Практика Shadowing: The Dating Rules Manipulators Hope You Ignore - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube
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In an ideal world, we'd be writing books
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In an ideal world, we'd be writing books
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and making videos geared towards people who mistreat others telling them to stop doing that.
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But sadly, we don't live in an ideal world,
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because people who are set on mistreating others are not going to stop no matter how nicely you ask them.
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So this video is for those of you who want to avoid being roped into toxic relationships.
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What can you do to weed out abusers before they get their hooks on you?
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What sorts of dating rules and boundaries would help you to get those people out of your life?
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Because you know, I do think there is something empowering about realizing it's not all in the other person's hands.
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You also have some power to repel certain types of people if you have the right information and resources.
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And please don't mind my hat.
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I'm having a very bad hair day.
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If you ever wonder, anytime I have something on my head,
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it's because I didn't have time to wash my hair.
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Okay, so question for you guys.
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Do you have any dating rules or boundaries that are meant to keep people at bay who will likely mistreat you?
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If so, let me know what those are in the comments,
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and I'll try to read as many of them as I can.
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Number one dating rule that could potentially weed out some people who would mistreat you is don't believe everything a person says.
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If someone is looking to take advantage of you in some way,
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they will probably say whatever is necessary to get into your orbit.
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They will lie about themselves,
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their intentions towards you, really anything under the sun.
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Like I hear there are a lot of people on dating
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apps who lie about politics in order to get into bed with people,
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and people who lie about wanting a relationship when really they just want something casual.
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There are always people who sort of portray themselves as big shots
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because they think it's impressive instead of just being honest about where they are in life.
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And in fact, studies show that there's a massive percentage of people on dating apps in particular who lie about various things.
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So this isn't even necessarily specific to people who are abusers.
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This is something you're very likely to encounter no matter what.
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Very often, the lies involve flattery.
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I've never met anyone like you before.
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I've never felt this way about anyone before.
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You're the most incredible person I've ever met.
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You're the most beautiful woman under the sun.
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Why?
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Because they know to push on your deepest human desires.
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Your desire to be worthy,
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to be attractive, to be special,
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accepted, truly seen for who you are.
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Once a person hears that type of flattery,
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it's very difficult for them to keep their guard down.
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Because then expressing doubt about that person's intentions or honesty would mean shattering the fantasy that that deep desire is finally fulfilled.
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It's why even the strongest,
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most skeptical person can be swept off their feet by the right type of flattery,
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and then the abuser just worms their way in.
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Now, does this mean that you always need to be paranoid that the people you're dating are lying to you?
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Of course not.
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That's not what I'm suggesting.
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But when someone is making very grand statements or promises,
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especially if it's very early on where they don't really know you very well yet,
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take that with a grain of salt.
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It's not about having this attitude of like,
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let me poke holes in everything that a person tells me.
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Just, oh wow, you think I'm the best person you've ever met.
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Okay, sure, yeah, whatever you say.
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It's more this air of like indifference when someone's blowing smoke up your ass.
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Number two, take it slow.
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Abusers rely on intensity and speed in the early stages of dating so that they can rope you in.
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How do they do this?
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It largely comes down to two behaviors,
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future faking and love bombing.
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Future faking goes back to my last point about saying things that they don't mean.
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They make promises about the future that they don't intend to keep,
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especially if their goals are very short-term in your life.
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If they're just looking to,
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you know, take advantage of something and then bounce,
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it doesn't really matter to them if you ever get to that point where you realize that their promises were all fake.
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So future faking is just them making promises that they don't intend to keep about the future.
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Like that they're going to take you on vacation with them,
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they're going to commit to you,
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they're going to marry you,
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they're going to have babies with you,
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financially support you, make you the happiest person in the world.
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The promises they make come fast in their relationship and they're intense.
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Now, love bombing is when they shower you with adoration very early on and again with great intensity.
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Like buying you ridiculously expensive or lavish presents,
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texting you constantly, asking to see you almost every day,
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begging for you to spend ridiculously extended periods of time with them.
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This last one I read about recently in this book,
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but he says he loves me.
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The author was talking about how abusive men will sometimes get women to stay with them for like 24,
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48, 72 hour dates,
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kind of like this marathon of spending time together in the
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early stages of dating to sort of get their hooks in them.
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And when I read this,
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I was just like, oh my God,
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like this makes a lot of sense because I remember when I was in college,
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I saw this a lot.
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You know, I'm thinking of one friend in particular who she would come to me,
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you know, gushing about some guy that she had a crush on and she'd say,
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you know, we just spent like 48 hours together.
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We're so amazing.
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It's tempting in that moment to be like,
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wow, like you guys clearly enjoy spending time together.
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You clearly have a really strong connection,
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but that's kind of a red flag,
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especially when, you know, a couple days later,
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the guy would reveal he didn't give a rat's ass about her.
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If somebody keeps pressuring you into staying with them longer and longer and longer and extending that date,
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it's a red flag.
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It shows that they're really trying to come at you fast and intense.
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So what is a simple way to deal with future faking and love bombing?
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To take it slow.
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Turn off your phone when you're busy so that you don't feel pressured to be texting them 24-7.
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Have other events planned throughout your week so that you can't just see them all the time.
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When they make these grand promises,
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again, just give off this air of indifference.
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Just internally tell yourself, I guess time will tell if this is true.
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You know, I'm not going to put a lot of stock in it at this point.
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Same when they come at you with these words of adulation.
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Again, air of indifference.
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Just internally remind yourself, they don't actually know me that well right now for this feeling to be real.
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You know, they're in love with a fantasy.
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They're in love with some idyllic image of me, if anything.
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Let's see if they still feel that way when they actually get to know me.
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If this is someone who's genuinely passionate about you,
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they're going to catch on that you don't appreciate the intensity and the speed that they're going at,
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and they're going to tone it down.
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If they have nefarious intentions,
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they're probably just going to move on
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because they can't get their claws on you fast enough to get you hooked
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or they might actually lash out and get angry
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and you know make you feel coerced into going at a faster pace than you feel comfortable in
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which case that's you know pretty clear indication to get out.
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Number three don't tell people very personal things about you very early on.
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Going along with how abusers like for everything to move very quickly one thing
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that they rely on is quick intimacy
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that hasn't yet been earned meaning they try to get access to the most vulnerable information about you.
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In the beginning they push on these general human desires that I was talking about,
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to feel accepted, to feel wanted,
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to feel worthy, special, attractive, masculine or feminine.
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But it's much more effective if they know what specific desires or wounds or values are specific to you.
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Because once they know that,
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they can press on those vulnerabilities.
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So for example, if they know that you're someone who values social justice,
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they might try to mirror your values
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and portray themselves as this great ally to groups that are important to you or to groups that you belong to.
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And in a conflict, like if you tell them you don't appreciate something that they've done,
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they know that accusing you of being cruel or unfair or what's something a fake ally would say,
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like colonial or prude or sex negative will be particularly effective at putting you on the defense.
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And now you're too busy defending against your deepest fear to remember
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that this was actually a conversation that was initially about their behavior
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that you brought to their attention and now it's being completely shifted onto you
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or if they know
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that you have this wound of feeling like you don't belong
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in social groups they might try to make you feel very accepted in their family
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so that breaking up with them would mean giving up
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that social belonging that you've always deeply craved or
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if you tell them that your ex cheated on you i've seen this
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so many times when you tell somebody who is dead said on mistreating you the way
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that the last person mistreated you they go on and replicate
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that they say got it that's what i'm gonna do to
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you again i'm gonna re-traumatize you in exactly the same way
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but before they do
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that they might also make you feel insecure by commenting on
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how hot the waitress is checking out other women comparing you
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to other women in their lives like saying you know my ex didn't have this issue with me
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or my female best friend doesn't talk to me this way
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so that over time you feel insecure you feel like you're constantly being compared to other people,
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and yeah, listen, this is the type of person you're dealing with,
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they probably will also cheat on you because they unconsciously believe
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that you must have deserved the way that other people before them mistreated you.
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Their allegiance is with the people who mistreated you from your past, not with you.
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Or if you tell them that your dad had an untreated personality disorder and he was emotionally abusive growing up,
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in a moment of conflict,
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they might tell you, you're acting a lot like your dad right now
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because they know that that will fill you with deep shame and self-doubt.
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It's your biggest fear.
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And so of course, anything that you were discussing before
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that is immediately going to get thrown out the window because you're immediately going to be doubting yourself.
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So if someone is asking you these very deep personal questions early on in the relationship,
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one dating rule
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that can keep you a little safer is to just not share too much about yourself until they've gradually earned it.
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Your biggest life dreams, your deepest values,
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your past traumas, your biggest insecurities, your deepest desires.
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Keep that all to yourself for now.
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Again, does this mean that you shouldn't reveal anything personal about you?
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Of course not, but personal information should be doled out gradually across time after it's been earned.
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In the early stages of dating,
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you can talk about a family trip that you're going on in a couple weeks,
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not the fact that you're worried about this family trip because you have this long-standing conflict with your sister.
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You can tell them what it's like at your place of work or what type of music you love,
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not your childhood dream of quitting your job to be a singer-songwriter.
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You can talk about where you grew up and what it was like,
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not the way that you were bullied in middle school necessarily.
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Over time, if they prove themselves to be reliable and trustworthy,
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you can slowly start to open up.
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But that's not something that can really be proven in a number of weeks or months,
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because people can fake it for,
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I want to say like six months, but sometimes even longer.
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Number four, don't give second chances to big betrayals.
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In normal relationships, there's probably going to come a time
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when the other person disappoints you or betrays you in some small way.
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But like I said, in normal relationships, those betrayals are small.
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Someone failing to defend you when someone's being rude to you.
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Someone dropping the ball on your birthday.
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That's very different from big betrayals,
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where a person violates the most basic tenets of a healthy relationship.
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Trust, care, respect, kindness.
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You know, the ones that I talk about in the connection course.
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A pattern that I see often with people who end up in abusive relationships is they continuously override their own deal breakers.
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Because the abuser is giving them all these excuses,
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and they start to accept that and to even make excuses for the abuser.
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You have to get very clear on what your deal breakers are.
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Those betrayals that you're simply not willing to forgive no matter what.
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Make a list before you start dating and then don't budge on it no matter how much pressure is applied.
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Like for me, one deal breaker is cheating.
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If you cheat on me,
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that is a straight to jail card.
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Like I just don't care, I'm sorry.
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Like I'm not interested in a relationship with somebody who is like that.
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And the thing that you have to remember if you're ever losing touch with your deal breakers is the disgust underneath it.
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Deal breakers reflect this massive incongruence of values,
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your values versus their values.
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When there's such a massive incongruence, there's often disgust.
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And disgust is virtually impossible to experience at the same time as attraction.
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They are opposites when you feel disgusted about a piece of food that's fallen on the floor or a person's behavior,
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you don't want to go anywhere near that.
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You want to go as far as possible.
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And so if you are still feeling attracted and maybe in love with somebody who's massively betrayed your trust,
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you need to get in touch with that underlying disgust.
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You need to basically force yourself to get the ick for them.
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Be prepared to do that before you start dating.
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Be very clear on what those behaviors are that elicit disgust in you.
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And number five, don't be talked into giving up your personal agency.
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Some level of interdependence is necessary for any healthy relationship.
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I depend on you to comfort me when I'm sad,
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you depend on me to be reliable when I promise to do something,
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but be very skeptical of relationships that become increasingly lopsided across time,
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where one person is becoming completely dependent on the other,
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while the other can get along just fine without them.
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You know, like I noticed a few common themes among women who end up in financially abusive relationships,
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oftentimes the suggestion to become a homemaker or a stay-at-home mom or to like quit their job came from their partner,
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not from them.
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It's like, oh, I always saw this vision for my family.
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I always imagined the mother of my children would be watching them during the day.
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If those women ever expressed an interest in going back to work,
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it was swiftly overridden by their partner.
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When they expressed a need for more support around the house because they were feeling overwhelmed,
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their partner said that it didn't really meet his vision for his kids.
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He also tends to be very,
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very controlling around money where every little expense that she makes needs to be justified to him,
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whereas he doesn't need to report to anyone about his expenses.
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And when the relationship comes to a head,
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the breadwinner makes it abundantly clear
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that he never actually valued the homemaker's unpaid labor all these years
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because he feels entitled to keeping everything that she helped him build.
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And if she insists that she deserves any of that,
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it feels like a theft to him.
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Like I said, it's normal for you and your partner to be dependent on each other for certain things.
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That's called a healthy partnership.
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But the following boundaries can help keep you safer from potential abusers.
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You do not give up anything,
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like your job or your social ties,
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unless it's coming from you.
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You don't let a partner talk you into,
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for example, quitting your job because they promised they're going to take care of you financially.
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If you want to do that,
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it should be coming from you because it's something that you have always wanted.
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Also, have equal access to everything required for you to live independently.
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If your partner drops off the face of the earth tomorrow,
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you should be able to figure out pretty smoothly how to live independently of them.
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And number three, you don't report to anyone.
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If they feel like they're taking care of you in a way that requires them controlling you and approving your every move,
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that's a massive red flag.
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Taking care of someone shouldn't come with controlling them.
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So in conclusion, five dating rules
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that can keep you a little bit safer from abusers are Don't believe everything a person says.
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Take it slow.
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Don't tell people very personal things early on in the relationship up,
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don't give second chances to big betrayals,
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and don't be talked into giving up your personal agency.
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These aren't foolproof, you know,
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there are always sneaky types of abusers that can still find a work around these,
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but I think if you follow these five dating rules,
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you will be at least a little bit safer.
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Take care.
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Это видео направлено на тех, кто хочет избежать токсичных отношений и манипуляторов, которые намеренно вредят другим. В идеальном мире, мы бы, возможно, писали книги и создавали видео для таких людей с просьбой изменить свое поведение. Однако реальность такова, что люди, испытывающие желание причинить боль другим, редко останавливаются, даже если их об этом просят. Поэтому важно быть осведомленным о правилах общения и личных границах, которые защищают вас от таких влияний.
Топ-5 фраз для повседневного общения
- «Я никогда не встречал никого, как ты.» – Чаще всего используется как лестный комплимент.
- «Ты удивительный человек!» – Мощная фраза, которая может вызвать доверие.
- «Это не то, что я ожидал(а).» – Может быть использовано для обозначения неправильных ожиданий в общении.
- «Я чувствую, что между нами что-то особенное.» – Используется манипуляторами для установления связи.
- «Давай попробуем это вместе!» – Часто используется для обольщения и привязывания к себе.
Пошаговое руководство по shadowing
Техника shadowing – это отличный способ улучшить свои навыки общения на английском. Вот как вы можете работать с видео на эту тему:
- Слушайте внимательно: Прослушайте видео несколько раз, обращая внимание на интонацию и произношение. Наблюдайте за тем, как автор говорит о своих мыслях и чувствах.
- Повторяйте за спикером: Включайте видео и пытайтесь повторять фразы в то же время, когда они произносятся. Это поможет улучшить вашу произносительную и слуховую адаптацию.
- Записывайте себя: Запишите свои попытки воспроизведения фраз. Послушав их позже, вы сможете выявить свои слабые места и улучшить их.
- Сравнивайте: Сравните свою запись с оригиналом. Обратите внимание на акценты, мелодичность и ритм. Это поможет вам развивать вашу shadow speech.
- Применяйте на практике: Старайтесь использовать выученные фразы в повседневных разговорах на английском. Это поможет вам стать более уверенным в себе во время общения.
Помните, что использование таких методов как shadowspeak позволит вам не только лучше понимать английскую речь, но и наладить более эффективный контакт с окружающими, избегая манипуляторов. Этот процесс требует времени и практики, но результаты будут стоить затраченных усилий.
Что такое техника Shadowing?
Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.
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