Практика Shadowing: what it’s like being dependent on fentanyl - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube

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Hello, it is PA Overwatch and today I'll be talking about my experience being addicted to prescription fentinyl. So since I'm not monetized yet, I'll be actually saying fentinyl and not censoring it. I hope that by not censoring this medication, I'll be emphasizing the impact it has on my life because by censoring it, I'll be minimizing the impact and severity of this situation. First of all, I would like to clarify that I'm on this medication because I had a tumor on my neck. It was a desmoid tumor the size of a baseball on the back of my neck which caused me severe severe pain. Fentinyl is usually prescribed to cancer patients going through a lot of pain with the treatment and also the tumor affecting nerves and muscles. Cancer is a very painful thing to go through. So by utilizing things like fentinyl, morphine, hydromemorphone, things like that, it helps decrease the pain and improves the quality of life of a cancer patient. I also want to clarify that when I say addicted to fentinol, I mean completely chemical and in my body. I am chemically addicted to this medication and if I don't take it, I go through withdrawals. For me personally, I'm on fentinyl. It's a patch and it comes in a packaging like this. I open it and I stick it onto a place on my body and for me that's my chest. How it works is it goes through your body through the patch and it usually goes in a lot slower than taking a pill for example. I'm also on morphine and that's for any breakthrough pain that I have that the fentinyl doesn't you know cover. I also want to note that using fentinyl prescribed for pain, severe pain or something of that sort is completely different than fentinyl addiction that's on the streets. It's a lot different, but it is the same medication.

There's going to be multiple parts in this video. The first part is the context. The second part is how it affects me. Third part is going to be about my thoughts and also how long I might be on this prescription. So, this is the first part. Why I'm on fentinyl.

In 2023, I was diagnosed with a desmoid tumor. Online, I usually say I had cancer. It is so similar to cancer because it acts exactly the same, but is neither benign nor malignant. It basically grows super fast, so it can't be benign, and it's not cancerous, so it can't be malignant. The reason why I said I had cancer is because of the survival rate of the tumor I had.

because it was on my neck, it could have easily stopped air flow to my body and I could have died and it was very very large. So when I say that I had cancer is so more so that people can quickly understand what I went through because my experience is typical to a cancer patient because I was on chemotherapy and also I had a very high chance I would not survive. So that's the main reason why I say that I had cancer and just to clear that up basically. But in videos like this where it's more long form and I'm explaining more of my experience basically I want to be more transparent honest about my medical stuff. Despite this being a public place I choose to share this information with you guys so that it might help or bring some awareness to the subject. So because of my tumor, it was on a lot of nerves and muscles that was giving me extreme amount of pain. I've been on oxycodone, morphine, hydromemorphone, fentinyl, and probably a lot more. So those are the medications I've been on that are controlled substances. I also take muscle relaxers and lidocaine patches. These are the medications that help me throughout my journey with the desmoid tumor. I have extreme pain and it's constant. It doesn't end. It doesn't get better. It's just constantly painful. And because of that, I need a medication that provides me relief completely throughout the day, 24 hours in the day. And before I was taking long acting hydromorphone, but that became unavailable to get atarmacies. So I they put me on fentinyl to help with my long acting pain relief. So basically, I have the fentinel patch. I put it on and then in 3 days I have to put a new one on.

And I put it somewhere in my body. I put it on my chest and it will give me some of that pain relief throughout those three days. And it's really important to have pain relief because in the morning I wake up in a lot of pain since I haven't had my morphine at night. So the morphine I use is usually to help with breakthrough pain and also with any like pain that I get that's not covered by the fentinyl. So what I mean by that is that I take the morphine when I have any extra pain or if I feel like I need to.

For example, sometimes I go through morphine withdrawals and sometimes I just need to take it. I think that fentinyl has helped me out immensely with my pain and I will always be thankful for fentinyl because of that reason because all of those days when I was in a lot of pain I would take fentinyl and it would make me feel so much better and I would be able to have a better quality of life and that's the most important thing in having a tumor like I had was having a good quality of life and being able to do the things you do every day. I was actually put on fentinyl um only about a year ago I would say and ever since then I've been using it but it's very very hard to get it at the pharmacy so I have to go to my hospital to go and pick it up because a lot of times they don't have it in stock they don't have it like available and it's very hard to get it so I usually go I have to travel from where I live to my hospital which is about an hour and a half away and I have to do that once a month which is a little bit annoying, but like I think it's worth it because I really need this medication. I'm not saying that fentinyl was a bad part of my journey. I'm not saying it didn't help me. It completely helped me and I really really am grateful for that. I do want to talk about some negative parts about being on fentinyl that I feel like some people would value having the awareness of. And I think it's really important to be transparent about this medication. I'm not going to say it's completely amazing. It's great. I'm not going to say that. This is the second part of the video, how it affects my daily life. So, if you're coming from my video on Tik Tok, this is kind of the long form version of what I posted.

Being on fentinel and being addicted to it chemically means I go through withdrawals. And that's really, really important to show how it affects me because if I miss even just a day or two of being on this medication, then I go through serious withdrawals that affect my quality of life completely. It almost feels like I'm a fish out of water, but I don't understand that I need water.

So, it's very painful. Like, it feels like I'm drowning, but it also feels like I'm missing something that I need so desperately. I can't like wrap my head around what I need in that moment because I know it's chemical. I need I need my my prescription. So, it's not even like being hungry. It's not even like thinking of the act of putting on my medication. It's literally just wanting something that I don't have. And it's painful. I end up staying in my chair. I sometimes can't even get out of bed, but I stay in my chair at my PC and I think to myself, I can't move. I can't do anything. It feels almost like my body has so much weight to it and it feels like I can't even move a muscle. I end up staring at my phone just doing whatever I feel like I have the energy to do and I can't even like I can't even post a video. I can't even edit a video.

I can't even answer phone calls, answer emails. I'm literally stuck in this state where I can't think, where I feel no energy, and I feel just defeated. So, I end up just sitting in my chair the whole day looking on social media, just doom scrolling, just that anything that I have the energy to do at that time.

And it's hard for me to make food for myself. It's hard for me to even go to the bathroom, for example. And it's just like so so tiring and painful. I sit there for hours. I can't even understand the concept of time. It's terrible. And even if I wanted to play video games with my friend, I don't have the mental or energy to go through that. And on top of that, I'm experiencing pain because fentinol is to help with my pain that I get from my tumor. So when I'm off of it, I get extreme amounts of pain. So I sit there just immense amount of pain that's constant, never ending. And being in withdrawals, I can't move, I can't do anything, is so so horrible. I don't wish that on my worst enemy. And the worst part is that I can't even explain this to people. I can't even explain, oh yeah, I'm on fentinel and I was withdrawing, so I couldn't do anything that day. If someone asks, "Oh, why didn't you pick up the phone?" I don't want to say, "I was in immense suffering." Like, that's crazy. like, "Oh, why didn't you hang out with me the other day? I was suffering. I was immensely suffering." Like, that's not something you would really tell someone or explain to someone. And it's very, very isolating going through this alone.

Like, I have to just fight this battle by myself because most people won't understand ever this feeling that I get being in these withdrawals. It is the most painful thing ever because I feel so alone and isolated. And I just wish for someone to understand what I'm going through. And this is like partly the reason why I'm making this video is because I want people to understand this is the reality of being on a medication like this. And I don't want to be suffering through this alone anymore. I want to put this out there because what if another person is feeling the way I felt like going through this alone, not being able to tell anybody and they see my video and they they they realize that people go through this too. Like people go through something that most people in their life don't have to face. There's someone else going through it too. I post videos about these topics because I when I go through them, where are these videos? Where are these videos to help me not feel alone? I decided to be the change that I need. And I think that's why I started making videos like this because I want to help people. But my quality of life when I go through these withdrawals are terrible. And I almost feel like I'm not even a human and I'm lacking and I'm so shameful of myself.

Because think about it, cleaning your room, making food for yourself, those are morally neutral things. Doing those things don't make you a good person. Not doing those things don't make you a bad person. So why do I feel so shameful not being able to do those things when I know in my I know in my head those are morally neutral things. It doesn't make me a good person to clean my room, but why does it feel so awful when my room's messy and I can't do it? And why do I feel so shameful that I can't? But it's not. It's just you have to be kinder to yourself. And I have to be kinder to myself to know that I didn't clean my room cuz I'm going through something very, very painful and scary. And at least I can be kind to myself to do those things. And when I finally do, it's almost like I'm putting myself back together. As I'm putting away my clothes, as I'm cleaning my area, cleaning my dishes, I feel like I'm putting myself back together when I couldn't. I'm taking care of my past self that couldn't do those things. And in telling myself that I will do these things for myself when I feel fit, too.

but creating space for myself for when I couldn't and knowing that I'll be able to do this when I'm better so you can relax when you're suffering when you're going through something. The same goes with depression and mental health issues. You're taking care of yourself as someone who is now able to do that and being kind to yourself in the past, telling yourself that when you feel good that you'll take care of your past self.

It's very important to give yourself space to feel those things and feel sad because in the future when you feel better, you'll you'll be creating that space by taking care of yourself afterwards.

The other downside is when I'm running out of my fentinel and I have to go pick it up at the pharmacy, which is my hospital pharmacy. And it's really stressful because in the past sometimes I wasn't able to pick it up and I was going through withdrawals and I was under so much stress in order to pick up my medication and I didn't know what to do. I don't have someone to pick it up for me. I have to pick it up myself. I'm completely independent. I am so stressed because I'm going through what I explained before those withdrawal symptoms and now I have no ways of feeling better. And I sometimes didn't even know how I'm going to get there, how I'm going to pick it up, if the pharmacy will even have it. The reason why I started going to my hospital was because there were so many instances of me not being able to pick it up at my regular pharmacy and I would experience such crazy withdrawals and I was so under so much stress because I didn't know how to get them. I didn't know what to do. I can't even explain the amount of trauma I went through trying to get my prescription and not being able to get it because I had I had nobody. I don't really want to talk about that because I don't want it to just be a complete pity party about that. But I do want to say that was another part of stress I had to go through with my prescription. Those are the main things I struggle with with fentinyl medication. And I feel like it's very very important to talk about not only the good parts about it, but the bad parts. Here's the third part. My thoughts about fentinel and also will I ever get off of it. So, I've I've been on multiple treatments for my tumor.

I've been on some of the more experimental treatments and chemotherapy. Chemotherapy worked the best for me and I've been on three chemotherapy sessions. And honestly, I don't want to go back on chemo. I don't.

But I know I will eventually have to because my tumor, it just continues to grow. It's at a point where it's manageable now, and I don't really need to do chemo unless it becomes more painful and bigger. But right now, I'm kind of in that weird position. So, because my tumor is never going to disappear. It's only going to get smaller, but then bigger and bigger again. I will always be on some sort of pain medicine, whether it be fentinyl, morphine, whatever future medications I'll be on. I went to the pain doctor recently and I asked them, "Will I always be on these medications?" And they didn't want to say it, but I knew kind of what they meant. They kind of said that as my pain gets better, I'll be on less. As my pain gets worse, I'll still be on it. But they didn't want to say for sure that I'll never be on it again. So the thing is that's the reality of it. I'm gonna be on these medications as long as I have pain, as long as I have this tumor. And that's literally in the air. I don't know. I don't know if it'll go away completely or if it'll get bigger again that I have to get more chemo. We don't know. We don't know. And that's scary. And I'll continue to use fentinel as long as I'm I'm in pain. But as of now, I don't see myself getting off of it. My thoughts about fentinel are only about the medication and nothing about substance abuse. I have never once abused fentinel because I am so so scared of not being able to be on this medication because I am only able to function because of this medication. And if there is any chance that it can be gone, I won't have it and I will be in pain. I will make sure that I will always be able to use this and not ruin my chances. I honestly have never once thought to use another patch.

I never once thought to use more to get myself in a different state of mind because I use it purely to survive. So, my experience is being chemically addicted and I hope you guys understand with my explanation and hopefully it brings some awareness and enlightenment to some people who may be on it or may not be on it. Maybe you have a similar experience with a different medication.

I just want you guys to know you're not alone and maybe you learned something that you might have not known. Thank you for watching my video. I post on every Wednesday every week and I also post on Tik Tok very frequently so you can follow me there. But I hope I will continue shedding light to these situations and my own experiences so you guys can start to feel a little bit better and you can be more kind to yourself. And even if you have nothing to do with what I've been talking about, be nice to yourself and take care. Bye.

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