शैडोइंग अभ्यास: The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED - YouTube के साथ अंग्रेजी बोलना सीखें
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Alright, quick poll -- raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life that's meaningful to you.
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Alright, quick poll -- raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life that's meaningful to you.
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OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.
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(Laughter) I’m saying this because while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship, please know that everything I'm talking about is applicable to any meaningful relationship.
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So with that in mind, let's jump in.
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So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.
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I just finished cooking dinner for my family, and I am on edge.
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I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.
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I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek, I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.
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And then, my son walks into the kitchen.
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He looks at the table and whines, "Chicken again?" (Laughter) "Disgusting." (Laughter) And that's it. I snap.
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I look at him and I yell, "What is wrong with you?
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Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?" And things get worse from there.
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He screams, "I hate you." He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.
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And now, my self-loathing session begins, as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?
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I've messed up my kid forever." Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.
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For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.
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I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist and my specialty is helping people become better parents.
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(Laughter) And yet, this is true as well -- there is no such thing as a perfect parent.
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Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to do next.
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Do we just move on?
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Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?
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Or if I say something, what are the words?
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Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I saw client after client struggle with this question.
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And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform "Good Inside," I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.
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All parents yell.
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No one knows what to do next.
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Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.
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After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as repair.
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Whenever a parent asks me, "What one parenting strategy should I focus on?" I always say the same thing: "Get good at repair." So what is repair?
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Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.
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Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another.
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And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down -- “Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” -- a good repair opens one up.
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And if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.
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Repair assumes there's been a rupture.
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So to repair, you have to mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations.
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Which means the next time I snap at my kid, or my husband, or my work colleague, instead of berating myself, like I did that night in the kitchen, I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.
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Step one is rupture.
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"Check that off, I crushed it." (Laughter) Step two is repair.
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"I can do this.
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I'm actually right on track." So let's get back to my example.
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I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.
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Well, what will happen if I don't repair?
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That’s really important to understand and helps us make a decision about what to do next.
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Well, here are the facts.
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My son is alone, overwhelmed and in a state of distress, because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.
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And now, he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.
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And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal ...
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self-blame.
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Self-blame sounds like this: “Something’s wrong with me.
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I’m unlovable.
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I make bad things happen.” Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil.
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In other words, it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault, because at least then, they can hold onto the idea that their parents and the world around them is safe and good.
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And while self-blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood.
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“Something’s wrong with me.
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I make bad things happen.
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I’m unlovable.” These are the core fears of so many adults.
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But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired.
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Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness -- none of which we want for our kids.
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And we can do better.
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And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.
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When you repair, you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.
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You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.
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Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.
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It's as if you're saying to a child, "I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
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Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending, and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned." We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've remembered that event.
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This is why therapy's helpful, right?
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When you remember painful experiences from your past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.
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With repair, we effectively change the past.
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So let's write a better story.
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Let's learn how to repair.
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Step one, repair with yourself.
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That's right.
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I mean, you can't offer compassion or groundedness or understanding to someone else before you access those qualities within yourself.
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Self-repair means separating your identity, who you are, from your behavior, what you did.
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For me, it means telling myself two things are true.
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I’m not proud of my latest behavior and my latest behavior doesn't define me.
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Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.
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I can then start to see that I'm a good parent -- identity -- who was having a hard time -- behavior.
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And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.
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This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.
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Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness, I can actually use my energy toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.
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Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.
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Step two -- repair with your child.
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There's no exact formula.
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I often think about three elements: name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time.
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It could come together like this.
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"Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.
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I'm sorry I yelled.
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I'm sure that felt scary.
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And it wasn't your fault.
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I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated." A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.
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I've replaced my child's story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.
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I mean, what a massive upgrade.
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And to give a little more clarity around how to repair, I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair," which are things that come more naturally to most of us -- definitely me included.
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"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened." (Laughter) Been there? Been there? OK.
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Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life, like a home-cooked meal.
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Then, you won't get yelled at." (Laughter) Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction, which simply isn’t true and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.
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(Applause) So let's say we've all resisted the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs, and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.
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What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?
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My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake, and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.
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My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior, because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.
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Repairing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.
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Plus, it gets better -- now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.
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I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior.
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So maybe the next day, I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.
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Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,' I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'" Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment, and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.
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That never would have happened if instead, I had been blaming him for my reaction.
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So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.
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Maybe you're thinking, "You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid." (Laughter) "I think it's too late." Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen." (Laughter) "Maybe it's too late." Well, I mean this -- if you have only one takeaway from this talk, please let this be it: It is not too late.
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It is never too late.
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How do I know?
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Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents, and if neither of your parents are alive, imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.
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OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.
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"Hey, I know this sounds out of the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.
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And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.
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And you are right to feel that way.
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Those moments weren't your fault.
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They were times when I was struggling, and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside, I would have calmed myself down, and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.
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I'm sorry. And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I'll listen.
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I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.
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I love you." I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that exercise.
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I often hear, “Why am I crying?” Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.
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But it might change some things." Well, I definitely do not specialize in math, but here's something I know with certainty.
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If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.
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(Laughter) Always true.
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The story of their life is shorter and even more amenable to editing.
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So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.
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See? I told you, it's never too late.
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Thank you. (Cheers and applause)
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शैडोइंग इंग्लिश ऐप के साथ कभी भी, कहीं भी अंग्रेजी सीखें। आज ही अपने संचार कौशल में सुधार करें!
अपनी सीखने की प्रगति को ट्रैक करें
एआई ग्रेडिंग और त्रुटि सुधार
समृद्ध वीडियो लाइब्रेरी
संदर्भ और पृष्ठभूमि
इस वीडियो में, बेकी कैनेडी ने एक महत्वपूर्ण parenting रणनीति के बारे में चर्चा की है। वह एक मनोवैज्ञानिक हैं और उनकी विशेषज्ञता माता-पिता को बेहतर बनने में मदद करने पर केंद्रित है। कैनेडी ने बताया कि सभी रिश्तों में संबंधों को फिर से बनाना कितना आवश्यक है, खासकर माता-पिता और बच्चों के बीच। उन्होंने एक अनुभव साझा किया जब उन्होंने अपने बेटे पर गुस्सा किया और उसके बाद इसे कैसे ठीक करने की आवश्यकता थी। इस वार्तालाप में "रिपेयर" या नुकसान की भरपाई की प्रक्रिया की बेहद महत्वपूर्णता पर जोर दिया गया है। यह संबंधों में समझ और विश्वास की भावना को मजबूत करने में सहायक है।
दैनिक संचार के लिए शीर्ष 5 वाक्यांश
- “क्या तुम एक चीज के लिए आभारी हो सकते हो?”
- “मैंने इसे ठीक करने का निर्णय लिया है।”
- “मैं तुमसे बात करना चाहता हूँ।”
- “मैं गलत था, मुझे खेद है।”
- “क्या मैं तुम्हें फिर से सुरक्षित महसूस करने में मदद कर सकता हूँ?”
स्टेप-बाय-स्टेप शैडोइंग गाइड
इस वीडियो में दिए गए संदेश को समझने के लिए और इसे अपनी अंग्रेजी बोलने की प्रथा में शामिल करने के लिए, आप निम्नलिखित तकनीक का पालन कर सकते हैं:
- वीडियो देखें: पहले वीडियो को ध्यान से देखें और समझें कि कैनेडी ने कैसे अपने अनुभवों को साझा किया है। इस समय, यूट्यूब से अंग्रेजी सीखें के विचार को ध्यान में रखें।
- मुख्य बिंदुओं की पहचान करें: वीडियो के मुख्य बिंदुओं को नोट करें, जैसे कि "रिपेयर" की प्रक्रिया।
- शैडोइंग तकनीक का उपयोग करें: कैनेडी के बोले गए वाक्यों को सुनें और फिर से बोले। इससे आपकी उच्चारण और शब्दावली में सुधार होगा। यह अंग्रेजी शैडोइंग का एक उत्तम उदाहरण है।
- पुनरावृत्ति करें: आप अपने मित्रों या परिवार के साथ इन वाक्यों का उपयोग करके संवाद करें। यह अंग्रेजी बोलने का अभ्यास करने का एक बेहतरीन तरीका है।
- फीडबैक लें: अपनी बातचीत के बाद, दूसरों से फीडबैक मांगें कि आप ने खुद को कैसा प्रस्तुत किया। इससे आपको अपनी गलतियों को सुधारने का मौका मिलेगा।
इस प्रक्रिया के माध्यम से, आप न केवल अपनी अंग्रेजी बोलने की क्षमता में सुधार करेंगे, बल्कि रिश्तों को मजबूत बनाने की महत्वपूर्ण प्रक्रिया को भी समझेंगे। shadowspeak आपको इस तरह से अभ्यास करने के लिए प्रेरित करेगा कि आप संचार में सर्वश्रेष्ठ बनें।
शैडोइंग तकनीक क्या है?
शैडोइंग (Shadowing) एक विज्ञान-समर्थित भाषा सीखने की तकनीक है जो मूल रूप से पेशेवर दुभाषिया प्रशिक्षण के लिए विकसित की गई थी। विधि सरल लेकिन शक्तिशाली है: आप मूल अंग्रेज़ी ऑडियो सुनते हैं और तुरंत इसे ज़ोर से दोहराते हैं — जैसे वक्ता की छाया 1-2 सेकंड की देरी से। शोध से पता चलता है कि यह उच्चारण सटीकता, स्वर, लय, जुड़ी हुई ध्वनियाँ, सुनने की समझ और बोलने की प्रवाहशीलता में काफ़ी सुधार करता है।
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