Практика Shadowing: why you don't need a lot of friends - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube
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Do you ever feel like a second-degree friend?
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Do you ever feel like a second-degree friend?
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You're not part of the main squad, but rather you're the friend of a friend.
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You're always the one watching, but never participating.
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The person people go to when their best friend is busy, but never the first choice.
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And the worst part is you just have to smile and act like you're not hurt at all.
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Because why should you be?
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It's not that deep, right?
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But every time you find yourself asking the same question over and over, why don't I have more friends?
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What is the normal amount?
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Is something fundamentally wrong with me?
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Why can't I have more than two people in my life at the same time?
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I have asked myself this question more times than I can count.
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And if you clicked on this video, you probably have too.
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But after years of always being the odd one out and finally accepting my true identity, I'm going to tell you why having a lot of friends is actually overrated and why the people who keep their circles small are actually winning.
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But first, we need to address the lie we were told about friendship.
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When you were younger, let's say middle school or high school, what did having friends look like in your head?
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Like what was the dream?
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I think for most of us, it was something like this.
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A big group of girls who are always together, laughing, going to each other's houses, hanging out after school, constantly texting in the group chat.
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And definitely not sitting alone at home on a Friday night.
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And because of this ideal of friendship we saw in the media, we all believed that should be our goal.
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We literally performed for it.
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we adjusted ourselves to fit into groups that honestly were not even worth it.
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This is also why we sometimes stay in relationships longer than we should.
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Because having fewer friends or being single is seen as a negative.
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But you see, what nobody told us when we were growing up is that a lot of friendships are not actually friendships.
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They're proximity relationships.
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They're convenient.
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They're formed when two people are in the same place at the same time and they just happen to connect.
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But what most of these friendships lack is depth.
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You know the guys your best friend is talking to, but do you actually know her?
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Do you know her ambitions, her fears, what her family life is like?
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Do you know her values, her life goals, her personal challenges?
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There is a huge difference between having a lot of people in your life and having people who are involved in your life.
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And I learned this the hard way in college.
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I was part of a pretty large group of friends that would pregame and party together, especially for the tailgates.
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Like we would tear that quad up.
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Like it was probably one of the best times of my life.
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And I was super happy to feel included in such a large group, especially freshman year when everyone is trying to make friends.
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I mean, it was definitely kind of like a social currency, you know, like clout.
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But when it actually came to the relationship I had with these people, I honestly didn't feel like I could go super deep with any of them.
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Like when it came to my personal struggles or stress, I didn't feel like I could reach out to them for help.
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It's like the extent of our friendship was just partying and anything else felt weird.
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And I think a lot of us in our mid-20s have realized this.
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These squads start to crack.
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People move on, people change, and without even clocking it, you suddenly have way less people than you used to have.
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And for some reason, instead of seeing this as a sign of growth that we moved on in our life, we see this as a sign of failure.
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We compare ourselves to people on social media and think, what is wrong with me?
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Why am I so lame?
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But before you start punishing yourself, here is why you don't actually want to have a lot of friends.
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The people with small social circles are not the ones who couldn't make friends.
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They're the ones who just stopped pretending to be friends with people they don't like.
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Logically, the bigger your friend group is, the more energy you spend managing it.
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It's a constant game of back and forth, making sure people still like you.
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God forbid there's conflict, now you have to tiptoe around certain people or stop hanging out with someone just to keep the peace.
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It is more exhausting to be in a big friend group than a small one.
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When you have a smaller circle of just two to three people, maybe even just one, you stop performing and you just exist.
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Remember, it's easier to hide in a crowd, but when you surround yourself with people who actually see you, you stop hiding.
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To be quite honest with you, in this very season of my life, I really only have three or four people that I would actually consider my friend.
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And I've never been happier.
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I think 18-year-old Allison would be absolutely petrified at the thought of having less than five friends in her life.
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But I actually really like it and I feel like I can have deeper relationships.
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I also just like to focus my energy on a few people at a time.
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I always want to make sure I'm showing up for others and I can only do that if there's less people.
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And this is actually a concept called Dunbar's Number, which is a theory by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar that that suggests our brains can only maintain 150 meaningful social connections.
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But within that, there's layers.
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And the innermost layer of people that we actually trust and feel safe with is typically five individuals or fewer.
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So when you say I only have two real friends, you're actually not behind.
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You're exactly where you should be.
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The problem isn't that you have a small circle.
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The problem is that society has told you a small circle was something to be ashamed of, which it's not.
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So what does it actually mean to have a small but real social circle?
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To me, it looks like a person or a couple people who I can call when something happens.
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If you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, who are the first people you call for help?
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Or who do you know would answer first?
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A real circle is people who don't just know you, but they see you.
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They see your family situation, your job stress, your anxiety, your complicated relationship with your dad.
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They see you as the person you are at your core, not the version of you who just shows up at the function.
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Sometimes you'll go weeks without talking and then just pick right back up where you left off.
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The conversation just flows naturally and there's no guilt or resentment.
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Like to be honest, other than my partner, I don't really talk to anyone on a daily basis.
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I talk to my friends maybe every couple weeks or even a month.
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It's not this constant thing, but I actually don't mind that.
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I'm secure in our friendship knowing they're not going to ghost me and we're both just doing our own thing.
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And I'm also supporting them from far away.
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But I also want to acknowledge that not having a lot of friends is hard sometimes, especially on social media.
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It's hard to see someone post a big group photo and notice you weren't invited.
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It's hard to sit at home on a Saturday night thinking about what other people are doing.
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So here are a few ways I've learned to actually make peace with it.
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Number one, stop measuring your worth by your calendar.
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Your value has nothing to do with how many people want to hang out with you.
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You have no idea what's going on in other people's lives, so don't let it affect you.
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Personally, I would rather sit at home with myself than fill up my calendar with performative activities.
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I don't need to prove that I'm always going out or hanging out with someone.
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And you also don't need that external validation.
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Number two, audit your current relationships.
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Instead of always looking at other people's relationships, look at your own.
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Who are the people in your life right now and do they actually show up for you?
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Do you genuinely have a good time with them or do you wish you were doing something else?
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Who really knows you for you?
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Who sees you?
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Your answers to these questions will determine who is in your inner circle, and those are the people you should be investing in.
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We only get one life, so stop spending it with the people who won't even remember you.
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Number three, let the surface level stuff go.
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Yes, I get it.
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It sucks being disappointed again and again.
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Your friends always say we should hang out soon and then never follow through, or nobody responds to your texts in the group chat.
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These are probably the relationships in your life that you maintain out of obligation.
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But girl, you gotta let that shit go.
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You don't have to be upset at that stuff anymore.
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I am giving you permission to be okay and move on.
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As you go through life, you will learn that people will just say stuff that they don't actually mean.
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And you will also say stuff that you don't mean.
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And that's okay.
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Clock it, take it with a grain of salt, and again, spend time investing in the people who actually give a shit about you.
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Number four, get genuinely comfortable being alone.
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This is the one that people resist the most, but it matters the most.
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If you cannot stand to be by yourself, that is a bigger problem than not having any friends at all.
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If silence and solitude feel like punishment to you, you will always be chasing a crowd to fill that void.
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I know it sounds corny, but you need to genuinely love yourself so much that you love spending time with yourself.
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And no matter if you're an introvert or an extrovert, everyone needs that time alone with themselves.
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It is so healthy for the soul and it will allow you to give more in the other relationships in your life.
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You are not behind, you are not broken and you are definitely not unlovable.
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You're just someone who values real connection over performative relationships.
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And that is not a flaw.
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That is called emotional intelligence.
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And I think some of us need a little more of that.
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So instead of asking, why don't I have more friends?
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You need to be asking, do I have the right friends?
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If this video resonated with you, then please let me know in the comments.
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I actually do read everything.
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You'd be surprised.
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And if you want to start connecting with other like-minded women who are also passionate about personal growth, you would love my exclusive community at Girl Academy.
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I have a few more spots left, so check out the link in the description to join.
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As always, thanks so much for watching and I'll catch you in the next one.
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Bye!
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Контекст и Предыстория
В этом видео обсуждается концепция дружбы и то, как общество формирует наши ожидания относительно того, каким должно быть дружеское окружение. Спикер делится своим личным опытом, такими как чувство изоляции и давление, которое мы испытываем, когда сравниваем себя с другими. Часто мы стремимся окружать себя большим количеством людей, полагая, что это делает нас более счастливыми, но на самом деле важнее качество дружбы, а не количество друзей.
Топ-5 Фраз для Повседневного Общения
- Do you ever feel like a second-degree friend? - Вы когда-нибудь чувствовали себя другом второго уровня?
- Why don't I have more friends? - Почему у меня не так много друзей?
- These squads start to crack. - Эти группы начинают трескаться.
- We see this as a sign of failure. - Мы воспринимаем это как признак провала.
- The difference between having a lot of people and having people who are involved. - Разница между тем, чтобы иметь много людей вокруг и тем, чтобы иметь тех, кто действительно вовлечен.
Пошаговое руководство по Shadowing
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