Shadowing Practice: 7 Surprising Habits that Changed My Life in My 30s - Learn English Speaking with Video
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My name is Mark Manson and I'm old.
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I'm also a three-time number one New York Times bestselling author
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and over the last 20 years I have taught millions of people practical psychological tips to improve their lives
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and here are seven habits that I accidentally adopted after 30 that ended up completely changing my life.
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And number five, you're gonna be surprised how obvious it is once you hear it.
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Number one, never break the exes.
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And no, I don't mean your ex-girlfriend.
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This is actually a concept that comes from Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian and famous actor.
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When he was asked about his writing habits, he said that it was very simple, that he would sit down for like an hour or two a day, and basically if he wrote anything,
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anything at all, if he wrote a single word, he would draw an X on his calendar.
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And he said his only goal is to never break the X's, to have every day on his calendar filled with an X.
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So all he has to do is just sit down and write something every single day.
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And as I've gotten older, I've discovered the wisdom in this in so many areas of my life that consistency beats intensity nine times out of 10.
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See, when you're young, you don't know anything.
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So you assume that the way people became really successful
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or famous or super ripped is that they found some secret technique or process or idea that nobody else knows.
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And then that was the tip.
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That was the thing that like pushed them through and made them excel.
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But what you discover as you get older is that nobody really knows what they're doing.
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It's just the people that do something every single day over an extremely long period of time who become exceptional at it.
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Now, never breaking the exes becomes especially important as you get past 30 because life gets more complicated.
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You have more obligations, more responsibilities, more relationships.
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I mean, you've probably got a partner, you might have kids, you might have a house, you've got car payments, insurance payments,
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you've got aging parents, you've got a career that's demanding more and more time from you.
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There's a lot to juggle.
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There's a lot going on.
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And so you don't have the time or the privilege to sit around
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and consider what your two and a half hour workout routine is going to look like this week.
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No, like just the fact you got in the fucking gym is a win.
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I went through this recently.
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So like at the end of last year, I injured my foot.
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I had a small micro fracture in my foot.
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I couldn't work out for like three or four months.
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And this was the first time in probably at least five years
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that I went for an extended period of time without exercising.
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And holy shit, it is so hard to come back.
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It's so hard to come back.
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Once you lose that habit, it's so much more difficult to rebuild that habit than it is to break it.
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So once I started exercising again i did the same thing everybody does i went online
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and i found a new exercise routine
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and i talked to a friend of mine that was a coach
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and then i got on chat gbt and i built like a fitness coach
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and chat gbt and i had all these workout plans
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and diet plans and all this shit not realizing
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that i'm 42 i don't have time for workout plans anymore i have two companies I'm working like 60 hours a week.
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I don't have time for your fucking 15 rep bullshit.
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What ended up working is I didn't break the X's.
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I finally hit a point where I'm like, you know what, dude, just work out 20 minutes a day.
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It could be a walk around the block.
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It could be lifting those little five pound weights that my grandmother lifts.
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It could be like swimming in the ocean for 20 minutes with a friend.
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Like just do something 20 minutes a day.
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Don't break the X's and eventually good things are going to start happening.
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And that was the thing that got me back into shape.
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And actually what we'll see is that number four made this 10 times easier.
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Habit number two is defaulting to no. This one was huge for me
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and this is one that I still struggle with from time to time, but I think I'm getting a lot better at it, which is that any opportunity that comes around, any invitation that gets sent my way,
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any networking thing, introduction, anything, The default answer is no until proven otherwise.
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Now, this is advice that I would not give to somebody in their 20s.
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If you're in your 20s, your default answer should be yes.
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But let me explain why.
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When you're in your 20s, you don't really have anything going on.
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You don't know who you are.
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You don't know what you like.
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You don't know who you want to spend your time with yet.
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Everything's new.
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Everything's exciting.
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And honestly, you benefit more from gaining new experiences then you lose an opportunity cost of having those experiences.
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So for example, when you're 23
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and a handful of friends invite you on this crazy trip to Mexico to go skydiving or something, like you should just default to yes, because fuck it.
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You've never been to Mexico.
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You've never been on a trip with your friends and you've never been skydiving.
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So you might as well go find out what all that stuff is like.
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And you're probably like working as a barista at a Starbucks anyway.
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So who gives a shit?
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Like, just go.
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But when you're in your 30s or your 40s
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and a bunch of friends invite you to go skydiving in Mexico First of all, you got to explain
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that to the wife Then you got to explain it to
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your boss Then you got to explain it to the bank
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Then you got to explain it to your insurance broker
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because you're about to risk your fucking life for no good reason There's a lot at stake
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and you've built quite a bit of a life for yourself
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And your time is extremely scarce So for all those reasons the math flips
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Now pursuing new experiences becomes more of a liability than it is an asset.
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Because what you discover in your twenties is that most new experiences don't lead anywhere.
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They're just kind of novel experiences.
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I remember I was talking to my friend, Derek Sivers, brilliant musician, writer, startup founder.
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And he moved to Singapore a number of years ago.
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He had a pretty big blog audience at the time.
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And so, you know, he's like, oh, I'm moving to a new city.
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I'm just going to put on my blog, like, hey, I'm new in Singapore.
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Anybody who wants to have coffee, just let me know.
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And so he literally said yes to like 50 coffee invitations.
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And he told me, he said he went on and had 50 coffees with 50 strangers.
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And I asked him, I said, how many of those people actually turned into friends or like really valuable business connections?
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And he was like, yeah, none, actually.
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it's like i think i just wasted like 50 afternoons
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which like i don't want to say meeting new people is wasting an afternoon
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but what you start to realize the older you get is
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that you have to get choosier on who you spend your time with
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because at this point you found the handful of things in your life
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that you really care about and the things
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that feel very meaningful to you anytime you spend time
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or energy not focusing on those things you are taking away time and focus from those things.
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There's a real opportunity cost.
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Basically, the point here is
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that every yes is actually a hidden no for all sorts of things that you can't see at the moment.
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By saying yes to one thing, you are saying no to all the other things that you could spend that time doing.
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Now, here's the reason this one gets really hard.
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And I think a lot of people struggle with this one, including myself.
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It's that the quality of things that you have to turn down rise in proportion to the quality of your life.
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So like, for example, these days, if somebody comes to me, proposes something to me that like I would have said yes to when I was 20, it's a very easy no for me.
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Like it is, I don't have to think about it.
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It's super simple.
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Just like, no, that's not worth my time.
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But that's because I've had 20 years to figure out that that's not worth my time.
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The problem is, is that I am getting all sorts of new proposals and opportunities and connections, the things that are not worth my time,
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but they're new to me and they are happening at a similar level that I'm at now.
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And so it's actually extremely difficult to say no to those things.
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As you progress through life and as you build up your life, the things
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that you're going to have to say no to are also going to rise in proportion to the quality of your life.
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Meaning that this is a skill that never gets easier.
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It just has to always be practiced.
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Habit number three, if you think about somebody, reach out to them.
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This is one that has been very important for me and one that I'm still trying to adopt and implement.
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So last year, we did an entire solved episode on friendship
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and particularly why friendships seem to get much harder as you get older.
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And there's a lot of reasons why.
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But the biggest one is, is a lot of what I described in the last habit, is that everybody has a lot going on.
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Everybody has a lot of obligations.
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Everybody's time is valuable.
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And so everybody is saying no a lot more often.
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And when people are saying no a lot more often, it can be hard to maintain connections and friendships.
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The biggest factor in equality of a friendship is the frequency of exposure.
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And it just in this day and age, it is hard to get frequent exposure to the same person over a long period of time, especially if you're in your 30s and 40s.
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I think the biggest thing that I've learned about friendship as an adult is that adult friendships don't end in fights.
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They don't end in drama.
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They end in unsent texts, missed birthdays, canceled plans.
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Because the problem is these little moments, you know, like going and grabbing coffee with somebody
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or meeting up after work for a happy hour or driving across town for somebody's birthday.
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It's very easy to blow these things off because each one in a vacuum seems like just a small event.
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And you're like, I'll catch them next time.
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But what you don't realize is that if you're blowing off these small events, like 50% of the time,
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you're eroding away that connection and that intimacy with that person.
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And it can be very hard to get that back.
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You have to be very intentional about it.
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And the thing that I've been really bad about around this is that like, I'll think of somebody and I'll be like, man, I'd love to hang out with that guy.
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I haven't seen him in a while, but then I'll sit there and I'll think, and I'm like, yeah, but we don't really have anything to do.
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And so then I kind of just sit around waiting for a reason for us to get together.
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And then of course, that's how a relationship dies.
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It's just two people sitting around silently waiting for a reason for them to see each other again.
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So with people, the default habit is reach out.
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With events, connections, new experiences, the default answer is no. But really quick, this video is sponsored by Paperlike.
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So here's a habit that almost made the cut.
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I started writing by hand again.
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It started with just a few notes, some journals, some dumb ideas at 2am, but there was something about slowing down and forming actual letters that,
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I don't know, just like makes me think clearer.
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The problem though is that I live on my iPad and my iPhone and typing on glass feels like nothing, which is where today's sponsor comes in, Paperlike.
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Paperlike is a screen protector that makes writing on your iPad feel like real paper.
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There's an actual texture to it.
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They call it a nano dot surface so your Apple Pencil will grip to it instead of sliding around on the glass.
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And it's thin enough that the pencil stays precise.
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Their new butterfly application system also fixed the worst part of any screen protector, getting it on without trapping 100 dust bubbles underneath.
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It literally walks you through it right on the screen.
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It comes with a 100-day money-back guarantee, so there's no risk if it's not your thing.
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The link is in the description.
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Now, back to the list.
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Habit number four, quit drugs and alcohol.
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Now, I hate to sound like your mom, but that shit fucks up your brain.
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I've done a lot of videos about quitting alcohol on this channel.
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Ironically, I actually find myself coming back to alcohol right now.
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I will save you the lecture because everybody has heard it at this point.
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I do think it's incredibly important as an adult to be able to go for extended periods without any sort of substance,
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whether it's alcohol or drugs or marijuana or whatever.
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Find that relationship with yourself, understand your relationship with the substance.
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Understand how it affects you, what it adds to your life, and what it detracts from your life.
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The time for us to all fuck around and jerk each other off, that's gone.
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Dude, you're 30.
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You can't just be taking a bunch of molly and jerking off a dude in a club bathroom.
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Those days are behind you, or at least they should be, I hope.
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I don't know where you're watching this video right now.
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The point is, is that you have to be intentional because again, there are stakes now.
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You have responsibilities, obligations, you have goals, you have dreams, you have like real impactful shit that you could be working on,
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that you could be doing with your time at this age.
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And so if you're just getting fucked up and convincing yourself that it's like for some great spiritual reason, like you might actually be doing a lot of damage.
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And in my case, like I used alcohol is kind of a form of avoidance
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and a numbing agent for dealing with a lot of uncomfortable situations in my life.
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Quitting alcohol forced me to confront a lot of the reality around some of that behavior.
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Not drinking for over three years was like incredibly powerful in terms of just gaining a better understanding of myself
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and my emotions and like what I want for my life and my social life and my relationships.
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But now as I return to alcohol, I'm able to be a lot more conscious about when I'm drinking it, when I'm not drinking it, why I'm drinking it, and to what extent I'm going to drink it.
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And I will say as somebody who has tried almost every substance you could imagine,
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anything you tell yourself that you're benefiting from these substances, you're probably exaggerating those benefits to yourself because it's easier to justify the thing
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that makes you feel really good than to admit that it's not really doing anything for you at all.
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habit number five buy your time back this one has been really hard for my wife
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and it's been really interesting trying to get her to do it i what i find is
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that people who are really tight with money struggle really hard with this one
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and again it's one of those things
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that like life changes as you age it becomes different as
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you become more successful more financially secure This stuff changes a lot
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and you have to like rewire how you approach certain areas of your life.
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So look, when you're young and you're broke, yeah, you need to be like dumpster diving
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and scrounging the bottom of bargain bins and like finding an old couch on Facebook marketplace.
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But then once you start making a decent amount of money and you've got a good job and you've got some savings,
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something interesting happens, which is that sometimes saving money is actually more expensive.
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Now let me give you an example because my wife and I, we fucked this up many, many times.
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So let's say you're moving into a new apartment and you need to furnish the apartment.
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And so you're like, well, I don't want to spend like $2,000 on a couch.
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Let me check out Facebook marketplace.
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And sure enough, you find a great couch and it's only like 800 bucks.
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And you're like, oh my God, I'm saving so much money.
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So then you contact the person on Facebook marketplace.
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They're really hard to deal with.
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They live on the other side of town.
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Their communication sucks coordinating is a pain in the ass.
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It takes forever to actually get out there, get the couch.
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But then you realize the couch doesn't fit in your car.
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So you need to rent a truck.
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But then also you're not strong enough to lift the couch.
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So then you got to go get a friend and you find a Saturday, you get the friend, you go get the couch.
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Turns out the couch has got like stains and tears all over it.
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And so then you end up fucking haggling with the guy.
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It takes an hour and everybody's angry at each other.
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And so then you get the couch and you still feel like you're getting a good deal.
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But now you get into the truck, you get it back to the house, you get it in the house and then you have to call the cleaning guy.
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But the cleaning guy is booked out for three weeks
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and then the cleaning guy shows up and he does a shitty job.
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And it turns out that one of the tears is like way deeper into the fabric.
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And so you have to like contact the manufacturer
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and get another pillow because the pillow is like a fucking custom pillow
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that they only make in Italy and nobody's ever made.
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Nobody's made it in the last 12 years.
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And so now you're like on the phone on hold trying to talk to an Italian guy who doesn't even speak English.
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And you're like, why am I even talking to this guy?
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Anyway, you have not saved anything.
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You have wasted so much fucking money
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because you have now spent 20 hours on a couch
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that you didn't even like in the first place just because you wanted to save $1,200.
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Saving money becomes more expensive.
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You see this in all sorts of industries and different products and services you can buy.
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There's a reason things cost more.
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It's because they last longer.
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It's because they're better made it's because they require less maintenance it's
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because they have better customer service all of those things save you time
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and at some point you have to price your own time you have to decide
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that 10 hours of my time is not worth saving a thousand dollars
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because 10 hours of my time that's a whole extra day
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of work that's like a whole extra day of me spending time with my friends
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and family like this is this is the insanity guys is
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that people they'll go out partying with their friends
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and they'll spend a thousand dollars in a single night yet
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they will waste weeks trying to save a thousand dollars on
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a couch the math is not mathing you have to start viewing time as the ultimate currency in your life
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and the money is only there to serve the purpose of the time
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and by the way there are certain professions you really don't want to save money i mean like
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when you hire a plumber
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and your toilet's exploding you should not be looking to cut costs on
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that plumber I'll give you an example from my own life.
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So early in my career, I was living in Brazil and I went to a New Year's party on the beach
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and everybody was super fucked up and we were all partying and dancing.
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And I was hanging out with this American guy and we started talking and I was like, oh, what do you do for work?
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And he's like, I'm an accountant.
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And I was like, really?
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That's funny.
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I need an accountant.
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He's like, oh yeah, what's your business?
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And I was like, oh, I have an online business.
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He's like, that's crazy.
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I'm an accountant for online businesses.
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I'm like, this is awesome.
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I'm totally going to hire you.
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Meanwhile, we're like both completely blitzed out of our minds.
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Guess what, everybody?
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I hired him.
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And guess how well he did on my taxes.
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About as well as you would expect a drunk and high person on a Brazilian beach to do.
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I ended up spending so much money fixing those tax returns.
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And I remember telling my dad about this and my dad started laughing at me.
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And he was like, you know what, Mark?
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There are some people that I want to be boring.
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And my accountant is one of them.
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All right.
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Habit number six, have fewer opinions.
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This one is particularly important in this day and age.
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When you're young, opinions feel like assets.
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They're kind of signaled to people that you're informed, that you're tuned into the world, that you're smart and educated.
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But the thing is, is that once you get to your 30s and 40s, there's a better awareness among people around bullshit.
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Because most people, by the time they're 30 or 40, they are old enough to have seen all the things that they believed when they were 20 end up being wrong.
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And so there's more humility, there's more hesitance, there's a little bit more skepticism.
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The other reason this is really important from a psychological perspective is
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that when you have an opinion and you express that to other people, there is now social stakes around that opinion.
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And so even if you do end up being wrong or even if you do end up questioning it,
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there's always a motivation to defend that opinion to other people because ultimately that opinion has become part of your social identity.
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And so this is how you see people like paint themselves into just idiotic
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and retarded political corners is that they adopt some opinion when they're 25 and they don't know better.
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They go around telling all their friends.
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And then instead of like realizing that maybe they got a little bit overzealous
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and a little bit overexcited about that dumb opinion, they've now told so many people that they need to double down on that opinion.
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And so they like look up podcasts and start reading bloggers about like that reinforces that opinion.
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So then they become even more hardcore about that opinion
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and they just end up in this like intellectual cul-de-sac
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that they can't get out of because getting out of it becomes social identity death.
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Another way to look at it is that the fewer opinions you have, the fewer arguments you feel obligated to try and win.
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When I was young, I used to have these like screaming arguments with some of my friends.
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These days, like if my friend disagrees with me, I'm just like, cool dude good luck like who the fuck knows what's going
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on i don't think any of us do the other reason it's extremely important to not have opinions these days
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or have much fewer opinions is simply because there's
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so much bullshit online and there's so much false certainty that's being spread there's
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so much disinformation that's being spread fake news whatever you want to call it there's just a lot of nonsense
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and people's thresholds for believing that they are well-informed about a topic has become extremely low.
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So don't be one of those people.
313
And then finally, habit number seven, stop complaining.
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Complaining and talking shit is the lowest common denominator of connection.
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It is what people do when they have nothing else to say and nothing of value going on in their lives.
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This is another thing that you do a lot when you're young because everything is low stakes and it doesn't really matter.
317
You have nothing to lose.
318
So you might as well bond with people over how much everything sucks.
319
But as you get older, you realize that like the world's really hard and complicated and everybody's trying really hard and actually not everything sucks.
320
Like some things are really good and you have to work really hard and fight for those things that are good.
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So complaining is just not helpful.
322
It's not, it's a waste of energy.
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It's a waste of time.
324
And complaining is like mental rehearsal for how you're going to continue to see the world.
325
Every complaint is a rep that is training your brain to see things in a certain way
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that is not useful or helpful to anybody, including yourself.
327
Now, this isn't me admonishing you to like be positive and think positive, guys.
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Everything's great. So obviously it's not.
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But my personal rule that I put around this is
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that I am not allowed to complain unless I am also proposing some form of action.
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That way I'm always empowering myself to change the thing I don't like.
332
Because I think one of the subtle
333
and insidious things about complaining all the time is that you are subtly training yourself out of your own agency.
334
You are gradually brainwashing yourself over a long period of time to believe that nothing you do can affect things.
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Nothing you do matters.
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Nothing you do is ever going to change things.
337
And that's just bullshit because you can change things.
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You will change things.
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You just won't change everything.
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And you definitely won't change everything you want to change.
341
but that's probably a good thing too
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because after all you're an idiot as am i
343
and we don't know what's best for everybody we don't even
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know what's best for ourselves all we can do is keep
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trying day after day week after week just try not to
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break the x's keep going stop being a negative nancy buy your time back stop getting
347
so fucked up say yes to more people say that's my brain say yes to more people say no to more things
348
this is unk mark signing off i'll see you when i'm 50
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu B2 seviyesindeki konuşma dersi “7 Surprising Habits that Changed My Life in My 30s” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 348 cümle ve 4556 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 22:56 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 199 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %86’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında; geri kalanına başlamadan önce bakmakta fayda var.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodaki en ileri düzey 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| couch isim | /ˈkaʊ̯t͡ʃ/ | kanepe |
| accountant isim | /əˈkaʊn.tənt/ | muhasebeci, muhasip |
| stake isim | /steɪk/ | kazık |
| pillow isim | /ˈpɪl.oʊ/ [ˈpʰɪɫ.ö̞] | yastık |
| obligation isim | /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/ | vazife, yükümlülük |
| plumber isim | /ˈplʌm.əɹ/ | tesisatçı |
| protector isim | /pɹəˈtɛktɚ/ | hami, koruyucu |
| intentional sıfat | /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/ | kasıtlı, istemli |
| pencil isim | /ˈpɛnsəl/ | kurşun kalem, kalem |
| propose fiil | /pɹəˈpəʊz/ | teklif etmek |
| proportion isim | /pɹəˈpɔɹʃən/ | orantı |
| handful isim | /ˈhæn(d)fʊl/ | karış |
| mathematics isim | /mæθ(.ə)ˈmæt.ɪks/ | matematik |
| inform fiil | /ɪnˈfɔɹm/ | bilgi vermek, bildirmek |
| adopt fiil | /əˈdɑpt/ | evlat edinmek |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| check out fiil | gözden geçirmek | |
| figure out fiil | açığa çıkarmak | |
| find out fiil | anlamak, ortaya çıkarmak | |
| get together fiil | toplanmak, buluşmak | |
| go out fiil | çıkmak | |
| look up fiil | /ˌlʊk ˈʌp/ | yukarı bakmak |
| show up fiil | ortaya çıkmak | |
| sit down fiil | oturmak |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- See, when you're young, you don't know anything.
- You don't know who you are.
- You don't know what you like.
- Just like, no, that's not worth my time.
- He's like, oh yeah, what's your business?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | have taught · I've gotten · You've never been |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | people that do · Anybody who wants · one that has |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | was asked · be practiced · is sponsored |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı you're, don't, I'm gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 137 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “th” sesleri: mathematics /mæθ(.ə)ˈmæt.ɪks/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, intentional /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/, proportion /pɹəˈpɔɹʃən/, musician /mjuˈzɪʃən/, exceptional /ɪkˈsɛpʃənəl/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: intentional /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/, mathematics /mæθ(.ə)ˈmæt.ɪks/, intimacy /ˈɪn.tɪ.mə.si/, insanity /ɪnˈsænɪti/, ironically /aɪˈɹɑnɪkli/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; couch, accountant, stake gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.