Shadowing Practice: the art of having perfect conversation - Learn English Speaking with YouTube

I recently attended a small gathering and honestly,

⏸ Paused

Speed:

349 sentences

If sentences are too short or too long, click Edit to adjust them.

I recently attended a small gathering and honestly,

I felt so bored and understimulated.

You know, I knew everyone there pretty well,

but the conversations just were not flowing,

no one was asking follow-up questions,

and the topics felt very one-dimensional.

We all want to leave a social setting feeling good,

and on that day, I did not.

Instead, I left frustrated thinking,

why is everyone so boring?

And the next few days,

I could not stop thinking about it.

I replayed some of the conversations in my head,

pondering questions like what would have made it more enjoyable

and were the others having a good time and of course the dreaded question was I the boring one.

And all this made me wonder what actually makes a conversation good and what makes a bad one.

And so I started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences that I've had to use as a case study.

Here is some background to the scenario that I picked.

Lunch date with guy I was dating.

Tall, dark, handsome.

It was date number six.

By the way, can you imagine being this guy

and seeing this video of me writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable?

This is why I could never date a YouTuber, they are weird.

Now, of course, this video is not about that date or that person in particular.

We are just going to use that scenario to try

and generate some more in-depth understanding of the complex art of having good conversation.

The general admissions gate.

The general admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone.

And now, of course, there can be countless reasons for why we might not want to engage with someone.

Everything from their appearance to their behavior or even just our mood in that moment.

Now, obviously, date number six.

So he had passed the admissions gate already.

And then comes the add-ons or levels.

We will call it level one,

which is there is some level of interest in that other person.

And this interest could be anything, really.

You know, it could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to Sydney,

a place that you have always wanted to visit,

or it could be a colleague you bond with over shared love for tacos,

or it could simply be just someone having really great sense of style.

As for my date, level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other

and started messaging because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by.

Now, the reason I mentioned this is because

oftentimes we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person.

Whether we are romantically interested in them,

or we find them entertaining,

or just intellectually stimulating, our reason for having level one interest in someone can vary greatly.

But if you, on the other hand,

find no interest in that person at all,

regardless of reason, you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either.

Okay, now that you and this person,

or in my case, me and this guy,

are on a level one basis,

let's break down the conversation itself,

but from the very beginning,

because it actually starts before the conversation itself.

So let's take a look at what I mean.

Let's picture two different scenarios with this guy,

who we will just call Guy from here on.

Here is scenario one.

Guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table.

Guy keeps his coat on.

He puts his phone on the table and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full.

He had a meal before he came here.

And here is scenario two.

Guy and I enter this lunch place.

He goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat.

He leaves his phone out of sight and he orders a proper meal.

Now, some people may not even take note of any of these things,

but I think most people do and sometimes subconsciously.

So here is what scenario one signals.

I am not making myself comfortable.

I'm not feeling relaxed.

I'm open to being distracted and I don't plan on staying for that long.

I knew we were having lunch,

but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway.

Here is what scenario two signals.

I am making myself comfortable.

I'm in no rush.

I plan on being present with no distractions from my phone,

and since we agreed on lunch, that's what we're doing.

I want to be here.

Now, why does this matter?

Because feeling relaxed, comfortable, and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation.

We want to feel like the other person wants to be there,

and we're constantly, subconsciously and otherwise,

picking up cues that signal these things to us.

Alright, you're both seated now,

you and whoever in this scenario, it's Guy and I.

And before discussing the conversation itself,

let's take a look at the initial body language,

and let's do the scenarios again.

Scenario 1.

Guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye contact,

as we are beginning to converse,

which is said to be 50% of the time while you're speaking,

70% of the time while you're listening.

He also has an open posture,

100

slightly leaning in towards me,

101

subtly stroking my arm when appropriate and then observing how I respond.

102

His facial expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation.

103

He smiles as I tell him something that excites me.

104

He looks concerned when I tell him something heavy.

105

Scenario 2 Guy leans back,

106

arms crossed, scanning the room,

107

hardly looking at me as he speaks or as I speak.

108

His face is mostly expressionless,

109

not changing as I tell him something exciting,

110

nor when I tell him something heavy.

111

Here's what scenario 1 signals.

112

I'm listening.

113

I hear you.

114

I feel relaxed and I'm glad to be here.

115

Here's what scenario 2 signals.

116

I'm not interested.

117

I'm not really into you or this conversation.

118

I'm distracted.

119

I'm tense.

120

I'm not fully present.

121

Now let's talk about the conversation itself, starting with active listening.

122

Besides body language, what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really listening?

123

1. Guy did not rush me when I spoke.

124

He wasn't bursting to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote.

125

I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke.

126

Number two, he responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements.

127

So, let's say that I told Guy,

128

this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt.

129

You know, my mom would always add it to our fruit bowls growing up,

130

but my sister never liked it.

131

Here's an example of a good follow-up question that Guy could ask.

132

Do you still add Himalayan salt your apples like your mom used to do?

133

And what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on?

134

Here's an example of a relevant follow-up statement.

135

Because, you know, a good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions,

136

it also consists of statements.

137

So perhaps he could have said something like,

138

my mom also used to make us fruit bowls,

139

piers instead of apples though.

140

And you know those pyramids that you can get at X market,

141

they've become sort of nostalgic for me now.

142

Here's an example of something I could've said that would be neither a question nor really a statement,

143

but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's just disinterested.

144

Oh, that's crazy.

145

And now, a conversation is not even all about just follow-up questions and statements.

146

Sometimes it's about acknowledging and validating the other person,

147

both verbally and via body language.

148

Let's say someone says, my trip to Australia is only 5 days away.

149

If relevant, you could enthusiastically say something like,

150

I can tell that really excites you.

151

It's not a question, it's simply acknowledging their emotions.

152

Or if they share something heavy like,

153

it was hard losing a friend like that.

154

Saying something like, it seems like this change has been really heavy on you.

155

It makes the other person feel seen and supported.

156

Number 2 – The conversation remains within your frame of comfort Your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation,

157

who you're having a conversation with.

158

It's just a fancy way of saying,

159

what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to.

160

I find that some of the best conversations are

161

when you both are able to pick up on it without verbally expressing it.

162

You intuitively know what's appropriate to say and what isn't.

163

There is this underlying agreement.

164

Now, it's not always obvious finding that balance between showing interest

165

and curiosity about a person without being intrusive and overstepping a boundary.

166

I mean, I literally had a hairdresser ask me how much money I make once.

167

It's worth mentioning here that our personal boundaries are often very much influenced by things like our culture and our upbringing.

168

If you're unsure about a topic or conversation,

169

a good way to remain respectful is to first say something like,

170

you know, I'm curious about something,

171

but I understand it can be a bit of a sensitive topic for some people,

172

so please don't feel any pressure to respond.

173

Number three is smooth transition of topics and depth of conversation.

174

We tend to enjoy multi-dimensional dialogue when we get to feel and experience different types of emotions when we're talking to someone.

175

Guy and I would talk about some very deep,

176

meaningful things, and we would also be silly and keep it lighthearted,

177

and we were able to go from one topic to the next seamlessly.

178

Number 4 – A 50-50 talking-listening ratio Now it doesn't need to be exactly 50-50 every time.

179

It's really just that a good conversation feels balanced.

180

You feel like you have listened to another person,

181

you have allowed them to speak and open up,

182

while also feeling heard and like you got to say what was on your mind.

183

No one wants to feel like they are just an ear,

184

and no one wants to feel like they need to carry the entire conversation.

185

Number 5.

186

Tone of voice and energy level.

187

We've all been there.

188

You're spending time with someone and you can barely hear what they say.

189

I've been in situations where I need to hold my breath while they speak,

190

just so I can hear them.

191

Now naturally, that's going to be exhausting.

192

And there's also the other extreme end of that,

193

where the person is so loud that it makes you uncomfortable,

194

where they will loudly yell out something like, what?

195

He cheated with Lila from HR?

196

No consideration for the fact that it's a sensitive topic,

197

and not every single person at the restaurant needs to know what we're talking about.

198

Naturally, we all have different tones of voice and energy levels when we speak,

199

and we don't need to match perfectly with another person in order to have an enjoyable conversation.

200

But it's quite a relief when you are somewhat synced.

201

And Guy and I were like that.

202

I could breathe and still hear him,

203

and I also didn't have to worry about everyone hearing us.

204

It just felt harmonious.

205

Number 6.

206

Comfortable silences.

207

So, in between talking and bantering,

208

Guy and I would chew our food in peace,

209

and we would occasionally lean back for a brief moment,

210

inviting bits of silence.

211

And I find that being able to do that makes social interactions feel less draining,

212

especially if you're introverted.

213

I know to me, it's not even just about wanting to have pauses while conversing.

214

It's also because I genuinely want to take a look around once in a while.

215

I find it interesting to see who's at the restaurant,

216

what is the vibe like,

217

what song is playing, people watch, and what not.

218

If we are constantly talking and there's no space for a small break,

219

I can't really absorb my surroundings.

220

I wish to do that.

221

Number 7.

222

That thing that you cannot pinpoint.

223

Look, sometimes we just click with some people.

224

I don't know if there is science behind it,

225

I don't know if it's pheromones,

226

chemistry, hormones, spiritual, I don't know.

227

All I know is that it happens.

228

So even though perhaps the other person was too loud,

229

and they kept their coat on,

230

and they talked way too much about themselves,

231

you still left feeling good,

232

inspired, excited, and like you want to see them again.

233

Now let's touch on some of the things that have the potential of making a conversation feel like a negative experience.

234

I'll try to bring up points that aren't simply the opposite of everything I already discussed.

235

1. Excessive expressions and body language.

236

It's the constant mmhmm, mmhmm,

237

mmhmm, yeah yeah yeah, mmhmm, mmhmm.

238

So I do this, and I try not to.

239

I do it as a way to validate the other person,

240

like I want them to really know that I'm here,

241

I'm listening, but it becomes too much.

242

It's not necessary.

243

I know when someone else does it,

244

it makes me feel so stressed,

245

like I need to really rush through my point because they are getting impatient,

246

they just want me to finish my sentence.

247

2. They agree with every little thing that you say.

248

This is one of those things that makes the conversation feel disingenuous,

249

of course, we like it when we have a lot in common with someone

250

and when we seem to agree on a lot of things,

251

but we can also appreciate having different views with people and to be introduced to new perspectives.

252

But even more so, we want honesty and authenticity,

253

and I think it's safe to say that there is no way

254

that you can 100% agree on every little thing we talk about.

255

3. No intellectual exchange This is not about being pretentious and quoting ancient philosophers every other sentence to seem like an intellectual.

256

It's simply about being well-read,

257

being up-to-date with some current events,

258

perhaps having a similar educational level,

259

although not always necessary, and just being able to understand each other.

260

At the very least, being open and interested in learning about various things.

261

So let's say you are on a date,

262

platonic or romantic, and much of the conversation consists of, oh, what's that?

263

Oh, I've never heard that.

264

Never tried that.

265

Don't know where that place is.

266

Don't know anything about that.

267

It can make it difficult to relate to one another and become very under-stimulating if they never really have anything to add.

268

4. Not respecting or ignoring personal space There is this personal space illustration where the furthest is social,

269

the closer is personal, the closest is intimate.

270

Thankfully, as a Swede, we love personal space.

271

It's a cultural thing.

272

I wouldn't say it's at all a regular occurrence that someone is standing way too close to your face,

273

but it does happen.

274

And the most confusing thing is when you feel someone this close to you,

275

you can like feel their breath.

276

And so you suddenly, you know,

277

take a couple of steps back and then they follow you.

278

Why are you following me now?

279

Not respecting personal space can also be,

280

you know, insisting on having a conversation or asking a question that the other person is clearly not interested in,

281

or it's making them uncomfortable.

282

It can also be things like sending multiple messages when it's not being reciprocated.

283

Come on.

284

We're all spending a ton of time on our phones.

285

And sure, you know, we will still be busy,

286

we have a lot going on,

287

but we have seen the text.

288

At least I'm 90% sure that we have.

289

We have seen the email,

290

and we're either too busy to respond at the moment,

291

and so we will respond at a later point,

292

or we're just not interested and we will not respond at all.

293

Stop the double texting.

294

And by the way, this,

295

I think, is way more of a personal pet peeve of mine,

296

rather than general advice.

297

5. Any level of rudeness or disrespect.

298

This one is a no-brainer.

299

You know, if someone is being rude,

300

making inappropriate jokes, belittling you,

301

or anything that feels disrespectful,

302

it's, of course, not going to be a good experience.

303

6. Excessive complaining and negativity.

304

So this is me, I'm afraid.

305

I hate when I catch myself doing this,

306

even something seemingly innocent like complaining about the weather.

307

I just don't want to be that person.

308

I want to make weather-appropriate plans,

309

wear weather-appropriate clothes, and go with it.

310

Of course, we can complain sometimes.

311

In fact, I think we should complain sometimes.

312

I don't know if there's any science to back this up,

313

but I think it's healthy in small doses.

314

you need to vent to your friends.

315

That's not even complaining.

316

And you may want to discuss different perspectives.

317

You need to relieve some stress.

318

That is all fine.

319

But what we're talking about here is the chronic complainer,

320

where their mindset is just so negative and it just clouds even you and it can be quite draining.

321

And now look, most important of all,

322

you should know this and I should know this.

323

There is not a blueprint for a good conversation.

324

Just like there is no blueprint for success or finding love,

325

we just do our best and sometimes it goes the way we want it,

326

sometimes it does not.

327

You just need to be absolutely okay with that.

328

Every encounter is different, every person is different,

329

every relationship is different, there is a time and a place.

330

For example, there are plenty of situations where shallow level small talk is perfectly appropriate and even enjoyable.

331

And then there are situations where going deeper is the right move.

332

There are times when we don't want follow-up questions because we're just not interested in going deeper with that person,

333

and then sometimes that's exactly what we wish to happen.

334

It's important to be mindful of the situation we're in,

335

who we're speaking to, and to pick up on their cues and respect their boundaries.

336

We need to fully understand that no one owes you a good time,

337

or any time at all,

338

and neither do you owe others that.

339

I think a word that beautifully sums up what we are ultimately experiencing in those rare,

340

really good conversations is intersubjectivity,

341

which is something I just learned about.

342

I guess you could say it's just a fancy way of referring to that shared understanding,

343

meaning, and connection between people.

344

It's like when part of you connects with another person,

345

even if it's just for a moment,

346

and then you come back to yourself.

347

It's the process by which people come to understand and relate to each other's inner worlds.

348

It goes beyond just having a conversation.

349

It's the mutual understanding that builds over time through meaningful exchanges.

TRENDING

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

☕ Buy us a coffee

ShadowingEnglish remains 100% free thanks to your support. Server and AI costs are high — your coffee keeps us going! 🙏

Donate via PayPal

ShadowingEnglish.com – English Shadowing Practice

Speak English fluently using the Shadowing technique. Listen to native YouTube videos, repeat sentence by sentence, and build real pronunciation and fluency — used by IELTS learners worldwide.

Shadowing Practice: the art of having perfect conversation - Learn English Speaking with YouTube

Popular

Context & Background

Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication

Step-by-step Shadowing Guide

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing Practice: the art of having perfect conversation - Learn English Speaking with YouTube

Download App

Context & Background

Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication

Step-by-step Shadowing Guide

What is the Shadowing Technique?