シャドーイング練習: Why Being the Most Reliable Person Is Ruining You - 動画で英語スピーキングを学ぶ

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This is not about perfectionism, this is not about guilt, this is not about boundary setting.

This is about the fundamental programming,

the rules of the game that are in your mind through which you interpret your interactions with other people.

The schema dictates what emotions arise.

And so if you try to solve the emotion or you try to solve perfectionism or you try to set boundaries, you're not targeting the root.

As a psychiatrist, I see this incredibly central pattern in so many of the women and many of the men that I've worked with,

that they are the default caregiver.

They are the responsible one.

They're surrounded by people who would like fall apart if they stopped doing the supporting role.

And this leads to a lot of draining, first of all, but it also leads to a lot of frustration

because these people feel bound by their circumstances

and as the resentment builds up as the anger builds up what they'll sometimes do is like swing the pendulum

so they'll be like okay i need to be more independent

i need to stop letting everybody rely on me

i need to look out for myself i need to advocate for myself

so they sort of swing into this hyper independence

and they may even do that for a while but as they do that,

some kind of weird circumstance or like gravitational force pulls them back into that old environment.

And that gravitational force could be feeling guilty, right?

They're like, oh my god, I feel like such a terrible person.

And now all these people are struggling.

It could be being vulnerable to guilt tripping, right?

People call you and they're like, oh my god, you left and like now I can't do anything.

Then you kind of feel bad.

It could even be anger towards yourself and other people.

And sometimes even when you try to pull away,

you may find yourself stumbling into additional relationships where people take advantage of you,

where like you meet people at work and like, they're like, they need help.

So you kind of step up, right?

There's this big attitude of sort of stepping up.

And so the tricky thing about this is

if you're someone who's like chronically depleted

and you're someone who is surrounded by people who don't have their shit together and you're the one that they rely on.

The real problem with this is that you may look at this and you may think like, okay, I need to set better boundaries.

Fair enough, right?

So like I need to set firm boundaries.

But as you try to set firm boundaries, like it works for some people, but something gets in the way.

This kind of feels a little bit like whack -a -mole and it seems like nothing is sufficient.

And this problem of whack -a -mole not working is something that I saw years ago, right?

So I started making content on the internet and it's like, okay, I teach this, here's how to deal with perfectionism.

Here's how to emotionally regulate.

But for some people, they don't see outcomes.

Literally why I built the coaching program.

Because sometimes what happens is you need someone else to help you understand the specific nature and kind of like

intersection of different problems that you have.

And we, our coaches get great outcomes, do a really, really, really good job.

And so if you're someone for whom whack -a -mole doesn't seem to be working,

or you've watched a lot of content on the internet and you're not getting the progress that you're really looking for,

consider working with one of our coaches.

So what do you do about this?

And this is where we're going to explain a really important concept today, which is the concept of a schema.

And what a schema is, is like a foundational thing that shapes the way that you interact with the world.

And the tricky thing about today's video is if you guys have this problem,

actually the most important thing that you need to do is understand it.

You don't actually need to do anything.

The problem is that what you need to understand is so subconscious,

is so baked into the assumptions of how you interact with the world

that like kind of dictates what keeps on happening to you.

Okay.

But the challenge that I have in this video is like,

this is so foundational that it's kind of hard to see and kind of hard to understand.

So what I want you guys to do is first of all,

bear with me, because it's going to be a little bit abstract and then we'll get into the details.

And then after you are done understanding what a schema is, go back and re -examine these issues.

Listen to the introduction again, and then see it through the lens of schema.

If you are able to do that, that will be the most important step that you take for breaking this pattern, okay?

So let's start with what a schema is.

So a schema is a pattern of interacting with the world.

And what I mean by pattern is it isn't like an emotion, it isn't a worldview, it isn't a way of socially interacting with other people,

it's all of those things put together, okay?

So schemas are formed in adolescence and the way that I kind of describe it in layman's terms,

it is the rules of the game that you learned.

Okay.

So I'll give you all a simple example.

There's this game that I used to play many years ago called Munchkin.

It's a card game.

And the whole point of Munchkin is that like cheating is okay.

Right.

So it's a game that cheating is part of the rules.

So if someone cheats like, and they win, that's not something that pisses people off.

I mean, it may still piss people off, but that is something that is fully acceptable versus let's say you're not playing Munchkin.

Let's say you're playing like bridge or something else.

Okay.

Or chess or whatever.

And then someone cheats the way that you perceive what they're doing, your emotional reactions to their actions,

and even the way that you engage with them will all be shaped by this set of assumptions.

So schemas are sort of the like the rules of the game of life that we are taught.

And for people who are consistently depended upon, consistently emotionally depleted, who just surround themselves with various people,

subconsciously you are playing the game of life with a certain set of rules

that creates these reactions over and over and over again, okay?

So let's start with the first major schema, which is a self -sacrificing schema.

So this is characterized by a couple of really important things.

The first is excessive and voluntary focus on meeting others' needs at the cost of one's own satisfaction, okay?

So there's a couple of important features of this.

It's kind of like compulsive that you take care of other people more so than yourself.

The tricky thing about this, the really confusing thing about this,

the really frustrating, like self -anger kind of provoking thing is that this is voluntary, right?

You kind of choose to do this.

People will ask you for help and you can say no, but you don't.

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And not only do you volunteer to help people, but the amount of help that you provide is usually excessive.

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Like you don't do a mediocre job.

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You do a very good job.

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If you're taking care of someone who's sick, you're going to really knock it out of the park.

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If someone needs help, you are not going to be the person that half -asses it.

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So it is both excessive and voluntary.

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And oftentimes meeting other people's needs comes at the cost of your own satisfaction.

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Second thing is a sense of guilt when you prioritize yourself.

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So notice that what a schema is, it's like this pattern, right?

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So it's not just that you have guilt.

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It is that if I do something for myself, the way that I am wired is like, even if it's completely acceptable,

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if I'm like, hey, like this is my day off, I get days off.

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It's completely reasonable to get days off.

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But if someone asks for my help, and then on my day off, if I take my day off, I feel incredibly guilty.

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So this is how a schema works.

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It's kind of a pattern that evokes certain emotions in inappropriate situations or in maladaptive ways, right?

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So the way to get underneath a schema is not to just focus on the guilt.

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It's to really understand the pattern that is creating the inappropriate guilt.

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This self -sacrifice schema also has an element of self -identity in it, which is specifically an inflated sense of responsibility for others.

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So as human beings in life, we all have some degree of responsibility to our fellow human beings.

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But in people who have a self -sacrificing schema, their sense of responsibility towards others is inflated.

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Other people should help people a little bit, but I have to help people a lot.

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That's kind of this core drive that you have, right?

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Somewhere written in your programming is the idea that I have to help other people a lot.

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And there are all kinds of thoughts that go with this.

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So if I don't, then things will fall apart.

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If I don't, then other people will suffer.

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If I don't, they're not going to be able to handle it.

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So this sense of responsibility has two major kind of divisions.

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It's other people's needs become your responsibility and other people's feelings become your responsibility.

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So think a little bit about how you feel this grippy responsibility towards other people,

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but like, it's not good enough to just do what they need.

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It is also important for you to make sure that they feel good about it.

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Okay.

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And we'll get to where this comes from in a second.

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The last part of this schema, the self -sacrificing schema is difficulty in receiving care or attention.

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So here's you overworked, taking too much responsibility and burnt out

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and then along comes someone in your life who's like hey bro you seem burnt out

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and tired let me help let me do something nice for you

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and you kind of like on some level you may appreciate

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that but something in your programming makes you feel really uncomfortable

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if people are focusing on you

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if people are taking care on you it becomes hard you have this weird reaction of like craving I'm giving...

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other people's support but when they actually give it some part of you can activate

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and feel really uncomfortable

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so how do you get to be this way how do

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you end up with this set of rules in your head well

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it turns out depends a lot usually on your upbringing right

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because we are psychiatrists here so it's all about your childhood

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so let's understand so a really common feature of these people is parentification

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so this is when a child grows up in an environment

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that is unstable in some way where the parents don't do the job of parents.

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So the child has to do the job of parents.

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So this can look like a couple of things.

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Okay.

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The first that oftentimes people miss is an emotionally unstable environment.

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So you may be thinking like, oh, like, it's not like I had to cook myself food or anything like that.

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Like my upbringing was okay.

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So if you grew up in an emotionally unstable environment, what oftentimes children learn is how to manage the emotions of their parents.

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So I see this a lot

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when I have kids who have parents who have a substance use disorder or basically addicts, right?

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Because even as a six -year -old child, you learn as a survival skill that you need to manage your parents' anger,

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frustration, their depression, their sadness, right?

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This happens so unconsciously and it's quite devastating

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because it becomes kind of like your unconscious responsibility to keep dad

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or mom calm like let's not have them flip out like we can't have them flip out

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now suddenly what's happening in this scenario is the parent is

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no longer responsible for their emotional regulation for their outbursts it becomes the child's responsibility and so

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if you sort of think about a parent -child relationship what's supposed to happen is kid is the one

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that's supposed to be throwing a temper tantrum right kid is the one

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that's supposed to throw like bait their fits i don't want to go to school i want to go to school

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And it's the parent's job to be the emotional container.

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So emotional instability really can lead to parentification on the part of the child.

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Another really common example is an ill parent.

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So when our parents are physically ill, have chronic illness, usually this is what I kind of see,

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we have kids who will have to step up.

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They will have to do everything from like, oh, mommy needs like medicine or daddy needs medicine.

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Can you get me water?

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They have to do things like they have to handle homework on their own.

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They may have to prepare their own meals.

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They may have to prepare meals for their parents, things like that.

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This is another scenario where children have to grow up way too fast, right?

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And if we think about what's happening with the child there, the child is learning that,

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okay, my role in this household is to take responsibility.

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Without me, things will start to fall apart.

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The other big pattern that leads to this schema later in life is conditional self -worth.

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So a child learns on some really basic level that love,

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acceptance, and even proximity with a parent depends on the value that I bring to the table.

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So if I do a good job, like let's say dad works really hard and isn't really available, but if I do a good job,

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then dad will take me out for dinner to celebrate.

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But the only time I see dad is when there's celebrations involved.

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When dad is proud of me that's when he pays attention to me okay

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so this conditional self -worth this is what's

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so tricky about it it teaches the child a really important lesson

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which is my self -esteem depends on what i give to others

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because there are some children who this is so sad

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but many people in our community will be like i don't understand unconditional love like i just don't fucking get

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it we don't live in a world with unconditional love the only thing that matters is like what you give people, right?

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People will say like, well, what have you done for me lately?

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And in a professional setting or something like that, like fair enough, right?

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Like you have a job, there's an exchange of your time and energy for some amount of compensation.

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Like, yeah, like you do have some worth in the world that is somewhat transactional.

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But hopefully when we're growing up, like I have a couple of kids,

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like hopefully they don't feel like my love for them or their value as a person

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depends on their performance that my affection as a father is not contingent upon their behavior.

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But there are many people who grow up in that way, where they basically learn, okay,

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I get safety, I get proximity by doing good, by being good.

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And then something really tricky happens, which is their self -identity,

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their self -esteem, their self -value gets intrinsically tied to doing good for other people or living up to other people's expectations.

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And this explains why this pattern is so hard to break.

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Because if your sense of self -esteem is tied up,

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is correlated, the rules of the game for you are self -esteem means doing good for others.

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I've also seen this pattern in highly religious households, which we'll get to in a couple minutes, right?

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If these two things are are intrinsically linked, then you can even as an adult.

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Look at your situation and say, I'm sacrificing too much.

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I need to look out for myself more.

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But as you start to pull away from the people that are dependent on you, the schema will activate and your sense of self -esteem,

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because this is the equation of self -esteem, will start to drop.

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This is why you will feel that gravitational pull, because you feel it's not just guilt.

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It's something that is even deeper than that.

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Your sense of identity starts to disintegrate.

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Your personhood starts to disintegrate as you move away from the role of a caregiver.

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Because if you are not a caregiver, then who are you?

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And so the body and mind don't like it when you move away from a secure sense of identity.

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You know how to play this game.

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You know who you are.

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You know how you fit into this drama, right?

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You know which part of the play you're supposed to occupy.

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But when you move away from it, it's very, very anxiety provoking, causes this weird existential dread.

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And like it basically the feeling is like, I don't know how to do this.

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So what kind of problems do we see in adults who have this kind of schema?

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OK, so the first thing is that there are relationship problems.

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People with the self -sacrificing schema are drawn to people or partners, friends, co -workers, whatever, who have one main feature,

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accept care without reciprocity so you're drawn to people who are like okay being helped

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so sometimes this will be people with like once again like

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a friend with a chronic illness a friend who doesn't have

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their shit together a co -worker who's always like you know behind on things

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and needs a do me a solid bruh do me solid bruh right

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so you're drawn to these people and why are you drawn to these people

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because the rules of the game in your mind are like i'm the pc

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and these are the npcs and the problem with npcs is

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that they have side quests all these fucking npcs need some help from me

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and it is my job as the player character to run

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around the town talking to random people getting their side quests

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and then going and doing something but unlike most rpgs

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or whatever gta take your pick where the rewards are designed to be worth the labor

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that you do there's a second problem with people who have the self -sacrificing schema,

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which is that they have a lot of discomfort or anxiety with reciprocation, or what really, really, really gets them bent out of shape,

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makes them very uncomfortable, is when other people try to initiate care.

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So what these people have a lot of difficulty tolerating is a sense of lopsided care.

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So I'm okay giving, but I'm not okay receiving

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and the only circumstances in which I will receive is

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if I have given first or you are guaranteed that we'll be able to reciprocate this, right?

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And if you kind of think about this, what these people crave is exactly what makes them uncomfortable,

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which is like, I'm spending my whole life taking care of other people.

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Oh my God, I wish someone would take care of me.

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So this also manifests professionally.

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So these people tend to be what we call over -functioning at work, right?

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So they're like basically like some of these people nowadays who are using AI to do three jobs.

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You're like that, except you're not doing AI.

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You're just doing three jobs.

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So these people struggle a lot with delegation.

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They struggle a lot with assigning responsibility.

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So even if you have maybe subordinates or co -workers who like have work that they are responsible for, you have a tendency to micromanage.

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You have a tendency to check.

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You have to like make sure that they don't screw up because they're fundamentally unreliable.

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So I have to make sure that things are okay

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And the really scary thing about this is that in a professional setting or in relationships

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What we see with a lot of these people is the buildup of a silent resentment

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So as you engage in these patterns and you're like, oh my god

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Like this person is like such a dumbass

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and like I can't rely on them I have to check I have to check I have to check

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and as you do this you feel cognitively

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And this is what's so confusing about a schema.

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You feel cognitive you can look at this and you can say hey

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This is unfair.

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I shouldn't be doing this

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And so as you end up doing it again and again and again, and things become more and more and more lopsided,

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this gap is where your resentment starts to build.

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And sometimes what will happen with these people is that resentment builds

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so much that they kind of crack and they shift gears into this pattern of like,

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okay, it's just going to be all about all oak all the time.

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F everybody else.

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I just got to look out for myself.

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I got to separate from the world other people can go f themselves

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but unfortunately deciding overnight to become a boss babe

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and over reliance on yourself severing your connections is sort of this like rebound response from the schema

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and oftentimes what these people will do is they'll do

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that for a while but then the feelings of guilt these other fundamental things

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if i'm going to be a boss babe but

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when someone shows up and tries to do something nice for me I'm going to say, That still doesn't work, right?

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Because what I'm doing is there's this schema of like,

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I'm the caregiver, they're the caretaker and becoming like hyper independent is actually scrapping away with that entirely.

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And then the problem is I don't have a clear way to relate to people, right?

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So if I've decided like, I'm going to F everybody else in my life, I'm going to live my own life.

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Then like, how do I form a healthy relationship?

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Because it's all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

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And then that really bothers you because you're not selfish, right?

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So you have a sense of self -esteem

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that is based on your capacity to give and you don't want to be the selfish person because there's a selfish person, there's a selfless person.

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And why don't you want to be the selfish person?

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Because you know what it's like to be on the receiving end of unreciprocated care.

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So emotionally, these people feel a lot of fatigue and burnout.

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And this is the really interesting thing.

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The fatigue and burnout are seen as oftentimes personal failures, right?

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So I'm so tired.

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Like, let's say you have a, you know, a parent who's ill.

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And one day you're like, man, I'm just so tired.

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And then how does the child respond to

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that they're like oh my god i'm

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so weak i need to be better

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this is a personal failing the the seven -year -old child

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who's like making chicken noodle soup for their chronically ill mother is not thinking to themselves the reason

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i feel tired and burnt out is

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because of my circumstances now oftentimes as we grow up we'll start to have insight into this

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but understanding that your fatigue is not a personal failure

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but is a structural problem based on the the structure

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and shape of your relationships is a really important shift that needs to be made.

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Oftentimes, the other primary emotional thing that'll happen in the schema is people will feel a lot of guilt

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or some kind of negative emotion.

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A sense of self -judgment or weakness is also pretty common.

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When you relax, have fun, or engage in pleasure.

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So when you try to do the things that you crave, and this is why it's so hard to break out of the schema,

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just think about this for a second.

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I'm like, man, I wish I had a day off.

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And then when your day off comes, oh my God, I'm so lazy.

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I'm wasting my time.

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So I want you all to think about when you engage in pleasure, if your internal emotional reaction is guilt,

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then like, how can you possibly engage in pleasure?

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And that's the problem with the schema.

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The schema shapes your reactions to things that are healthy for you, right?

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So in a real game, cheating is bad.

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In Munchkin, cheating is good.

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But so your reaction is being perverted by the schema.

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So that's why it's so hard to take a day off, because when you take a day off,

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a normal person, a person without this maladaptive schema, may experience pleasure, relaxation.

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Oh, my God, one day off is never enough.

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I wish I could have be retired, right?

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They want more of it.

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But your emotional reaction to some pleasurable activities is negative.

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And so then how are you supposed to move towards that if your body is punishing you,

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your mind is punishing you with like guilt and like self -critical talk.

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The other way this schema manifests is in our thoughts.

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Okay.

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So schema therapy is built off of cognitive behavioral therapy

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and a lot of other things that are mixed together because there are a lot of shortcomings of cognitive behavioral therapy,

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but the cognitions are also well, well mapped in schema therapy.

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So these are cognitions like I have to do it.

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If I don't do it, nobody else will.

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If I don't check, it won't be good enough.

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And also that that's one side of cognitions.

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The other side of cognitions is if you need help, that makes you weak, that makes you a burden,

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that makes you pathetic, that makes you fundamentally not a good person, okay?

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And then the really common result of all of these things is people will sort of like push up against the schema.

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They'll try to do things like, I got to set better boundaries.

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I got to like treat myself.

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I got to take days off.

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I got to learn how to relax.

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I got to do this.

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I need to learn how to meditate.

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I need to learn how to therapy.

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I need to learn how to emotional regulation, right?

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Once again, what are all these things?

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What do you need to do?

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These are all personal failings.

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Yeah, you need to learn how to be better, right?

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That is how deep a schema goes.

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Even in your attempt to solve the problem, you are operating within the problem.

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This is a personal failing of yours.

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So usually what ends up happening, and this is not like permanent, but people will run against, they'll have a lot of friction against the schema.

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They'll be unhappy, building up this silent resentment.

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They'll try to break out.

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And then eventually what happens, and this is what causes people to like fall back into it, is a sense of surrender.

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So they're like, oh, I just can't handle it.

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I can't figure this out.

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And then you'll kind of slip back into the pattern for a while.

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Resentment builds up and then you try to break free.

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And then you're like, oh, so there's sort of this sense of resignation.

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And this is where the term burnout really comes in.

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When these people get burnt out, that's when they stop fighting against the schema and surrender back into the pattern.

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So the really interesting thing is that self -sacrificing as a trait isn't necessarily maladaptive.

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What happens in a lot of people who are self -sacrificing to the point of depleting themselves is

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that the self -sacrificing schema combines with a second schema, which is the unrelenting standard schema.

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So this is a schema that has a couple of different rules.

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First of all, a sense or a drive for perfectionism that is independent of achievement, right?

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So many of us want to do a good job, right?

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So I'm perfectionistic and I want to do good.

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But then what should happen if I'm perfectionistic is when I try really hard and I do a really good job,

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I should feel good about it, right?

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So it's like, hey, I studied hard.

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I got a test.

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Time to relax.

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Time to have a good time.

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Time to celebrate.

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But for some people, their sense of perfectionism is not satisfied by actual achievements.

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And this is what makes it feel so relentless, okay?

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Because even if you do a good job, that internal voice is still there telling you, you need to do good, you need to do good,

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you need to do good.

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So it is a perfectionism that is unusually persistent.

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And this schema also has two things that we've talked about.

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One is self -worth that depends on performance, right?

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So this is the unrelenting standard.

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So my sense of identity, my sense of self -worth depends on doing a good job and a lot of difficulty with rest and relaxation.

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Because if I'm resting, if I'm relaxing, that's scary, that's not good, maybe I'll screw up.

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The perfectionistic tendency in my mind is going to not let me relax.

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And I think schemas are, this is another important point here where you may say, okay, is this perfectionism?

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Well, where if we look at like perfectionism,

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this is the important thing about a schema you can be perfectionistic and still be like relatively mentally happy, right?

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So perfectionism is a personality trait that in a certain upbringing, you have certain perfectionistic tendencies.

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And in a certain upbringing, that perfectionism becomes mutated to be incredibly self -critical,

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something that does not allow you to enjoy the results of your labor.

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Okay.

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So this is another good example of why people with the schema may say, they may look at themselves and may say, okay, I am perfectionistic.

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How do I target perfectionism?

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Whereas that's not actually what you need to target.

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What you need to target is a mutated version of perfectionism.

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You need to target that mutation.

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So these people also have another really important feature, which is they need proof of their self -worth.

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So their sense of identity is not something that is internally born, is not like, I feel good about myself.

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Like I practice self -love and self -compassion or they don't practice.

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I mean, maybe they do practice because it's not intrinsic for them.

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They have to practice self -love and self -compassion, all these kinds of things.

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But what they usually find, what their mind really craves is proof of their status,

423

proof of achievement, proof of productivity, proof of caregiving.

424

Because when they get those external signals, they kind of calm down.

425

So now let's talk about how this develops and hopefully this will give some some clarity.

426

So these people with this sort of hyper perfectionistic, internally criticizing voice usually grow up in an environment that is like fundamentally unsafe,

427

or fundamentally has conditional acceptance, the same two that we kind of talked about earlier, but they manifest in a slightly different way.

428

So they grow up in environments where their nervous system.

429

So there's some really fascinating research that this is like, just as physiologic as it is mental so the nervous system is panicking

430

and what does what calms down the nervous system like getting an award like getting an a

431

and then the nervous system calms down it's like oh thank god like

432

if i don't get an a like mom

433

or dad is going to be pissed like i'm going to get my ass beat

434

so like i got to get an a or

435

when i get an a this still happens to me

436

which blows my mind like but it's just so baked in right

437

so i'm dr k i'm all of kenogia

438

i spent years studying become a monk went to harvard medical school was faculty

439

there for years one of the most followed psychiatrists on the planet.

440

And the thing that blows my mind is like how quickly my mom compares, like it's automatic.

441

She compares all of the things that random people are doing better to me.

442

She's like, Hey, these people take their kids to church every week.

443

These people are doing this with their kids.

444

These people are doing this with their kids.

445

And it's just like automatic.

446

Like I enter the room

447

and she's talking about how like all these people are doing all this shit that I'm not doing.

448

And I'm like, what, what?

449

Like, so, so I realized

450

that this is something that's very common for south asian parents right oh

451

you got like you got an a on the test like why aren't

452

you number one right oh like this kid like you may be at the top of your class

453

but this kid this is your cousins aunts nephews in law is like not only number one in his class

454

but he's also an astronaut

455

like why you slack it bro so people grow up in these environments with very very very high expectations.

456

And the really scary thing is it's not just expectations.

457

It becomes safety because there is a threat within the household that unless you live up to these standards,

458

there's going to be some kind of punishment.

459

So this is what becomes really scary is like achieving is not about achieving anymore.

460

Achieving becomes survival.

461

Achieving becomes safety.

462

And so what that means is unless I'm getting these really positive signals of achievement,

463

of perfection, like the only way I can be safe is to be number one, right?

464

Their nervous system in the same way that we have like evolved to have like be scared of threats, right?

465

So if like I'm walking down the street and like a bear charges at me,

466

my nervous system is going to respond and I can't really like control that response.

467

And this is what's so scary

468

and what is transformative about schema oriented work in psychiatry is

469

these people are going through life with their nervous system telling them, unless you are at the top of your class,

470

unless you're fucking perfect, the reaction that it has is this bear is charging at you.

471

So these people say, why is it that when I do a good job over and over and over and over again,

472

why does that not build my self -esteem?

473

I've been doing such a good job.

474

I've been taking care of people for so long.

475

Why do I still feel like shit?

476

Why is the feeling of relief, the feeling of being good,

477

the feeling of pride, why is it so temporary? because you look at other people and you're like,

478

this person did a good job and then they did this and then they did this and they've developed confidence.

479

Now they have the internal strength to set boundaries.

480

They know what their own worth is, but I do all of the same things, but I don't know what my worth is.

481

My worth still feels frustratingly dependent on the approval of others.

482

How do I break free of this?

483

And this is because at a very young age, they learned that making other people happy,

484

doing an exceptional job is the only way to protect myself.

485

And this is where things get really interesting because oftentimes what these people will have, Young describes this beautifully.

486

He says they have an internal critical parent.

487

Okay.

488

So he calls it demanding parent, but it's like an internal critical voice.

489

And so these people will look at this and they'll say like,

490

yeah, I have this running dialogue in my head that like gets pissed at me unless I do something perfect.

491

So if I try to relax, it's like, oh my God, you could be doing this, you could be doing this,

492

you could be doing this, right?

493

It has this really critical voice, which on the one hand,

494

we may say on a psychological perspective is just internalized from your parents, like literally, right?

495

So they spoke to you in a certain way, and then you internalize their words into your own internal dialogue.

496

But sometimes that realization and working on that doesn't work.

497

And this is the critical step that people are missing.

498

If you have a critical internal dialogue and you're saying, I need to learn self -compassion.

499

I need to talk better to myself.

500

I need to do cognitive reframe.

501

All those techniques are good.

502

But sometimes there's a piece missing.

503

And this is that piece.

504

It is that the internal dialogue, remember, achievement is safety, right?

505

This is the only way that you can be safe.

506

So how can you guarantee safety?

507

You criticize yourself relentlessly.

508

So when your parents are brutal with you, like you're a piece of shit.

509

this kid did so good.

510

This kid did so good.

511

That kid did so good.

512

And that hurts, right?

513

Like it hurts to try your hardest and have your parents be like, I love him more.

514

Instead of being proud of your A, they're like disappointed in you.

515

So how does a 12 year old, 13 year old, 10 year old,

516

8 year old child protect themselves from the hurt of a parent who is disappointed in them when they achieve.

517

Really simple.

518

You program yourself with their voice.

519

I know what I'm going to do.

520

I'm going to beat myself up because if I beat myself up enough, the likelihood that I achieve increases.

521

And if I beat myself up, then I achieve.

522

And if I achieve, mommy or daddy will be proud of me.

523

The internal demanding parent, the internal critical voice is not a problem.

524

It is a solution.

525

It is your avenue towards safety.

526

Those are the legs that help you run away from the bear that is chasing you.

527

And until you realize that this is the core function that it's serving, it's really hard to break free.

528

So the unrelenting standard schema manifests in a couple of ways.

529

So let's start with relational.

530

So this is people becoming people pleasers, but not like the doormat style people pleaser.

531

This is like, I cannot afford to have people dislike me.

532

So this isn't like the obsequious like, oh, please, sir, don't be mad at me.

533

Don't be mad.

534

This is like, okay, I got to be good.

535

I got to have people like me.

536

I got to be dependable.

537

I have to have people like understand that I'm dependable, that I'm a good person.

538

I need to show people how dependable and great I am, right?

539

So it's sort of this weird inflated standard that you are living up to.

540

You want to be great in other people's eyes.

541

And once again, this relates to safety because If you're great in other people's eyes, that means you're no longer in danger, okay?

542

So this can also manifest as more obsequious, people -pleasing, trying to make people happy.

543

But generally speaking, it is the need to be great in front of other people.

544

But this is not ego.

545

This is not narcissism.

546

This is safety.

547

Second thing, behavioral.

548

This leads to a lot of overwork, okay?

549

People work incredibly hard.

550

You may do a lot, even if you're burnt out.

551

This also leads to having a lot of difficult with this idea of like,

552

don't let perfect be the enemy of good you're like, yeah, fuck that.

553

Like, we got to be perfect.

554

Good enough is not good enough.

555

Like, this is terrible.

556

It feels like antithetical to be good enough.

557

The foundation of this is not the emotional reaction that you have.

558

You can try to control that reaction, but as long as the schema is persistent, it will be dictating your emotional reactions.

559

Next thing.

560

So this is fascinating.

561

From an emotional perspective, Jung has some beautiful stuff written about this.

562

These people have what I would call a persistent percolating anxiety.

563

So they have this feeling of like always looking for relief, but never actually finding it.

564

You have this like low grade, like background, like, you know, whatever the black body radiation in the universe level of like anxiety, right?

565

You have just this constant like, oh my God, like, oh my God.

566

It's not even like focal.

567

It's not like, oh my God, this thing, or oh my God, that thing.

568

It's like just this background.

569

Oh my God.

570

Oh my God and it's kind of unformed.

571

And that's why it's so hard to pinpoint.

572

That's why it's so hard to fix because it's just this background level of like, oh my God, these people also have this,

573

this feeling of always looking to relax, but they never get there.

574

So it's like, okay, if I do this, there's this very intense hunger, this perfectionism, right?

575

I need to achieve this.

576

I need to achieve it a lot.

577

I need to do a really good job.

578

I need to do a good job.

579

And I need to going to do a good job.

580

But even if you do a good job, that feeling is very temporary or you never achieve it.

581

Even after doing a good job, this is a really common reaction.

582

You're like, oh my god, I have this presentation.

583

It's got to be great.

584

You go and you do the presentation and it's great.

585

And your reaction is, oh shit, now people are going to expect this of me every time.

586

Now every presentation that I have to do, if I do even 1 % less than this, people are going to be disappointed.

587

It's like instead of celebrating a victory, you're already terrified of future disappointment.

588

And so it really wears on people, like really just wears on your nervous system, burns people out.

589

Last thing is that in terms of cognitions, we see a lot of black or white thinking, a lot of all or nothing thinking.

590

And the other really common thing is like different standards for yourself versus other people.

591

You guys have heard me talk about imposter syndrome.

592

These are also elements of that, right?

593

Where it's like other people can have a good presentation and that demonstrates how hard working and awesome they are.

594

But if I have a good presentation, that means I got lucky.

595

That means that I barely scraped by.

596

And other people can afford to celebrate.

597

I cannot.

598

So now hopefully you guys understand what I said at the beginning of the video.

599

I want y 'all to go back and like listen to that initial presentation and see how this is not about perfectionism.

600

This is not about guilt.

601

This is not about boundary setting.

602

This is about the fundamental programming,

603

the rules of the game that are in your mind through which you interpret your interactions with other people.

604

The schema dictates what emotions arise.

605

And so if you try to solve the emotion or you try to solve perfectionism or you try to set boundaries, you're not targeting the root.

606

So how do we target the root?

607

So the first step, arguably sufficient, arguably the most important thing to do is actually insight, is to actually understand.

608

So as I've done work with people as a psychiatrist, I'm more and more convinced that their biggest problem is a misdiagnosis problem.

609

They think this is perfectionism.

610

They think this is weak boundary setting.

611

So you try to solve this little problem.

612

But once you see the pattern, once you realize, oh, my internal self -critic is actually trying to protect me from doing a bad job.

613

And if I do a bad job, I'm going to feel terrible about myself.

614

I'm going to feel unsafe.

615

My world will come crashing down unless I do a good enough job.

616

That's why I have an internal self -critic, right?

617

So the solution to that is not to get rid of the internal critic because then everything will fall apart.

618

The solution of that is to learn how to feel safe independent of your performance.

619

So the next thing that I think is important to develop is what I would call like a healthy schema, okay?

620

So there's like all of these schemas are designed to protect you from a certain environment in your upbringing, okay?

621

So they're misapplied over here.

622

So I think about this, you know, my mom asked me the other day,

623

why is it that so many college football stars don't become great NFL football players?

624

And my sense of this, I don't really know, I'm not an expert in this,

625

but what I've noticed is that there are some strategies that work at low rank.

626

Like if I'm playing like low rank

627

League of Legends or Dota or like Valorant or Marvel Rivals or whatever, like I can get away with some stuff.

628

But as I move up through the ranks, as I move into different situations, these strategies start becoming ineffective.

629

They become maladaptive.

630

So what we need to do is learn a healthy way of engaging in the world.

631

And this has a couple of really important points.

632

Okay.

633

The first is learn to accept help.

634

So recognize that when other people try to help you, you're going to have this very negative reaction.

635

Wait for it.

636

Look at it.

637

Practice receiving help.

638

Second thing, be on the lookout for an absence of reciprocity.

639

And this is the really weird thing.

640

Absence of reciprocity in relationships will make you feel comfortable.

641

It won't make you feel good.

642

It'll make you feel comfortable.

643

It'll be familiar territory.

644

So when you start to enter into reciprocal relationships, literally what this is going to look like is you're going to do something for somebody else.

645

And then they're going to want to do something back for you.

646

And if they do something back for you, it's not quits.

647

Now you're like, oh, crap.

648

The only safe way to exist in a relationship is for somebody else to be indebted to you.

649

So if you do them a solid and they do you a solid, that's not good enough.

650

I got to do them a solid.

651

You always want to stay one step ahead.

652

And here's the really scary thing.

653

As you're always staying one step ahead, you never want to be in anybody's debt.

654

And the safest place to be is for other people to

655

be indebted to you you are always going to build up resentment because things are unequal.

656

So you need to notice this pattern in your life and let things be equal.

657

And oh, the other scary thing you can do is let someone do something nice for you.

658

And then you do something really weird.

659

Okay.

660

This may sound really confusing.

661

So there's this thing that normal humans do when someone does something nice for them.

662

So they say, thank you.

663

And then they don't do anything else.

664

They just stop.

665

They say, thank you.

666

They express appreciation.

667

They receive the gift with love and then they stop, right?

668

So these are the microscopic things that if you're like, oh my God, that feels so bad.

669

You see how it's like saying thank you after someone does something nice is what we teach our children to do, right?

670

We're like, hey, if you want to be like a social human being, little one, when someone does something nice,

671

we don't say panic and put them in your debt, bitch.

672

We say, say thank you.

673

And that's like literally what we teach kids is the end of the interaction.

674

And here you are with someone doing something nice to you and you say, thank you.

675

You're like, ah, you see how the schema shapes your reaction to things, right?

676

And then like, here's the other really like interesting sign that it's a schema.

677

If I ask you what's wrong with saying thank you and some part of you goes, ah, and you cannot verbalize it.

678

That means that this schema formed before you had, it's pre -verbal, really cool concept.

679

So like this, these rules were baked in before your brain had the capacity to put things into words or understanding.

680

So it's like this really weird, primitive feeling.

681

So you got to learn how to say thank you.

682

So another part of healthy adulting is being able to relax, right?

683

So it's recognizing that when you relax, there's going to be some kind of weird, like obsession with efficiency.

684

So the only way that these people can relax is they're going to say like, okay, if I relax, if I relax,

685

then I'm going to come in on Monday morning

686

and I'm going to be so energetic that I can work twice as hard.

687

Relaxation is how I become the most productive and most efficient ever.

688

No, no. Relaxation has no benefit beyond shocking, beyond your enjoyment.

689

You're like, there's that pre -verbal schema happening.

690

Like, I can't do that.

691

Can you just take a day, just one day that is not for any other reason than your enjoyment?

692

And you will say, oh yes, the schema will operate.

693

It'll say, yes, wonderful.

694

Dr. K is teaching me about schemas.

695

I know what I need to do.

696

To chip away at my schema, I need to relax one day.

697

But if you do it to chip away at your schema, you are turning your relaxation into productivity.

698

No. You have to have a useless relaxation day.

699

No benefit.

700

Just enjoy yourself.

701

And it's got to be a waste.

702

There's no psychological growth.

703

There's no leveling up.

704

There's nothing.

705

Being a healthy adult means sometimes taking some time for yourself.

706

And be prepared for the wall of fire that is like all these emotions when you try to do that.

707

Be prepared for the sneakiness of the schema, trying to hijack your relaxation and turn it into productivity and efficiency.

708

And if I can learn how to relax, I will be a more perfect human being.

709

I know I'm flawed.

710

I can't relax.

711

I need to be more perfect.

712

So therefore, let me learn this skill of relaxation and then I will be a more complete human being.

713

Don't let the schema work its way into it, okay?

714

Last thing, the schema is structural.

715

So if you are in an environment where people demand this of you,

716

it will be perpetuated and perpetuated in the way that a potter's wheel is perpetuated.

717

It's not that it's going to be forever, but as long as you're in that environment, it's like spinning the wheel, right?

718

So if you leave the environment over time, it will start to die down.

719

And oftentimes what will happen is y 'all will be in situations like a marriage with kids.

720

Or parents who are ill, where you can't just unplug from the situation.

721

But this is where you have to sort of build your bridge one brick at a time.

722

And so it can feel very, very like unproductive or inefficient, but be aware that the environment will perpetuate it.

723

So if you guys want more concrete skills on how to behave within that relational structure,

724

strongly recommend you guys check out a membership video we have with Dr. Gauri Aragam.

725

Dr. Aragam is a friend of mine from residency, also a Harvard -trained physician,

726

also the number one psychiatrist that I would send people that I love and in my life to.

727

She's just an absolutely brilliant psychiatrist, probably better than I am.

728

I don't know.

729

I've never seen a head -to -head comparison.

730

But she has this awesome video called Being Authentic with Family.

731

It's a two -hour deep dive that really gets into this stuff.

732

And she's really good with female relational issues.

733

So you to a free trial where y 'all can check it out.

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このレッスンの語彙とスピーキングのポイント

このスピーキングレッスンは、動画「Why Being the Most Reliable Person Is Ruining You」を教材にしています。この動画には、シャドーイング用の文が733文、単語が8791語あります。音声の長さは45:43です。話す速さは速く、1分あたり約192語です。音のつながりや弱く発音される音が多くなります。単語の85%は英語の頻出3,000語に含まれます。残りは練習の前に確認しておきましょう。

この動画の重要語彙

動画に出てくる覚えておきたい単語15語を、発音と意味つきで紹介します。

単語	発音	意味
relax 動詞	/ɹɪˈlæks/	くつろがせる
guilt 名詞	/ɡɪlt/	有罪, 罪
boundary 名詞	/ˈbaʊndɹi/	境界, 境
sacrifice 名詞	/ˈsæk.ɹɪ.faɪs/	犠牲, 生贄
emotion 名詞	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	感情, 心緒
esteem 動詞	/ɪˈstiːm/	重んじる, 敬う
relaxation 名詞	/rᵻˌlækˈseɪ.ʃən/	寛ぎ, 息抜き
scary 形容詞	/ˈskɛə.ɹi/	怖い
resentment 名詞	/ɹɪˈzɛnt.mənt/	恨み, 憤慨
solve 動詞	/sɒlv/	解決する
presentation 名詞	/ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/	贈呈
cheat 動詞	/ˈt͡ʃiːt/	騙す, まやかす
psychiatrist 名詞	/ˌsaɪˈkaɪ.ə.tɹɪst/	精神科医
tricky 形容詞	/ˈtɹɪk.i/	狡猾な
manifest 名詞	/ˈmæn.ɪ.fɛst/	積荷目録

動画に出てくる句動詞

単語	意味
calm down 動詞	落ち着く
grow up 動詞	成長する, 大人に成る
go back 動詞	戻る, 帰る
break out 動詞	脱出する
check out 動詞	試験する, 検査する

繰り返し練習したい文

動画に出てくる短く完結した文です。日常会話でそのまま使えます。

Can you get me water?
Then like, how do I form a healthy relationship?
What do you need to do?
How do I target perfectionism?
How do I break free of this?

この動画の文法

話し手がよく使っている文型を、動画の実際の表現とともに紹介します。

文型	動画での表現
条件文 if + 節, will/would + 動詞 — 条件とその結果	if I don't, then things will fall · If I don't, then other people will suffer · If I don't do it, nobody else will
現在完了進行形 have/has been + -ing — 以前に始まり今も続いている動作	I've been doing · I've been taking
現在完了形 have/has + 過去分詞 — 過去の出来事が今も関係している	I've worked · you've watched · have you done
受動態 be + 過去分詞 — 誰がするかより、何が起きるかに焦点を当てる	is surrounded · are formed · be shaped

注意したい発音

話し手はI'm, you're, don'tなど、短縮形や弱形を188回使っています。聞こえたとおりの短い形で発音しましょう。

「sh」と「zh」の音: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, relaxation /rᵻˌlækˈseɪ.ʃən/, presentation /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
長い単語（アクセントの位置に注意）: psychiatrist /ˌsaɪˈkaɪ.ə.tɹɪst/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/

日本語話者が苦手な音：

/r/ と /l/ の区別 — /l/ は舌先を歯茎につけ、/r/ はどこにもつけない: relax /ɹɪˈlæks/, relaxation /rᵻˌlækˈseɪ.ʃən/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, rely /ɹɪˈlaɪ/, voluntary /ˈvɑ.lənˌt(ɛ)ɹi/
/v/ — /b/ にならないように、上の歯を下唇に当てる: solve /sɒlv/, achievement /əˈt͡ʃiːv.mənt/, cognitive /ˈkɑɡ.nɪ.tɪv/, productivity /ˌpɹɒdʌkˈtɪvəti/, excessive /ɪkˈsɛsɪv/
/f/ — 「フ」ではなく、上の歯と下唇で出す: sacrifice /ˈsæk.ɹɪ.faɪs/, manifest /ˈmæn.ɪ.fɛst/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, difficulty /ˈdɪfɪkəlti/

この動画での練習方法

まず声を出さずに動画を最後まで聞き、知らない単語をメモします。
まず0.75倍速で一文ずつシャドーイングし、慣れてきたら通常の速度に戻します。
自分の声を録音して元の音声と比べます。relax, guilt, boundaryなどの単語に特に注意しましょう。

シャドーイングとは？英語上達に効果的な理由

シャドーイング（Shadowing）は、もともとプロの通訳者養成プログラムで開発された言語学習法で、多言語習得者として知られるDr. Alexander Arguelles によって広く普及されました。方法はシンプルですが非常に効果的：ネイティブスピーカーの英語を聞きながら、1〜2秒の遅延で声に出してすぐに繰り返す——まるで「影（shadow）」のように話者を追いかけます。文法ドリルや受動的なリスニングと異なり、シャドーイングは脳と口の筋肉が同時にリアルタイムで英語を処理・再現することを強制します。研究により、発音精度、抑揚、リズム、連音、リスニング力、そして会話の流暢さが大幅に向上することが確認されています。IELTSスピーキング対策や自然な英語コミュニケーションを目指す方に特におすすめです。

シャドーイングのやり方: ステップ別の完全ガイドを読む →

シャドーイング練習: Why Being the Most Reliable Person Is Ruining You - 動画で英語スピーキングを学ぶ

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シャドーイングとは？英語上達に効果的な理由