쉐도잉 연습: Communication Advice I've Changed My Mind About (After Teaching It For 15 Years) - YouTube로 영어 말하기 배우기

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My name's Vin, and I've been teaching communication skills now for the last 15 years to CEOs, Fortune 500 companies, and millions of people from all over the world.

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My name's Vin, and I've been teaching communication skills now for the last 15 years to CEOs, Fortune 500 companies, and millions of people from all over the world.

And in that time, there are things I used to believe deeply about communication that I also taught confidently from the stage.

And I was wrong.

Yeah, I was wrong on those things.

So here are the five big things I got wrong about communication.

And this is what I now believe instead.

And I need to share this with you,

because there's a real chance you believe some of same things that i used to teach and if you keep believing them it actually make you a

worse communicator not a better one number one fake it till you make it i used to teach this idea with a lot of conviction

act as if you're a confident person if you're not a confident person yet just pretend and eventually you'll become confident i said that

for years because on the surface it made sense but the older that i got the more i started to realize that i sent people in the wrong direction Because when you tell yourself you're faking it, then there's this part of you that knows you're faking it.

And if it's something you can feel, then trust me, other people can feel it as well.

When I was in my early 20s, I did a few months of work experience at a large accounting firm.

And I remember walking in every single day thinking, I had to become this version of myself that looked more professional, more polished, and more corporate.

I spoke louder and used larger gestures.

I dressed in a suit and tie.

I was constantly pretending to be that person because again in my mind I was faking it until I was going to make it.

Then I made the same mistake again in a completely different part of my life.

For years I wanted to improve my fashion sense because my wardrobe was very simple.

White t-shirts, black t-shirts, baggy pants, that was it.

Kind of feels like I'm describing one of my co-workers, Peter over there.

Seriously Peter, change it up.

There came a point where I wanted to change things up a bit.

But I brought the same mindset the fake it till you make it one I tried wearing tight blue jeans and then immediately felt ew you're being fake you're being

phony But over time I started to realize that me trying on new different types of clothes It doesn't make me inauthentic it doesn't make me fake it doesn't make

me phony It was just me exploring my fashion sense that was it Just trying it on if I don't like it doesn't mean

have to keep it on I'm just exploring and the clue there is the word explore So instead of continuing with that mindset and thinking to myself, fake it till you make it, I started thinking, you know what?

This is just me exploring the unfamiliar, trying on things I've never tried before.

This not only applied to the way that I explored my fashion sense, it applied to the way I approached my communication skills journey.

As I started to speak louder, because I wanted to be more confident, I didn't feel fake anymore.

And the reason I didn't feel fake is because to me, the mindset shift had been made.

I'm now just exploring the unfamiliar.

I'm just exploring the unfamiliar volumes that I used to never play with.

And as I started to use bigger body language, again, I didn't feel fake.

It was just me exploring the unfamiliar.

And that language pattern makes all the difference because one path feels like you're acting while the other path feels like discovery.

And if you want to begin your own exploration process of your own communication skills, you need to first develop self-awareness.

What are you doing wrong with your voice?

What are you doing wrong with your body language?

What are you doing wrong with the structure of how you speak?

Without self-awareness, you can't improve the way you communicate.

So I've created a three-part program that's going to help you do so.

You can access it for completely free.

Well, I'm going to walk you through exactly how to identify the non-functional communication habits that you exhibit on a daily basis.

And if you want to access this free training, just scan the QR code or click the link in the description below.

Millions of people have been through this and it's dramatically shifted the way they communicate almost immediately.

Okay, now to false belief number two.

communication is a performance.

For a long time I believed that masterful communication was just a performance and that belief came from a very specific part of my life.

Here's where it started.

I used to be a professional magician in my early 20s and during that time I lived by this powerful quote by a magician named John Eugene Robert Houdin and he said a magician is just an actor playing the part of a magician.

When I read that quote I understood that if I wanted to become a better magician, I needed to learn how to perform an act.

So I went and started theatre classes.

I studied performance, vocal pace, gestures, stage presence, how to command a room.

I eventually became a better performer, but here's where I went wrong.

Without realizing it, I took those lessons from the world of theatre and I applied it to real world communication.

I started to perform in every single conversation, every single presentation.

On the surface, I was doing everything right.

The skills were there, the technique was there, but the intent was completely wrong.

I wasn't communicating to connect with people.

I was communicating to impress them.

Again, I learned this from the water theatre because in the water theatre you're performing to impress often and most of the time.

And that's what happens when you get stuck in that performance mode.

Your focus is on how you come across, not how to connect with the person in front of you.

So let me give you something practical you can take away from this.

The next time you walk into a conversation, whether it's in a meeting, a presentation, or a first date, whatever the situation, pay attention to the questions running in the back of your mind.

Because in performance mode, the questions you're asking yourself constantly are, how am I coming across right now?

Am I sounding smart enough?

Am I saying the right thing?

Do they think I'm credible?

Are they impressed with me?

You see the problem with these questions?

they're all about you it's just me me me me me but when you switch to connection mode the questions that you're thinking in the back

of your head they should change what are they actually feeling what are they not saying in our conversation right now what would make them feel like i

actually see them see the difference with these questions they put the focus on the other person and let me be really clear with you two the

first time i made this conscious switch it felt a little bit uncomfortable because when you stop performing you have to get rid of the scripts that you've

been repeating for the longest time you don't know what you want to say next now because you're actually listening to the person and waiting for your turn

to speak and trust me the person that's sitting in front of you they can feel the difference between you trying to be impressive and you trying

to sit there and understand them they might not immediately be able to label it but trust me again they can feel it now to number three this one i'm actually a little bit

embarrassed about to be honest because I spent years teaching people how to speak better and almost no time teaching them how to listen better.

Yeah.

Back in 2016 I ran my first communication skills class in America.

It was actually in a theater in Long Beach, Southern California.

We had a theater with 200 seats and about 35 people showed up and I ran a three-day workshop on voice training, body language, storytelling, presence, all of it and near the end of day three with about about one hour left, there was a woman named Mary.

She raised her hand and she said, hey Vin, there's only one hour left.

When are we gonna learn about active listening?

Are you taking us through listening?

And I replied back to her and I said, Mary, this is a class on public speaking, not public listening.

And I thought people were gonna laugh.

The very next day, Mary sent me an email and she was giving me very strong feedback.

And she told me that I'd missed the larger half of communication in my entire workshop.

And you know what?

Yep, she was right.

I'd spent my whole early 20s learning how to be heard, and I obsessed about it to the point where I didn't realize I was missing the other 50% of communication.

I never made others feel heard.

I never had active listening in my repertoire.

Let me show you an example of what Vin was like before he learned how to listen.

And then I'm gonna show you another example of Vin after he learned how to listen.

Have a look at this before and after.

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Vin, I just started doing archery, and man, it's so difficult.

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Oh my God, I love archery.

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It's so easy.

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I just started doing archery and man, it's so difficult.

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But the thing I love most about it is how present it makes me feel.

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Oh Peter, that sounds so beautiful, man.

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I'm so glad that you found a hobby that helps you relax and unwind.

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Yeah, man, my work is so stressful.

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Working with a boss who's just like a massive tyrant.

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And ever since I started doing archery, My quality of life has improved massively.

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Man, I love talking to you.

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Ah, it's all good, Peter.

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It's my pleasure, man.

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Get back to work.

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Yeah, I think Peter forgets that I'm actually his boss sometimes.

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Before I learned how to listen, every relationship in my life was pretty surface level.

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And I used to wonder, why?

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Why don't I have more depth in my life?

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Why does every conversation feel like small talk?

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And I fricking hated small talk.

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Why does everybody not want to go deeper with me?

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I see them go deeper with other people.

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And then I started to realise that, well, people did wanna go deeper with me.

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They were leaving clues in every single conversation, little openings, little moments where they were inviting me into their lives.

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But I missed all of them every single damn time because I wasn't listening.

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I was just waiting for my bloody turn to talk.

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I need to hammer this point home.

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I'm gonna show you another skit, another example, because it's critical that you get exactly what I mean here.

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Yo, Pete, how was your night last night?

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Yeah, it was okay, I guess.

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Oh, that's good.

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I'm glad to hear that.

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Okay, well work is, no, it works that way.

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Work harder.

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Atta boy.

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Did you notice that?

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Peter's voice gave away that he was feeling a little down.

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And the pause before he said he was okay.

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The word choice saying, okay, I guess.

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These are all clues that if I picked up on it, it could have led to this instead.

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Yo, Peter, how was your night last night?

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Yeah, it's been okay, I guess.

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Uh, doesn't sound okay, man.

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You wanna talk about it?

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Man, my work's been just piling up, been working extra hours, and it's just, I've just been having to take my work home.

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It's just been so overwhelming.

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Oh Pete you silly bugger.

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All we gotta do is take half of your workload over here, take it from this desk, move it over here and give it to old mate Andy.

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He's happy with this aren't you Andy?

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You see we're all happy now.

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All of us a big old happy family all ready to work together.

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You got this Pete.

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There are opportunities for depth in every single conversations that exist all around you, all around me, all around all of us.

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Most of us just don't listen.

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We miss the vocal cues.

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We miss the visual cues.

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As you start to listen more, you'll start to deepen the connection you feel with others and others feel with you.

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What I now believe is that listening is just as important as speaking, if not more important.

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So Mary, thanks for this lesson.

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You've actually made me a better person.

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False belief number four, the introvert and extrovert myth.

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I used to believe that if you're an introvert, it's fine for you to stay small.

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It's fine for you to speak quietly.

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That's just who you are.

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Don't worry about it And I wouldn't push my introverted students as hard and for as long as I used to believe this I was only serving half of my class I remember this conversation I had with my vocal teacher miss Stanley She said Vin I want you to imagine two world-class pianists

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One is an introvert and the other one is an extrovert Does this change how they play their instrument between the extrovert and the introvert?

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Does it change how they play it?

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And what I learned from Miss Stanley was that the instrument does not care about your personality type.

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And with just this one lesson, Miss Stanley rewired the way I think about this entire situation.

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Because your voice and your body language, your ability to connect with another human being, that's your instrument.

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Just like the piano, it doesn't care whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, it only cares whether you're good with the instrument.

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I've worked with thousands of students over the last 15 years, and some of the most magnetic communicators I've ever seen are deeply introverted.

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They're not loud.

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They're not the center of attention all the time But when they need to be when they speak people lean in because they've done the work They've learned how to use their instrument.

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They can switch it on and they can switch it off So to the introverts watching this video Stop using that as a label and as a reason for you

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not to try and for you not to learn how to use your voice and your body language You're not disqualified from being a great communicator

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You just haven't given yourself permission to practice because you've been using this as an excuse and to the extroverts Don't assume that you're sorted

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being comfortable talking is not the same thing as being bloody good at it And here's where this goes even deeper down the rabbit hole take a deep breath We're about to go down and see how deep this rabbit hole actually goes for a long time I thought the way that I communicated just was who I was.

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This is just my voice This is just how I sound this is just me I actually never questioned it until I sat with this idea idea.

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The way you communicate right now, it's not something you were born with.

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It's something that you absorbed from your parents, your siblings, your friends, your teachers, the other kids at school.

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Every single person you were around during your formative years left a mark on the way you speak and the way you listen and the way you carry yourself.

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What you have right now is a collection of habits that you've picked up without even realising it.

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And here's why this is important.

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If it's a habit, it can be changed.

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The version of you that shows up in a conversation right now, that's just one version of you.

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It's not the final version of you.

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But for as long as you keep telling yourself, this is how I am, this is how I'm forever going to be, you're never going to evolve into the future version of you.

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So here's what I want you to take away from this.

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Your personality type is not your ceiling.

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It's just your starting point.

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An introvert who puts in the work will outperform an extrovert who doesn't every single time.

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And the way you communicate today is not permanent.

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It's just the familiar.

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It's just a series of habits, and habits you can change.

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You've already proven to yourself that you can change the way you communicate.

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You speak differently when you're with your best mate as compared to when you speak with your boss.

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You speak differently when you're with your kids as opposed to when you're speaking to a stranger.

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You already have range, you just haven't made it conscious yet.

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So stop asking, am I an introvert or am I an extrovert?

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And allow that to dictate how you communicate and start asking these questions instead.

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Have I actually practiced with my instrument?

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Have I truly started to explore what this instrument is capable of?

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Am I still letting who I was back in the past decide who I get to become in the future?

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Because those are the only questions that matter, not am I an introvert or am I an extrovert?

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Point number five, communication is a science.

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For a long, long time I treated communication like it was a science.

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hydrogen plus hydrogen makes water.

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Every single time, no exceptions.

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Fixed inputs, fixed outputs, it's science, Vin.

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That's how I thought about communication skills.

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Louder voice, bigger gestures, strong eye contact equals influence.

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Every single time.

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Then I tried it in the real world, and this is really weird, but it worked in some rooms and in others it made me come across as intimidating.

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Over the top and a little bit too much.

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It was the same inputs, but I had different outputs.

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I remember thinking to myself, what the frick?

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This is weird.

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I had the same experience with humour.

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I'd tell a story that was light, warm, funny, and in one room it hits perfectly.

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And then in another room, the exact same story, the exact same delivery, it offended somebody.

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Same words, completely different impact.

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That's when I realised that communication isn't a science, it's an art form.

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Science will give you fixed rules.

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Art gives you principles.

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Art requires you to read the context, feel the room and then adjust in real time.

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You can't just run the formula, you have to develop judgement.

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And this one belief changed the way that I teach.

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Because once I stopped treating communication like a science, I stopped obsessing over the perfect formula and started paying attention to something that's much more important.

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Emotional intelligence.

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And in about 82 seconds, I'm going to give you a practical way to learn and apply EQ.

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intelligence.

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Emotional intelligence is not just a formula.

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You can't just memorise the right amount of eye contact, pair it with the right number of gestures and the right vocal tone and expect that combination to work in the same way in every single room, with every single person, in every single situation.

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Life doesn't work like that.

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And human beings definitely don't work like that.

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What works beautifully for one person can feel way too intense for another.

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What feels playful and warm to one can come across as disrespectful to a different person in a different room.

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What feels supportive to another person can feel patronising to someone else, even though you've said the exact same things with the words, with the exact same delivery.

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And that's exactly why communication is an art form.

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Because art requires that sensitivity, and an artist doesn't just slap on paint all over a canvas and hopes for the best, they're constantly paying attention, constantly adjusting, constantly responding to what's in front of them.

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And that's what emotional intelligent communication looks like in practice.

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It's the ability to read what's happening in real time and then adjust how you show up based on what the moment needs from you.

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It's knowing when to bring the energy, when to bring the softness.

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It's knowing when to bring a joke that's going to help break the tension versus when the same joke is going to make things worse.

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It's knowing when to speak up and when the most powerful thing you can do is just hold space and listen.

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Okay, so here's a practical tip.

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If you want to get better at emotional intelligence, stop walking into conversations trying to be the most impressive person in the room, referring back to the rule before, and start walking into the room with a different question.

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What's this particular moment?

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What's this moment asking of me?

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Not what worked in the last room that I was in, or what's the best line for me to use here, but really think about what does this specific person in front of me, what do they need right now?

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Do they need encouragement?

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Do they need certainty?

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Do they need me to slow down?

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Do they need me to listen more?

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Or do they need me to share some advice?

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Because emotional intelligence is really just the ability to notice what's happening in the room in front of you.

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What has changed in this moment?

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How do I change with it?

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That is real time feedback.

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Then the more you tune into it, the better your judgement becomes over time.

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So yes, learn the skills, learn the frameworks, learn all of the mechanics.

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Everything you're learning matters.

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But never forget the mechanics, that's not the art form.

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The art is in how well you can feel what the moment requires from you and respond to it in real time.

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That is communication and that is emotional intelligence paired with masterful communication.

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Those are the five things I got wrong early in my communication skills journey.

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And what I believe now has completely changed the way I show up as a person and as a teacher in this space.

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So make sure you leave a like and subscribe because this helps the YouTube algorithm.

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our videos to more people like yourself.

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And if you want to go deeper and explore your communication skills and develop more self-awareness, make sure you go and check out my free three-part video series in the description, or you can scan the QR code up there.

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I'll see you in the next video.

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