쉐도잉 연습: “You Attract People Based on Psychological Wounds!” | Dr. Tara Swart - YouTube로 영어 말하기 배우기
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You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you.
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You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you.
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Oh, man.
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You also leave people where if you evolve out of that and they haven't been able to.
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Wow.
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Which I think goes back to one of the pieces of content I heard you talk about,
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which is like the sense of smell connecting to someone's stress levels or anxiety levels.
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Like, you'll kind of attract a similar nervous system or I guess a certain similar like,
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I don't know, stress level?
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Yeah, it's not smell.
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It's sensing, not through smell,
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the level of the stress hormone, yeah.
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Interesting.
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But that's short-term, right?
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But the inner child and shadow stuff is longer-term.
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Gosh, that's fascinating.
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Yeah.
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So you think we attract people based on our psychological wounds?
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100%.
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Wow.
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And as we start to heal and grow,
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if the other person's not healing and growing,
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we kind of pull away.
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Mm-hmm.
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Wow.
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That's interesting.
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Oh, I can see the cogs moving in your brain.
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I just think it's fascinating.
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Yeah.
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Speaking, I guess, about relationships and men and women,
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with all of your expertise on the brain,
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is the process of manifesting love and falling in love different from men versus women?
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I think if it's love you're really looking for, then it's not different.
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Not lust.
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Yeah, exactly.
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The issue is what you're actually looking for.
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So you think men and women manifest love the same way, similar ways?
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Yeah, I think if you want that sense of partnership and friendship and intimacy,
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and you want to be loyal and you want it to be for the long term,
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then it doesn't matter what gender you are.
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But if the disconnect is often,
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and this is a bit of a stereotype,
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but usually it's more that men,
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sorry, that women want a loving,
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stable relationship and men perhaps don't want that as much.
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Want sex or whatever, yeah.
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Or just don't want it right now,
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but go through periods where that's what they want and go through periods where that's not what they want,
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which I guess could be true of any gender as well.
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But overall, more likely women will want to be in a monogamous relationship.
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Why is that based on kind of the brain science?
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So it comes from evolution.
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So when we lived in the cave,
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women did need men to protect them from predators and to hunt for food.
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So women can...
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Especially if they're pregnant too,
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and they weren't able to go out and hunt or gather or whatever it might be.
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I mean, they generally didn't hunt as much, so they gathered more.
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But then it's hard to get protein from what you gather rather than what you hunt.
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So for survival...
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And, you know, they use the fat and the skins and everything.
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So it wasn't just food, it was shelter and...
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Yes.
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...fire and, you know, all of that kind of stuff.
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So, although we don't necessarily need a man for those physical things now,
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it's a very strong survival wiring in the brain.
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And so what we have,
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you know, in the cave, we lived nomadically.
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So often the men would go and hunt and be away for a very long time.
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Or if they went far enough and they found a cave of the same tribe,
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they would just stay there and not go back.
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Why risk your life to travel back for, you know, six weeks?
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Right.
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But over time, a lot of societies in the modern world have asked people to live in unit families.
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And so we have seen men's brains be rewired.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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Quite recent, relatively recently, like maybe in the last ten years,
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researchers showed that when you become a dad for the first time,
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oxytocin rewires your brain so that you're more into bonding and less into the testosterone competitive stuff.
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Because if you think about it,
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lions and tigers, they'll eat their own children.
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You have to tame that in some ways, right?
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But how do you tame it,
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but also harness it in other ways?
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You know what I mean?
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It's like a dance of having drive and testosterone.
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I never want to lose that drive, right?
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I get this question all the time.
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But I also want to be a great loving parent
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and partner and all these things and not let testosterone drive me and doing damaging things.
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Yeah.
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You know, so.
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Well, so from about the age of 35,
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your testosterone will have started dropping significantly already.
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Not mine.
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Let's go.
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One's testosterone tends to drop from that age.
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So when you do become a dad.
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It drops after you become a dad.
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For the first time.
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Oxytocin goes up, testosterone drops you become much more about,
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like, cuddling and bonding and wanting to stay in the home and look after the...
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Interesting.
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...mom and the baby.
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Less about, like, lifting and, like, hunting, right?
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Yeah.
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Interesting.
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If you keep lifting, then you would actually,
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like, keep your testosterone levels higher.
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Also, if the baby sleeps in the same room as you,
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then your testosterone levels drop even more.
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Come on.
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So, you might want to move out for three months to a different bedroom.
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Yeah.
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I've already told her, I'm getting my sleep,
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you know, the first few months.
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So, your testosterone drops?
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If you sleep in the same room as the baby.
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Why is that?
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Because you're, because the oxytocin's becoming like,
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you know, higher and higher,
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because you've got this cute little warm thing that smells so nice,
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and it's so like, vulnerable and dependent on you,
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and it's like, in the room with you,
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the whole eight hours, you know, of just oxytocin boost.
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But are women attracted to men with less testosterone?
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Um, they are when they're not fertile,
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but they are not when they are at peak fertility.
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Really?
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So mid-cycle, when you're ovulating,
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you're gonna want a bad boy,
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and the rest of the time,
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you're gonna want a nice man that will stay at home and help you look after the baby.
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So, if you're not a bad boy when you're at peak fertility as a woman,
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is that gonna hurt the relationship if you don't give women what they want?
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Hang on, say that again.
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What?
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So, if a man is not a...
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Not a bad boy.
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Not a bad boy when a woman is at peak fertility,
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and the man just wants to cuddle and chill
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and not be driven by testosterone and give the woman that testosterone feeling Yeah.
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Will that ultimately hurt the relationship long-term if the woman doesn't get what she wants sexually?
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I mean, I think if she's chosen him by then,
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so this is more about when you're,
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like, in the choosing phase.
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Uh-huh.
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Once you've settled down with someone,
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then you have, like, a logical conversation about,
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are we trying for a baby or not, right?
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But logic and emotion are two different things.
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No, I mean, this is...
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In relationships, you know?
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You might logically say, okay,
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I'm safe, but emotionally you want something else.
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This is a reason that people cheat.
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Right, because they're not getting what they want sexually.
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Yeah.
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And so it's like, how do you suppress the thing you want sexually to be like,
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oh, but he's such a good guy or he's this,
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but if he's not giving me what I want,
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then I'm going to go find it from this other younger testosterone-driven man, right?
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You're getting really jealous here.
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I'm not getting jealous.
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This fantasy younger high testosterone man.
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Well, I'm just thinking, is this what women deal with?
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I know.
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Is this what women deal with?
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Yeah, to some, you know,
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more consciously or less consciously, depending on the woman.
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Yeah, yeah.
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It's interesting, right?
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So let me kind of explain the physiology behind it from the research that we know the best,
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which is in prairie voles.
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So there are two types of voles in America, marsh or mountain voles.
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Voles?
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What's a vole?
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Vole.
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It's a little rat-like creature.
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Prairie dogs?
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No. Not prairie dogs.
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It's a vole.
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It's more like a mouse or a rat.
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Okay, cool.
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The ones that live in the marsh or the mountain,
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they have plenty of food and plenty of shelter, and they're super promiscuous.
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The ones that moved to the prairie,
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where there's like scarce food and shelter,
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they snuggle in and settle down and become monogamous for life.
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The same rat, the same mouse,
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but just living in different areas.
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Yeah.
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Come on.
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So wait, you're telling me rats are monogamous?
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These voles.
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These voles are monogamous.
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The voles are monogamous.
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If they live in the prairie.
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If they live in the prairie,
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but not if they live in the mar.
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But if they have all the food and abundance, they're just...
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And lots of female voles that they can go and visit.
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They're just little polyamorous voles.
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Yeah, because they know that if they get one vole pregnant and she's left on her own to look after her young,
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they're going to survive because they're well sheltered.
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There's plenty of food for her to nip out and bring it back to the babies.
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Yeah.
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But in the prairie, if he was promiscuous,
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then the chances of his offspring dying are quite high because she can't defend the nest herself.
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She can't find enough food for herself and them without help.
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And so let's extrapolate this.
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How does this help humans?
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Right.
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Okay.
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Well, first off, which mice are happier?
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The ones that are more promiscuous or the ones
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that couple i think it depends on the on the bowl
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so you think the female mice are happy
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if they just you know are pregnant
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but then their partner just leaves they're not happy no how do we know can we test
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that okay so how do we apply this to our lives there is an answer to
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that okay we test it through um levels of oxytocin
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and vasopressin come on have we done this have people done this Yes!
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No way.
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From these mice?
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Yeah.
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Wow, that's crazy.
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And actually, just to be serious,
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the research has done more to help with loneliness,
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grief, and heartbreak, but obviously it's got implications for dating.
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Wow.
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So, because one of the things that we saw with the receptors in the brain is that,
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like, if I'm in...
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No, it's got to be the other way around.
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If you're in love with me,
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you've got more vasopressin receptors in your nucleus accumbens,
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which is on the reward circuitry.
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And then every time you see me, you get a reward.
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And the longer that we've been dating and stay together and become closer,
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that reward becomes more intense every time you see me.
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However, if we then had a prolonged separation,
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time can downregulate the effect of those receptors.
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So obviously there are implications for that in a breakup or grief, right?
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Right.
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Um, and, but one of the things I think is like,
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so, so important for dating is that if a woman,
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if a couple are getting to know each other,
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and this is all on like heterosexual couples research,
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then as a woman is sexually interested and liking the guy and enjoying the dating,
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her oxytocin levels is like slowly,
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slowly starting to go up.
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When they start actually having sex she's going to be releasing higher levels of oxytocin every time she orgasms
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and that's going to make her bond to the guy much more if you have sex on the first date
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the guy's vasopressin levels will plummet straight away
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and all he'll be interested in is testosterone if you make him wait his vasopressin and oxytocin levels go up
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and then when you do actually have sex he's already bonded so it's more likely to become of a loving relationship.
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Wow.
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- "You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you." – 이 문장은 '같은 수준의 심리적 상처를 가진 사람들을 만난다'는 의미로, 비교급 구조와 함께 'as ... as' 구문이 잘 활용되고 있습니다.
- "If the other person's not healing and growing, we kind of pull away." – 이 문장은 조건절을 사용하여 상대방의 변화에 따라 우리의 행동이 어떻게 달라지는지를 나타냅니다. ‘pull away’라는 표현은 누군가와의 거리를 두는 것을 의미합니다.
- "It doesn't matter what gender you are." – 성별이 중요하지 않음을 강조하는 이 표현은 상대방의 성별에 관계 없이 사랑의 본질을 이야기합니다.
- "The issue is what you're actually looking for." – 이 문장은 '실제로 원하는 것이 무엇인지가 문제'라는 의미로, 주어와 동사가 명확하게 연결된 구조입니다. 이 표현을 통해 상대방의 의도를 질문하는 방법을 배울 수 있습니다.
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