Shadowing Practice: Friendship Skills For People Who Didn't Learn This At Home - Learn English Speaking with Video

Bir pratik modu seçin

Her mod tam ekran bir pratik odası açar.

307 cümleler

Cümleler çok kısa veya çok uzun ise, ayarlamak için Düzenle'ye tıklayın.

Research shows that people you hang out with have a bigger effect on how your life goes than just about anything else.

They influence the choices you make, they influence the standards you set for yourself,

they influence the other people that you're going to meet in the future.

But the weird thing is people hardly talk about this.

We talk about romance and how to date, but did anyone ever teach you how to have friends?

No, it's assumed that we'll just pick it up by osmosis or from our families.

If this is something your parents didn't model for you

or they couldn't model for you because they were really limited or damaged in this area too, you are so not alone.

Especially for people who grew up with trauma, learning to have friends and be a friend is so tricky.

Maybe you struggle to have friends or you have friends,

but the relationship stays on the shallow end and you don't get close or you get close,

but then your trauma symptoms can get the better of you

and something happens to trigger you and the whole thing blows up.

Big argument, little argument that you can't really recover from, or the friendship just crumbles.

Has this happened to you?

I'm guessing it's happened a number of times.

If you grew up with abuse and neglect, there's a high probability that having friends is a part of life that gets hard for you sometimes.

And this is a big reason why unhealed trauma can be so devastating to your life over time.

You end up isolated.

You You don't have those people who love you and get you and who are there for you when you need them.

And this is really important.

Not having that is a big setback.

And I'm sure that it's robbed you in some ways of the life that you deserve.

But the good news is this can change and you can heal.

And the path of your life can start getting better right now

if you can develop some friendship skills and learn to form friendships with good people.

Now, this is something I had to really work on in my life.

My trauma symptoms kind of got worse over time in my early adulthood.

And so good friends that I had were pulling away and I didn't know what was wrong.

Now I know, now we all know it's complex PTSD

and it has a common pattern of symptoms that once you know what they are, even if you haven't totally healed them yet,

it can clarify what may have been going on

and going wrong in your friendships and what part of these problems is something you can change.

So here's what I learned.

First, it's so important that you pick the right people for friends

because if you're like a lot of people with childhood PTSD, you find that troubled people have this funny allure for you.

What is it about them?

It's a mystery.

They feel so charmingly comfortable, so unthreatening, so much like home.

And maybe you have a history of buddying up with the most troubled kid in the class

or somebody who turns out to have a drug problem or people who are really not available to be good friends.

So the first thing is to start identifying who would be the good, healthy people for you to hang out with.

Now, we talk about this a lot in my dating and relationships course and in my connection course,

because this broken picker problem is really common for people with childhood PTSD.

But the way you choose friends can be just as rickety.

Now, the key to get clear with yourself is to actually write down what characteristics are absolutely essential for you.

So let's say it's that people are kind, right?

They're honest.

They reciprocate your interest in friendship.

You don't have to know these people yet, but you're defining what the right people are like, how you will recognize them.

And then you also spell out what characteristics you cannot have in friends.

And this might be characteristics where you had a blind spot before and you know it brings your life down.

So I used to have a blind spot for people who had serious drug addictions.

First, I wouldn't see it.

And then I would see it, but I'd be too afraid of loneliness to say anything

or stop hanging out with them

and i had no business hanging out with serious addicts i was never into drugs myself

but that's what i grew up with and that's where i felt at home

and so i'd use kind of fuzzy reasoning to rationalize staying friends with serious addictions

and it would introduce all kinds of trouble into my life drama shame people stealing my stuff

i know right it didn't fit with the other parts of my life where I was fairly functional.

And I had to make a decision that I could not have that in my life anymore.

Not with the blind spot that I personally have and the way I couldn't seem to keep boundaries at the time.

So you write down what your lines are.

What characteristics are a big no way for people that you let into your life.

Okay, so that helps keep certain people out.

And as you may be fearing, it's true that setting boundaries about who can be in your life could introduce a period of loneliness.

You end some friendships and the new people haven't arrived yet.

You haven't found them yet.

Now I know finding good, healthy people is easier said than done when you had a crappy childhood.

Sometimes trauma symptoms show up that make things harder for

that too maybe you get emotionally intense

and fall apart friends might stand by you at first

but part of falling apart is it makes a person very inwardly focused

and in the long run this can push friends away too

or worse maybe your stress comes out as a tendency to criticize

and blame your friends when you're feeling overwhelmed

so there's conflict you're hurting feelings they don't want to deal with

that so they pull away or maybe you're the one who pulls away

so these are common trauma driven dynamics and reactions to ordinary stress that can happen in a friendship.

And even if you're able to keep your feelings under control enough to not ruin everything in a big explosion,

that kind of self -control can really limit the depth of a relationship.

It can limit how much fun the friendship can be if you're just holding yourself together tightly all the time.

There's not the deep connection and trust between you and your friend that would be needed for a friendship to last.

And so over time, being too controlled will cause a friendship to fade too

and it's a sad and hard part of trauma healing

that this this part can be so hard to change

but you can change these dynamics by working on yourself

so one of the first things you can do to have great relationships is just pick good people

and then work over time to be a good friend

when you want to hang out with somebody i would suggest

if it's at all awkward invite them to do something with you

so not just random hanging out

but an activity with good friends it's normal to get together without a plan

or without an activity

and that's really good with somebody you're already close with where there's no need to have a plan but

if you're just getting to know somebody doing some activity can kind of take the focus off the interpersonal dynamics

so much you know a little is good

but a lot can be overwhelming now one of my favorite examples

100

i always say this bowling right the bowling alley near me closed during the pandemic.

101

I hate that.

102

If you go to a movie with somebody, right, you can't talk.

103

If you go to a restaurant, you have to talk the whole time.

104

But if you go bowling, you can kind of talk, bowl, talk, bowl.

105

And if things get weird or you need a breather,

106

you can just really focus on the bowling for a little while and then come back to the conversation.

107

So doing things helps.

108

The next thing is about being a good listener.

109

Now everybody knows this, but try this okay

110

when you get together with your friend spend 30 minutes just

111

doing an experiment only listen to them don't talk about yourself

112

and instead focus on listening

113

and responding to what they're saying about themselves now i'm not saying do this forever

114

but just as an experiment and as practice just listen to the other person

115

and reflect on what they're saying

116

and give them feedback now it may feel really uncomfortable to not talk about yourself at all right

117

because what's normal what people do often is you say hey this thing happened to me

118

and it's normal for somebody else to say oh

119

that happens to you me too one time you know

120

and then you tell a story about how it happened to you

121

so it's natural to relate information about yourself

122

when someone tells you something about themselves that's a way many of us think

123

that we're being a good friend and sometimes it is but

124

when it goes too far it can make the other person feel interrupted

125

and deflated about something they were trying to be heard about

126

so it's good to really you know hear what someone's trying to say to really hear it

127

so when they tell you about something

128

that happened you can go wow what was that like for you

129

and then what happened it right

130

and uh well wow that's that's weird you you listen to what they're saying

131

and respond to what they're saying don't relate it to yourself

132

that's how you can get closer to a person 30 minutes just try not talking about yourself okay

133

it will teach you a lot so this one time my husband

134

and i went to a party where we didn't really know people

135

and we were kind of anxious about the party

136

because we both would prefer to be at a party where we know somebody.

137

So just as a strategy to make the evening fun, we decided to do the experiment and we made a rule for the whole evening,

138

just a secret rule.

139

We didn't tell anybody we were doing it for the whole party.

140

We only listened and talked about what other people were saying.

141

We never, ever talked about ourselves.

142

And it was funny.

143

We were so popular.

144

We got invited by two other couples to have dinner sometimes.

145

And honestly, that rarely happens.

146

You know, when we meet people, they didn't know anything about us.

147

And here's the funny thing.

148

They never asked a single thing about us, right?

149

See, they weren't great.

150

listeners either and it didn't feel great to never be asked but it really like raised my awareness

151

about wow you know

152

that is not what's going on in a conversation with a lot of people some are really great at it

153

so anyway we never actually ended up having dinner with anybody

154

but it was a really good lesson for me

155

that you can just listen

156

and you can actually learn a lot about people it reminds me um

157

when i used to i i used to have this work

158

that involved a lot of travel

159

and a bunch of us would travel to other cities and do a consulting job and then travel somewhere else.

160

And a lot of times people got together and had wine at dinner.

161

And at a certain phase of my life, I decided I just didn't want to drink alcohol anymore.

162

And for like eight years, I didn't drink any alcohol.

163

And, um, it was so interesting because when you sit together

164

and you don't drink alcohol with people who are just having some wine with dinner, like they, they get very open about stuff.

165

And, um, and I was just very aware of myself

166

and it was a little bit of a contact high to be around people who were having a glass

167

or two of wine.

168

So I felt relaxed.

169

I felt like myself, but I wasn't accidentally self -disclosing a bunch of stuff, which is what, especially back at that time of my life,

170

was likely to have happened.

171

And the other thing I liked about it is that, like, if I would go to the ladies' room at 10 o 'clock at night

172

and go to the mirror to wash my hands, I'd look in the mirror, and my face was still fresh.

173

It wasn't all, like, red with running mascara.

174

It was a nice little thing so you know not drinking wine

175

and doing a really good job of listening is a way

176

to really show up with other people with all your faculties

177

and i'm not saying you have to be so perfect all the time

178

that you're just with your faculties all the time sometimes you get to relax

179

but i am saying

180

if you struggle to make friends anything you can do to heighten your awareness of what the dynamic is

181

and just pay attention to what your natural inclinations are what's

182

hard for you what other people are like like i was really surprised i thought

183

that these other people at the party were people

184

that we had to impress but the fact that they never asked about us and talked about themselves

185

you know uh i don't i don't know it just wasn't

186

that impressive it was okay you know it just wasn't

187

that impressive though so i learned a lot of people are not good listeners

188

but just about everyone is hungry to be listened to

189

so here's another thing to keep in mind

190

and it's another form of good listening is don't give unsolicited advice

191

if somebody says oh i had a hard day yesterday

192

i had a headache all day you don't have to jump in

193

and tell them what you do about a headache

194

and go oh you know what you have to do they're not really telling

195

you about the headache unless people specifically ask for advice hey what would you do

196

if you had a headache it's you know it's just better to listen

197

and hear what it is they really wanted you to hear which is that they had a hard day.

198

It was so hard they had a headache the whole time.

199

And then you can say, wow, that sounds like a hard day.

200

What did you do?

201

That's how a friend listens.

202

So similar to that, you can give them affirmation.

203

You can give them a word of praise, recognizing something good about them, a compliment.

204

People like to be appreciated more than you might think.

205

And obviously you shouldn't do it too much.

206

It, you know, at a certain point it becomes manipulative of other people

207

and that's not good but

208

when you can give a sincere compliment make it a clean compliment don't say oh gosh your blouse is

209

so pretty mine is so ugly though

210

but I love yours that's not a clean compliment

211

that's kind of like loaded right

212

you're putting them on the spot to say something about your

213

blouse no yours is very nice a clean compliment is

214

when you go you know

215

that shirt you're wearing just looks great it's a really good color for you that's it

216

and you just make it clean nice clean compliment

217

and people like it and it boosts their spirits they need encouragement

218

and they like it when their accomplishments

219

and the good things about them are noticed that's just a good friend thing to do is to notice

220

and encourage what is good in another person now here's another good listening thing

221

when your friend has told you about a big thing

222

they're expecting maybe they're giving a speech at an event next week

223

or they're they have a final or they tell you about something

224

that was hard like they recently had shoulder surgery a good friend follows up on

225

that maybe calls them a few days later

226

and says hey i was just checking in how'd the speech go

227

or how's your shoulder doing today if you think about it people who do

228

that for you those are the people who you end up closest with that's like showing up for people

229

and actually paying attention not just in the moment in the conversation

230

but over time that's what a good friend is who you know it's not just small talk.

231

It's, it's, it's connection.

232

It's, it's a durable connection between you.

233

That's what a good friend is.

234

If you want to have a friend, you've got to be a friend.

235

And if you want to have a good friend, you've got to be a good friend.

236

Now, another thing is to be a believer in your friend.

237

Everybody has self -doubt.

238

And when we become friends with people, we'll begin to reveal what those doubts are.

239

And they might be something like, well you know i'm thinking about changing jobs

240

but i think i might be kidding myself

241

that anyone would ever hire me

242

so you know what a good friend is it's someone who sees your very best potential

243

and believes in you and can express that to you

244

and remind you of your strengths and why you are employable

245

and supports you in finding ways to make

246

that happen that's how to be a believer in your friend

247

i think a lot of people we tend to think that

248

if we don't put somebody down then we're not causing any harm

249

but actually people need to have a witness that they're doing something right

250

and that there's potential for them to do something even better

251

so good friends can believe in the best possible outcome

252

and always encourage a friend toward

253

that next step a good friend also shows up for the hard stuff

254

and that means picking people up from the airport visiting them in the hospital helping them move their furniture

255

and sitting with them when they're grieving when they've lost a loved one.

256

I know that when there was a period in my life where I had a lot of tragedy, I really found out who my friends were.

257

A lot of people who I thought were good friends, they disappeared.

258

They didn't help.

259

They didn't even call or they said, let me know if there's anything I can do, or I don't know what to say.

260

You don't even know what you need when you're in that state.

261

So A, when people say, you know, if there's anything I can do, you'll notice nothing really follows up.

262

And that's kind of baked into that comment of like, let me know if there's anything I can do.

263

There are special people who know how to ask if you need help.

264

They know what to say.

265

They suggest a thing or two.

266

They say, would it help if I picked up some groceries on my way over?

267

And would it be okay if I wash these dishes right now?

268

It was the people who did that for me, who took the time to come see me in the hospital,

269

even though it was far away and so boring and creepy and hard to park.

270

And they are the people who made a huge difference in my life right

271

when I was the most depressed and they encouraged me and took me for walks around the corridors.

272

In the long run those are the people who became the lifelong friends.

273

It's a beautiful thing to do for other people.

274

So you want to show up for the good times, the weddings, the parties, the celebrations,

275

but you also want to show up for the hard stuff.

276

And a good friend shows up for the good and the bad.

277

You never want to talk behind your friend's back.

278

That's important.

279

I'm just going to say this you don't really want to say anything bad about anyone who's not present

280

but especially your friends don't ever talk about them behind their back i mean even

281

if you know for a fact they're never going to know just on the off chance

282

that the energy reaches them you know our nervous systems are connected

283

and we can feel these things in each other you know

284

if somebody says no i'm not mad you can feel

285

when they're mad right we're connected the people we love especially you know, can feel that.

286

So you don't want to talk about your friends behind their back.

287

Have their back.

288

Protect their identity.

289

Protect who they are.

290

Protect their hearts.

291

And finally, stay in touch with them.

292

This is one of the terrible things about contemporary times is that we think,

293

well, I said hello on Instagram and I texted happy birthday or I stuck it on Facebook.

294

But if you're not talking to people face to face or at least on the telephone, it's really hard to sustain a close friendship.

295

Messaging on social media, it's not nothing, but for those purposes, it just doesn't count.

296

So whenever you can, go see people face -to -face.

297

If you can't see them face -to -face, talk on the phone or video chat.

298

If you can't talk on the phone, send an email.

299

And if you can't send an email, send a text.

300

And if you can't do that, okay, fine.

301

Talk to them on social media.

302

If I do all those things for people, they don't do it for me,

303

then go back to the beginning of the video where I said the first thing is how you choose people.

304

It's all about how you choose your friends.

305

So these are some of the ways that you can be a better friend.

306

If you want a free download where I list these friendship skills, you can access that right here.

307

Just click and I will see you very, very soon.

Uygulamayı İndir

Akıcı konuşmak için ihtiyacınız olan her şey

AI TelaffuzHer cümleyi puanla

IPA AlıştırmasıHer sesi ustalaştır

Kelime BilgisiKelime bankanızı oluşturun

Kelime OyunuOynarken öğrenin

QR Tara

Download on theApp Store Get it onGoogle Play

FOR YOU

Video Öner

85 cümleler

Psychology of People Who Struggle to Make Friends

Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults

19 cümleler

Some people are lessons, some are blessings, and some change you forever#motivation #shortsfeed#fyp

Daily ConversationWorking Adults

201 cümleler

Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları

Bu konuşma dersi “Friendship Skills For People Who Didn't Learn This At Home” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 307 cümle ve 3746 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 18:44 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 200 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %88’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay.

Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler

Videodan öğrenmeye değer 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
friendship isim	/ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/	arkadaşlık, dostluk
trauma isim	/ˈtɹɔm.ə/	travma, sakatlık
compliment isim	/ˈkɑmpləmənt/	övgü, iltifat
headache isim	/ˈhɛdeɪk/	baş ağrısı
symptom isim	/ˈsɪm(p)təm/	semptom, belgi
encourage fiil	/ɪnˈkʌɹ.ɪd͡ʒ/	teşvik etmek, cesaretlendirmek
experiment isim	/ɪkˈspɛɹ.ə.mənt/	deney (n), tecrübe
heal fiil	/ˈhiːl/	iyileştirmek
dynamics isim	/dɑɪˈnæm.ɪks/	dinamik
listener isim	/ˈlɪs(ə)nɚ/	dinleyici
impressive sıfat	/ɪmˈpɹɛsɪv/	etkileyici
mirror isim	/ˈmiɹɚ/	ayna, gözgü
awareness isim	/əˈwɛɹ.nəs/	bilinç, bilinçlenme
introduce fiil	/ˌɪntɹəˈdus/	tanıştırmak
remind fiil	/ɹəˈmaɪnd/	hatırlatmak, anımsatmak

Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
fall apart fiil		altüst olmak
get together fiil		toplanmak, buluşmak
blow up fiil		havaya uçurmak, havaya uçmak
come out fiil	/ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/	çıkmak
find out fiil		anlamak, ortaya çıkarmak
show up fiil		ortaya çıkmak

Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler

Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:

Has this happened to you?
I'm guessing it's happened a number of times.
First, I wouldn't see it.
You haven't found them yet.
What did you do?

Bu videodaki dil bilgisi

Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:

Yapı	Videoda
“Used to” used to + fiil — artık geçerli olmayan eski bir alışkanlık ya da durum	used to have · used to i
İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi	people who grew · people who love · somebody who turns
Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli	would be needed · be heard · be asked
Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem	haven't totally healed · haven't arrived · haven't found

Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar

Konuşmacı don't, you're, they're gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 97 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.

“sh” ve “zh” sesleri: friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, addiction /əˈdɪkˌʃən/, celebration /ˌsɛl.ɪˈbɹeɪ.ʃən/, explosion /ɛkˈsploʊ.ʒən/, dish /dɪʃ/
Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: characteristic /ˌkæɹ(ə)ktəˈɹɪstɪk/, experiment /ɪkˈspɛɹ.ə.mənt/, ordinary /ˈɔɹdɪnɛɹi/, celebration /ˌsɛl.ɪˈbɹeɪ.ʃən/, accidentally /ˌæk.sɪˈdɛnt(ə)li/

Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:

/w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: awareness /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/, awkward /ˈɔk.wɚd/, overwhelm /ˌoʊ.vɚˈwɛlm/, inwardly /ˈɪnwɚdli/
Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, trauma /ˈtɹɔm.ə/, clock /klɑk/, steal /stiːl/, spell /spɛl/
/æ/ — “e”den daha açık: characteristic /ˌkæɹ(ə)ktəˈɹɪstɪk/, dynamics /dɑɪˈnæm.ɪks/, faculty /ˈfæk.əl.ti/, relax /ɹɪˈlæks/, feedback /ˈfiːdˌbæk/

Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır

Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; friendship, trauma, compliment gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.

Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?

Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.

Shadowing tekniği: adım adım eksiksiz rehberi okuyun →

Shadowing Practice: Friendship Skills For People Who Didn't Learn This At Home - Learn English Speaking with Video

Bir pratik modu seçin

Uygulamayı İndir

Psychology of People Who Struggle to Make Friends

Some people are lessons, some are blessings, and some change you forever#motivation #shortsfeed#fyp

How Do You Heal From Trauma? | Unfiltered Stories

The Secret to Fixing Your Adulthood

having standards will change your life | non-negotiables, self worth, settling

A Simple Habit That (Sort of) Fixed My Social Skills for Good.

Doing these things alone will change your life

Fawning: The Survival Strategy That Turns Into Self-Abandonment | Fawning #2

its time to have a conversation with them

people you should watch out for (how to spot toxic friends)

Something Happens When Good People Reach Their Limit

4 Small Things That Make People Feel Closer to You