Pratique du Shadowing: Narcissists' Enabler Parent: Why They Didn't Protect You - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
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Hey hi everyone my name is Jerry Wise
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and the topic today is the narcissist's spouse parent meaning the spouse who is the other parent
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and why didn't they protect me we also could call them
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the enabling parent much like in an alcoholic home you have the alcoholic and then you have what we call the codependent,
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the enabling parent who enable the alcoholic.
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Narcissists have enablers too.
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They bring enablers around to them.
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Flying monkeys are enablers for narcissists.
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That's my topic today and what I've done for years is to try to help those who grew up in dysfunctional families, narcissistic families,
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broken families and get
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that dysfunction out of them what is an enabling parent in
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a family with a narcissist as a parent a parent who is not the narcissist
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but enables the narcissist now sometimes you have two narcissistic parents
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and one's more of an enabler one's more of a malignant or more negative narcissist
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the narcissist enabling spouse simply are those parents who have made
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it easy for the narcissist to continue their destructive parenting
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and habits now that you're adults i try to shift people it's not
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so much about what they did or what they didn't do
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but what is left over in you that's what's really important
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for us as recovering healing adult children of narcissists it's not
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that I don't care about the trauma or the pain
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or the hurt or the damage or abuse
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or neglect all those are important and it's important
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that we acknowledge them it's important that we don't
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and no longer stay in our denial about them
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but what do we do now with the way they were
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and the way they treated us narcissists enabling spouses number one do not know self -care self -respect self -confidence
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or self -regulation they don't know those things they weren't programmed in
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that way and if you have two narcissistic parents then this is a little different
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but i think both probably it would apply to both as well
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but again they don't know those self skills
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and that's why they're more likely to be enablers they could
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have been abusive in many ways from neglect to physical abuse these enabling parents we all had unique family dynamics
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and and will talk about the common roles
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or typical families with a narcissistic parent so
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if your experience was not exactly that
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that way that's fine as we all say in recovery programs take what you can use
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and leave the rest so we experienced pain hurt
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and even terror at times what else did we learn or internalize
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or took into adulthood i have a lot of people who
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can talk about their trauma what happened how horrible it was then and that they're still suffering from that
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but they don't know how it works in them they know what happened they never have pain
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which is important
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but how does it work in you how does it work in relationship ships how does it work
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and how you relate to you
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and i think that's some uh focus that's a focus that could really be helpful in recovery and finding freedom.
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So you might ask yourself in what ways have you internalized your parents?
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I realize you might be an enabling parent now.
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You may mirror the enabling parent.
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You may tend to mirror the traits of the narcissist.
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There could be some mirroring going on that's very close or parallel.
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What I also like to look at is the deeper dynamics.
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How are those dynamics at work in me and how I look at relationships,
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how I do relationships, how I am reactive, how I'm not reactive.
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I like to look at those things because they actually go deeper and maybe are a finer tuning to our recovery.
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Second of all, enablers are in denial about how they didn't or don't protect others.
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I've had many, many, many people, friends, clients, everybody, so many have come to to me and said, even my parent now who's 85 years old,
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I can say, Mom, don't you realize how awful Dad was as a narcissist?
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I just didn't feel very protected by you.
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What will they respond?
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Well, there was nothing more I could do.
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Or it didn't happen.
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That isn't true.
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Your memory is faulty.
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We had a great family and you had clothes and food
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and you were sent to school and you had a new car
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when you were 16 they'll begin to talk about things like
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that and completely ignore what you're talking about and how toxic
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and damaging the narcissist parent was to the whole family
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and to you
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and they'll still ignore it even these many decades later they chose the narcissistic parent over the children
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and over themselves they stand by when the narcissist tells lies is cruel is abusive
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then they may come to pick up the pieces
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that have been shattered oh honey it's better to forgive your
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father you know how he is let's get some ice cream you know there's nothing I or you can do.
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So let's just try to be happy or let's go on with our day.
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We are always powerless and these are some of the silent messages that are sent.
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There's nothing you or I can do.
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Remember we are always powerless.
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Don't fight back because it will only make it worse.
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Yes your dad is wrong and this can be a message that can be a silent message.
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Yes your dad is wrong but he loves you I may have been wrong
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and not protecting you but you know I love you
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and I wish this hadn't happened okay and again I would say that comes out of a certain emotional location
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that your enabling parent was in and was in as a child
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and was and it was a bequeath to them by their family
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and they can talk like that from that position but
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if you're in a different position maybe you're in recovery you're
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just shaking your head going what is this all about what
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is this nonsense all about this doesn't even make sense
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and there's not even an acknowledgement of what really happened the narcissistic parent delivers trauma directly oftentimes the enabling spouse
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or parent delivers it through passive means neglect standing back
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and watching helping after the rage or after the abuse
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and they may have even learned to dissociate detach from
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that momentary reality in other words they see it happening
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but they're just not even there they just and then I think
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so often that is that does happen they've been traumatized they see this trauma with their children
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and they can just watch it
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and just not even be present uh consciously you know emotionally uh
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because if you and i were to have
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that happen with our children we would be horrified the enabling parent just shuts down just doesn't see it uh
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and and just goes on with life as though it never happened
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and that's how they cope the difficulties
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that they have children who are dependent on them that's the problem
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and that's where we were this neglect from the non -narcissistic parent often gets internalized into us
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so not only did all this mess
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that was happening with the narcissist affect us the patterns thinking
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emotional dynamics often gets internalized in us we could end up being an enabling parent maybe not to a narcissist
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but maybe an alcoholic
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and alcoholism by the way as all addiction is are narcissistic
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addictions I mean they have you become narcissistic not in a personality disorder
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but in the syndrome of
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and the disease of alcoholism drug addiction any addiction has a narcissistic side to it
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and so if this is what let's say mom was doing dad was a narcissist mom's the enabling
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and I've had many people have it be reversed mom was the malignant narcissist
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and dad was just the quiet sit in his chair not do anything about what was going on
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so we take in from this experience with the enabling parent what's going on they're neglecting themselves,
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they're neglecting their children and guess what I end up internalizing?
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I then end up neglecting me.
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That's the trait I pick up from them.
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Or I can stand and watch me be abused, misused, shamed and then try to come in after the fact and try to make it better for myself.
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Or I might tell myself well it's no use i have no power that's again part of
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that enabling parents dynamic and programming that we receive from the super self
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and the emotional wi -fi in the family and
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so then i go i have no power i can't do
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anything about it anyway my boss i can never talk to him i just completely fold isn't
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that what the enabling parent did and
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that i might even tell myself any resistance to others who are treating me badly only makes it worse
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and so those are some of the dynamics we take in there are many more
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but those are some of them
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if you want to know more about getting this toxic family
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and the toxic parents out of you the narcissist
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and the enabling parent i hope you'll join the online program mentioned down in the description it's six modules
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and a year's worth of group sessions with me on a monthly basis.
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I hope you'll take a look at that.
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I go into much more detail than I can do in my videos that I put on YouTube.
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It would take too long and we need to focus on some things.
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So I would recommend you take advantage of that.
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Number three, the enabling parent often escapes our awareness
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and we often do not see the role they played in enabling the family dynamics.
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So many times what we'll do is demonize the narcissist
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and deify the enabling parent because that's the only parent that has any kind of something left for us to connect to.
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And at least she did give me some ice cream.
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It's not as bad is what dad was doing
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so then we we may become more blinded about their role in what was happening
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and by the way my focus nor my desire is for blaming my desire is for awareness
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and i talk about blaming in the program in the online program and how it's something that we truly want to avoid.
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Speaking the truth and having awareness and having someone be accountable is not the same thing as blaming.
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So blaming is not good.
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These other things are fine.
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But often what we'll do is we'll be in our own denial and not see how that role played in.
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This happens especially if the enabling spouse
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or enabling parent over functions after the fact
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or they behave codependently they get us ice cream they tuck
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us in at night they go buy us a gift
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if they did that now many enabling parents didn't even do
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that but many times the enabling parent will might try to pick up the pieces might try to comfort us
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while ignoring the true problem
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and then there are other enabling parents who just sit there and ignore the true problem and don't even comfort.
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They just stay out of it like they can stay out of it.
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Unfortunately, if we're the parents and we're raising children, neither parent can ever stay out of it.
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It's because we both have a responsibility to the children.
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Often this parent is a hidden source of anger for those who grew up with narcissistic parents.
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And they may then only realize later how I really am angry
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and hurt about what mom did or didn't do or what dad did or didn't do as an enabling parent.
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And we didn't feel like we even had the right to have those feelings
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because at least the enabling parent tried a little bit.
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So we feel guilty about having true feelings about that
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and then they get stuck in us oftentimes i find in working with families
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and marriages over the many decades
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that often there might be more emotional dynamics going on with
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the non -problem parent than with the problem parent the narcissistic
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parent he's just out there that's just out there very clear this is much more subtle much more hidden much more
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you know anything's better than nothing
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kind of uh thinking that we will have for an enabling parent
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so what can you do now become more aware of family dynamics
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that happened to you
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when you were growing up particularly with an enabling parent who was doing what
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when how did they react to that what what was done
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when was it done how was it done and i wouldn't worry
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so much about why i would just look at what is happening
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when dad's in a rage what's mom doing where's she at
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and what she you know is she in baking cookies for
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everybody after the rage is over you know what was going on
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and begin to see that because you may have a tendency to do
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that when the heat goes up in your own life
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and there's higher anxiety you may go to your kitchen and start making cookies in your own life confront true feelings,
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which are a residual effect of the family dynamics.
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How would I really feel about that if that's what was happening?
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Well, I would feel pretty frustrated or angry or upset about that.
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I'm not saying I need to go and slash my mother's tires.
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That's not what I'm saying.
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I got to deal with it in me.
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She's her.
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I can't fix her.
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I got to deal with me
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but I want to know my true feelings about it
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so I can deal with me
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and then look at how you've picked up the enablers dynamics within you
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and many times I talk about picking up
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and being programmed by their emotional location the emotional location where they're at
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and I'll be talking more about emotional location in the program
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which means their own self -differentiation how they deal with feelings
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and thinking how how self -differentiated are they how little are they self -differentiated how much trauma do they have
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and what are the rules and beliefs that they have that's your emotional location
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because it will drive how you feel
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and then often your feelings drive how you think
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and we want to try to work on reversing
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that whole process look at what you've picked up from the
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enabler a propensity to be in denial accepting others abuse smiling
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while in pain self -neglect trauma bonding complying rebelling or being reactive
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or shutting down accepting toxic boundaries for self and from others
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because that's something the enabling parent will do is accept toxic boundaries.
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There's boundaries in narcissistic families or families with a narcissist. But they're toxic boundaries.
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For example, don't fight back because it'll only make it worse.
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That's a toxic boundary.
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Don't do that.
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but it's a toxic boundary.
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Begin to notice when you want to feel, you think.
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When you want to think, you feel.
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Because for an enabling parent, they have probably learned to do that and to reverse that.
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I want to thank you for watching today.
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I hope you have a great day.
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Please subscribe, comment, and like this video.
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Have a great day and be wise.
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Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette vidéo contient 225 phrases et 2613 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 18:50. Le locuteur parle à un rythme régulier d’environ 139 mots par minute, confortable pour le shadowing. 84 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais ; le reste mérite d’être vu avant de commencer.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
15 mots de la vidéo à retenir, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| enable verbe | /ɪˈneɪ.bəl/ | autoriser, permettre |
| dynamics nom | /dɑɪˈnæm.ɪks/ | dynamique |
| toxic adjectif | /ˈtɒk.sɪk/ | toxique |
| neglect verbe | /nɪˈɡlɛkt/ | négliger |
| trauma nom | /ˈtɹɔm.ə/ | traumatisme, trauma |
| boundary nom | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | frontière, limite |
| spouse nom | /spaʊ̯s/ | époux, épouse |
| ignore verbe | /ɪɡˈnɔː/ | ignorer, ne pas prêter attention à |
| addiction nom | /əˈdɪkˌʃən/ | dépendance, addiction |
| denial nom | /dɪˈnaɪ.əl/ | négation |
| alcoholic nom | /ˌæl.kəˈhɔ.lɪk/ | alcoolique |
| mirror nom | /ˈmiɹɚ/ | glace, miroir |
| awareness nom | /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/ | conscience |
| reverse nom | /ɹɪˈvɝs/ | contraire |
| rage nom | /ɹeɪd͡ʒ/ | rage, furie |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| pick up verbe | soulever | |
| end up verbe | se terminer, se finir | |
| fight back verbe | /faɪt bæk/ | contre-attaquer |
| shut down verbe | éteindre | |
| grow up verbe | grandir | |
| stand back verbe | reculer |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 61 contractions et formes réduites, comme don't, didn't, they're. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: addiction /əˈdɪkˌʃən/, differentiate /dɪf.əˈɹɛn.ʃi.eɪt/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, shake /ˈʃeɪk/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: alcoholic /ˌæl.kəˈhɔ.lɪk/, differentiate /dɪf.əˈɹɛn.ʃi.eɪt/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, difficulty /ˈdɪfɪkəlti/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Répétez phrase par phrase à vitesse normale, en reprenant chacune jusqu’à ce que votre rythme corresponde à celui du locuteur.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme enable, dynamics, toxic.
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | I've done · have made · have been |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | is left · weren't programmed · were sent |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | those who grew · children who are |
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.