Практика Shadowing: Attachment theory is the science of love | Anne Power | TEDxWaldegrave Road - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube
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Rebekah Srinivasan Reviewer
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Rebekah Srinivasan Reviewer
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The story I'm bringing you today is about an idea.
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It emerged in this city, London, 100 years ago.
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It's been refined by thousands of research studies,
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and today it's buzzing on social media platforms around the world.
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What's this idea that goes on spreading?
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It's about love.
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You may say, there are no new ideas about love.
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And I would say, this isn't romance, it's science.
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Attachment theory sees love as part of our evolutionary design
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And the term attachment describes a particular kind of close bond between two people,
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the kind of connection that when they're together, they feel safe.
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And when they're apart, they may feel lost.
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I believe an understanding of attachment theory can make a profound difference to the way we love
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and to the way we allow others to love us.
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I hold this conviction from two sources,
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25 years as a therapist,
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helping people repair their early attachments,
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and 65 years as an individual making sense of my own attachment story.
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Today I would like to give you three takeaways about attachment,
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but first let's begin that story into the origins of the theory.
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Let me take you to the 1930s,
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to North London, to an elite professional group, the Institute of Psychoanalysis.
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There's a new member in the group,
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John Bowlby, but he's not fitting in.
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His mind is too scientific to win friends here,
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yet within a few decades his ideas will be known and studied in universities around the world.
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And in the 21st century,
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they're popping up in our news feeds,
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influencing how we raise our children and work on our relationships.
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believed all behavior makes sense in context.
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It's a belief that can inspire curiosity and respect for our own behavior
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and for the behavior of those around us and it inspired Bowlby to make sense of the parent-child bond.
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We're looking at an image from a 1930s experiment where a baby monkey has been taken from his real mother
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and placed in a cage.
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There are two options in the a wire mother who can provide milk,
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and a cloth mother who has no milk,
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but whose softness provides a crumb of comfort.
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The experiment showed that the monkeys chose the cloth mother every time,
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and they only reach for the wire mother when they really need to feed.
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Bowlby studied these experiments, and he noticed that young creatures attach to their caregiver.
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They attach to the one who provides safety and comfort.
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And he stressed that this attachment to a supportive other is not just for babies.
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We all need someone to whom we can turn,
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whose presence soothes us when we're troubled.
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Bowlby saw evolution at work.
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This bonding behavior is so deeply embedded in us because it supports survival of the species.
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His team noticed that human infants,
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like the baby monkeys, adapt their behavior to get the best care in their given situation.
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So let's imagine two different homes and see how the babies there are coping.
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If my mum only rouses from her depression,
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when I make her hue and cry,
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then that's what I'll learn to do.
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In the next door house,
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the baby is an equally quick learner,
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but his mum has a different character.
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she's not comfortable with feelings,
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so this little boy will adopt a different strategy.
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To get the best care from his mom,
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he'll learn to keep his feelings under wraps.
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Attachment researchers would say that the first child who amplifies feelings is developing an anxious attachment strategy,
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and the second child who minimizes is more avoidant.
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Now, at this point, Those of you who are parents might be thinking,
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what hope for us, we're doing our best.
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And perhaps just as adults,
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you might be thinking, what if our own parents had emotional struggles when we were young?
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But I don't want to give you the feeling that these two children are going to have terrible lives.
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They're not.
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They're normal kids, and many of us are a bit like one of these.
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But if they're going to have fulfilling relationships,
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then they will need to unlearn some of that early training.
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But now back to our story.
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We've reached the 1950s, and attachment theory is coming into conflict with the establishment.
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You may not know that hospitals did not always allow parents to stay alongside their children on the wards.
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In the austere regime of 50s Britain,
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Visiting was kept to one hour a week on a Sunday.
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Staff were so convinced of the rightness of this,
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they allowed one of Bulby's collaborators to film a two-year-old as she was admitted to hospital.
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Picture her alone, with no parent by her side.
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The subsequent black and white footage was so poignant,
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it allowed campaigners to achieve a complete change in the rules.
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But the campaign was still a struggle because we find change difficult and we find it hardest when we feel insecure.
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And that leads to the next slide.
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Safety enables learning.
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When we feel secure and confident,
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we're free to learn and explore.
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When we feel threatened, learning goes out the window.
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Let's imagine a young girl in the park playing and exploring like the two boys.
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A huge dog comes along and scares her.
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What happens next?
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She runs for her parents.
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Fear has switched on her primitive brain.
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And in attachment terms, this secure child is seeking her parents
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because the closeness with her parents will literally change her body chemistry.
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And then she can return to her games.
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And these pathways between anxiety and reassurance exist in us as adults too.
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If we trust our attachment person,
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the soothing can be quite easy,
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a touch, a text, a look.
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And when we feel safe again,
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our brains can return to full functioning.
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Now we've come to the current chapter in our story.
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And this chapter, I think if it was in a textbook,
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it might be entitled
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the application of attachment theory to the adult couple bond
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so I don't know if there's any couples here whether
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that you identify with that title
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but let's let's see what what what's happening now in the world of attachment John Bowlby always stressed
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that attachment was a need from cradle to grave but his own focus was more on that parent-infant bond.
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Researchers who came after him studied the adult-adult bond and they found the same key markers of attachment,
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which means that two people seek closeness when they need protection and they protest when they're separated,
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whether that's the small separation that might happen in a disagreement or the ultimate separation of death.
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And just as with children,
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if the bond is secure,
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a secure bond in adults provides two key functions,
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a place of safety and a platform for growth, because safety enables learning.
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You remember the two groups who struggled to manage their feelings.
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The avoidant group who need to keep things under wraps,
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and the anxious group who wanted out on the table.
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What happens if you put those two into a couple together?
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Some of you might know the answer to that.
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But another psychologist, Susan Johnson,
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has studied this in detail.
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And she's noticed how these two characters trigger each other.
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And in fact, they get into a very unhappy dance,
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a kind of loop where they're stuck.
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By describing the more anxious partner as a pursuer,
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and the more avoidant as a withdrawer,
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she has created a new map.
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And the map shows us what's been hidden.
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And the thing that's been hidden behind the embittered exchanges are the precious,
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vulnerable feelings that connect to people.
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Once couples can read their own map,
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they can see that their partner's behavior makes sense in context.
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And when the blaming stops,
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learning can begin because safety enables learning.
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And by the way, this is equally good news for single people
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because coming to terms with our attachment patterns is a great preparation for all close relationships.
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And for those of us who are parents,
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Whether our children are still young or fully grown,
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this understanding can deepen connection,
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and if repair is needed,
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it can help with that too.
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But most of us know that it's one thing to understand a pattern and another thing to shift it,
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and that takes us to our final takeaway.
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Slow down for the bump,
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slow down for safety and learning.
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Some of the biggest bumps and triggers we meet in our lives come from our own attachment losses and longings.
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It could be bereavement, betrayal, rejection.
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Some of the most common triggers come from within us.
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It could be a mean,
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self-critical voice that puts us down.
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How can we help ourselves weather these bumps when our attachment person is not available?
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Learning to pay mindful attention to the self is a great help with difficult feelings.
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When we're triggered, our breathing and heart rate speed up, that's the adrenaline.
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If we can learn to slow those down,
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we create a window where we can look with curiosity and respect on our troubled feelings.
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And that will give us a chance to interrupt the fight-flight mechanism before it sends us into attack or retreat.
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So that's our final takeaway.
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But let's recap on the three with the last slide.
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All behavior makes sense in context.
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Safety enables learning.
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And slowing down can create that safety.
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So let's learn to use a slow out breath to soothe our heart rate.
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As our reactions soften, our curiosity can grow.
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Curiosity brings openness to the other.
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Openness brings vulnerability.
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And vulnerability is the heartbeat of all intimate relationships.
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And this is why attachment theory is the science of love.
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Thank you.
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