Shadowing Practice: people you should watch out for (how to spot toxic friends) - Learn English Speaking with Video
Les maken...
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Okay, hi guys.
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Welcome back to my channel.
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Welcome to another podcast episode, okay?
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This episode, I wanna specifically be talking about people to watch out for.
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You need to carefully invest your energy in the people around you
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because I genuinely believe that we are defined by the five people that we surround ourselves with.
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Because we humans are very social creatures, okay?
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We absorb from others.
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This neuroscientist says that our brains are wired for socializing.
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They have evolved to thrive on connections with others which greatly impact our wellbeing and personal development.
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Our need for socializing is considered a primary necessity, similar to basic needs such as eating and sleeping.
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Here it goes.
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Surrounding ourselves with positive and constructive individuals can aid us in developing similar behavior patterns.
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Conversely, negative and destructive relationships can have the opposite effect.
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Hence, if you build relationships with like-minded people who are successful, also very, very motivated and very positive, you yourself are going to become like that as well.
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We are social creatures.
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We are impacted by our environment.
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The person I am today is one due to my own self-reflection, but also due to the people around me being surrounded by confident girls makes me confident.
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People who are not that confident, they'll put you down because they project it onto you.
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But a very confident, secure girl will be, yeah, girl, go off because they don't view you as a competition, especially in female friendships.
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A lot of the toxic traits are due to internalized misogyny.
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It's a very sad thing to say.
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And I think some of us don't even realize that, which I think is so important that acknowledge it
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so we can fix it because you cannot fix an issue if you do not acknowledge it.
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Right.
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In the same article, we had this exercise.
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Okay.
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When you think about the person you want to be, the people around you should be similar to who you want to become.
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I don't mean like copy and paste, but if you want to be a confident person and you want to be a disciplined person, you should surround yourself with confident and disciplined people.
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Because if you do the opposite of that, it's very hard to grow in that environment.
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A plant cannot survive in dry soil, okay?
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And you don't blame the plant, you blame the environment.
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I'm very careful with who I spend my time with because I like to spend time with people who I admire.
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They have qualities that I aspire to have or qualities that I like.
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You really look at the people around you, like do they have these traits or are they just pulling you down?
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And this really makes you think
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because sometimes we're just friends with people due to certain contacts out of necessity
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or been friends with them for a very long time.
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So sometimes you don't realize why you're friends with them anymore, especially if they are bringing negativity to your life.
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They're actually being very toxic.
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It's very appropriate to start thinking about, do I actually want this person in my life?
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When you're a friend for someone for so long, you're more honoring the history that you guys had rather than what is actually present.
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The past stays in the past.
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You gotta see what's in front of you.
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And a lot of us, once again, like I said before, believe in potential than results
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and that's not a good thing potential die need to be
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realistic here these questions are just very straightforward you just need
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to ask yourself like how do you feel about this some
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of you guys are very nice you tend to make excuses for others your friends should be loving
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and supportive and not judge you
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and a lot of you guys are like is my friend
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toxic let me just answer all this right now okay first
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of all let's define what exactly is a toxic person these individuals thrive on creating drama spreading negativity
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and draining the energy
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and happiness of those around them let me tell you something things are not always black
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and white a harsh pill i had to swallow in life is
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that there's no such thing as a bad person
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or a good person there's just gray people some people are
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more bad than good some people are more good than bad just
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because we say that they're a toxic person they're not good for your mental health doesn't automatically mean
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that they are just a horrible horrible person i'm sure they
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have done amazing things for you they are good for you
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on some aspects they have done things in the past
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that really made you happy
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because why else would you be friends with them right you know you have to weigh the pros
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and cons especially ex-friends of mine
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when I think about them there were pros it's not all just bad
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but there are just some bad things I just cannot take they were saying
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that like toxic people can be categorized into three groups okay this is very interesting
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because I never really thought of it like that
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and this author puts it in a really good way this
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is a person whom you know forever maybe you went to elementary school together
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or you were neighbors growing up now you feel guilty ending
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the relationship I think a lot of us are friends with
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people just out of obligation I get it I really valued a period of time
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that I've been friends with someone it's just something so precious.
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You get to grow up together.
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We also need to accept the fact that people change, people evolve.
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That is just natural human nature.
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I think us as humans, we just want them to stay a certain way.
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You and I change.
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You can evolve in a bad way or a good way. Who knows?
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This is a person who comes as a package with someone else in your life
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and you feel guilty because you don't want to put your person in an awkward position.
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You're just friends with this person because they're friends with one of your mutuals, right?
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Which is why for me, I don't really like to be part of friend groups.
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I had my experience of being in friend groups.
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They can get very, very messy once you're not good with one person, you kind of have to just deal with the entire friend group.
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It just causes a lot of drama for me.
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I'd rather be friends with people one on one.
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Sometimes, you know, that's just how life works.
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You're good with your mutual, but you don't really like your mutual friend.
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And that's fine that people need to not take offense to the fact that I don't want to be your friend.
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Please don't take offense to that doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
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It just means that we're not going to vibe and that's okay.
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I'm not everyone's cup of tea.
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Not everyone wants to be friends with me.
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And that's fine.
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Everyone has their preferences and I respect that because I have my own preferences for friends.
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Yeah, maybe if I really want to be friends with you and you don't want to be friends with me, I'll be a little hurt, but cool.
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I get it.
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This is a person who you see all the time in a specific area of your life.
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You feel guilty brushing them off because you see them all the time, especially in work environments.
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Oh my God, if I cut them off, I'm literally going to see them again.
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And yes, you might.
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It'll be a little awkward, which is why sometimes you have to distance them off.
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You can't make it very, very fucking awkward.
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You can't be like, I fucking hate You do XYZ, I really fucking hate you.
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Especially in the work environment.
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We gotta stay professional, right?
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Like we can't be acting like animals.
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Might be like, well, it doesn't really matter.
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Like I don't mind having toxic friends.
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Since you're watching this video, it clearly affects you having toxic friends can really affect your mental health.
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Trust me, I've been there.
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It can affect you mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically.
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It is very important to address these things to really just protect yourself.
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It can really decrease your self esteem
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because you don't get the type of support that you need within a community when you don't really feel like you're worthy.
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It can impact your day to day life.
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It can impact the moment you wake up to when you go to bed.
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It's not a good feeling to have because we as human beings, we need to feel like we're worthy.
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Some people are just energy vampires.
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They make you emotionally exhausted.
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When you're emotionally exhausted, you can't really do anything in life.
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To maintain a toxic relationship, you need energy.
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It can really impact your everyday life, such as going to work, investing in energy with other relationships that you have.
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You can't really focus at all because you're just constantly super focused on how do I deal with this toxic friend.
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Toxic people can be very manipulative, okay?
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They can get you to act in a certain way.
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They can guilt trip you.
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It can isolate you from your friends and family.
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We need to be socializing with others.
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Like, yeah, sometimes like we need some time to just isolate and really just think.
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There's a very thin line that can easily become very self-destructive as well.
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My life model is always that when you eliminate toxic people in your life, it enhances your life.
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Your life becomes way better 100%.
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Going back to the question of you guys asking me, via, is this a toxic person?
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You really need to just ask yourself, how does this make you feel?
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You got to really sit with yourself and stop making excuses for them and just ask yourself, does this make me feel like shit?
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In the article, they included some questions that you could ask yourself, they ignore your needs and don't hear a no. Something I think
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that happens a lot in my friendships can be competition
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because we live in a patriarchal society and men love hitting women against each other because that itself maintains a patriarchal society.
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So based off Google, it says
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that a patriarchal society is a social system where men hold primary power and are dominant in positions of authority, politics, economics and culture often lead to gender equality and disparities.
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So it keeps men in power when women hate each other.
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You Back then, when I was like very uninformed, I used to think this was a compliment too.
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When a man told me that I wasn't like other women, I viewed this not only as a compliment, but also affirmation that other women were part of a circle that I was distinctly detached from.
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In many ways, I longed to belong, but patriarchal conditioning had created a sense of conflict within me
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and didn't trust the company of other women to be a safe place.
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Like, I'm not like other girls.
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Like, I'm so different.
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Pick me behavior.
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You might be like, what exactly is pick me, girls?
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This term, I think, started trending on TikTok
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and Instagram recently as a girl who goes out of their way to impress boys
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and make them seem like they're not like other girls.
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Pick Me girls are prime examples of teens who have lived under the influence of gender norms
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and ended up putting down other girls in order to get attention of others.
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And that's really sad.
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There's just like these vague, stupid social expectations that are created by men.
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Girls adapt to it.
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They also view other women as emotional, manipulative, weak, or unintelligent, which is how some men view women.
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And when women view other women like that, how do you build a long-lasting friendship? actor Constance who said
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that the media pits women against one another because it helps the patriarchy stay in power.
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Really think about that.
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Why do you hate other women?
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Oh, because men hate other women.
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Girls are competing with one another to impress men, constantly one-upping.
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Like you tell them like, I just ran like, I don't know, one kilometer.
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And then this girl's like, oh my god, I ran one fucking marathon.
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Why can't you just celebrate their success?
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Because when you do that, the friendship is going to get ruined.
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And this friend of yours that you're constantly competing with, she's gonna just celebrate her success quietly.
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She's never gonna tell you.
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For a friendship to grow, you need to be happy for other people's success.
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The concept of just viewing other girls as weak and inferior, to be with the bros, it really distances yourself off from other women.
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It's just so sad because I think that woman friendship is such a beautiful, beautiful thing.
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For me, it truly taught me how to love.
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It's truly a privilege to be able to be so invested emotionally in such a deep, loving way.
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I think as a society, we like to criticize womanhood goes against fucking misogyny, right?
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When they see women bind together, men don't like that.
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They're like, you need men.
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Like the only relationship you should be valuing is a romantic relationship.
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Fuck that.
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Some girls like to be friends with guys because they're less drama.
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There's 3 billion other women on this earth.
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What makes you think that all of them are just equally alike?
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Like you saying that just fuels the societal view of women being like weak and inferior.
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And like you viewing yourself like not like other girls, it's internalized misogyny, babe.
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You hate other women, even though you yourself are a woman.
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Hold on, let me define misogyny for you guys in case you guys don't know what it means.
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Misogyny is a hatred of or prejudice against women or girls often manifested as discrimination, hostility, or violence.
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They love telling women, get married, have kids.
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Because misogyny tells women that the most enriching relationship they can have in their life is a romantic relationship with a man.
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Why is the happily ever after always with a man?
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Why can't platonic relationship mean just as much?
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I give a lot to my friends, you know?
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So I believe people like me exist.
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I do have a lot of love to give to others.
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Hence, I'm going to keep my standards high in my friendships and in my romantic relationships.
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How I treat my friends, most men cannot do that.
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My standards stay high because I exist.
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If I exist, there are someone in this goddamn universe that exists just like me.
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We cannot protect ourselves fully when you are going into a relationship such as friendships.
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There are risks with getting your heart broken in every single relationship.
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This is another gift
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that comes with aging the ability to see how a patriarchal culture encourages division amongst women
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and the experience and wisdom to choose unity instead.
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Which is why I'm making this video because I think this sort of thinking, you realize it when you get older.
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Which is something that I am also guilty of because I had internalized misogyny when I was in high school.
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I lacked self-confidence.
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I was not secure with myself.
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I was envious of others because I was not investing in myself.
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And I also did not know what internalized misogyny is until like we're older
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and I'm like shit I am part of the problem now
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if I go on and on forever um this video might end up being like hours long
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but one of them is just
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that confidence I like girls who are confident in themselves because
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that is a trait I admire in others
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and I like to be confident myself
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so of course I'm not going to be friends with people
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who are extremely self-defeating I get it like we're not all always confident
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that is just normal
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but I want to be with friends who are trying to
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be more confident they may not be putting you down that's sort of negative energy It's not good energy to have.
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There are also those people who are self-defeating and they project it onto you.
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Especially if you're confident, they will not be supportive of your confidence because when you're up here and they're here, misery loves company.
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They'll drag you down with them.
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You can see it to how they comment about other girls.
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Oh, why is she wearing that?
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That looks so bad on her.
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It's because you are so insecure with yourself.
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That's why you're judging another girl.
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Another thing is just people who never take accountability.
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I get it.
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There are really shitty people out there.
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You are just being done wrong.
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There are instances where we ourselves did something wrong.
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And I think it's very important for us to just acknowledge it instead of just constantly blaming others.
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You can tell by seeing how they talk about the past, how they talk about their ex-friends.
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And also just trauma dumping you.
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That's also just not a good sign either.
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You guys don't have anything in common besides just trauma.
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You just get super close.
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And after some time, you realize that, oh my god, this person's not who I think they are.
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That's why it takes time to get to know someone, which is why you slowly get to know people.
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I used to try to get to know people so fast.
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Because I always think that I can read people really well.
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But the thing is that you don't.
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People take time to get to know.
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You need to let time decide.
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Going back to like people never taking accountability, you can also see they never admit their wrongs or like anything bad about themselves.
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Because for me, when I look back at my past relationship, I definitely did some things wrong.
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You know, I was very immature.
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I didn't like communicating.
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I had a fear of being vulnerable.
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So when I'm vulnerable, I just immediately pull away.
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And these are just still things I try to work on.
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Just constantly being the victim in all sorts of situations is just exhausting.
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Also just like people who lack initiative, I don't really like that.
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They show little to no effort in trying to improve themselves.
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They'll just come to you and just be complaining and complaining and complaining.
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But they do absolutely nothing to improve it.
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And then they come back to you and just complaining and complaining and complaining.
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It fucks with our quality time.
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Because if I'm giving you advice and I'm listening to your problems, yes, I would love to listen to you as a friend.
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But you need to also better yourself as well.
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Like you're not bettering yourself.
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You're just constantly complaining and complaining.
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You're going to stay in that same exact spot.
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Lastly, like I said before, gossiping especially people who just out people's business left and right, especially if it's like our mutual friend.
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Obviously, it's a red flag when they're saying something negative about their friend.
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It doesn't even have to be something very, very negative.
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It's just telling people's business to me.
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I do not need to know that.
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And I realize some people they get off on that.
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They like to show that they know certain things about certain people because it makes them seem very important.
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And this shows a lack of confidence.
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Why else do you need to constantly prove yourself that you know things about Bob.
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Why do I care?
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If you are at a table and you're just constantly gossiping about others, why?
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Why is my goddamn name in your fucking mouth?
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Because you yourself are not interesting.
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You are not interesting and you have nothing to provide to the table
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because the person that you're sitting in front of are not interested in you.
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But for some reason, they're very interested in me.
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So you bring my name into the conversation.
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It's just so sad that you use the sense of trust that you have with your friends, just like throwing out there.
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Some people, they don't even do it with ill intentions.
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And I get it.
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Some people care about their friends, and they just want to bring them into the conversation, which is fine.
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But you really need to be careful about how you talk about these people.
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These days, when I see someone just gossips 24 seven, out, you're fucking out.
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I do not want to be friends with you.
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If somebody asks you about Oh, you know about Bob?
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Why can't you just keep your mouth shut about Bob?
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Why do you need to show off your knowledge?
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Is it that hard?
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I think it's human decency.
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You know all the information about others.
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It's so fucking pathetic.
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Why can't you just pretend that you don't know?
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It pisses me off because I met too many people that are like this.
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And it made me drop a lot of friendships.
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These people I do not feel emotionally safe to be around with
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because default thing is that we should always be communicative to others.
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Okay, there is a but you need to decide whether these people are emotionally safe for you to communicate.
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My hot take is that you should not be communicative to people who are narcissists and also live off of drama.
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Okay, because some people they like to see you get your hands dirty, you tell them about your vulnerabilities and want to make it into a big deal.
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And they might not even take accountability.
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You know it in your gut that the moment you confront these people, you have to have evidence.
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You have to have goddamn evidence stacked up to explain how you feel.
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A real friend should just take your emotions as given.
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I'm sorry I made you feel that way.
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I'm already hurt.
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I'm already exhausted.
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And I have to create a list of evidence to back up.
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Like, are we in court?
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Next question is how do you walk away from toxicity, right?
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First of all, you need to acknowledge it.
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You need to acknowledge if this friend is toxic and it takes time to get to know.
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And then you need to set boundaries, okay?
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Like I said before, it depends on if they're emotionally safe to be around with.
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Because some people, they might not be manipulative and they're willing to change and listen to you, then you can communicate with them.
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Telling how someone hurts you is a very vulnerable thing and it's very scary to do, right?
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Some people who are narcissistic, they will never understand.
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So you should just save your energy and walk away.
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And from my experience, people who are very narcissistic, they do not change, okay?
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It's very hard for anyone to change
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and some people might disagree with me some people might be
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like oh well everyone deserves an explanation you own this much
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in a friendship some people are abusive you slowly decrease contact this isn't about if someone
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if a friend did something wrong okay this is about a
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person's personality at least there's something wrong you just tell them they can fix
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that but if there's something wrong with them as a person it's
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so hard to bring that up being like Like you're a bad person.
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Some people cannot be reasoned with.
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You yourself in your guts just know it.
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Breaking off a toxic friend.
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It's very hard because at the end of the day, y'all were friends.
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There was a friendship.
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Get support and talk to others.
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I don't mean like gossiping about others because I think there's a big difference about talking about someone versus gossiping.
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Because if someone deeply affects you and makes you feel negative about yourself, I think that's not gossiping.
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You're just telling them because you need an outlet.
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But gossiping is just like you're talking about something that didn't even affect you.
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You just want to talk about it just to air out people's business.
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And again, when you call someone, you also have to be decisive and clear because you don't want to be wishy-washy.
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It'll be confusing for the other person.
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You have less contact with them and suddenly you jump out of nowhere and start talking to them.
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I get it.
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Like maybe you need some time to think.
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You need to be a decent human being.
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If you're going to go low contact, go low contact.
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I think with any toxic friendship, it takes a lot of healing.
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You really just need to reflect on the experience.
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You learn about your own preferences and friendships and you also learn more about yourself as a person.
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Look at the patterns in the friendship that you may want to avoid in the future as well.
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Also, it's very important to just reconnect with yourself like learn about your own needs, learn what you like and really put yourself first.
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So just invest in your hobbies, do whatever you want.
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This can really build on your own self identity, give you the confident boost that you need.
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Now that we have gotten rid of the negativity
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and the toxic people invest that energy into the people who are worth it, invest in friends and family who support you and uplift you
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because those are the people that are going to stick by you when things get rough.
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I'm always an advocate for journaling.
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A lot of us run away from our thoughts.
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And that's very bad.
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So when you journal things out, you come face to face to your struggles.
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Can I fix the toxic relationship?
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You can fix a toxic relationship.
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But like with every relationship, it takes open communication.
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It takes time.
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It takes effort.
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It can be emotionally draining.
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From my experience, people don't change that often.
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Everyone is flawed.
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You just need to see if this is a flaw you're ready to deal with.
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You need to differentiate between two things.
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Did they do something wrong?
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Because usually when it's just something that an action that was bad, that can be fixed.
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But if it's something in their core entangled with their personality, I think this is very hard because I think there's a very thin line.
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When someone does something that upsets me, I will communicate that.
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And usually that is fixed.
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Your personalities just don't mesh.
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That itself is harder to change.
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With every sort of relationship, it goes two ways.
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If only one person is willing to put in the energy to fix the friendship, it most likely won't be fixed because it's not fair for one person to just be constantly fixing and changing themselves.
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It's also very possible for both of you guys to become a better version of yourself in a relationship.
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Also make sure that you're not becoming someone you don't even fucking recognize in a bad way.
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Okay, the next question is, how can I attract healthier relationships in the future?
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Then you need to first define what does a healthy relationship even mean to you?
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We went through some bad relationships already, right?
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So you need to be like, what is something that I just do not accept?
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And what are some things that I do want?
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So you need to start with a sense of self awareness about yourself and what you like.
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It takes going through bad relationships and good relationships.
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Boundaries are so important.
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You're okay with certain things.
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You're not okay with certain things.
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You can communicate to others.
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They take it or they leave it.
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Again, some of the hardest pill for me to swallow is just that some friends are not bad.
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You're just not compatible.
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You're just not compatible on certain levels and that's fine because we all have our own preferences and friends because once again, our time and energy is limited.
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We should choose the people we want wisely.
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I presume that you can only have really deep quality friendships with five people
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or give and take whatever engage in certain interests because
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that itself leads you to like-minded people personally for me i
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get along with people who think similar to me i don't
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want someone to be exactly the same as me like our
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core values are similar you yourself need to have the qualities
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that you like in order to attract these people
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if you want to become someone who's confident who's open-minded you
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yourself need to be confident open-minded confidence doesn't come like this it takes time like these micro steps
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that you don't even realize i'm a strong believer that if If you can think it, you can become it.
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But you yourself need to really believe it.
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I have people around me that don't really believe it.
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They don't believe that they can become what they want.
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But that's the obstacle.
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If you do not believe it, you are not going to become it.
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But if you believe it and you think about it all the time, you execute it, little tiny steps, you become it.
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You fully embody what you think.
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And that makes you unstoppable.
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And for a while for me, I was losing that confidence.
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But recently, I feel like I've gained it back after doing a lot of self-reflection.
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And maybe it's because I've seen a depression and the weather's getting fucking warm.
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And I'm like, shit, I can literally accomplish anything that I freaking want.
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That is basically what I wanted to talk about for this episode.
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I think I covered a more surface level of people that you should probably avoid and watch out.
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I can go on for hours.
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I can make a part two if you guys want to see it.
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Friends and the people around you really make life worth living.
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When we're younger, it's harder to control your environment.
435
Now that I'm literally a 24-year-old adult, I have more control over my environment.
436
So for those of you guys who are younger, I get it.
437
I've been there.
438
It's harder but as you get older, things get better, trust me.
439
Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this podcast episode.
440
Let me know what you guys think.
441
I'll see you guys soon.
442
I honestly don't have a fixed schedule for these podcasts yet, but I will try to upload as frequently as possible.
443
But yeah, anyways, I love you guys and I'll see you guys all very, very soon, okay?
444
Bye!
📺 Zelfde Kanaal
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Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.