Shadowing Practice: Narcissists' Enabler Parent: Why They Didn't Protect You - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Hey hi everyone my name is Jerry Wise
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and the topic today is the narcissist's spouse parent meaning the spouse who is the other parent
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and why didn't they protect me we also could call them
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the enabling parent much like in an alcoholic home you have the alcoholic and then you have what we call the codependent,
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the enabling parent who enable the alcoholic.
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Narcissists have enablers too.
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They bring enablers around to them.
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Flying monkeys are enablers for narcissists.
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That's my topic today and what I've done for years is to try to help those who grew up in dysfunctional families, narcissistic families,
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broken families and get
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that dysfunction out of them what is an enabling parent in
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a family with a narcissist as a parent a parent who is not the narcissist
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but enables the narcissist now sometimes you have two narcissistic parents
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and one's more of an enabler one's more of a malignant or more negative narcissist
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the narcissist enabling spouse simply are those parents who have made
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it easy for the narcissist to continue their destructive parenting
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and habits now that you're adults i try to shift people it's not
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so much about what they did or what they didn't do
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but what is left over in you that's what's really important
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for us as recovering healing adult children of narcissists it's not
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that I don't care about the trauma or the pain
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or the hurt or the damage or abuse
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or neglect all those are important and it's important
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that we acknowledge them it's important that we don't
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and no longer stay in our denial about them
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but what do we do now with the way they were
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and the way they treated us narcissists enabling spouses number one do not know self -care self -respect self -confidence
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or self -regulation they don't know those things they weren't programmed in
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that way and if you have two narcissistic parents then this is a little different
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but i think both probably it would apply to both as well
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but again they don't know those self skills
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and that's why they're more likely to be enablers they could
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have been abusive in many ways from neglect to physical abuse these enabling parents we all had unique family dynamics
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and and will talk about the common roles
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or typical families with a narcissistic parent so
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if your experience was not exactly that
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that way that's fine as we all say in recovery programs take what you can use
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and leave the rest so we experienced pain hurt
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and even terror at times what else did we learn or internalize
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or took into adulthood i have a lot of people who
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can talk about their trauma what happened how horrible it was then and that they're still suffering from that
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but they don't know how it works in them they know what happened they never have pain
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which is important
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but how does it work in you how does it work in relationship ships how does it work
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and how you relate to you
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and i think that's some uh focus that's a focus that could really be helpful in recovery and finding freedom.
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So you might ask yourself in what ways have you internalized your parents?
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I realize you might be an enabling parent now.
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You may mirror the enabling parent.
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You may tend to mirror the traits of the narcissist.
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There could be some mirroring going on that's very close or parallel.
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What I also like to look at is the deeper dynamics.
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How are those dynamics at work in me and how I look at relationships,
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how I do relationships, how I am reactive, how I'm not reactive.
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I like to look at those things because they actually go deeper and maybe are a finer tuning to our recovery.
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Second of all, enablers are in denial about how they didn't or don't protect others.
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I've had many, many, many people, friends, clients, everybody, so many have come to to me and said, even my parent now who's 85 years old,
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I can say, Mom, don't you realize how awful Dad was as a narcissist?
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I just didn't feel very protected by you.
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What will they respond?
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Well, there was nothing more I could do.
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Or it didn't happen.
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That isn't true.
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Your memory is faulty.
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We had a great family and you had clothes and food
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and you were sent to school and you had a new car
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when you were 16 they'll begin to talk about things like
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that and completely ignore what you're talking about and how toxic
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and damaging the narcissist parent was to the whole family
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and to you
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and they'll still ignore it even these many decades later they chose the narcissistic parent over the children
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and over themselves they stand by when the narcissist tells lies is cruel is abusive
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then they may come to pick up the pieces
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that have been shattered oh honey it's better to forgive your
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father you know how he is let's get some ice cream you know there's nothing I or you can do.
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So let's just try to be happy or let's go on with our day.
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We are always powerless and these are some of the silent messages that are sent.
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There's nothing you or I can do.
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Remember we are always powerless.
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Don't fight back because it will only make it worse.
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Yes your dad is wrong and this can be a message that can be a silent message.
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Yes your dad is wrong but he loves you I may have been wrong
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and not protecting you but you know I love you
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and I wish this hadn't happened okay and again I would say that comes out of a certain emotional location
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that your enabling parent was in and was in as a child
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and was and it was a bequeath to them by their family
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and they can talk like that from that position but
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if you're in a different position maybe you're in recovery you're
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just shaking your head going what is this all about what
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is this nonsense all about this doesn't even make sense
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and there's not even an acknowledgement of what really happened the narcissistic parent delivers trauma directly oftentimes the enabling spouse
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or parent delivers it through passive means neglect standing back
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and watching helping after the rage or after the abuse
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and they may have even learned to dissociate detach from
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that momentary reality in other words they see it happening
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but they're just not even there they just and then I think
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so often that is that does happen they've been traumatized they see this trauma with their children
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and they can just watch it
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and just not even be present uh consciously you know emotionally uh
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because if you and i were to have
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that happen with our children we would be horrified the enabling parent just shuts down just doesn't see it uh
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and and just goes on with life as though it never happened
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and that's how they cope the difficulties
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that they have children who are dependent on them that's the problem
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and that's where we were this neglect from the non -narcissistic parent often gets internalized into us
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so not only did all this mess
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that was happening with the narcissist affect us the patterns thinking
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emotional dynamics often gets internalized in us we could end up being an enabling parent maybe not to a narcissist
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but maybe an alcoholic
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and alcoholism by the way as all addiction is are narcissistic
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addictions I mean they have you become narcissistic not in a personality disorder
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but in the syndrome of
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and the disease of alcoholism drug addiction any addiction has a narcissistic side to it
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and so if this is what let's say mom was doing dad was a narcissist mom's the enabling
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and I've had many people have it be reversed mom was the malignant narcissist
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and dad was just the quiet sit in his chair not do anything about what was going on
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so we take in from this experience with the enabling parent what's going on they're neglecting themselves,
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they're neglecting their children and guess what I end up internalizing?
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I then end up neglecting me.
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That's the trait I pick up from them.
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Or I can stand and watch me be abused, misused, shamed and then try to come in after the fact and try to make it better for myself.
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Or I might tell myself well it's no use i have no power that's again part of
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that enabling parents dynamic and programming that we receive from the super self
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and the emotional wi -fi in the family and
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so then i go i have no power i can't do
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anything about it anyway my boss i can never talk to him i just completely fold isn't
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that what the enabling parent did and
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that i might even tell myself any resistance to others who are treating me badly only makes it worse
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and so those are some of the dynamics we take in there are many more
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but those are some of them
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if you want to know more about getting this toxic family
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and the toxic parents out of you the narcissist
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and the enabling parent i hope you'll join the online program mentioned down in the description it's six modules
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and a year's worth of group sessions with me on a monthly basis.
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I hope you'll take a look at that.
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I go into much more detail than I can do in my videos that I put on YouTube.
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It would take too long and we need to focus on some things.
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So I would recommend you take advantage of that.
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Number three, the enabling parent often escapes our awareness
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and we often do not see the role they played in enabling the family dynamics.
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So many times what we'll do is demonize the narcissist
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and deify the enabling parent because that's the only parent that has any kind of something left for us to connect to.
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And at least she did give me some ice cream.
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It's not as bad is what dad was doing
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so then we we may become more blinded about their role in what was happening
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and by the way my focus nor my desire is for blaming my desire is for awareness
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and i talk about blaming in the program in the online program and how it's something that we truly want to avoid.
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Speaking the truth and having awareness and having someone be accountable is not the same thing as blaming.
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So blaming is not good.
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These other things are fine.
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But often what we'll do is we'll be in our own denial and not see how that role played in.
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This happens especially if the enabling spouse
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or enabling parent over functions after the fact
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or they behave codependently they get us ice cream they tuck
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us in at night they go buy us a gift
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if they did that now many enabling parents didn't even do
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that but many times the enabling parent will might try to pick up the pieces might try to comfort us
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while ignoring the true problem
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and then there are other enabling parents who just sit there and ignore the true problem and don't even comfort.
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They just stay out of it like they can stay out of it.
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Unfortunately, if we're the parents and we're raising children, neither parent can ever stay out of it.
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It's because we both have a responsibility to the children.
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Often this parent is a hidden source of anger for those who grew up with narcissistic parents.
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And they may then only realize later how I really am angry
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and hurt about what mom did or didn't do or what dad did or didn't do as an enabling parent.
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And we didn't feel like we even had the right to have those feelings
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because at least the enabling parent tried a little bit.
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So we feel guilty about having true feelings about that
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and then they get stuck in us oftentimes i find in working with families
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and marriages over the many decades
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that often there might be more emotional dynamics going on with
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the non -problem parent than with the problem parent the narcissistic
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parent he's just out there that's just out there very clear this is much more subtle much more hidden much more
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you know anything's better than nothing
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kind of uh thinking that we will have for an enabling parent
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so what can you do now become more aware of family dynamics
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that happened to you
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when you were growing up particularly with an enabling parent who was doing what
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when how did they react to that what what was done
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when was it done how was it done and i wouldn't worry
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so much about why i would just look at what is happening
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when dad's in a rage what's mom doing where's she at
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and what she you know is she in baking cookies for
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everybody after the rage is over you know what was going on
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and begin to see that because you may have a tendency to do
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that when the heat goes up in your own life
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and there's higher anxiety you may go to your kitchen and start making cookies in your own life confront true feelings,
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which are a residual effect of the family dynamics.
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How would I really feel about that if that's what was happening?
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Well, I would feel pretty frustrated or angry or upset about that.
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I'm not saying I need to go and slash my mother's tires.
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That's not what I'm saying.
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I got to deal with it in me.
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She's her.
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I can't fix her.
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I got to deal with me
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but I want to know my true feelings about it
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so I can deal with me
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and then look at how you've picked up the enablers dynamics within you
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and many times I talk about picking up
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and being programmed by their emotional location the emotional location where they're at
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and I'll be talking more about emotional location in the program
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which means their own self -differentiation how they deal with feelings
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and thinking how how self -differentiated are they how little are they self -differentiated how much trauma do they have
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and what are the rules and beliefs that they have that's your emotional location
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because it will drive how you feel
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and then often your feelings drive how you think
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and we want to try to work on reversing
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that whole process look at what you've picked up from the
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enabler a propensity to be in denial accepting others abuse smiling
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while in pain self -neglect trauma bonding complying rebelling or being reactive
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or shutting down accepting toxic boundaries for self and from others
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because that's something the enabling parent will do is accept toxic boundaries.
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There's boundaries in narcissistic families or families with a narcissist. But they're toxic boundaries.
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For example, don't fight back because it'll only make it worse.
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That's a toxic boundary.
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Don't do that.
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but it's a toxic boundary.
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Begin to notice when you want to feel, you think.
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When you want to think, you feel.
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Because for an enabling parent, they have probably learned to do that and to reverse that.
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I want to thank you for watching today.
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I hope you have a great day.
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Please subscribe, comment, and like this video.
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Have a great day and be wise.
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Why This Video Is Perfect for English Speaking Practice
This video’s conversational tone and relatable topic make it ideal for honing everyday English skills. The speaker uses natural pacing, pauses, and intonation—key elements of fluent speech—while discussing complex ideas in accessible language. Whether you’re preparing for IELTS speaking practice or simply want to sound more confident, the dialogue’s mix of explanation and reflection mirrors real-world communication, helping you master both clarity and emotional expression.
Breaking Down Natural English Phrasing
Let’s analyze a few standout lines to see why they work. First: “take what you can use and leave the rest”. This common idiom is casual yet impactful, showing how native speakers simplify advice. Notice the contraction “you can use” instead of “you are able to use”—contractions keep speech flowing. Second: “it’s not so much about what they did or what they didn’t do but what is left over in you”. The structure “not so much… but…” is perfect for contrasting ideas, a skill vital for improving English pronunciation and coherence. Finally: “how does it work in you? How does it work in relationships?” Repetition of “how does it work” creates rhythm, making the speaker’s point memorable. These phrases are easy to mimic, making them great for shadowing technique practice.
A Simple Shadowing Routine for This Video
Try this shadowspeak exercise to boost your speaking skills. First, watch the video once to understand the content. Then, play a 5-second clip, pause, and repeat it aloud—focus on matching the speaker’s tone, stress, and pace. Record yourself, then compare it to the original. Did you catch the rise in intonation on “but what is left over in you”? Next, extend to 10-second clips, focusing on contractions like “it’s” and “don’t”. Finally, practice the entire segment without pausing, aiming for natural flow. This shadow speak loop trains your brain to process and reproduce English quickly, a key step toward fluency. Over time, you’ll notice improved pronunciation, better pacing, and a more natural speaking style—skills that shine in both daily conversations and exams like IELTS.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've done · have made · have been |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | is left · weren't programmed · were sent |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | those who grew · children who are |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.