쉐도잉 연습: The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED - YouTube로 영어 말하기 배우기
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Alright, quick poll -- raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life that's meaningful to you.
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Alright, quick poll -- raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life that's meaningful to you.
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OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.
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(Laughter) I’m saying this because while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship, please know that everything I'm talking about is applicable to any meaningful relationship.
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So with that in mind, let's jump in.
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So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.
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I just finished cooking dinner for my family, and I am on edge.
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I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.
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I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek, I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.
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And then, my son walks into the kitchen.
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He looks at the table and whines, "Chicken again?" (Laughter) "Disgusting." (Laughter) And that's it. I snap.
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I look at him and I yell, "What is wrong with you?
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Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?" And things get worse from there.
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He screams, "I hate you." He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.
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And now, my self-loathing session begins, as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?
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I've messed up my kid forever." Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.
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For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.
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I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist and my specialty is helping people become better parents.
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(Laughter) And yet, this is true as well -- there is no such thing as a perfect parent.
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Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to do next.
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Do we just move on?
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Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?
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Or if I say something, what are the words?
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Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I saw client after client struggle with this question.
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And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform "Good Inside," I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.
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All parents yell.
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No one knows what to do next.
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Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.
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After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as repair.
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Whenever a parent asks me, "What one parenting strategy should I focus on?" I always say the same thing: "Get good at repair." So what is repair?
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Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.
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Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another.
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And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down -- “Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” -- a good repair opens one up.
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And if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.
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Repair assumes there's been a rupture.
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So to repair, you have to mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations.
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Which means the next time I snap at my kid, or my husband, or my work colleague, instead of berating myself, like I did that night in the kitchen, I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.
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Step one is rupture.
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"Check that off, I crushed it." (Laughter) Step two is repair.
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"I can do this.
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I'm actually right on track." So let's get back to my example.
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I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.
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Well, what will happen if I don't repair?
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That’s really important to understand and helps us make a decision about what to do next.
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Well, here are the facts.
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My son is alone, overwhelmed and in a state of distress, because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.
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And now, he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.
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And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal ...
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self-blame.
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Self-blame sounds like this: “Something’s wrong with me.
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I’m unlovable.
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I make bad things happen.” Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil.
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In other words, it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault, because at least then, they can hold onto the idea that their parents and the world around them is safe and good.
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And while self-blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood.
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“Something’s wrong with me.
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I make bad things happen.
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I’m unlovable.” These are the core fears of so many adults.
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But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired.
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Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness -- none of which we want for our kids.
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And we can do better.
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And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.
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When you repair, you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.
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You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.
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Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.
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It's as if you're saying to a child, "I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
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Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending, and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned." We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've remembered that event.
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This is why therapy's helpful, right?
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When you remember painful experiences from your past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.
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With repair, we effectively change the past.
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So let's write a better story.
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Let's learn how to repair.
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Step one, repair with yourself.
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That's right.
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I mean, you can't offer compassion or groundedness or understanding to someone else before you access those qualities within yourself.
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Self-repair means separating your identity, who you are, from your behavior, what you did.
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For me, it means telling myself two things are true.
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I’m not proud of my latest behavior and my latest behavior doesn't define me.
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Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.
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I can then start to see that I'm a good parent -- identity -- who was having a hard time -- behavior.
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And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.
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This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.
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Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness, I can actually use my energy toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.
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Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.
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Step two -- repair with your child.
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There's no exact formula.
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I often think about three elements: name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time.
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It could come together like this.
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"Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.
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I'm sorry I yelled.
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I'm sure that felt scary.
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And it wasn't your fault.
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I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated." A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.
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I've replaced my child's story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.
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I mean, what a massive upgrade.
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And to give a little more clarity around how to repair, I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair," which are things that come more naturally to most of us -- definitely me included.
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"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened." (Laughter) Been there? Been there? OK.
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Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life, like a home-cooked meal.
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Then, you won't get yelled at." (Laughter) Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction, which simply isn’t true and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.
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(Applause) So let's say we've all resisted the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs, and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.
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What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?
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My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake, and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.
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My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior, because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.
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Repairing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.
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Plus, it gets better -- now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.
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I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior.
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So maybe the next day, I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.
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Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,' I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'" Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment, and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.
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That never would have happened if instead, I had been blaming him for my reaction.
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So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.
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Maybe you're thinking, "You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid." (Laughter) "I think it's too late." Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen." (Laughter) "Maybe it's too late." Well, I mean this -- if you have only one takeaway from this talk, please let this be it: It is not too late.
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It is never too late.
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How do I know?
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Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents, and if neither of your parents are alive, imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.
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OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.
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"Hey, I know this sounds out of the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.
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And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.
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And you are right to feel that way.
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Those moments weren't your fault.
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They were times when I was struggling, and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside, I would have calmed myself down, and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.
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I'm sorry. And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I'll listen.
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I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.
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I love you." I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that exercise.
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I often hear, “Why am I crying?” Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.
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But it might change some things." Well, I definitely do not specialize in math, but here's something I know with certainty.
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If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.
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(Laughter) Always true.
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The story of their life is shorter and even more amenable to editing.
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So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.
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See? I told you, it's never too late.
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Thank you. (Cheers and applause)
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이번 수업에서는 부모와 자녀 간의 관계에서 발생할 수 있는 갈등과 그 해결 방법에 대해 배울 것입니다. 비키 케네디의 이야기에서 보여주는 것처럼, 갈등 해결, 즉 '리페어'의 중요성을 이해하고, 이를 통해 우리의 관계를 어떻게 회복할 수 있는지에 대한 실질적인 접근 방법을 익힐 것입니다. 이 수업은 비단 부모와 자녀뿐만 아니라 모든 의미 있는 관계에도 적용될 수 있는 내용을 포함하고 있습니다.
주요 어휘 및 표현
- repair (리페어) - 갈등이나 상처를 회복하는 행동
- rupture (러프처) - 관계의 단절 또는 갈등 상황
- self-blame (셀프 블레임) - 자기 자신을 탓하는 것
- acknowledge (인지하다) - 어떤 사실을 인정하거나 받아들이는 것
- overwhelmed (압도된) - 감정적으로 압도당한 상태
- impact (영향) - 어떤 사건이나 행동이 미치는 결과
- expectations (기대) - 어떤 일이 일어나기를 바라는 바람
- meaningful relationship (의미 있는 관계) - 중요한 감정적 연결을 가진 관계
연습 팁
이 수업의 핵심 주제와 속도를 유지하면서 영어 발음과 스피킹 능력을 향상시키기 위해 다음의 연습 방법을 권장합니다. shadow speaking 기법을 사용하여 비키 케네디의 발음을 따라 해 보세요. 그녀의 강연은 감정의 깊이가 있으며 자연스러운 억양을 가지고 있습니다. 처음에는 천천히 따라하고, 익숙해지면 점차 속도를 높여 연습하세요. 이때 IELTS 스피킹 테스트에서도 중요한 발음과 억양을 집중적으로 교정할 수 있습니다.
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쉐도잉(Shadowing)은 원래 전문 통역사 훈련을 위해 개발된 언어 학습 기법으로, 다언어 학자인 Dr. Alexander Arguelles에 의해 대중화된 방법입니다. 핵심 원리는 간단하지만 매우 강력합니다: 원어민의 영어를 들으면서 1~2초의 짧은 지연으로 즉시 소리 내어 따라 말하는 것——마치 '그림자(shadow)'처럼 화자를 따라가는 것입니다. 문법 공부나 수동적인 청취와 달리, 쉐도잉은 뇌와 입 근육이 동시에 실시간으로 영어를 처리하고 재현하도록 훈련합니다. 연구에 따르면 이 방법은 발음 정확도, 억양, 리듬, 연음, 청취력, 말하기 유창성을 크게 향상시킵니다. IELTS 스피킹 준비와 자연스러운 영어 소통을 원하는 분들에게 특히 효과적입니다.
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