Prática de Shadowing: How not to take things personally? | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen - Aprenda a falar inglês com o YouTube
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Reviewer.com Good evening.
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Good evening.
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How are you?
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Are you good?
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Great.
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to this match.
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This match will take exactly 18 minutes.
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And you're all part of the same team.
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Mechelen.
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Okay?
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Hey guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect and positivity.
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Is that okay for everyone?
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Cool.
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Good luck.
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One year ago, I decided I wanted to become a football referee.
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Not because of the money, though.
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I only get paid 20 euros per match,
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so I won't really get rich by it, will I?
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No, I decided to become a referee for two other reasons.
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One, to stay in good shape.
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Two, because I wanted to learn how not to take things personally.
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I can see some people nodding.
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You are probably thinking being a referee is the perfect environment to learn how not to take things personally, isn't it?
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Because the spectators hardly ever shout encouraging or positive things.
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No. What do they shout?
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Come on, come on.
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Losers!
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Are you blind?
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Yeah, yeah, good.
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As a referee, I'm the scapegoat.
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Apparently, I'm always wrong.
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It's always my fault.
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And I wanted to learn how not to take all this personally.
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because I really struggle with this.
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For example, when I drive slowly because I'm trying to find a specific location and somebody is just driving behind me,
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I feel hunted, especially when they start honking and flashing their headlights.
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I take it personally.
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I know I shouldn't, but it just happens.
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Do you see what I mean?
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Yeah.
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Or when somebody counts as an appointment last minute,
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I get the feeling that I'm not important enough.
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Again, I take it personally.
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Even professionally.
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I'm a public speaker, like tonight,
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this is what I do.
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I give keynote speeches, and I really like it,
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as long as I can draw my audience into my story.
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Because the very moment I see somebody is not paying attention,
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for example, when somebody is looking at his smartphone, it just happens.
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I take it personally.
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Relax, you are safe tonight, don't worry.
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Feel free to take your smartphones and you can even start talking to your neighbor.
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I will not take it personally.
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Why not?
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Because now, here and now,
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I'm very conscious that this can happen.
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And more importantly, I have a strategy to deal with it.
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So tonight, I would like to share this strategy with you.
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Are you interested?
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Cool.
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Because I guess I'm not the only person in this room who sometimes takes things personally, right?
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Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies,
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and she replies, oh, sorry, I have to work.
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But you see a picture on social media of her having dinner with some friends that very night.
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Or imagine you really have worked very hard on a project.
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You're really proud of the end result,
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but the only thing you get is criticism.
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So you come home, and you would like to wind down and share this terrible experience,
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but while you're telling your story,
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the other one walks away to switch on the TV.
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Now, who would take one of these situations personally?
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Show me hands, come on.
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Lots of you.
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Why?
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Why do we take things personally?
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Somebody says or does something and BAM!
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We feel hurt, neglected, offended,
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betrayed by the other one.
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That's what we believe though.
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It's the other person's fault.
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He's responsible for what we feel.
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He's the one to blame.
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Now hang on, hang on.
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Who says that?
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Which part of us is speaking?
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It's our ego.
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Our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration.
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Our ego doesn't want to be criticized.
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Hell no!
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Our ego wants to be acknowledged.
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I'm right!
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Is this what you want?
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Do you want to be right?
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That's exhausting.
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When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day.
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I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world.
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and it drains my energy.
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Wouldn't it be so much easier to not take things personally?
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Because then, no one has power over you.
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You are free.
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You experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people.
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Of course, because your energy can go towards nice things instead of endlessly battling against the things that drive you crazy.
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So the question is, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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I know what some of you are thinking,
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I will make sure I will be happy by being right.
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Well, how do you do it?
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How to become happy by not taking things personally.
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You are standing at the kickoff of the match of your life,
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the match by which you will learn how to stop taking things personally.
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So as a referee, I brought my coin for the toss.
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And every coin has two sides,
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heads or tails, and they stand for two strategies.
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Two strategies to no longer taking things personally.
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sir sir good evening you are the captain of this huge team you can choose heads
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or tails okay you're lucky it's hats are you ready for
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the first strategy okay here comes first strategy it's not about
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me what do you mean it's not about me this sounds weird doesn't it
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because when I take things personally I'm convinced it is about me
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when I see someone is looking at his phone I feel offended I think hey I've put
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so much effort and time in this presentation I want respect I think me myself
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and I sounds familiar no yeah but in fact it isn't about me what
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if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective asking myself why why is he
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or she looking at his
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or her smartphone maybe he has just received an important message one he has been waiting for
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or the topic of my presentation is not really his cup of tea could be
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or on the contrary he finds it very interesting and he wants to take notes on his smartphone.
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Very smart to do that, by the way.
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I simply need to shift my focus from me to we,
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and I won't take it personally.
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If I try to see the intention of the other one,
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I make space for understanding instead of irritation.
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Does this ring a bell with you?
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When you put your son to bed,
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but he doesn't want to,
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he throws himself on the the floor,
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kicking and screaming, I hate you.
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Do you take that personally?
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No, no, you don't because you know,
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this is not about me.
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It's about what he wants, what he needs.
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He's angry because he just wants to stay up a bit longer.
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That's all.
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So the first strategy to not take it personally is it's not about me.
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Look at the other person's intention.
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When a driver is tailgating and flashing his lights,
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he probably does it because he's in a hurry.
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It's not about me.
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You see?
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It's as simple as that.
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In theory.
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Because in real life it turns out to be a hell of a job.
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Do you have any idea,
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ladies and gentlemen, how many thoughts our brain produces a day?
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50,000.
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And guess how many of them are positive?
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Only 10,000.
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So this means that 80% of what we think are negative thoughts.
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That's a lot, isn't it?
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When you see two colleagues talking to each other and just then they look at you and they start laughing,
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do you think, oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too?
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Now, what do you think?
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Darn, they're laughing at me.
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They're gossiping about me.
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So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say,
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hang on, I have no clue.
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They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me.
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So seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training.
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And that's why I became a referee.
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To train my brain, not to take things personally.
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I trained my brain an hour and a half a week,
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the entire period of a match.
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I say this for the football dummies.
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And now before the match, I'm warming up.
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Not only physically, but also mentally.
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I give myself some pep talk in the dressing room.
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Frederick, watch out.
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Lots of things will trigger you during the game.
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You're going to make decisions who some will not agree with.
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And they will shout unpleasant things at you.
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So I tell myself, Frederick, don't take it personally.
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It's not about me.
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They just want to be right.
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They simply want their team to win.
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You see, when I focus on the intention of the other person,
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there is no need to take it personally.
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When I apply this strategy very consciously,
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I admit it, I feel much more at ease on the field.
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When the coach, the players or the spectators do not agree with my decisions,
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I'm less easily thrown off balance.
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This strategy, ladies and gentlemen, works.
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Not always, unfortunately.
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Because some words they shout at me,
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like here, do really hit a raw nerve.
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You're a loser.
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Choose another hobby.
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You know what?
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Go fishing!
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Ouch.
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Maybe they are right.
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Perhaps I took the wrong decision.
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Maybe I am a loser, honestly.
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That's how I feel sometimes.
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Do you see this?
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Every coin has a flip side.
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When this first strategy, it's not about me,
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doesn't work, it simply means it is about me.
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I have to look in the mirror and question myself.
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As a beginning referee, I still feel insecure.
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Especially me, I never played soccer.
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It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity.
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I doubt about myself, or a part of myself that I haven't come to terms with.
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Do you see my point, ladies and gentlemen?
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Even if I know that a driver is only tailgating because he's in a hurry,
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I still take it personally when he hangs or he's flashing his headlights.
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So I must question myself,
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probably I was driving too slowly.
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I'm aware of it.
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I just don't like that clumsy part of myself.
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Why else would I take it personally?
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Right?
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When I say, ladies and gentlemen, you are an orange.
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Who would take this personally?
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No one, right?
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Why not?
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Because nothing in you believes that you are in fact an orange.
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An orange?
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Unless of course that you are ginger and you feel bad
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because of that which is luckily not the case with me
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but but when someone says Frederick you are
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so selfish ouch I do take it personally and it only happens
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because I know there is some tooth in it come honest I'm aware of the fact
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that I do not always take into account other people's needs when you are being criticized and it hurts,
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chances are all big that this is rooted in your childhood.
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Maybe as a child you were never good enough.
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When you came home with a nine out of ten they said,
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hey and why another ten?
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You see, you can only take things personally
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if it somehow touches a roll nerve and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy.
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Ooh, this hurts darn.
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I'm longing so hard for recognition and I feel sad if I don't get it.
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You see?
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And you can also, why not, speak up.
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Just tell the other one what's going on inside you hey I I'm in the middle of my story here
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and you you just walk away to switch on the TV it feels as
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if you you don't care about my story it's not nice
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by opening up by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one you increase the chance
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that the other one will understand you
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and take your needs into account you see what I mean
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to conclude how not to take things personally one it is not about me look at the other person's intention
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if that doesn't work to it is about me give yourself empathy
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and speak up ladies and gentlemen please pretty please do not take it personally
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but I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally within the next hours and days.
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Only if you do, you can test out these two strategies.
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Imagine, just imagine, if we could all put this in practice,
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wouldn't that enhance our relationships enormously?
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Together we could create a better world.
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Wouldn't that be great?
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And as a referee, I even earn some money by it.
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Who would also like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally?
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Show me hands.
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Show me hands.
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Oh, so many.
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Who still wants the 20 euros now?
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Who still wants the 20 euros now?
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Who still wants the 20 euros now?
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And who still wants them now?
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Why do you still want these 20 euros?
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Because it's still 20 euros.
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People may attack you, criticize you, or ignore you.
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They can crumple you up with their words,
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spit you out, or even walk all over you.
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But remember, whatever they do or say,
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you will always keep your value.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Nesta lição, você irá praticar a escuta ativa e a pronúncia em inglês, usando um vídeo inspirador sobre como não levar as coisas para o lado pessoal. Através da experiência do palestrante, Frederik Imbo, você aprenderá a lidar com críticas e a desenvolver uma atitude mais positiva em situações desafiadoras. Ao assistir e repetir as falas, você melhorará não só sua compreensão auditiva, mas também suas habilidades de conversação em inglês.
Vocabulário e Frases Chave
- Referee - árbitro
- Take things personally - levar as coisas para o lado pessoal
- Scapegoat - bode expiatório
- Fair play - jogo limpo
- Lost focus - perder o foco
- Public speaker - palestrante
- Last minute cancellation - cancelamento de última hora
- Encouraging - encorajador
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Para maximizar sua prática de conversação em inglês usando este vídeo, considere as seguintes dicas:
- Shadowing: Pratique a técnica de shadowing, repetindo as falas do palestrante quase simultaneamente. Isso ajudará a melhorar seu ritmo e entonação. Tente seguir o tom leve e introdutório de Frederik, que incentiva uma conexão emocional com o público.
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