Shadowing Practice: the 6 friendship rules i use to build a real village - Learn English Speaking with Video
Les maken...
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Sometimes the internet isn't even trying to hurt your feelings.
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It just does.
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You're scrolling.
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You see girls laughing around a dinner table, clinking glasses on a girl's trip, enjoying life together, celebrating each other.
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And suddenly you get a little sad because you wish that was you and you just want more real quality friends.
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The kind of girlfriends you can do life with.
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Girls who show up, who have your back, who you can talk personal growth with, who you can travel with.
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Girls who don't get jealous and make you feel bad.
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and then you spiral a little bit because you realize, wait, do I even have enough girlfriends to be my bridesmaids?
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Am I just going to stand at the altar alone while my man has 10 of his best friends?
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Yes?
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No?
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Just me?
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Hi muses!
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Welcome back to my channel where we talk about how women can have their cake and eat it too.
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I'm your host Nadine and I'm here to rebuild the village woman once had
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so we can have the right conversations and create lives that feel as good as it looks.
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Please like, subscribe, and turn on the notification bell so you don't miss anything.
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I think adult friendships are one of the most misunderstood parts of being a woman
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because nobody teaches you how to choose friends once you're not forced into proximity anymore by school or by work,
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and nobody prepares you for how awkward it can feel when you're growing and changing.
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Like you're becoming a new version of yourself, but your friendships are still holding on to the old you and it makes you uncomfortable.
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It makes it difficult to actually change, but there's also a lot of guilt around letting go of certain friends.
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So today I want to talk about what actually makes a friendship safe and solid as an adult,
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the kind of rules and boundaries that protect your peace and what building a village really requires.
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If you've ever felt lonely in a friend group or you just want to make better friends, this episode is for you.
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As always, we don't gatekeep, so let's step into it.
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Friendship as a kid was proximity-based.
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Same school, same class, same life phase.
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We didn't really get to choose the environments we wanted to be in.
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Like our parents chose the area we lived and the school we went to.
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And so we were sort of forced to make friends within that pool.
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And we might not have liked everyone, but safe to say we probably performed a little bit just so we could fit in.
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And then fast forward with college, you got a clean slate to pretty much start over, shed who you were in high school because no one knows you anymore.
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You're around your peers who likely share a lot of the same interests as you, and these are more likely to become your lifelong friends.
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But once you graduate, jobs pull you all in different cities and directions, and suddenly you only see them once in a blue moon.
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Adult friendships, though, are value-based,
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lifestyle-based, even energy-based, And that's why it feels harder because now compatibility matters even more.
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But the thing is, you actually don't need that many friends.
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There's research around something called Dunbar Circles that basically says most of us can only sustain about five true inner circle friends,
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then maybe 15 in our outer circle and then 50-ish distant friends.
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And then beyond that, it's more like people you know.
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And when you hear that, it's like, oh, so I'm not failing because I don't have 20 besties.
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I'm just human.
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And you're also just no longer compatible with everyone who used to have access to you.
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Think about how you choose your romantic partners.
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You have standards, expectations, values, and you also want to share some similarities while filling the gaps for each other.
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Friendships are literally the same, but platonic.
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So when you finally realize that the next question becomes, if friendships matter this much, how do we actually build it well and build it on purpose?
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I don't think it's news anymore that women heal in rooms together.
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We regulate together, brunches, walks, dinners, rituals, venting sessions, maybe a little gossip,
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not the petty kind, but the kind that's basically information sharing.
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What happened?
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What did you notice?
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What's the pattern?
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Women have always traded contexts like currency, and honestly this is an old practice that's just coded in our DNA.
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This is how villages used to be.
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Women didn't learn how to be women alone in their apartments.
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They learned in circles, through stories, through watching other women, through being corrected gently,
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through laughing, through crying, through somebody making you a cup of tea and saying, okay, tell me everything.
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Because the village wasn't just childcare and meals.
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It was emotional processing and wisdom passed down in real time.
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That's why studies even show that venting helps us so much.
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It's not just complaining, okay?
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It's your nervous system trying to let go of what you've been carrying.
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When you say something out loud to someone safe, your body finally gets the message.
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I'm not alone.
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I'm supported.
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I don't have to hold all of this by myself.
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But the part we forget is that this kind of healing doesn't happen by accident anymore.
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It has to be created.
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That's why gathering isn't optional.
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It's the infrastructure of sisterhood.
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Women who have tight-knit inner circles don't just fall into friendships.
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They're curating who they allow into their lives and making sure
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that that person is a right fit for her and that she is also a right fit for them.
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Finding your place of gathering or creating it is just the start.
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A real village is built on behavior.
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So if you feel lonely, don't just ask, why doesn't anyone invite me?
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Or why doesn't anyone wanna be friends with me?
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Ask yourself, when was the last time you initiated?
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When was the last time you created space or hosted?
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When was the last time you approached someone and started a conversation?
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Because if you want a village, you have to be a villager, which means you need to get out of your comfort zone to show up for others, even when it is not convenient for you.
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You need to learn to check in without having your own personal agenda.
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You need to learn how to celebrate without comparison, contribute and not just consume, and you gather people instead of waiting to be invited.
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You can't be passive.
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Just like you can't sit at home waiting for your dream man to appear in your life, you can't sit at home waiting for your dream friends to suddenly show up on your doorstep.
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It does require effort and time to put yourself out there, to get uncomfortable and probably deal with some awkward moments.
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And that's okay.
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The village isn't built by the most charismatic women.
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It's built by the most reliable ones.
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But what if you feel like you already do all of this for your current friends, but they don't do it for you?
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Well, here is a very uncomfortable truth that I learned when I went through a really terrible friendship breakup.
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And it's that you really do attract friends who meet you where you are.
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And you are the only one who gets to decide how you get treated.
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It's not completely on the other person.
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But this person talked behind my back, even though I'm such a good friend and that person lied to me and that person left me out.
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Okay.
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Then why are you still friends with them?
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You have taught them that you are okay with this behavior.
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If they are okay treating you like this in the first place, they are not going to magically wake up and change their ways.
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And trust me, they know exactly what they are doing.
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The part that I feel like we were never taught right is
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that we were always told to treat people how we want to be treated.
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And so, so many women end up pouring into other people until they have nothing left to give.
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And they wonder why those people don't pour back into them.
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Because the second part of that saying should be to walk away if it is not reciprocated.
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That's it.
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Sometimes what you want from someone, and this actually also applies to romantic relationships too, sometimes what you want from someone,
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they just can't give you.
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Either they don't want to, they don't have the ability to, or they just don't understand.
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And it is not your job to try to convince them.
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Your only job is to find people who match your energy.
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There's a study done by Jeffrey Hall showing that closeness has a literal time cost.
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It takes about 50 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become actual friends and 200 plus hours to become close.
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So in actuality, you only have the bandwidth for a handful of close friendships.
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That's exactly why you have to be super selective because your inner circle isn't just a group chat.
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Okay, it's your social home.
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So I want to share with you some friendship rules
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and boundaries that I live by that has helped me pick better friends and be a better friend myself.
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Number one, I always remember birthdays and important facts about people, especially the things they care about because they appreciate
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when you remember it shows that you actually pay attention and you listen when they are talking.
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Number two, I never tolerate disrespect or stay being friends with people who show poor character.
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Loyalty doesn't mean staying blind to how they treat you, how they treat other people, or the shady things they do.
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I am 100% a girl's girl, but if what you are doing is in bad faith, I'm just not about that.
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I'm a firm believer that even if you're not the one who's acting that way, you're being morally complicit by allowing it.
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It is still a reflection on you.
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Number three, access to me is 100% earned, just like access to them is also earned.
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What does that mean?
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That means, yes, you can be warm and inviting and welcoming, but if you are overly eager to befriend someone or if they are overly eager to befriend you,
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you need to slow things down because it's almost the equivalent to love bombing.
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You might not realize you're doing it because you're just excited, but you need to be careful and understand that if someone doesn't warm up to you immediately,
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they might just be protecting themselves too because your time, your energy, and your space is very sacred.
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You don't just invite everybody and anybody
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when you haven't gotten a clue who they really are or know anything about them yet.
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Number four, I stopped believing in low-maintenance friendships when I realized
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that I wanted friends who showed up and had my back and actually cared for me.
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Quality friendships are intentionally built and nurtured, not by convenience.
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Do you really think girlfriends who are actually so excited to celebrate you
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and plan surprise parties for you or are super enthusiastic about your bachelorette are girlfriends you never talk to, who you only hit up to vent, who you never make plans to see?
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Let's be real.
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That said, it's not about being performative.
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You can fully show up as yourself the way you want
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and they will hold space for you as you do for them.
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but it is about not being low effort.
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Number five, if I need to shrink myself to be around them, then I shouldn't be around them.
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Your growth should not threaten your friends.
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So if something feels off, it's usually because it is.
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If they can't be happy for you, if they can't support you, if they can't celebrate you, then they are not good friends for you and vice versa.
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If your friends bring up bouts of jealousy or push you to act out in a way you no longer identify with, you need to create some distance.
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Good friends can be happy for each other even if the paths you both are on looks completely different.
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And number six, a great friend isn't measured by how long you've known them.
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You could have known your bestie your whole life and realized
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that she's actually super toxic to you
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and you can meet someone new in your mid thirties and she just immediately gets you.
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Don't hold onto people longer than they are meant to stay.
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Something I realized on my own growth journey is that when you are healing and growing and changing, the beginning when you're really going through it,
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that's when you feel the loneliest.
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That's when you want like-minded friends and people you can hang out with who get you and get what you're going through.
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But let me tell you, that is not the time for you to make new friends.
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You have no bandwidth.
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You don't even know who you're becoming yet.
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Everything is kind of a mess.
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You're figuring things out.
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You don't have time for friends.
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And this growing transformation is one you sort of have to go through alone.
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You can find a helpful community online.
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You can find social media accounts to follow.
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But eight out of 10 times, you'll realize that once you move past this healing slash painful growing phase, you move past the people who are in it too.
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And that's why I always say, just focus on yourself a little longer because the people who are for you, they're on the other side already.
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They've already done the majority of the work and they're just in their refining stage.
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The growth and transformation is not yet completely done, but the majority of the work is.
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They are emotionally ready because in your growing pains phase, there's still a lot of mixed emotions.
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You might still be unhealed, might be insecure, a little jealous, a little toxic.
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The girls you meet might also be the same.
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You want to get to a point where you are actually ready to invest in friendships.
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You have to know yourself to a certain extent in order to choose who is good for you.
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That's how you meet girls who are aligned on a similar path.
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And in turn, you can turn that into long lasting, supportive and healthy friendships.
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Your friends are the family you choose and you need to vet them just as hard as you vet your romantic interests.
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Your friends influence how you see yourself, what you tolerate, what you normalize, how you spend your time, how you regulate your emotions.
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Friendship is not charity work.
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You don't go around being friends with everyone without thinking about how they affect you.
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There has to be alignment.
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Ask yourself, do I feel expanded or contracted after spending time with them?
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Can I celebrate them without resentment and can they celebrate me without comparison?
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Do they respect my boundaries without needing an explanation?
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And if those questions make you uncomfortable, good.
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That's your discernment waking up.
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I want you to do a quick friendship audit this week.
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When you hang out with your friends, do a quick vibe check after leaving that interaction with them.
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Just three categories in your notes.
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Okay.
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Nourishing.
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You leave feeling seen.
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You feel good, more yourself, more happy.
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You feel recharged, neutral, sweet people, but not really aligned to be close to you and draining.
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You leave feeling anxious, small, annoyed, irritated, or on edge.
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And here's the key.
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You don't have to cut everyone off.
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You just need to put people at the right distance because your village is built on standards, not history.
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You don't need a big circle.
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You need a safe one.
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And the moment you start choosing friendships like they matter, your life gets softer, steadier, and so much more supported.
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That's all the cake I have for you today.
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Thank you so much for watching until the end.
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I appreciate it so much.
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And if you enjoyed our little chat today, please like subscribe and leave a comment to share your thoughts and I'll see you in the next episode
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