Shadowing Practice: 비현실적인 망상이 내게 필요한 이유 | #HMM - Learn English Speaking with Video

it's not only about debuting though a message to my younger self just like an older sister

or just a friend oh

so young like what is she talking about oh this anxiety is for a reason i don't have any regrets

hi everybody my name is yunjin

and i am from a girl group called la seraphim

But today I'm introducing myself not as a member of a girl group, but as a host of a podcast.

I am pleased to announce that I am hosting my first ever podcast with Stan A called Thinking Thoughts.

I've been wanting to do a podcast for the longest time.

I finally have made this dream come true.

Thank you so much for joining me.

Thank you.

So why did you call it HMM?

HMM stands for Huzz Memo.

And it's like, you know, like a thinking sound.

So I found it perfect for this because in this podcast, I'm just going to be talking about what's been on my mind,

how I feel about things, my opinions that nobody asked about, because there are a lot of random ideas that come to me in the middle of the night,

like things that I've seen or heard or felt or simply, you know, just like the mood that I was in that day.

I've always loved to document those things.

I really want this podcast to just feel like I'm sharing the notes I've always just kept for myself.

After you guys listen, I would love for you to share your thoughts too.

So today, I thought

that it'd be best to start off with my story some of you may know

but i debuted in 2022 in a group called le seraphim

but me before debuting in le seraphim i was born in korea

but moved to the states at like eight months old i'm

korean -american i spent most of my life growing up in the states i actually grew up in wisconsin

and before i moved to new york at like 10 ish

and then spent the next like seven years there i grew up loving storytelling

and it was my dream to become a storyteller in whatever form

so i had dreamt of becoming like a writer

and then i dreamt of becoming an artist like a painter in visual arts

and then i wanted to write for movies

and then i wanted to become a musical actress

and then I discovered like songwriting and I picked up my first guitar

which I stole from my dad started songwriting fell in love

with music kind of kept it as my own little secret dream

and then I discovered k -pop

and I fell in love with how I could combine all of what is me into one career.

I dreamt of becoming a K -pop idol because I felt really really inspired by the creative universe that K -pop has.

My Korean -American -ness, my Korean -ness, my love of music, my love of being on stage,

my love of dancing even though I couldn't dance at the time

and the impact you could have on so many like identities was

so big to me because i felt

so empowered as a korean -american kid growing up watching k -pop get huge in the states

so i hope

that in a similar sense this podcast can resonate with people

who feel like they might be alone in these thoughts

or feelings or worries that they have

so I tell myself these things as I debut as a

podcast host things I wish I knew before debuting it's not

only about debuting though I feel like it's just like a

message to my younger self my teenage years maybe my early 20s

and just like an older sister

or just a friend I hope this can touch the first thing

that I would like to tell my younger self is

that sometimes you will worry because you have no worries

and sometimes you will worry because all you have are worries sometimes I get lost in my thoughts way too much.

I struggle to validate that version of me because I just wonder if Am I supposed to be like this?

Am I even on the right track?

I definitely have those times.

Even looking back on my life, there have been several times where I really did not think

that there was going to be an end to this tunnel in this darkness.

But some of the times, my head would just be so empty.

That was my biggest concern.

I remember talking to my friends and being like, Guys, I'm so concerned.

I'm so worried about myself because I have no worries

so it's just like that it's like you think you're okay

and then you're not and then you think you're not okay

and then you are the bottom line is

that nobody really has it figured out until we are in the coffin

and even when you become an adult it's gonna feel like at first you know what you're doing

and then you start doing it

and then you realize you don't know what the you're doing

we're still kids this is our first time doing life even the people

that you look up to it's their first time doing experiencing this thing called life

so don't stress out about feeling like you don't have it

figured out okay the second thing i would say is believe in the blessed unrest

when you are scared to do something it means you are

on the right track there's a letter i think it was

that martha graham wrote to agris demille

that is where i first heard of the blessed unrest here

let me read it to you there is a vitality a life force a quickening

that is translated through you in action and

because there is only one of you in all time this expression is unique

if you block it it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.

It is not yours to determine how good it is, nor how it compares with other expressions.

Keep the channel open.

No artist is ever pleased.

There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.

There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

It's one of my favorite things to think about

and it's one of the most comforting things

that I have come to learn after debuting I always put

so much pressure on myself to only do things

when they're 100 % good

but it's not about being 100 % perfect it's about doing it anyway nothing exists before you make it

100

and what's important is

101

that you make it a lot of the times the biggest turning points in my life happened

102

because i chose to do it even

103

when i was a little scared i was terrified of moving to korea

104

and chasing my dreams and completely just transforming my life

105

but there was something in me

106

that made me feel like oh this anxiety is for a reason

107

and there's like a destination to this anxiety

108

which is kind of like what the blessed unrest i think

109

is talking about I remember going into the audition I was nervous

110

and scared but at the same time I had this gut feeling

111

that this was just the right direction

112

and I feel like every time those two feelings converge the

113

result on the other end is is what I knew

114

and wanted to happen but like that doesn't mean

115

that like every single time you're going to be met with a good result

116

i'm gonna be so honest there are plenty of things

117

that i regret like i have this one song called blessing

118

in disguise oh perfect title like there's an intro to it with me like narrating something

119

that i'd come up with on the spot it's like oh

120

something about me getting to the airport oh incheon to jf

121

or jfk to incheon your boarding starts now or something like

122

that it's like the like the PA I don't know I

123

felt anxious about it I was like oh I don't know

124

if this is right and then I just did it

125

because hey creative action but um yeah to be completely honest it's something

126

that I slightly regret because I just I don't know it's yeah anyway what matters is

127

that I did it and I expressed what I thought was right at the time

128

if there was something that I could say to

129

that Yun Jin from like two three three years ago yeah just letting you know

130

that your good feeling was in fact correct you never know until you try

131

so I applaud you for taking that risk anyway

132

Next thing is that everybody has their own pace and that does not mean yours is wrong or inferior.

133

This is a really hard thing to internalize, especially at a young age, especially in a time like right now where everything is

134

so fast on service level it looks like success comes so

135

so fast it's really easy to get lost in the anxiety

136

that oh the next person has to be me

137

because everybody around me is everybody online is why am I

138

so behind oh feeling behind I know that feeling

139

so well I remember being in middle school some of my

140

friends around me they were like oh I want to be

141

an environmental scientist I want to be a data analyst I want to do musical theater

142

and I had this one friend who had been doing musical

143

theater since like their whole life they were one of my best friends

144

and I had also loved to sing at a young age

145

and we would do like choir together we would perform at talent shows together too like I'd play guitar

146

but deep inside I also knew that I wanted to do theater

147

but it just scared me so much to try

148

and I felt like at the time it was already way too late for me to start

149

because other people around me had started ballet at the age of three

150

and started musical theater at the age of seven

151

and low -key it felt kind of embarrassing to say

152

or like to even audition

153

and say it's my first musical theater audition ever in front

154

of my best friend who has been doing this for her entire life

155

but um everybody has their own pace because i started then i challenged myself

156

and listened to my gut and just followed what i wanted truly deep within my heart

157

and um did it anyway and i'm so glad that i did

158

because honestly if

159

if i hadn't started musical theater i think i wouldn't have

160

believed in the power of like challenging yourself i think

161

that experience really helped me realize that don't be fooled by the speed and the pace of the system

162

okay on people there are more people

163

that love you than you realize is one of my definitions of love love is sympathy

164

and gentleness in the most unexpected direction there have been

165

so many times in my life where love has

166

that kind of unexpected warmth and sympathy has found me

167

and it has definitely made me realize that oh even if it looks like there's a lot of cynical

168

perceptions there is always going to be someone who sees me

169

for what I am my friends in high school they brought me

170

so much strength and they showed me that I was a good person

171

and I was worthy of love they even to this day they tell me like oh we knew

172

that you were going to be a star we saw how passionate

173

and how in love with what you do you were

174

when you couldn't see it yourself but we saw

175

that in your eyes and we knew

176

that was going to happen yeah I think it's just like every time I did something they would be

177

so supportive they would tell me how great I am

178

if my leap towards my dream was the start the catalyst what kept

179

that dream going was friendship you can't see the back of your head without a mirror

180

and it's the same thing you cannot see yourself without another person i think it's our responsibility to do

181

that for each other

182

because sometimes we can't see it ourselves sometimes you just need

183

to believe something without evidence just stop feeling alone just know

184

that you are more lovable than you think you are sometimes we just need friends to awaken

185

that realization inside of us and if you don't have

186

that person become that person and who knows someone who has been feeling

187

that same way might show up oh

188

and also on people there's just one thing

189

that I would like to add every person you meet you

190

will meet for a reason I'm a big believer in

191

that everything happens for a reason but

192

that includes people I am a true believer in

193

that every person in your life comes to you to teach

194

you something it could be like a taxi driver it can be a person that you just bump into on the street.

195

It can be a girl that you meet in London and become friends with, which is a true story.

196

Every experience is part of the plot.

197

Each person could just be a sentence in that chapter.

198

People come and go and it's okay to let someone into your life

199

and give them all that you have and then them not be a part of the story anymore.

200

But you gave your 100 % and that doesn't disappear.

201

That's still in the story.

202

That's still a part of you.

203

That's still part of what you experienced.

204

So I don't want you to ever regret or feel too much of a loss because that's not a loss.

205

There's no losing when your goal is to experience.

206

And I think that is a very powerful statement.

207

But I think it also needs to be applied to the people that you meet.

208

and the people that you love if there's one thing

209

that i want to tell my younger self is to keep being delusional one thing

210

that i am very proud of myself for is

211

that ever since i was a kid i was extremely delusional

212

and i think i think i have something in here this

213

is like my old old sketchbook old sketchbook i used to

214

do this stuff all the time like i would manifest things

215

this is um what is this this is 2021 it's like one of the sketches

216

or i don't even know what to call this this is

217

my life i have succeeded i bring all my dreams to life i am present i bring others joy

218

and help them grow i am real i change the world

219

and have a big influence in bettering the world i express

220

my thoughts with confidence i am strong nobody judges me

221

and i do not mind those that do I am patient

222

and allow myself happiness I did this quite often though from

223

what I remember I think being delusional is is such a great way of living this life imagine the outrageous

224

because there is something so powerful about just believing

225

that you can do it no matter what even

226

if there's no substantial evidence is so it's crazy because there are people out there who are less qualified than you,

227

but are doing what they are doing because they were delusional and just had the confidence to try.

228

I think it's one of the first things we are robbed of when we become members of society and grow into adulthood.

229

I think if there's one thing that we should not let go of is imagination.

230

And to my younger self, I want to thank you for being delusional in the right ways.

231

So now as I wrap this episode up, I would like to say one thing to my younger self.

232

And this is just also to me right now.

233

Write it down.

234

Record.

235

Document.

236

Remember who you are through creation.

237

The reason why I started keeping notes is because drawing,

238

writing things down, writing lyrics making music was my way of remembering myself

239

because nobody can truly remember nobody knows you other than you there are things

240

that only you can remember and through creation

241

or through documentation we can keep today's version of me alive somewhere

242

and this is something that i've written before debuting i want to be someone who doesn't forget

243

or doesn't let something be forgotten i don't want to let

244

myself disappear i think i want to create to preserve myself

245

and to me i think this can be my form of

246

self -love listening to myself i want to remember this why

247

do what i do why i want to keep doing what i'm doing

248

because if i don't i'm afraid i will lose myself

249

and the girl i missed from years before don't do it to prove something

250

or to display a persona of the person you want to become do it for yourself

251

and the person you already are 2021 november 28th

252

so nearly five years later i am feeling the same thing

253

and i hope that this podcast is a way for me to preserve myself

254

and my thoughts and all these memories

255

but hopefully inspire you guys to also start documenting your life

256

and remembering memories that you will want to bring back

257

or want to think of again in the future

258

so um today i shared some of the things i've learned throughout my life

259

so far 24 years down the line just a couple of

260

my thoughts you know people who are like twice my age are probably thinking like oh

261

so young like what is she talking about

262

but yeah it was just some things

263

that i wish i knew back then it would have been

264

nice maybe i would have worried a little less maybe it would have taken less detours

265

but um that's just part of being human um trialing

266

and failing i was doing the best

267

that i could like everybody is doing their best right now

268

and i'm just really grateful for all those experiences

269

because i truly think that they made who i am today i don't have

270

any regrets although i don't know a couple a couple maybe

271

mishaps as i was talking today i did kind of feel like especially reading

272

that last journal entry i think whatever or everything

273

that i said today not only applies to my younger self

274

but also myself right now maybe someone who's listening today might have needed them too

275

and i hope they do so yeah

276

that brings us to the end of today's memo um one question

277

that i have for everybody who's listening is what season of life are you guys in right now

278

and if there was one thing you could tell your younger self what would it be bye see you next episode

279

I'll see you next time.

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