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Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan,

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Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan,

distinguished guest, undistinguished guest, you know who you are.

Honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009.

I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday,

but you can't graduate until I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.

Then I went to look up what commencement meant.

Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary,

but most of the books in our house are Porsches and they're all written in Australian.

So I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.

Commencement.

Common and cement.

Common cement.

You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack,

you break your mother's back.

So there's that.

But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus,

alumnus, you had to graduate from the school.

And I didn't go to college here.

And as I don't know if President Cowan knows,

I didn't go to college at all, any college.

And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money,

but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the School of Hard Knocks,

our mascot was the Knockers.

I spent a lot of time here growing up my mom worked at Newcomb

and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.

But why am I here today?

Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you,

because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.

I mean look at you all wearing your robes.

Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning,

it means you've given up.

I'm here because I love New Orleans.

I was born and raised here.

I spent my formative years here.

And like you, while I was living here,

I only did laundry six times.

When I finished school, I was completely lost.

And by school, I mean middle school.

But I went ahead and finished high school anyway.

And I really had no ambition.

I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I did everything from I shucked oysters.

I was a hostess.

I was a bartender.

I was a waitress.

I painted houses.

I sold vacuum cleaners.

I had no idea.

And I thought I'd just finally settle on some job and I would make enough money to pay my rent,

maybe have basic cable, maybe not.

I didn't really have a plan.

My point is that by the time I was your age,

I really thought I knew who I was,

but I had no idea.

Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.

So what I'm saying is,

when you're older, most of you will be gay.

Is anybody writing this stuff down?

parents

anyway I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life

and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event I was maybe 19

and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident

and I passed the accident and I didn't know it her

and I kept going and I found out shortly after

that it was her

and I was living in a basement apartment I had no

money I had no heat no air I had a mattress on the floor

and the apartment was infested with fleas

and I was soul searching I was like why is she suddenly gone

and there are fleas here I don't understand there must be a purpose

and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could just pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.

And I started writing, and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God,

which was one-sided.

And I finished writing it,

and I looked at it,

and I said to myself,

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up ever.

There was no club in town.

I said, I'm gonna do this on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson,

at the time he was the king,

and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.

And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show,

and only woman in the history of the show,

to sit down because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

And I started this path of stand-up,

and it was successful, and it was great,

but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody,

and I had this secret that I was keeping that I was gay,

and I thought if people found out,

they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.

Then my career turned into I got my own sitcom and that was very successful.

Another level of success and I thought what

if they find out I'm gay then they'll never watch and this was a long time ago.

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You probably this was when we just had white presidents but anyway this was back many years ago.

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And I finally decided that I was living with so much shame

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and so much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore.

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And I decided to come out and make it creative and my character would come out at the same time.

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And it wasn't to make a political statement.

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It wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness

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that I was carrying around and I just wanted to be honest.

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And I thought, what's the worst that can happen?

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I can lose my career.

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I did.

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I lost my career.

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I got the show was canceled after six years without even telling me I read it in the paper.

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The phone didn't ring for three years.

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I had no offers.

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Nobody wanted to touch me at all.

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And yet I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide but didn't because of what I did.

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And I realized that I had a purpose

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and it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity

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but I felt like I was being punished and it was a bad time.

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I was angry, I was sad,

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and then I was offered a talk show.

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And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it and most stations didn't want to pick it up.

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Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

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And really when I look back on it,

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I wouldn't change a thing.

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I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is,

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is to be true to yourself.

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And ultimately that's what's gotten me to this place.

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I don't live in fear.

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I'm free.

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I have no secrets and I know I'll always be okay because no matter what I know who I am.

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So in conclusion, when I was younger,

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I thought success was something different.

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I thought when I grow up,

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I want to be famous.

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I want to be a star.

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I want to be in movies.

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When I grow up, I want to see the world, drive nice cars.

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I want to have groupies,

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to quote the Pussycat Dolls.

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But my idea of success is different today.

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And as you grow, you'll realize definition of success changes.

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For many of you, today's success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

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For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity

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and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not,

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to live your life as an honest and compassionate person,

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to contribute in some way.

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So to conclude my conclusion,

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follow your passion, stay true to yourself,

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never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path,

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and by all means you should follow that.

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Don't give advice.

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It'll come back and bite you when they ask.

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Don't take anyone's advice.

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So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

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And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future,

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but there's no need to worry.

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The economy is booming.

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The job market is wide open.

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The planet is just fine.

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So to conclude my conclusion that I previously concluded in the common cement speech.

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I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras,

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but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain.

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And if they like what they see,

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you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.

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And you'll be drunk most of the time.

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So to the Katrina class of 2009,

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I say congratulations, and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this.

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You're going to be okay.

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Dum-do-doom-doom-doom.

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Just dance.

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you

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