Shadowing Practice: The Dating Rules Manipulators Hope You Ignore - Learn English Speaking with Video

Kies een oefenmodus

Elke modus opent een volledig scherm oefenruimte.

278 zinnen

Als zinnen te kort of te lang zijn, klik op Bewerken om ze aan te passen.

In an ideal world, we'd be writing books

and making videos geared towards people who mistreat others telling them to stop doing that.

But sadly, we don't live in an ideal world,

because people who are set on mistreating others are not going to stop no matter how nicely you ask them.

So this video is for those of you who want to avoid being roped into toxic relationships.

What can you do to weed out abusers before they get their hooks on you?

What sorts of dating rules and boundaries would help you to get those people out of your life?

Because you know, I do think there is something empowering about realizing it's not all in the other person's hands.

You also have some power to repel certain types of people if you have the right information and resources.

And please don't mind my hat.

I'm having a very bad hair day.

If you ever wonder, anytime I have something on my head,

it's because I didn't have time to wash my hair.

Okay, so question for you guys.

Do you have any dating rules or boundaries that are meant to keep people at bay who will likely mistreat you?

If so, let me know what those are in the comments,

and I'll try to read as many of them as I can.

Number one dating rule that could potentially weed out some people who would mistreat you is don't believe everything a person says.

If someone is looking to take advantage of you in some way,

they will probably say whatever is necessary to get into your orbit.

They will lie about themselves,

their intentions towards you, really anything under the sun.

Like I hear there are a lot of people on dating

apps who lie about politics in order to get into bed with people,

and people who lie about wanting a relationship when really they just want something casual.

There are always people who sort of portray themselves as big shots

because they think it's impressive instead of just being honest about where they are in life.

And in fact, studies show that there's a massive percentage of people on dating apps in particular who lie about various things.

So this isn't even necessarily specific to people who are abusers.

This is something you're very likely to encounter no matter what.

Very often, the lies involve flattery.

I've never met anyone like you before.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

You're the most incredible person I've ever met.

You're the most beautiful woman under the sun.

Why?

Because they know to push on your deepest human desires.

Your desire to be worthy,

to be attractive, to be special,

accepted, truly seen for who you are.

Once a person hears that type of flattery,

it's very difficult for them to keep their guard down.

Because then expressing doubt about that person's intentions or honesty would mean shattering the fantasy that that deep desire is finally fulfilled.

It's why even the strongest,

most skeptical person can be swept off their feet by the right type of flattery,

and then the abuser just worms their way in.

Now, does this mean that you always need to be paranoid that the people you're dating are lying to you?

Of course not.

That's not what I'm suggesting.

But when someone is making very grand statements or promises,

especially if it's very early on where they don't really know you very well yet,

take that with a grain of salt.

It's not about having this attitude of like,

let me poke holes in everything that a person tells me.

Just, oh wow, you think I'm the best person you've ever met.

Okay, sure, yeah, whatever you say.

It's more this air of like indifference when someone's blowing smoke up your ass.

Number two, take it slow.

Abusers rely on intensity and speed in the early stages of dating so that they can rope you in.

How do they do this?

It largely comes down to two behaviors,

future faking and love bombing.

Future faking goes back to my last point about saying things that they don't mean.

They make promises about the future that they don't intend to keep,

especially if their goals are very short-term in your life.

If they're just looking to,

you know, take advantage of something and then bounce,

it doesn't really matter to them if you ever get to that point where you realize that their promises were all fake.

So future faking is just them making promises that they don't intend to keep about the future.

Like that they're going to take you on vacation with them,

they're going to commit to you,

they're going to marry you,

they're going to have babies with you,

financially support you, make you the happiest person in the world.

The promises they make come fast in their relationship and they're intense.

Now, love bombing is when they shower you with adoration very early on and again with great intensity.

Like buying you ridiculously expensive or lavish presents,

texting you constantly, asking to see you almost every day,

begging for you to spend ridiculously extended periods of time with them.

This last one I read about recently in this book,

but he says he loves me.

The author was talking about how abusive men will sometimes get women to stay with them for like 24,

48, 72 hour dates,

kind of like this marathon of spending time together in the

early stages of dating to sort of get their hooks in them.

And when I read this,

I was just like, oh my God,

like this makes a lot of sense because I remember when I was in college,

I saw this a lot.

You know, I'm thinking of one friend in particular who she would come to me,

you know, gushing about some guy that she had a crush on and she'd say,

you know, we just spent like 48 hours together.

We're so amazing.

It's tempting in that moment to be like,

wow, like you guys clearly enjoy spending time together.

You clearly have a really strong connection,

but that's kind of a red flag,

especially when, you know, a couple days later,

the guy would reveal he didn't give a rat's ass about her.

100

If somebody keeps pressuring you into staying with them longer and longer and longer and extending that date,

101

it's a red flag.

102

It shows that they're really trying to come at you fast and intense.

103

So what is a simple way to deal with future faking and love bombing?

104

To take it slow.

105

Turn off your phone when you're busy so that you don't feel pressured to be texting them 24-7.

106

Have other events planned throughout your week so that you can't just see them all the time.

107

When they make these grand promises,

108

again, just give off this air of indifference.

109

Just internally tell yourself, I guess time will tell if this is true.

110

You know, I'm not going to put a lot of stock in it at this point.

111

Same when they come at you with these words of adulation.

112

Again, air of indifference.

113

Just internally remind yourself, they don't actually know me that well right now for this feeling to be real.

114

You know, they're in love with a fantasy.

115

They're in love with some idyllic image of me, if anything.

116

Let's see if they still feel that way when they actually get to know me.

117

If this is someone who's genuinely passionate about you,

118

they're going to catch on that you don't appreciate the intensity and the speed that they're going at,

119

and they're going to tone it down.

120

If they have nefarious intentions,

121

they're probably just going to move on

122

because they can't get their claws on you fast enough to get you hooked

123

or they might actually lash out and get angry

124

and you know make you feel coerced into going at a faster pace than you feel comfortable in

125

which case that's you know pretty clear indication to get out.

126

Number three don't tell people very personal things about you very early on.

127

Going along with how abusers like for everything to move very quickly one thing

128

that they rely on is quick intimacy

129

that hasn't yet been earned meaning they try to get access to the most vulnerable information about you.

130

In the beginning they push on these general human desires that I was talking about,

131

to feel accepted, to feel wanted,

132

to feel worthy, special, attractive, masculine or feminine.

133

But it's much more effective if they know what specific desires or wounds or values are specific to you.

134

Because once they know that,

135

they can press on those vulnerabilities.

136

So for example, if they know that you're someone who values social justice,

137

they might try to mirror your values

138

and portray themselves as this great ally to groups that are important to you or to groups that you belong to.

139

And in a conflict, like if you tell them you don't appreciate something that they've done,

140

they know that accusing you of being cruel or unfair or what's something a fake ally would say,

141

like colonial or prude or sex negative will be particularly effective at putting you on the defense.

142

And now you're too busy defending against your deepest fear to remember

143

that this was actually a conversation that was initially about their behavior

144

that you brought to their attention and now it's being completely shifted onto you

145

or if they know

146

that you have this wound of feeling like you don't belong

147

in social groups they might try to make you feel very accepted in their family

148

so that breaking up with them would mean giving up

149

that social belonging that you've always deeply craved or

150

if you tell them that your ex cheated on you i've seen this

151

so many times when you tell somebody who is dead said on mistreating you the way

152

that the last person mistreated you they go on and replicate

153

that they say got it that's what i'm gonna do to

154

you again i'm gonna re-traumatize you in exactly the same way

155

but before they do

156

that they might also make you feel insecure by commenting on

157

how hot the waitress is checking out other women comparing you

158

to other women in their lives like saying you know my ex didn't have this issue with me

159

or my female best friend doesn't talk to me this way

160

so that over time you feel insecure you feel like you're constantly being compared to other people,

161

and yeah, listen, this is the type of person you're dealing with,

162

they probably will also cheat on you because they unconsciously believe

163

that you must have deserved the way that other people before them mistreated you.

164

Their allegiance is with the people who mistreated you from your past, not with you.

165

Or if you tell them that your dad had an untreated personality disorder and he was emotionally abusive growing up,

166

in a moment of conflict,

167

they might tell you, you're acting a lot like your dad right now

168

because they know that that will fill you with deep shame and self-doubt.

169

It's your biggest fear.

170

And so of course, anything that you were discussing before

171

that is immediately going to get thrown out the window because you're immediately going to be doubting yourself.

172

So if someone is asking you these very deep personal questions early on in the relationship,

173

one dating rule

174

that can keep you a little safer is to just not share too much about yourself until they've gradually earned it.

175

Your biggest life dreams, your deepest values,

176

your past traumas, your biggest insecurities, your deepest desires.

177

Keep that all to yourself for now.

178

Again, does this mean that you shouldn't reveal anything personal about you?

179

Of course not, but personal information should be doled out gradually across time after it's been earned.

180

In the early stages of dating,

181

you can talk about a family trip that you're going on in a couple weeks,

182

not the fact that you're worried about this family trip because you have this long-standing conflict with your sister.

183

You can tell them what it's like at your place of work or what type of music you love,

184

not your childhood dream of quitting your job to be a singer-songwriter.

185

You can talk about where you grew up and what it was like,

186

not the way that you were bullied in middle school necessarily.

187

Over time, if they prove themselves to be reliable and trustworthy,

188

you can slowly start to open up.

189

But that's not something that can really be proven in a number of weeks or months,

190

because people can fake it for,

191

I want to say like six months, but sometimes even longer.

192

Number four, don't give second chances to big betrayals.

193

In normal relationships, there's probably going to come a time

194

when the other person disappoints you or betrays you in some small way.

195

But like I said, in normal relationships, those betrayals are small.

196

Someone failing to defend you when someone's being rude to you.

197

Someone dropping the ball on your birthday.

198

That's very different from big betrayals,

199

where a person violates the most basic tenets of a healthy relationship.

200

Trust, care, respect, kindness.

201

You know, the ones that I talk about in the connection course.

202

A pattern that I see often with people who end up in abusive relationships is they continuously override their own deal breakers.

203

Because the abuser is giving them all these excuses,

204

and they start to accept that and to even make excuses for the abuser.

205

You have to get very clear on what your deal breakers are.

206

Those betrayals that you're simply not willing to forgive no matter what.

207

Make a list before you start dating and then don't budge on it no matter how much pressure is applied.

208

Like for me, one deal breaker is cheating.

209

If you cheat on me,

210

that is a straight to jail card.

211

Like I just don't care, I'm sorry.

212

Like I'm not interested in a relationship with somebody who is like that.

213

And the thing that you have to remember if you're ever losing touch with your deal breakers is the disgust underneath it.

214

Deal breakers reflect this massive incongruence of values,

215

your values versus their values.

216

When there's such a massive incongruence, there's often disgust.

217

And disgust is virtually impossible to experience at the same time as attraction.

218

They are opposites when you feel disgusted about a piece of food that's fallen on the floor or a person's behavior,

219

you don't want to go anywhere near that.

220

You want to go as far as possible.

221

And so if you are still feeling attracted and maybe in love with somebody who's massively betrayed your trust,

222

you need to get in touch with that underlying disgust.

223

You need to basically force yourself to get the ick for them.

224

Be prepared to do that before you start dating.

225

Be very clear on what those behaviors are that elicit disgust in you.

226

And number five, don't be talked into giving up your personal agency.

227

Some level of interdependence is necessary for any healthy relationship.

228

I depend on you to comfort me when I'm sad,

229

you depend on me to be reliable when I promise to do something,

230

but be very skeptical of relationships that become increasingly lopsided across time,

231

where one person is becoming completely dependent on the other,

232

while the other can get along just fine without them.

233

You know, like I noticed a few common themes among women who end up in financially abusive relationships,

234

oftentimes the suggestion to become a homemaker or a stay-at-home mom or to like quit their job came from their partner,

235

not from them.

236

It's like, oh, I always saw this vision for my family.

237

I always imagined the mother of my children would be watching them during the day.

238

If those women ever expressed an interest in going back to work,

239

it was swiftly overridden by their partner.

240

When they expressed a need for more support around the house because they were feeling overwhelmed,

241

their partner said that it didn't really meet his vision for his kids.

242

He also tends to be very,

243

very controlling around money where every little expense that she makes needs to be justified to him,

244

whereas he doesn't need to report to anyone about his expenses.

245

And when the relationship comes to a head,

246

the breadwinner makes it abundantly clear

247

that he never actually valued the homemaker's unpaid labor all these years

248

because he feels entitled to keeping everything that she helped him build.

249

And if she insists that she deserves any of that,

250

it feels like a theft to him.

251

Like I said, it's normal for you and your partner to be dependent on each other for certain things.

252

That's called a healthy partnership.

253

But the following boundaries can help keep you safer from potential abusers.

254

You do not give up anything,

255

like your job or your social ties,

256

unless it's coming from you.

257

You don't let a partner talk you into,

258

for example, quitting your job because they promised they're going to take care of you financially.

259

If you want to do that,

260

it should be coming from you because it's something that you have always wanted.

261

Also, have equal access to everything required for you to live independently.

262

If your partner drops off the face of the earth tomorrow,

263

you should be able to figure out pretty smoothly how to live independently of them.

264

And number three, you don't report to anyone.

265

If they feel like they're taking care of you in a way that requires them controlling you and approving your every move,

266

that's a massive red flag.

267

Taking care of someone shouldn't come with controlling them.

268

So in conclusion, five dating rules

269

that can keep you a little bit safer from abusers are Don't believe everything a person says.

270

Take it slow.

271

Don't tell people very personal things early on in the relationship up,

272

don't give second chances to big betrayals,

273

and don't be talked into giving up your personal agency.

274

These aren't foolproof, you know,

275

there are always sneaky types of abusers that can still find a work around these,

276

but I think if you follow these five dating rules,

277

you will be at least a little bit safer.

278

Take care.

App downloaden

Alles wat je nodig hebt om vloeiend te spreken

AI UitspraakScoor elke zin

IPA OefeningBeheers elk geluid

WoordenschatBouw je woordenschat op

WoordenspelLeren terwijl je speelt

Scan QR

Download on theApp Store Get it onGoogle Play

Zelfde Kanaal

Why is everyone so lonely right now? My theory...

Daily Conversation

FOR YOU

Aanbevolen Video

185 zinnen

Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les

Deze spreekles op niveau B2 is gebaseerd op de video “The Dating Rules Manipulators Hope You Ignore”. Deze video bevat 278 zinnen en 3095 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 14:00. De spreker praat snel, ongeveer 221 woorden per minuut, dus reken op verbonden en ingeslikte klanken. 87% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden, dus de woordenschat is goed te volgen.

Belangrijke woorden in deze video

De 15 moeilijkste woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:

Woord	Uitspraak	Betekenis
mistreat werkwoord	/mɪsˈtɹiːt/	mishandelen
disgust zelfstandig naamwoord	/dɪsˈɡʌst/	afschuw
cheat werkwoord	/ˈt͡ʃiːt/	valsspelen, bedriegen
flattery zelfstandig naamwoord	/ˈflæt.ɚ.i/	vleierij
indifference zelfstandig naamwoord	/ɪnˈdɪf.ɹəns/	onverschilligheid
boundary zelfstandig naamwoord	/ˈbaʊndɹi/	grens
betray werkwoord	/bɪˈtɹeɪ/	verraden
ridiculously bijwoord	/ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs.li/	belachelijk, bespottelijk
portray werkwoord	/poɹˈtɹeɪ̯/	portretteren
skeptical bijvoeglijk naamwoord	/ˈskɛptɪkəl/	sceptisch
insecure bijvoeglijk naamwoord	/ɪnsəˈkjʊɹ/	onbeveiligd
alley zelfstandig naamwoord	/ˈæl.i/	doorgang, steeg
independently bijwoord	/ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəntli/	onafhankelijk
intend werkwoord	/ɪnˈtɛnd/	van plan zijn
depend werkwoord	/dɪˈpɛnd/	afhangen

Phrasal verbs die je zult horen

Woord	Betekenis
give up werkwoord	zich overgeven
grow up werkwoord	opgroeien
check out werkwoord	onderzoeken
figure out werkwoord	uitvogelen, er achter komen
get along werkwoord	opschieten, overeenkomen
turn off werkwoord	uitzetten, uitschakelen

Zinnen om te herhalen

Korte, volledige zinnen uit de video die je in alledaagse gesprekken kunt gebruiken:

I'm having a very bad hair day.
I've never met anyone like you before.
I've never felt this way about anyone before.
You're the most incredible person I've ever met.
You're the most beautiful woman under the sun.

Grammatica in deze video

De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:

Structuur	In de video
Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet	are set · being roped · are meant
Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding	people who mistreat · people who are · people who would
Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt	I've never met · I've never felt · I've ever met

Uitspraak om op te letten

De spreker gebruikt 92 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals don't, they're, you're. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.

De “th”-klanken: trustworthy /ˈtɹʌst.wɜː.ði/, smoothly /ˈsmuːðli/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, theft /θɛft/, marathon /ˈmæɹəθən/
De klanken “sh” en “zh”: intentions /ɪnˈtɛnʃənz/, adoration /ˌæ.dəˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, adulation /ˌæd͡ʒəˈleɪʃən/, lavish /ˈlævɪʃ/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/
Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: intensity /ɪnˈtɛnsɪti/, ridiculously /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs.li/, internally /ɪnˈtɜːnəli/, independently /ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəntli/, adoration /ˌæ.dəˈɹeɪ.ʃən/

Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:

Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: abusive /əˈbju.sɪv/, intentions /ɪnˈtɛnʃənz/, intend /ɪnˈtɛnd/, depend /dɪˈpɛnd/, lopsided /ˈlɑp.saɪ.dɪd/
/æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: flattery /ˈflæt.ɚ.i/, alley /ˈæl.i/, adoration /ˌæ.dəˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, adulation /ˌæd͡ʒəˈleɪʃən/, lavish /ˈlævɪʃ/
/g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: disgust /dɪsˈɡʌst/, grain /ɡɹeɪn/

Zo oefen je met deze video

Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als mistreat, disgust, cheat.

Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?

Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.

Shadowing-techniek: lees de volledige stap-voor-stap-gids →

Shadowing Practice: The Dating Rules Manipulators Hope You Ignore - Learn English Speaking with Video

Kies een oefenmodus

App downloaden

Why is everyone so lonely right now? My theory...

allow me to de-influence you | relationship edition

5 Things You Should Never Ask ChatGPT | Vantage with Palki Sharma

Why People Don’t Respect You (Do This Instead)

Quiz: How Well Can You Read People? (Self test)

How to actually stop DOOMSCROLLING | end your social media addiction *for good*

How To Stop Wasting Your Energy On People-Pleasing

Every Manipulation Technique & How To Combat It Explained

Game Theory #1: The Dating Game

Why are you single? Do you know the reasons?

The five hard conversations: preventing divorce

Why Some People Never Gossip

23 Life Lessons I Learned the Hard Way (so you don’t have to)