跟读练习: the art of having perfect conversation - 通过YouTube学习英语口语
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I recently attended a small gathering and honestly,
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I recently attended a small gathering and honestly,
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I felt so bored and understimulated.
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You know, I knew everyone there pretty well,
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but the conversations just were not flowing,
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no one was asking follow-up questions,
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and the topics felt very one-dimensional.
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We all want to leave a social setting feeling good,
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and on that day, I did not.
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Instead, I left frustrated thinking,
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why is everyone so boring?
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And the next few days,
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I could not stop thinking about it.
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I replayed some of the conversations in my head,
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pondering questions like what would have made it more enjoyable
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and were the others having a good time and of course the dreaded question was I the boring one.
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And all this made me wonder what actually makes a conversation good and what makes a bad one.
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And so I started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences that I've had to use as a case study.
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Here is some background to the scenario that I picked.
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Lunch date with guy I was dating.
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Tall, dark, handsome.
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It was date number six.
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By the way, can you imagine being this guy
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and seeing this video of me writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable?
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This is why I could never date a YouTuber, they are weird.
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Now, of course, this video is not about that date or that person in particular.
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We are just going to use that scenario to try
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and generate some more in-depth understanding of the complex art of having good conversation.
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The general admissions gate.
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The general admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone.
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And now, of course, there can be countless reasons for why we might not want to engage with someone.
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Everything from their appearance to their behavior or even just our mood in that moment.
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Now, obviously, date number six.
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So he had passed the admissions gate already.
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And then comes the add-ons or levels.
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We will call it level one,
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which is there is some level of interest in that other person.
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And this interest could be anything, really.
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You know, it could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to Sydney,
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a place that you have always wanted to visit,
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or it could be a colleague you bond with over shared love for tacos,
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or it could simply be just someone having really great sense of style.
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As for my date, level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other
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and started messaging because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by.
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Now, the reason I mentioned this is because
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oftentimes we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person.
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Whether we are romantically interested in them,
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or we find them entertaining,
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or just intellectually stimulating, our reason for having level one interest in someone can vary greatly.
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But if you, on the other hand,
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find no interest in that person at all,
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regardless of reason, you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either.
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Okay, now that you and this person,
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or in my case, me and this guy,
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are on a level one basis,
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let's break down the conversation itself,
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but from the very beginning,
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because it actually starts before the conversation itself.
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So let's take a look at what I mean.
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Let's picture two different scenarios with this guy,
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who we will just call Guy from here on.
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Here is scenario one.
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Guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table.
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Guy keeps his coat on.
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He puts his phone on the table and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full.
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He had a meal before he came here.
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And here is scenario two.
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Guy and I enter this lunch place.
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He goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat.
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He leaves his phone out of sight and he orders a proper meal.
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Now, some people may not even take note of any of these things,
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but I think most people do and sometimes subconsciously.
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So here is what scenario one signals.
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I am not making myself comfortable.
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I'm not feeling relaxed.
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I'm open to being distracted and I don't plan on staying for that long.
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I knew we were having lunch,
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but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway.
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Here is what scenario two signals.
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I am making myself comfortable.
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I'm in no rush.
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I plan on being present with no distractions from my phone,
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and since we agreed on lunch, that's what we're doing.
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I want to be here.
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Now, why does this matter?
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Because feeling relaxed, comfortable, and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation.
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We want to feel like the other person wants to be there,
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and we're constantly, subconsciously and otherwise,
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picking up cues that signal these things to us.
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Alright, you're both seated now,
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you and whoever in this scenario, it's Guy and I.
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And before discussing the conversation itself,
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let's take a look at the initial body language,
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and let's do the scenarios again.
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Scenario 1.
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Guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye contact,
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as we are beginning to converse,
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which is said to be 50% of the time while you're speaking,
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70% of the time while you're listening.
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He also has an open posture,
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slightly leaning in towards me,
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subtly stroking my arm when appropriate and then observing how I respond.
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His facial expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation.
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He smiles as I tell him something that excites me.
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He looks concerned when I tell him something heavy.
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Scenario 2 Guy leans back,
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arms crossed, scanning the room,
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hardly looking at me as he speaks or as I speak.
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His face is mostly expressionless,
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not changing as I tell him something exciting,
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nor when I tell him something heavy.
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Here's what scenario 1 signals.
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I'm listening.
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I hear you.
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I feel relaxed and I'm glad to be here.
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Here's what scenario 2 signals.
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I'm not interested.
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I'm not really into you or this conversation.
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I'm distracted.
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I'm tense.
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I'm not fully present.
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Now let's talk about the conversation itself, starting with active listening.
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Besides body language, what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really listening?
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1. Guy did not rush me when I spoke.
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He wasn't bursting to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote.
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I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke.
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Number two, he responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements.
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So, let's say that I told Guy,
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this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt.
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You know, my mom would always add it to our fruit bowls growing up,
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but my sister never liked it.
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Here's an example of a good follow-up question that Guy could ask.
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Do you still add Himalayan salt your apples like your mom used to do?
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And what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on?
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Here's an example of a relevant follow-up statement.
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Because, you know, a good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions,
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it also consists of statements.
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So perhaps he could have said something like,
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my mom also used to make us fruit bowls,
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piers instead of apples though.
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And you know those pyramids that you can get at X market,
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they've become sort of nostalgic for me now.
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Here's an example of something I could've said that would be neither a question nor really a statement,
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but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's just disinterested.
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Oh, that's crazy.
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And now, a conversation is not even all about just follow-up questions and statements.
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Sometimes it's about acknowledging and validating the other person,
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both verbally and via body language.
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Let's say someone says, my trip to Australia is only 5 days away.
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If relevant, you could enthusiastically say something like,
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I can tell that really excites you.
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It's not a question, it's simply acknowledging their emotions.
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Or if they share something heavy like,
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it was hard losing a friend like that.
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Saying something like, it seems like this change has been really heavy on you.
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It makes the other person feel seen and supported.
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Number 2 – The conversation remains within your frame of comfort Your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation,
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who you're having a conversation with.
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It's just a fancy way of saying,
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what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to.
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I find that some of the best conversations are
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when you both are able to pick up on it without verbally expressing it.
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You intuitively know what's appropriate to say and what isn't.
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There is this underlying agreement.
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Now, it's not always obvious finding that balance between showing interest
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and curiosity about a person without being intrusive and overstepping a boundary.
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I mean, I literally had a hairdresser ask me how much money I make once.
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It's worth mentioning here that our personal boundaries are often very much influenced by things like our culture and our upbringing.
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If you're unsure about a topic or conversation,
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a good way to remain respectful is to first say something like,
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you know, I'm curious about something,
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but I understand it can be a bit of a sensitive topic for some people,
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so please don't feel any pressure to respond.
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Number three is smooth transition of topics and depth of conversation.
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We tend to enjoy multi-dimensional dialogue when we get to feel and experience different types of emotions when we're talking to someone.
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Guy and I would talk about some very deep,
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meaningful things, and we would also be silly and keep it lighthearted,
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and we were able to go from one topic to the next seamlessly.
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Number 4 – A 50-50 talking-listening ratio Now it doesn't need to be exactly 50-50 every time.
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It's really just that a good conversation feels balanced.
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You feel like you have listened to another person,
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you have allowed them to speak and open up,
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while also feeling heard and like you got to say what was on your mind.
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No one wants to feel like they are just an ear,
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and no one wants to feel like they need to carry the entire conversation.
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Number 5.
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Tone of voice and energy level.
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We've all been there.
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You're spending time with someone and you can barely hear what they say.
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I've been in situations where I need to hold my breath while they speak,
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just so I can hear them.
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Now naturally, that's going to be exhausting.
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And there's also the other extreme end of that,
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where the person is so loud that it makes you uncomfortable,
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where they will loudly yell out something like, what?
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He cheated with Lila from HR?
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No consideration for the fact that it's a sensitive topic,
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and not every single person at the restaurant needs to know what we're talking about.
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Naturally, we all have different tones of voice and energy levels when we speak,
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and we don't need to match perfectly with another person in order to have an enjoyable conversation.
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But it's quite a relief when you are somewhat synced.
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And Guy and I were like that.
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I could breathe and still hear him,
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and I also didn't have to worry about everyone hearing us.
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It just felt harmonious.
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Number 6.
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Comfortable silences.
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So, in between talking and bantering,
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Guy and I would chew our food in peace,
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and we would occasionally lean back for a brief moment,
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inviting bits of silence.
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And I find that being able to do that makes social interactions feel less draining,
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especially if you're introverted.
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I know to me, it's not even just about wanting to have pauses while conversing.
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It's also because I genuinely want to take a look around once in a while.
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I find it interesting to see who's at the restaurant,
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what is the vibe like,
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what song is playing, people watch, and what not.
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If we are constantly talking and there's no space for a small break,
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I can't really absorb my surroundings.
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I wish to do that.
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Number 7.
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That thing that you cannot pinpoint.
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Look, sometimes we just click with some people.
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I don't know if there is science behind it,
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I don't know if it's pheromones,
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chemistry, hormones, spiritual, I don't know.
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All I know is that it happens.
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So even though perhaps the other person was too loud,
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and they kept their coat on,
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and they talked way too much about themselves,
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you still left feeling good,
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inspired, excited, and like you want to see them again.
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Now let's touch on some of the things that have the potential of making a conversation feel like a negative experience.
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I'll try to bring up points that aren't simply the opposite of everything I already discussed.
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1. Excessive expressions and body language.
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It's the constant mmhmm, mmhmm,
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mmhmm, yeah yeah yeah, mmhmm, mmhmm.
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So I do this, and I try not to.
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I do it as a way to validate the other person,
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like I want them to really know that I'm here,
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I'm listening, but it becomes too much.
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It's not necessary.
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I know when someone else does it,
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it makes me feel so stressed,
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like I need to really rush through my point because they are getting impatient,
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they just want me to finish my sentence.
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2. They agree with every little thing that you say.
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This is one of those things that makes the conversation feel disingenuous,
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of course, we like it when we have a lot in common with someone
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and when we seem to agree on a lot of things,
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but we can also appreciate having different views with people and to be introduced to new perspectives.
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But even more so, we want honesty and authenticity,
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and I think it's safe to say that there is no way
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that you can 100% agree on every little thing we talk about.
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3. No intellectual exchange This is not about being pretentious and quoting ancient philosophers every other sentence to seem like an intellectual.
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It's simply about being well-read,
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being up-to-date with some current events,
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perhaps having a similar educational level,
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although not always necessary, and just being able to understand each other.
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At the very least, being open and interested in learning about various things.
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So let's say you are on a date,
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platonic or romantic, and much of the conversation consists of, oh, what's that?
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Oh, I've never heard that.
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Never tried that.
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Don't know where that place is.
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Don't know anything about that.
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It can make it difficult to relate to one another and become very under-stimulating if they never really have anything to add.
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4. Not respecting or ignoring personal space There is this personal space illustration where the furthest is social,
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the closer is personal, the closest is intimate.
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Thankfully, as a Swede, we love personal space.
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It's a cultural thing.
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I wouldn't say it's at all a regular occurrence that someone is standing way too close to your face,
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but it does happen.
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And the most confusing thing is when you feel someone this close to you,
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you can like feel their breath.
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And so you suddenly, you know,
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take a couple of steps back and then they follow you.
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Why are you following me now?
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Not respecting personal space can also be,
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you know, insisting on having a conversation or asking a question that the other person is clearly not interested in,
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or it's making them uncomfortable.
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It can also be things like sending multiple messages when it's not being reciprocated.
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Come on.
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We're all spending a ton of time on our phones.
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And sure, you know, we will still be busy,
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we have a lot going on,
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but we have seen the text.
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At least I'm 90% sure that we have.
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We have seen the email,
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and we're either too busy to respond at the moment,
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and so we will respond at a later point,
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or we're just not interested and we will not respond at all.
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Stop the double texting.
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And by the way, this,
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I think, is way more of a personal pet peeve of mine,
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rather than general advice.
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5. Any level of rudeness or disrespect.
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This one is a no-brainer.
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You know, if someone is being rude,
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making inappropriate jokes, belittling you,
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or anything that feels disrespectful,
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it's, of course, not going to be a good experience.
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6. Excessive complaining and negativity.
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So this is me, I'm afraid.
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I hate when I catch myself doing this,
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even something seemingly innocent like complaining about the weather.
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I just don't want to be that person.
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I want to make weather-appropriate plans,
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wear weather-appropriate clothes, and go with it.
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Of course, we can complain sometimes.
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In fact, I think we should complain sometimes.
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I don't know if there's any science to back this up,
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but I think it's healthy in small doses.
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you need to vent to your friends.
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That's not even complaining.
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And you may want to discuss different perspectives.
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You need to relieve some stress.
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That is all fine.
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But what we're talking about here is the chronic complainer,
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where their mindset is just so negative and it just clouds even you and it can be quite draining.
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And now look, most important of all,
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you should know this and I should know this.
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There is not a blueprint for a good conversation.
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Just like there is no blueprint for success or finding love,
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we just do our best and sometimes it goes the way we want it,
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sometimes it does not.
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You just need to be absolutely okay with that.
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Every encounter is different, every person is different,
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every relationship is different, there is a time and a place.
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For example, there are plenty of situations where shallow level small talk is perfectly appropriate and even enjoyable.
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And then there are situations where going deeper is the right move.
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There are times when we don't want follow-up questions because we're just not interested in going deeper with that person,
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and then sometimes that's exactly what we wish to happen.
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It's important to be mindful of the situation we're in,
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who we're speaking to, and to pick up on their cues and respect their boundaries.
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We need to fully understand that no one owes you a good time,
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or any time at all,
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and neither do you owe others that.
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I think a word that beautifully sums up what we are ultimately experiencing in those rare,
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really good conversations is intersubjectivity,
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which is something I just learned about.
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I guess you could say it's just a fancy way of referring to that shared understanding,
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meaning, and connection between people.
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It's like when part of you connects with another person,
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even if it's just for a moment,
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and then you come back to yourself.
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It's the process by which people come to understand and relate to each other's inner worlds.
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It goes beyond just having a conversation.
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It's the mutual understanding that builds over time through meaningful exchanges.
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背景與情境
在最近的一次聚會中，講者分享了自己的經歷，這次聚會讓她感到非常無聊和提不起勁。雖然她已經熟悉周圍的人，但對話卻陷入了僵局，大家都沒有提出後續問題，話題顯得非常單一。這樣的情況不僅讓她感到沮喪，還引發了她對於何謂良好對話的思考。她深入分析自己的經歷，並具體探討了在與人交流時，哪些因素能夠促進吸引人的對話。
日常溝通的五個關鍵短語
- 你最近過得怎麼樣？ - 一個開場問題，可以讓對方分享近況。
- 你對這個話題有什麼看法？ - 鼓勵對方發表自己的意見，加深互動。
- 我們可以一起做些什麼有趣的事情？ - 發掘共同的興趣。
- 你有什麼特別的經歷可以分享嗎？ - 啟發對方講述自己的故事。
- 這真是一個有趣的故事！能不能多講幾句？ - 表示對對方的興趣，促使對話深入。
逐步跟讀指導
若想提高英語口語能力，特別是在社交場合中進行良好對話，跟讀（shadowing）是一個非常有效的方法。以下是使用《看YouTube学英语》進行跟讀的步驟：
- 選擇適合的影片：首先，找到一段對話流暢且音質良好的影片，建議選擇一些關於日常生活或人際互動的熱門內容。
- 反覆聆聽：播放影片，首先聆聽一次，了解內容和上下文，特別注意語調與重音。
- 分段跟讀：將影片分成小段，每段播放一次，然後模仿講者的語音和語調進行跟讀。可以利用 shadowspeak 的特性，幫助你了解發音要點。
- 重複練習：重複這個過程幾次，直到你能夠輕鬆流利地跟讀。這樣不僅能改善你的發音，也能增強語言反應能力。
- 應用所學：在日常交往中運用這些學到的表達和技巧，參加社交活動時，嘗試使用這些新表達，提升自己的交際技巧和雅思口語練習。
透過這些方法，相信你能在人際交流中變得更加自信，促進更有趣和深入的對話！
什么是跟读法？
跟读法 (Shadowing) 是一种有科学依据的语言学习技巧，最初开发用于专业口译员的培训，并由多语言者Alexander Arguelles博士普及。这个方法简单而强大：您在听英语母语原声的同时立即大声重复——就像是一个延迟1-2秒紧跟说话者的影子。与被动听力或语法练习不同，跟读法强迫您的大脑和口腔肌肉同时处理并模仿真实的讲话模式。研究表明它能显着提高发音准确性，语调，节奏，连读，听力理解和口语流利度——使其成为雅思口语备考和真实英语交流最有效的方法之一。