Shadowing Practice: Narcissists' Enabler Parent: Why They Didn't Protect You - Learn English Speaking with Video

Kies een oefenmodus

Elke modus opent een volledig scherm oefenruimte.

225 zinnen

Als zinnen te kort of te lang zijn, klik op Bewerken om ze aan te passen.

Hey hi everyone my name is Jerry Wise

and the topic today is the narcissist's spouse parent meaning the spouse who is the other parent

and why didn't they protect me we also could call them

the enabling parent much like in an alcoholic home you have the alcoholic and then you have what we call the codependent,

the enabling parent who enable the alcoholic.

Narcissists have enablers too.

They bring enablers around to them.

Flying monkeys are enablers for narcissists.

That's my topic today and what I've done for years is to try to help those who grew up in dysfunctional families, narcissistic families,

broken families and get

that dysfunction out of them what is an enabling parent in

a family with a narcissist as a parent a parent who is not the narcissist

but enables the narcissist now sometimes you have two narcissistic parents

and one's more of an enabler one's more of a malignant or more negative narcissist

the narcissist enabling spouse simply are those parents who have made

it easy for the narcissist to continue their destructive parenting

and habits now that you're adults i try to shift people it's not

so much about what they did or what they didn't do

but what is left over in you that's what's really important

for us as recovering healing adult children of narcissists it's not

that I don't care about the trauma or the pain

or the hurt or the damage or abuse

or neglect all those are important and it's important

that we acknowledge them it's important that we don't

and no longer stay in our denial about them

but what do we do now with the way they were

and the way they treated us narcissists enabling spouses number one do not know self -care self -respect self -confidence

or self -regulation they don't know those things they weren't programmed in

that way and if you have two narcissistic parents then this is a little different

but i think both probably it would apply to both as well

but again they don't know those self skills

and that's why they're more likely to be enablers they could

have been abusive in many ways from neglect to physical abuse these enabling parents we all had unique family dynamics

and and will talk about the common roles

or typical families with a narcissistic parent so

if your experience was not exactly that

that way that's fine as we all say in recovery programs take what you can use

and leave the rest so we experienced pain hurt

and even terror at times what else did we learn or internalize

or took into adulthood i have a lot of people who

can talk about their trauma what happened how horrible it was then and that they're still suffering from that

but they don't know how it works in them they know what happened they never have pain

which is important

but how does it work in you how does it work in relationship ships how does it work

and how you relate to you

and i think that's some uh focus that's a focus that could really be helpful in recovery and finding freedom.

So you might ask yourself in what ways have you internalized your parents?

I realize you might be an enabling parent now.

You may mirror the enabling parent.

You may tend to mirror the traits of the narcissist.

There could be some mirroring going on that's very close or parallel.

What I also like to look at is the deeper dynamics.

How are those dynamics at work in me and how I look at relationships,

how I do relationships, how I am reactive, how I'm not reactive.

I like to look at those things because they actually go deeper and maybe are a finer tuning to our recovery.

Second of all, enablers are in denial about how they didn't or don't protect others.

I've had many, many, many people, friends, clients, everybody, so many have come to to me and said, even my parent now who's 85 years old,

I can say, Mom, don't you realize how awful Dad was as a narcissist?

I just didn't feel very protected by you.

What will they respond?

Well, there was nothing more I could do.

Or it didn't happen.

That isn't true.

Your memory is faulty.

We had a great family and you had clothes and food

and you were sent to school and you had a new car

when you were 16 they'll begin to talk about things like

that and completely ignore what you're talking about and how toxic

and damaging the narcissist parent was to the whole family

and to you

and they'll still ignore it even these many decades later they chose the narcissistic parent over the children

and over themselves they stand by when the narcissist tells lies is cruel is abusive

then they may come to pick up the pieces

that have been shattered oh honey it's better to forgive your

father you know how he is let's get some ice cream you know there's nothing I or you can do.

So let's just try to be happy or let's go on with our day.

We are always powerless and these are some of the silent messages that are sent.

There's nothing you or I can do.

Remember we are always powerless.

Don't fight back because it will only make it worse.

Yes your dad is wrong and this can be a message that can be a silent message.

Yes your dad is wrong but he loves you I may have been wrong

and not protecting you but you know I love you

and I wish this hadn't happened okay and again I would say that comes out of a certain emotional location

that your enabling parent was in and was in as a child

and was and it was a bequeath to them by their family

and they can talk like that from that position but

if you're in a different position maybe you're in recovery you're

just shaking your head going what is this all about what

is this nonsense all about this doesn't even make sense

and there's not even an acknowledgement of what really happened the narcissistic parent delivers trauma directly oftentimes the enabling spouse

or parent delivers it through passive means neglect standing back

and watching helping after the rage or after the abuse

and they may have even learned to dissociate detach from

that momentary reality in other words they see it happening

but they're just not even there they just and then I think

so often that is that does happen they've been traumatized they see this trauma with their children

and they can just watch it

and just not even be present uh consciously you know emotionally uh

100

because if you and i were to have

101

that happen with our children we would be horrified the enabling parent just shuts down just doesn't see it uh

102

and and just goes on with life as though it never happened

103

and that's how they cope the difficulties

104

that they have children who are dependent on them that's the problem

105

and that's where we were this neglect from the non -narcissistic parent often gets internalized into us

106

so not only did all this mess

107

that was happening with the narcissist affect us the patterns thinking

108

emotional dynamics often gets internalized in us we could end up being an enabling parent maybe not to a narcissist

109

but maybe an alcoholic

110

and alcoholism by the way as all addiction is are narcissistic

111

addictions I mean they have you become narcissistic not in a personality disorder

112

but in the syndrome of

113

and the disease of alcoholism drug addiction any addiction has a narcissistic side to it

114

and so if this is what let's say mom was doing dad was a narcissist mom's the enabling

115

and I've had many people have it be reversed mom was the malignant narcissist

116

and dad was just the quiet sit in his chair not do anything about what was going on

117

so we take in from this experience with the enabling parent what's going on they're neglecting themselves,

118

they're neglecting their children and guess what I end up internalizing?

119

I then end up neglecting me.

120

That's the trait I pick up from them.

121

Or I can stand and watch me be abused, misused, shamed and then try to come in after the fact and try to make it better for myself.

122

Or I might tell myself well it's no use i have no power that's again part of

123

that enabling parents dynamic and programming that we receive from the super self

124

and the emotional wi -fi in the family and

125

so then i go i have no power i can't do

126

anything about it anyway my boss i can never talk to him i just completely fold isn't

127

that what the enabling parent did and

128

that i might even tell myself any resistance to others who are treating me badly only makes it worse

129

and so those are some of the dynamics we take in there are many more

130

but those are some of them

131

if you want to know more about getting this toxic family

132

and the toxic parents out of you the narcissist

133

and the enabling parent i hope you'll join the online program mentioned down in the description it's six modules

134

and a year's worth of group sessions with me on a monthly basis.

135

I hope you'll take a look at that.

136

I go into much more detail than I can do in my videos that I put on YouTube.

137

It would take too long and we need to focus on some things.

138

So I would recommend you take advantage of that.

139

Number three, the enabling parent often escapes our awareness

140

and we often do not see the role they played in enabling the family dynamics.

141

So many times what we'll do is demonize the narcissist

142

and deify the enabling parent because that's the only parent that has any kind of something left for us to connect to.

143

And at least she did give me some ice cream.

144

It's not as bad is what dad was doing

145

so then we we may become more blinded about their role in what was happening

146

and by the way my focus nor my desire is for blaming my desire is for awareness

147

and i talk about blaming in the program in the online program and how it's something that we truly want to avoid.

148

Speaking the truth and having awareness and having someone be accountable is not the same thing as blaming.

149

So blaming is not good.

150

These other things are fine.

151

But often what we'll do is we'll be in our own denial and not see how that role played in.

152

This happens especially if the enabling spouse

153

or enabling parent over functions after the fact

154

or they behave codependently they get us ice cream they tuck

155

us in at night they go buy us a gift

156

if they did that now many enabling parents didn't even do

157

that but many times the enabling parent will might try to pick up the pieces might try to comfort us

158

while ignoring the true problem

159

and then there are other enabling parents who just sit there and ignore the true problem and don't even comfort.

160

They just stay out of it like they can stay out of it.

161

Unfortunately, if we're the parents and we're raising children, neither parent can ever stay out of it.

162

It's because we both have a responsibility to the children.

163

Often this parent is a hidden source of anger for those who grew up with narcissistic parents.

164

And they may then only realize later how I really am angry

165

and hurt about what mom did or didn't do or what dad did or didn't do as an enabling parent.

166

And we didn't feel like we even had the right to have those feelings

167

because at least the enabling parent tried a little bit.

168

So we feel guilty about having true feelings about that

169

and then they get stuck in us oftentimes i find in working with families

170

and marriages over the many decades

171

that often there might be more emotional dynamics going on with

172

the non -problem parent than with the problem parent the narcissistic

173

parent he's just out there that's just out there very clear this is much more subtle much more hidden much more

174

you know anything's better than nothing

175

kind of uh thinking that we will have for an enabling parent

176

so what can you do now become more aware of family dynamics

177

that happened to you

178

when you were growing up particularly with an enabling parent who was doing what

179

when how did they react to that what what was done

180

when was it done how was it done and i wouldn't worry

181

so much about why i would just look at what is happening

182

when dad's in a rage what's mom doing where's she at

183

and what she you know is she in baking cookies for

184

everybody after the rage is over you know what was going on

185

and begin to see that because you may have a tendency to do

186

that when the heat goes up in your own life

187

and there's higher anxiety you may go to your kitchen and start making cookies in your own life confront true feelings,

188

which are a residual effect of the family dynamics.

189

How would I really feel about that if that's what was happening?

190

Well, I would feel pretty frustrated or angry or upset about that.

191

I'm not saying I need to go and slash my mother's tires.

192

That's not what I'm saying.

193

I got to deal with it in me.

194

She's her.

195

I can't fix her.

196

I got to deal with me

197

but I want to know my true feelings about it

198

so I can deal with me

199

and then look at how you've picked up the enablers dynamics within you

200

and many times I talk about picking up

201

and being programmed by their emotional location the emotional location where they're at

202

and I'll be talking more about emotional location in the program

203

which means their own self -differentiation how they deal with feelings

204

and thinking how how self -differentiated are they how little are they self -differentiated how much trauma do they have

205

and what are the rules and beliefs that they have that's your emotional location

206

because it will drive how you feel

207

and then often your feelings drive how you think

208

and we want to try to work on reversing

209

that whole process look at what you've picked up from the

210

enabler a propensity to be in denial accepting others abuse smiling

211

while in pain self -neglect trauma bonding complying rebelling or being reactive

212

or shutting down accepting toxic boundaries for self and from others

213

because that's something the enabling parent will do is accept toxic boundaries.

214

There's boundaries in narcissistic families or families with a narcissist. But they're toxic boundaries.

215

For example, don't fight back because it'll only make it worse.

216

That's a toxic boundary.

217

Don't do that.

218

but it's a toxic boundary.

219

Begin to notice when you want to feel, you think.

220

When you want to think, you feel.

221

Because for an enabling parent, they have probably learned to do that and to reverse that.

222

I want to thank you for watching today.

223

I hope you have a great day.

224

Please subscribe, comment, and like this video.

225

Have a great day and be wise.

App downloaden

Alles wat je nodig hebt om vloeiend te spreken

AI UitspraakScoor elke zin

IPA OefeningBeheers elk geluid

WoordenschatBouw je woordenschat op

WoordenspelLeren terwijl je speelt

Scan QR

Download on theApp Store Get it onGoogle Play

Zelfde Kanaal

Life of an Adult Child of a Narcissist Explained in 8 Minutes

Daily ConversationWorking Adults

Seriously, I'm Begging You to Focus on Your Self Before It's Too Late

Daily ConversationWorking Adults

FOR YOU

Aanbevolen Video

35 zinnen

You're Not Responsible for Fixing Other People | Mel Robbins #Shorts

Daily ConversationWorking Adults

33 zinnen

No 1

Daily ConversationWorking Adults

69 zinnen

Kids don’t always make you happier. Here’s why people have them anyway. | Paul Bloom

Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults

10 zinnen

Voor wie is deze video geschikt?

Deze video is perfect voor Engelsleerders die op een intermediair niveau zitten en willen oefenen met gesproken Engels in een diepgaande, gesprekelijke setting. Het past bij wie zich wil richten op begrip van complexe thema's (zoals familiepsychologie) en het verbeteren van hun luistervaardigheid voor conversaties met een natuurlijke, everyday flow. Bovendien is het ideaal om te oefenen met schaduwspreekt (of "shadowing"), want de spreker spreekt duidelijk en met een regelmatige tempo, waardoor het gemakkelijk is om hem te volgen.

Woorden en uitdrukkingen om te onthouden

De video bevat enkele opvallende termen en uitdrukkingen die handig zijn voor zowel het begrip als het spreken:

Enabling parent: Een ouder die de destructieve gedragingen van een narcistische ouder ondersteunt of toestaat. Bijv.: "Mijn moeder was een enabling parent, ze hielp mijn vader nooit te stoppen met zijn grimmige opmerkingen."
Flying monkeys: Mensen die de narcist helpen om anderen te manipuleren. Bijv.: "Zijn vrienden werkten als flying monkeys, ze beloofden hem altijd te steunen, zelfs als hij fout was."
Internalize: Opnemen in je eigen gedachten of gedrag. Bijv.: "Veel kinderen internaliseren de pijn van hun ouders, waardoor ze later moeite hebben met zelfvertrouwen."

Deze woorden komen vaak voor in gesprekken over psychologie en familieproblemen, dus ze zijn waard om te onthouden!

Hoe de uitspraak goed te krijgen

Om de uitspraak van de spreker na te bootsen (en zo je engelse uitspraak te verbeteren), let op deze punten:

Tempo: De spreker spreekt langzaam genoeg om te volgen, maar met een natuurlijke stroom. Probeer hem te imiteren door schaduw spreken te doen: pauzeer de video na elke zin en herhaal hem direct na, met dezelfde snelheid.
Stress op woorden: Let op welke woorden hij benadrukt, zoals "dysfunctional families" of "self-care". In Engels wordt de nadruk vaak gebruikt om belangrijkheid te geven, dus herhaal die nadruk in je eigen spraak.
Intonatie: Zijn stem gaat op en neer bij vragen of wanneer hij een punt wil maken. Probeer die intonatiewijzigingen na te bootsen om je spraak levendiger te maken.

Door regelmatig te oefenen met schaduwspraak op deze video, zul je merken dat je niet alleen beter begrijpt, maar ook zelf vloeiender Engels spreekt!

Grammatica in deze video

De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:

Structuur	In de video
Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt	I've done · have made · have been
Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet	is left · weren't programmed · were sent
Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding	those who grew · children who are

Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?

Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.

Shadowing-techniek: lees de volledige stap-voor-stap-gids →

Shadowing Practice: Narcissists' Enabler Parent: Why They Didn't Protect You - Learn English Speaking with Video

Kies een oefenmodus

App downloaden

Life of an Adult Child of a Narcissist Explained in 8 Minutes

Seriously, I'm Begging You to Focus on Your Self Before It's Too Late

You're Not Responsible for Fixing Other People | Mel Robbins #Shorts

No 1

Kids don’t always make you happier. Here’s why people have them anyway. | Paul Bloom

Why Unloved People Hate Themselves #shorts #selfcare

The Worst Form of Immaturity

Signs Your Mother Is A Covert Narcissist & How To Recover

Why We Can't Save Those We Love

نحوه رفتار با پارتنر اجتنابی

How To Teach Autistic Children to Speak Naturally

Obsessive Behavior Audio

What to do when willpower doesn't work

Voor wie is deze video geschikt?

Woorden en uitdrukkingen om te onthouden

Hoe de uitspraak goed te krijgen

Grammatica in deze video

Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?