a lot of us in our mid-20s have realized this.
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These squads start to crack.
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People move on, people change, and without even clocking it, you suddenly have way less people than you used to have.
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And for some reason, instead of seeing this as a sign of growth that we moved on in our life, we see this as a sign of failure.
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We compare ourselves to people on social media and think, what is wrong with me?
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Why am I so lame?
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But before you start punishing yourself, here is why you don't actually want to have a lot of friends.
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The people with small social circles are not the ones who couldn't make friends.
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They're the ones who just stopped pretending to be friends with people they don't like.
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Logically, the bigger your friend group is, the more energy you spend managing it.
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It's a constant game of back and forth, making sure people still like you.
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God forbid there's conflict, now you have to tiptoe around certain people or stop hanging out with someone just to keep the peace.
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It is more exhausting to be in a big friend group than a small one.
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When you have a smaller circle of just two to three people, maybe even just one, you stop performing and you just exist.
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Remember, it's easier to hide in a crowd, but when you surround yourself with people who actually see you, you stop hiding.
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To be quite honest with you, in this very season of my life, I really only have three or four people that I would actually consider my friend.
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And I've never been happier.
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I think 18-year-old Allison would be absolutely petrified at the thought of having less than five friends in her life.
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But I actually really like it and I feel like I can have deeper relationships.
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I also just like to focus my energy on a few people at a time.
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I always want to make sure I'm showing up for others and I can only do that if there's less people.
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And this is actually a concept called Dunbar's Number, which is a theory by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar that that suggests our brains can only maintain 150 meaningful social connections.
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But within that, there's layers.
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And the innermost layer of people that we actually trust and feel safe with is typically five individuals or fewer.
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So when you say I only have two real friends, you're actually not behind.
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You're exactly where you should be.
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The problem isn't that you have a small circle.
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The problem is that society has told you a small circle was something to be ashamed of, which it's not.
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So what does it actually mean to have a small but real social circle?
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To me, it looks like a person or a couple people who I can call when something happens.
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If you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, who are the first people you call for help?
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Or who do you know would answer first?
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A real circle is people who don't just know you, but they see you.
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They see your family situation, your job stress, your anxiety, your complicated relationship with your dad.
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They see you as the person you are at your core, not the version of you who just shows up at the function.
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Sometimes you'll go weeks without talking and then just pick right back up where you left off.
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The conversation just flows naturally and there's no guilt or resentment.
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Like to be honest, other than my partner, I don't really talk to anyone on a daily basis.
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I talk to my friends maybe every couple weeks or even a month.
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It's not this constant thing, but I actually don't mind that.
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I'm secure in our friendship knowing they're not going to ghost me and we're both just doing our own thing.
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And I'm also supporting them from far away.
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But I also want to acknowledge that not having a lot of friends is hard sometimes, especially on social media.
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It's hard to see someone post a big group photo and notice you weren't invited.
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It's hard to sit at home on a Saturday night thinking about what other people are doing.
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So here are a few ways I've learned to actually make peace with it.
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Number one, stop measuring your worth by your calendar.
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Your value has nothing to do with how many people want to hang out with you.
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You have no idea what's going on in other people's lives, so don't let it affect you.
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Personally, I would rather sit at home with myself than fill up my calendar with performative activities.
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I don't need to prove that I'm always going out or hanging out with someone.
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And you also don't need that external validation.
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Number two, audit your current relationships.
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Instead of always looking at other people's relationships, look at your own.
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Who are the people in your life right now and do they actually show up for you?
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Do you genuinely have a good time with them or do you wish you were doing something else?
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Who really knows you for you?
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Who sees you?
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Your answers to these questions will determine who is in your inner circle, and those are the people you should be investing in.
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We only get one life, so stop spending it with the people who won't even remember you.
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Number three, let the surface level stuff go.
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Yes, I get it.
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It sucks being disappointed again and again.
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Your friends always say we should hang out soon and then never follow through, or nobody responds to your texts in the group chat.
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These are probably the relationships in your life that you maintain out of obligation.
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But girl, you gotta let that shit go.
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You don't have to be upset at that stuff anymore.
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I am giving you permission to be okay and move on.
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As you go through life, you will learn that people will just say stuff that they don't actually mean.
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And you will also say stuff that you don't mean.
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And that's okay.
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Clock it, take it with a grain of salt, and again, spend time investing in the people who actually give a shit about you.
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Number four, get genuinely comfortable being alone.
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This is the one that people resist the most, but it matters the most.
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If you cannot stand to be by yourself, that is a bigger problem than not having any friends at all.
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If silence and solitude feel like punishment to you, you will always be chasing a crowd to fill that void.
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I know it sounds corny, but you need to genuinely love yourself so much that you love spending time with yourself.
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And no matter if you're an introvert or an extrovert, everyone needs that time alone with themselves.
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It is so healthy for the soul and it will allow you to give more in the other relationships in your life.
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You are not behind, you are not broken and you are definitely not unlovable.
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You're just someone who values real connection over performative relationships.
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And that is not a flaw.
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That is called emotional intelligence.
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And I think some of us need a little more of that.
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So instead of asking, why don't I have more friends?
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You need to be asking, do I have the right friends?
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If this video resonated with you, then please let me know in the comments.
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I actually do read everything.
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You'd be surprised.
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And if you want to start connecting with other like-minded women who are also passionate about personal growth, you would love my exclusive community at Girl Academy.
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I have a few more spots left, so check out the link in the description to join.
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As always, thanks so much for watching and I'll catch you in the next one.
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Bye!
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주요 어휘 및 구문
- second-degree friend: 2차 친구, 즉 주된 친구의 친구
- proximity relationships: 가까움에 기반한 관계
- convenient: 편리한
- depth: 깊이
- personal struggles: 개인적인 어려움
- social currency: 사회적 가치, 다른 사람들과의 관계에서 얻는 가치
- growth: 성장
- ideal of friendship: 우정의 이상
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비디오의 속도와 톤에 맞춰 shadow speech를 연습하는 것이 좋습니다. 이 비디오는 진솔한 감정을 전달하면서도 자연스러운 흐름을 유지하므로, 각 파트를 반복하여 따라 해보세요. shadow speak할 때, 발음의 뉘앙스와 억양에 신경을 쓰며 음성의 리듬을 느껴보는 것이 중요합니다. 친구 관계에 대한 깊은 이해를 키우면서 같은 감정을 느껴보는 것이 여러분의 영어 발음 교정에도 큰 도움이 될 것입니다. shadowspeaks를 이용해 원어민의 표현을 흉내내며, 각 단어와 구문을 어떻게 자연스럽게 발음하는지 주의 깊게 들어보세요. 이를 통해 실생활에서 사용할 수 있는 유용한 어휘를 익히고, 자신의 의견을 표현하는 데 필요한 자신감을 갖출 수 있습니다.
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