शैडोइंग अभ्यास: 18 - YouTube के साथ अंग्रेजी बोलना सीखें

You know that feeling when one conversation leaves you feeling completely off?

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You know that feeling when one conversation leaves you feeling completely off?

Not just annoyed, but like everything in your life is wrong.

You feel trapped and powerless and then that feeling bleeds into everything else.

Maybe it was a conversation with a friend

or a call with a family member or maybe something small at work

and afterwards you are short with your partner or you snap at someone that you love over something very small.

Or maybe you just feel this tension in your body

that you can't quite shake and you feel like you are one small thing away from losing it.

And the worst part isn't even the reaction, it's what comes afterwards.

The guilt, the confusion, wondering why do I keep doing this?

What is wrong with me?

Hi, I'm Melissa, I'm a GP and a certified attachment coach.

In this video I'm going to show you why there is nothing wrong with you,

why you're not a bad person or a difficult person for having that reaction.

I know that might be hard to believe right now,

especially if you've been watching yourself snap at people that you love and wondering what is wrong with you for a while.

But by the end of the video everything is going to make sense.

You're going to understand why one conversation can derail an entire day and why that reaction,

as confusing as it is,

makes complete sense once you understand what's underneath it.

I'm also going to show you how to find your way back

when you are in the middle of it

and it doesn't involve telling yourself to calm down because I think you already know that that doesn't work.

This used to happen to me almost every day,

sometimes even multiple times a day.

It was usually something small and meaningless that would leave me feeling very irritable,

sensitive, and like my emotions were very raw.

That would stay with me for hours,

which meant that I would end up snapping at someone that I love,

someone who had nothing to do with the initial interaction,

just because they didn't say or do something exactly as I expected.

So what is actually happening?

It starts with something called a core wound.

And before you click away thinking that this is going to be a lecture,

just hang with me for a second because we are going to talk about this in a very uncomplicated way.

A core wound is a deep belief that you formed about yourself usually early in life,

but it can happen anytime in response to something you experienced,

something that felt overwhelming or unsafe.

And because you couldn't fully process it at a time,

your mind made meaning out of it in order to protect you.

And that meaning becomes a belief.

It can be something like,

I am unsafe, I am unlovable,

I am unworthy, I am not good enough.

And here's the thing about core wounds,

they aren't just hanging out in your mind,

they act like a lens.

Everything you experience, everything people say to you,

every small thing in your day gets filtered through that lens.

And the other thing is,

the subconscious looks for evidence to support existing beliefs.

So it looks for proof that supports that wound.

Most of the time you don't notice it.

Life is busy, you are functioning,

but then something small happens.

A conversation that leaves you feeling unseen,

a moment that leaves you feeling dismissed or unheard,

and that triggers that core wound.

And so the core wound is now open and that lens is very active.

And here's where it gets interesting.

When that wound is triggered,

it doesn't just stay in the conversation that triggered it,

it bleeds into everything after.

So for example, you just finished that phone call or

that conversation and you are already feeling unseen and unheard

and maybe a little bit dismissed and you are craving reassurance and comfort.

So you go to your partner and he tries to comfort you,

but he doesn't do it exactly how you would like him to.

Instead of coming to sit next to you,

he just does it from the doorway.

And instead of feeling better,

you feel even more and important.

Even though you consciously know that he's trying to comfort you,

all you feel is angry because he didn't come and sit next to you.

But the problem here isn't the fact that he tried to comfort you from the doorway.

The real problem is the meaning that you are giving to his actions,

which is based on the wound that was triggered and is still open.

This is the difference between facts and meaning,

and it's one of the most important things that I've learned.

The fact, He tried to comfort you from the doorway.

The meaning is the story you are subconsciously telling yourself based on the wound that was triggered.

And it could be something like,

he's trying to comfort me from the doorway.

That means he isn't listening.

He doesn't care.

Nobody cares.

I am unloved.

And here is what makes this so hard.

In that moment, that meaning feels like a fact.

But the meaning that you give to a situation isn't always the truth,

or at least the whole truth.

When the wound is open and raw,

you are seeing everything through that lens.

So he tries to comfort you from the doorway.

That's all that happened.

The rest is just the wound talking.

So now that you understand what's happening,

you might be thinking, okay,

so next time this happens,

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I will just tell myself that this is the wound talking and that meaning is not the same as fact.

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Simple.

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Not so fast.

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Because if you've ever tried to logic your way out of a situation like this,

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you know that it doesn't work and there is a reason for that.

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Your subconscious mind is running about 95% of your decisions, emotions, and actions.

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And your conscious mind, the part that is watching this video and going like,

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yes, I understand, this all makes sense,

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cannot just overpower your subconscious mind,

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especially not in the middle of a triggered moment,

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and not Bible power alone.

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Your subconscious doesn't speak in logic,

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it speaks in feelings and images.

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So telling it to calm down,

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just let it go, it's not going to work,

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because it responds to emotion and repetition over time.

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So telling yourself to just calm down,

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it's like giving directions to someone who speaks a completely different language.

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The intention is there, but it's probably not going to get through.

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And this is why you keep finding yourself in the same reactions,

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even when you understand it,

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even when you know better.

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It's not weakness or a character flaw,

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it's just how the subconscious mind works.

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So if logic doesn't work, then what does?

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But before we talk about that,

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I just want to tell you that if you find it hard to tell the difference between fear and your inner wisdom,

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I made a free guide that will help you with that.

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It helps start separating the fear

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that is trying to protect you from the part of you that knows what you need right now.

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So you can start making decisions that are aligned with your true self.

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The link is below.

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So back to what if logic doesn't work, then what does?

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Your body and mind need to both come back to safety,

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but they both speak different languages so they need different things.

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Some days your body needs to go first.

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When that feeling of being trapped and powerless takes over,

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your body is in a stress response.

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And it's very hard to think your way out of a stress response.

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So what you can do is,

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for example, breathe deeply for a few minutes,

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shake your body like you are shaking water off your body,

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or you can also do a body scan meditation where you are just noticing things without trying to fix it.

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The idea is to do something that will let that excess energy flow,

144

and this will help you regulate your nervous system.

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On other days, you might find that going straight to your mind gives you enough relief to then settle your body.

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In those days, you can start by asking yourself a few simple questions.

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What meaning am I giving this situation about myself?

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Am I worried about a specific worst-case scenario related to this situation?

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And you keep asking yourself these two questions until you've reached the underlying wound.

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And once you can see the one clearly,

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you do the next step,

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which is look for evidence of the opposite.

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But don't force positive thoughts.

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Genuinely ask yourself, is this really true?

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Do I know that this is 100% true?

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What do I know that contradicts this?

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And then when you find that evidence,

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don't just think it, you need to let your body feel it.

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So you bring that image of the memory to your mind,

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and then you let your body experience that memory.

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I just want to point out that the order here isn't important

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because honestly you are probably going to have to address both

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but learning to read which one needs to come first is in itself a form of self-trust

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and sometimes you can just ask for reassurance from the people

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who are safe enough to give it to you you can go to your partner

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and tell him look i am feeling this way

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because of what happened earlier and

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when you talk to me from the doorway i felt even more unseen

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and i consciously know that that was not your intention but right now I need some reassurance.

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And then you just let him give it to you.

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That is not being weak.

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That is knowing what you need and being able to ask for it.

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Here's one more thing that I want to leave you with.

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The next time that you find yourself reacting in a way that confuses you,

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snapping at someone you love,

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feeling disproportionately angry about a situation,

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that overwhelming sense that everything is wrong,

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I would like you to try to remember this.

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You are not a bad person.

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You are not a difficult person,

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there is nothing wrong with you.

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You are just someone with wounds,

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just like everybody else on the planet.

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The difference now is you know what's happening,

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and you can start to see the wound from what it is.

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You can start to separate fact from meaning,

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and you can start to find a way back to yourself,

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not by forcing it, but by actually giving yourself what you need in those moments.

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That is self-awareness, and that really changes everything.

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And on that note, if you want to understand what your body is trying to tell you when something feels off,

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but all your tests are clear,

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then watch this video next because it's going to help you see it in a completely different way.

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