Практика Shadowing: “You Attract People Based on Psychological Wounds!” | Dr. Tara Swart - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube

You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you.

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You meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you.

Oh, man.

You also leave people where if you evolve out of that and they haven't been able to.

Wow.

Which I think goes back to one of the pieces of content I heard you talk about,

which is like the sense of smell connecting to someone's stress levels or anxiety levels.

Like, you'll kind of attract a similar nervous system or I guess a certain similar like,

I don't know, stress level?

Yeah, it's not smell.

It's sensing, not through smell,

the level of the stress hormone, yeah.

Interesting.

But that's short-term, right?

But the inner child and shadow stuff is longer-term.

Gosh, that's fascinating.

Yeah.

So you think we attract people based on our psychological wounds?

100%.

Wow.

And as we start to heal and grow,

if the other person's not healing and growing,

we kind of pull away.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

That's interesting.

Oh, I can see the cogs moving in your brain.

I just think it's fascinating.

Yeah.

Speaking, I guess, about relationships and men and women,

with all of your expertise on the brain,

is the process of manifesting love and falling in love different from men versus women?

I think if it's love you're really looking for, then it's not different.

Not lust.

Yeah, exactly.

The issue is what you're actually looking for.

So you think men and women manifest love the same way, similar ways?

Yeah, I think if you want that sense of partnership and friendship and intimacy,

and you want to be loyal and you want it to be for the long term,

then it doesn't matter what gender you are.

But if the disconnect is often,

and this is a bit of a stereotype,

but usually it's more that men,

sorry, that women want a loving,

stable relationship and men perhaps don't want that as much.

Want sex or whatever, yeah.

Or just don't want it right now,

but go through periods where that's what they want and go through periods where that's not what they want,

which I guess could be true of any gender as well.

But overall, more likely women will want to be in a monogamous relationship.

Why is that based on kind of the brain science?

So it comes from evolution.

So when we lived in the cave,

women did need men to protect them from predators and to hunt for food.

So women can...

Especially if they're pregnant too,

and they weren't able to go out and hunt or gather or whatever it might be.

I mean, they generally didn't hunt as much, so they gathered more.

But then it's hard to get protein from what you gather rather than what you hunt.

So for survival...

And, you know, they use the fat and the skins and everything.

So it wasn't just food, it was shelter and...

Yes.

...fire and, you know, all of that kind of stuff.

So, although we don't necessarily need a man for those physical things now,

it's a very strong survival wiring in the brain.

And so what we have,

you know, in the cave, we lived nomadically.

So often the men would go and hunt and be away for a very long time.

Or if they went far enough and they found a cave of the same tribe,

they would just stay there and not go back.

Why risk your life to travel back for, you know, six weeks?

Right.

But over time, a lot of societies in the modern world have asked people to live in unit families.

And so we have seen men's brains be rewired.

Really?

Yeah.

Quite recent, relatively recently, like maybe in the last ten years,

researchers showed that when you become a dad for the first time,

oxytocin rewires your brain so that you're more into bonding and less into the testosterone competitive stuff.

Because if you think about it,

lions and tigers, they'll eat their own children.

You have to tame that in some ways, right?

But how do you tame it,

but also harness it in other ways?

You know what I mean?

It's like a dance of having drive and testosterone.

I never want to lose that drive, right?

I get this question all the time.

But I also want to be a great loving parent

and partner and all these things and not let testosterone drive me and doing damaging things.

Yeah.

You know, so.

Well, so from about the age of 35,

your testosterone will have started dropping significantly already.

Not mine.

Let's go.

One's testosterone tends to drop from that age.

So when you do become a dad.

It drops after you become a dad.

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For the first time.

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Oxytocin goes up, testosterone drops you become much more about,

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like, cuddling and bonding and wanting to stay in the home and look after the...

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Interesting.

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...mom and the baby.

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Less about, like, lifting and, like, hunting, right?

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Yeah.

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Interesting.

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If you keep lifting, then you would actually,

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like, keep your testosterone levels higher.

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Also, if the baby sleeps in the same room as you,

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then your testosterone levels drop even more.

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Come on.

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So, you might want to move out for three months to a different bedroom.

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Yeah.

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I've already told her, I'm getting my sleep,

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you know, the first few months.

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So, your testosterone drops?

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If you sleep in the same room as the baby.

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Why is that?

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Because you're, because the oxytocin's becoming like,

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you know, higher and higher,

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because you've got this cute little warm thing that smells so nice,

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and it's so like, vulnerable and dependent on you,

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and it's like, in the room with you,

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the whole eight hours, you know, of just oxytocin boost.

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But are women attracted to men with less testosterone?

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Um, they are when they're not fertile,

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but they are not when they are at peak fertility.

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Really?

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So mid-cycle, when you're ovulating,

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you're gonna want a bad boy,

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and the rest of the time,

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you're gonna want a nice man that will stay at home and help you look after the baby.

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So, if you're not a bad boy when you're at peak fertility as a woman,

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is that gonna hurt the relationship if you don't give women what they want?

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Hang on, say that again.

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What?

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So, if a man is not a...

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Not a bad boy.

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Not a bad boy when a woman is at peak fertility,

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and the man just wants to cuddle and chill

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and not be driven by testosterone and give the woman that testosterone feeling Yeah.

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Will that ultimately hurt the relationship long-term if the woman doesn't get what she wants sexually?

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I mean, I think if she's chosen him by then,

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so this is more about when you're,

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like, in the choosing phase.

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Uh-huh.

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Once you've settled down with someone,

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then you have, like, a logical conversation about,

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are we trying for a baby or not, right?

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But logic and emotion are two different things.

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No, I mean, this is...

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In relationships, you know?

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You might logically say, okay,

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I'm safe, but emotionally you want something else.

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This is a reason that people cheat.

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Right, because they're not getting what they want sexually.

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Yeah.

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And so it's like, how do you suppress the thing you want sexually to be like,

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oh, but he's such a good guy or he's this,

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but if he's not giving me what I want,

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then I'm going to go find it from this other younger testosterone-driven man, right?

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You're getting really jealous here.

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I'm not getting jealous.

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This fantasy younger high testosterone man.

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Well, I'm just thinking, is this what women deal with?

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I know.

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Is this what women deal with?

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Yeah, to some, you know,

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more consciously or less consciously, depending on the woman.

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Yeah, yeah.

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It's interesting, right?

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So let me kind of explain the physiology behind it from the research that we know the best,

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which is in prairie voles.

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So there are two types of voles in America, marsh or mountain voles.

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Voles?

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What's a vole?

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Vole.

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It's a little rat-like creature.

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Prairie dogs?

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No. Not prairie dogs.

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It's a vole.

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It's more like a mouse or a rat.

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Okay, cool.

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The ones that live in the marsh or the mountain,

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they have plenty of food and plenty of shelter, and they're super promiscuous.

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The ones that moved to the prairie,

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where there's like scarce food and shelter,

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they snuggle in and settle down and become monogamous for life.

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The same rat, the same mouse,

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but just living in different areas.

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Yeah.

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Come on.

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So wait, you're telling me rats are monogamous?

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These voles.

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These voles are monogamous.

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The voles are monogamous.

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If they live in the prairie.

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If they live in the prairie,

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but not if they live in the mar.

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But if they have all the food and abundance, they're just...

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And lots of female voles that they can go and visit.

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They're just little polyamorous voles.

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Yeah, because they know that if they get one vole pregnant and she's left on her own to look after her young,

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they're going to survive because they're well sheltered.

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There's plenty of food for her to nip out and bring it back to the babies.

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Yeah.

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But in the prairie, if he was promiscuous,

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then the chances of his offspring dying are quite high because she can't defend the nest herself.

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She can't find enough food for herself and them without help.

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And so let's extrapolate this.

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How does this help humans?

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Right.

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Okay.

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Well, first off, which mice are happier?

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The ones that are more promiscuous or the ones

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that couple i think it depends on the on the bowl

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so you think the female mice are happy

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if they just you know are pregnant

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but then their partner just leaves they're not happy no how do we know can we test

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that okay so how do we apply this to our lives there is an answer to

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that okay we test it through um levels of oxytocin

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and vasopressin come on have we done this have people done this Yes!

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No way.

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From these mice?

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Yeah.

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Wow, that's crazy.

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And actually, just to be serious,

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the research has done more to help with loneliness,

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grief, and heartbreak, but obviously it's got implications for dating.

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Wow.

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So, because one of the things that we saw with the receptors in the brain is that,

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like, if I'm in...

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No, it's got to be the other way around.

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If you're in love with me,

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you've got more vasopressin receptors in your nucleus accumbens,

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which is on the reward circuitry.

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And then every time you see me, you get a reward.

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And the longer that we've been dating and stay together and become closer,

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that reward becomes more intense every time you see me.

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However, if we then had a prolonged separation,

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time can downregulate the effect of those receptors.

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So obviously there are implications for that in a breakup or grief, right?

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Right.

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Um, and, but one of the things I think is like,

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so, so important for dating is that if a woman,

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if a couple are getting to know each other,

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and this is all on like heterosexual couples research,

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then as a woman is sexually interested and liking the guy and enjoying the dating,

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her oxytocin levels is like slowly,

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slowly starting to go up.

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When they start actually having sex she's going to be releasing higher levels of oxytocin every time she orgasms

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and that's going to make her bond to the guy much more if you have sex on the first date

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the guy's vasopressin levels will plummet straight away

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and all he'll be interested in is testosterone if you make him wait his vasopressin and oxytocin levels go up

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and then when you do actually have sex he's already bonded so it's more likely to become of a loving relationship.

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Wow.

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