Shadowing Practice: Why Being the Most Reliable Person Is Ruining You - Learn English Speaking with Video
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This is not about perfectionism, this is not about guilt, this is not about boundary setting.
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This is about the fundamental programming,
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the rules of the game that are in your mind through which you interpret your interactions with other people.
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The schema dictates what emotions arise.
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And so if you try to solve the emotion or you try to solve perfectionism or you try to set boundaries, you're not targeting the root.
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As a psychiatrist, I see this incredibly central pattern in so many of the women and many of the men that I've worked with,
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that they are the default caregiver.
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They are the responsible one.
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They're surrounded by people who would like fall apart if they stopped doing the supporting role.
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And this leads to a lot of draining, first of all, but it also leads to a lot of frustration
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because these people feel bound by their circumstances
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and as the resentment builds up as the anger builds up what they'll sometimes do is like swing the pendulum
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so they'll be like okay i need to be more independent
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i need to stop letting everybody rely on me
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i need to look out for myself i need to advocate for myself
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so they sort of swing into this hyper independence
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and they may even do that for a while but as they do that,
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some kind of weird circumstance or like gravitational force pulls them back into that old environment.
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And that gravitational force could be feeling guilty, right?
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They're like, oh my god, I feel like such a terrible person.
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And now all these people are struggling.
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It could be being vulnerable to guilt tripping, right?
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People call you and they're like, oh my god, you left and like now I can't do anything.
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Then you kind of feel bad.
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It could even be anger towards yourself and other people.
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And sometimes even when you try to pull away,
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you may find yourself stumbling into additional relationships where people take advantage of you,
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where like you meet people at work and like, they're like, they need help.
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So you kind of step up, right?
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There's this big attitude of sort of stepping up.
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And so the tricky thing about this is
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if you're someone who's like chronically depleted
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and you're someone who is surrounded by people who don't have their shit together and you're the one that they rely on.
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The real problem with this is that you may look at this and you may think like, okay, I need to set better boundaries.
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Fair enough, right?
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So like I need to set firm boundaries.
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But as you try to set firm boundaries, like it works for some people, but something gets in the way.
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This kind of feels a little bit like whack -a -mole and it seems like nothing is sufficient.
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And this problem of whack -a -mole not working is something that I saw years ago, right?
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So I started making content on the internet and it's like, okay, I teach this, here's how to deal with perfectionism.
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Here's how to emotionally regulate.
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But for some people, they don't see outcomes.
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Literally why I built the coaching program.
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Because sometimes what happens is you need someone else to help you understand the specific nature and kind of like
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intersection of different problems that you have.
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And we, our coaches get great outcomes, do a really, really, really good job.
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And so if you're someone for whom whack -a -mole doesn't seem to be working,
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or you've watched a lot of content on the internet and you're not getting the progress that you're really looking for,
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consider working with one of our coaches.
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So what do you do about this?
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And this is where we're going to explain a really important concept today, which is the concept of a schema.
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And what a schema is, is like a foundational thing that shapes the way that you interact with the world.
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And the tricky thing about today's video is if you guys have this problem,
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actually the most important thing that you need to do is understand it.
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You don't actually need to do anything.
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The problem is that what you need to understand is so subconscious,
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is so baked into the assumptions of how you interact with the world
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that like kind of dictates what keeps on happening to you.
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Okay.
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But the challenge that I have in this video is like,
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this is so foundational that it's kind of hard to see and kind of hard to understand.
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So what I want you guys to do is first of all,
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bear with me, because it's going to be a little bit abstract and then we'll get into the details.
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And then after you are done understanding what a schema is, go back and re -examine these issues.
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Listen to the introduction again, and then see it through the lens of schema.
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If you are able to do that, that will be the most important step that you take for breaking this pattern, okay?
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So let's start with what a schema is.
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So a schema is a pattern of interacting with the world.
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And what I mean by pattern is it isn't like an emotion, it isn't a worldview, it isn't a way of socially interacting with other people,
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it's all of those things put together, okay?
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So schemas are formed in adolescence and the way that I kind of describe it in layman's terms,
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it is the rules of the game that you learned.
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Okay.
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So I'll give you all a simple example.
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There's this game that I used to play many years ago called Munchkin.
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It's a card game.
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And the whole point of Munchkin is that like cheating is okay.
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Right.
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So it's a game that cheating is part of the rules.
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So if someone cheats like, and they win, that's not something that pisses people off.
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I mean, it may still piss people off, but that is something that is fully acceptable versus let's say you're not playing Munchkin.
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Let's say you're playing like bridge or something else.
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Okay.
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Or chess or whatever.
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And then someone cheats the way that you perceive what they're doing, your emotional reactions to their actions,
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and even the way that you engage with them will all be shaped by this set of assumptions.
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So schemas are sort of the like the rules of the game of life that we are taught.
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And for people who are consistently depended upon, consistently emotionally depleted, who just surround themselves with various people,
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subconsciously you are playing the game of life with a certain set of rules
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that creates these reactions over and over and over again, okay?
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So let's start with the first major schema, which is a self -sacrificing schema.
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So this is characterized by a couple of really important things.
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The first is excessive and voluntary focus on meeting others' needs at the cost of one's own satisfaction, okay?
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So there's a couple of important features of this.
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It's kind of like compulsive that you take care of other people more so than yourself.
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The tricky thing about this, the really confusing thing about this,
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the really frustrating, like self -anger kind of provoking thing is that this is voluntary, right?
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You kind of choose to do this.
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People will ask you for help and you can say no, but you don't.
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And not only do you volunteer to help people, but the amount of help that you provide is usually excessive.
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Like you don't do a mediocre job.
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You do a very good job.
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If you're taking care of someone who's sick, you're going to really knock it out of the park.
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If someone needs help, you are not going to be the person that half -asses it.
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So it is both excessive and voluntary.
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And oftentimes meeting other people's needs comes at the cost of your own satisfaction.
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Second thing is a sense of guilt when you prioritize yourself.
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So notice that what a schema is, it's like this pattern, right?
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So it's not just that you have guilt.
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It is that if I do something for myself, the way that I am wired is like, even if it's completely acceptable,
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if I'm like, hey, like this is my day off, I get days off.
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It's completely reasonable to get days off.
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But if someone asks for my help, and then on my day off, if I take my day off, I feel incredibly guilty.
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So this is how a schema works.
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It's kind of a pattern that evokes certain emotions in inappropriate situations or in maladaptive ways, right?
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So the way to get underneath a schema is not to just focus on the guilt.
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It's to really understand the pattern that is creating the inappropriate guilt.
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This self -sacrifice schema also has an element of self -identity in it, which is specifically an inflated sense of responsibility for others.
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So as human beings in life, we all have some degree of responsibility to our fellow human beings.
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But in people who have a self -sacrificing schema, their sense of responsibility towards others is inflated.
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Other people should help people a little bit, but I have to help people a lot.
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That's kind of this core drive that you have, right?
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Somewhere written in your programming is the idea that I have to help other people a lot.
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And there are all kinds of thoughts that go with this.
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So if I don't, then things will fall apart.
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If I don't, then other people will suffer.
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If I don't, they're not going to be able to handle it.
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So this sense of responsibility has two major kind of divisions.
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It's other people's needs become your responsibility and other people's feelings become your responsibility.
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So think a little bit about how you feel this grippy responsibility towards other people,
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but like, it's not good enough to just do what they need.
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It is also important for you to make sure that they feel good about it.
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Okay.
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And we'll get to where this comes from in a second.
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The last part of this schema, the self -sacrificing schema is difficulty in receiving care or attention.
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So here's you overworked, taking too much responsibility and burnt out
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and then along comes someone in your life who's like hey bro you seem burnt out
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and tired let me help let me do something nice for you
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and you kind of like on some level you may appreciate
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that but something in your programming makes you feel really uncomfortable
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if people are focusing on you
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if people are taking care on you it becomes hard you have this weird reaction of like craving I'm giving...
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other people's support but when they actually give it some part of you can activate
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and feel really uncomfortable
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so how do you get to be this way how do
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you end up with this set of rules in your head well
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it turns out depends a lot usually on your upbringing right
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because we are psychiatrists here so it's all about your childhood
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so let's understand so a really common feature of these people is parentification
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so this is when a child grows up in an environment
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that is unstable in some way where the parents don't do the job of parents.
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So the child has to do the job of parents.
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So this can look like a couple of things.
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Okay.
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The first that oftentimes people miss is an emotionally unstable environment.
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So you may be thinking like, oh, like, it's not like I had to cook myself food or anything like that.
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Like my upbringing was okay.
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So if you grew up in an emotionally unstable environment, what oftentimes children learn is how to manage the emotions of their parents.
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So I see this a lot
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when I have kids who have parents who have a substance use disorder or basically addicts, right?
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Because even as a six -year -old child, you learn as a survival skill that you need to manage your parents' anger,
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frustration, their depression, their sadness, right?
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This happens so unconsciously and it's quite devastating
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because it becomes kind of like your unconscious responsibility to keep dad
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or mom calm like let's not have them flip out like we can't have them flip out
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now suddenly what's happening in this scenario is the parent is
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no longer responsible for their emotional regulation for their outbursts it becomes the child's responsibility and so
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if you sort of think about a parent -child relationship what's supposed to happen is kid is the one
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that's supposed to be throwing a temper tantrum right kid is the one
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that's supposed to throw like bait their fits i don't want to go to school i want to go to school
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And it's the parent's job to be the emotional container.
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So emotional instability really can lead to parentification on the part of the child.
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Another really common example is an ill parent.
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So when our parents are physically ill, have chronic illness, usually this is what I kind of see,
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we have kids who will have to step up.
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They will have to do everything from like, oh, mommy needs like medicine or daddy needs medicine.
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Can you get me water?
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They have to do things like they have to handle homework on their own.
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They may have to prepare their own meals.
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They may have to prepare meals for their parents, things like that.
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This is another scenario where children have to grow up way too fast, right?
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And if we think about what's happening with the child there, the child is learning that,
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okay, my role in this household is to take responsibility.
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Without me, things will start to fall apart.
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The other big pattern that leads to this schema later in life is conditional self -worth.
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So a child learns on some really basic level that love,
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acceptance, and even proximity with a parent depends on the value that I bring to the table.
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So if I do a good job, like let's say dad works really hard and isn't really available, but if I do a good job,
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then dad will take me out for dinner to celebrate.
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But the only time I see dad is when there's celebrations involved.
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When dad is proud of me that's when he pays attention to me okay
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so this conditional self -worth this is what's
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so tricky about it it teaches the child a really important lesson
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which is my self -esteem depends on what i give to others
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because there are some children who this is so sad
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but many people in our community will be like i don't understand unconditional love like i just don't fucking get
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it we don't live in a world with unconditional love the only thing that matters is like what you give people, right?
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People will say like, well, what have you done for me lately?
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And in a professional setting or something like that, like fair enough, right?
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Like you have a job, there's an exchange of your time and energy for some amount of compensation.
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Like, yeah, like you do have some worth in the world that is somewhat transactional.
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But hopefully when we're growing up, like I have a couple of kids,
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like hopefully they don't feel like my love for them or their value as a person
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depends on their performance that my affection as a father is not contingent upon their behavior.
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But there are many people who grow up in that way, where they basically learn, okay,
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I get safety, I get proximity by doing good, by being good.
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And then something really tricky happens, which is their self -identity,
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their self -esteem, their self -value gets intrinsically tied to doing good for other people or living up to other people's expectations.
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And this explains why this pattern is so hard to break.
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Because if your sense of self -esteem is tied up,
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is correlated, the rules of the game for you are self -esteem means doing good for others.
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I've also seen this pattern in highly religious households, which we'll get to in a couple minutes, right?
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If these two things are are intrinsically linked, then you can even as an adult.
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Look at your situation and say, I'm sacrificing too much.
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I need to look out for myself more.
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But as you start to pull away from the people that are dependent on you, the schema will activate and your sense of self -esteem,
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because this is the equation of self -esteem, will start to drop.
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This is why you will feel that gravitational pull, because you feel it's not just guilt.
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It's something that is even deeper than that.
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Your sense of identity starts to disintegrate.
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Your personhood starts to disintegrate as you move away from the role of a caregiver.
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Because if you are not a caregiver, then who are you?
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And so the body and mind don't like it when you move away from a secure sense of identity.
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You know how to play this game.
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You know who you are.
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You know how you fit into this drama, right?
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You know which part of the play you're supposed to occupy.
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But when you move away from it, it's very, very anxiety provoking, causes this weird existential dread.
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And like it basically the feeling is like, I don't know how to do this.
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So what kind of problems do we see in adults who have this kind of schema?
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OK, so the first thing is that there are relationship problems.
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People with the self -sacrificing schema are drawn to people or partners, friends, co -workers, whatever, who have one main feature,
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accept care without reciprocity so you're drawn to people who are like okay being helped
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so sometimes this will be people with like once again like
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a friend with a chronic illness a friend who doesn't have
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their shit together a co -worker who's always like you know behind on things
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and needs a do me a solid bruh do me solid bruh right
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so you're drawn to these people and why are you drawn to these people
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because the rules of the game in your mind are like i'm the pc
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and these are the npcs and the problem with npcs is
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that they have side quests all these fucking npcs need some help from me
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and it is my job as the player character to run
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around the town talking to random people getting their side quests
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and then going and doing something but unlike most rpgs
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or whatever gta take your pick where the rewards are designed to be worth the labor
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that you do there's a second problem with people who have the self -sacrificing schema,
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which is that they have a lot of discomfort or anxiety with reciprocation, or what really, really, really gets them bent out of shape,
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makes them very uncomfortable, is when other people try to initiate care.
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So what these people have a lot of difficulty tolerating is a sense of lopsided care.
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So I'm okay giving, but I'm not okay receiving
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and the only circumstances in which I will receive is
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if I have given first or you are guaranteed that we'll be able to reciprocate this, right?
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And if you kind of think about this, what these people crave is exactly what makes them uncomfortable,
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which is like, I'm spending my whole life taking care of other people.
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Oh my God, I wish someone would take care of me.
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So this also manifests professionally.
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So these people tend to be what we call over -functioning at work, right?
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So they're like basically like some of these people nowadays who are using AI to do three jobs.
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You're like that, except you're not doing AI.
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You're just doing three jobs.
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So these people struggle a lot with delegation.
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They struggle a lot with assigning responsibility.
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So even if you have maybe subordinates or co -workers who like have work that they are responsible for, you have a tendency to micromanage.
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You have a tendency to check.
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You have to like make sure that they don't screw up because they're fundamentally unreliable.
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So I have to make sure that things are okay
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And the really scary thing about this is that in a professional setting or in relationships
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What we see with a lot of these people is the buildup of a silent resentment
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So as you engage in these patterns and you're like, oh my god
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Like this person is like such a dumbass
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and like I can't rely on them I have to check I have to check I have to check
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and as you do this you feel cognitively
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And this is what's so confusing about a schema.
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You feel cognitive you can look at this and you can say hey
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This is unfair.
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I shouldn't be doing this
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And so as you end up doing it again and again and again, and things become more and more and more lopsided,
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this gap is where your resentment starts to build.
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And sometimes what will happen with these people is that resentment builds
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so much that they kind of crack and they shift gears into this pattern of like,
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okay, it's just going to be all about all oak all the time.
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F everybody else.
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I just got to look out for myself.
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I got to separate from the world other people can go f themselves
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but unfortunately deciding overnight to become a boss babe
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and over reliance on yourself severing your connections is sort of this like rebound response from the schema
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and oftentimes what these people will do is they'll do
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that for a while but then the feelings of guilt these other fundamental things
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if i'm going to be a boss babe but
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when someone shows up and tries to do something nice for me I'm going to say, That still doesn't work, right?
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Because what I'm doing is there's this schema of like,
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I'm the caregiver, they're the caretaker and becoming like hyper independent is actually scrapping away with that entirely.
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And then the problem is I don't have a clear way to relate to people, right?
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So if I've decided like, I'm going to F everybody else in my life, I'm going to live my own life.
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Then like, how do I form a healthy relationship?
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Because it's all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
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And then that really bothers you because you're not selfish, right?
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So you have a sense of self -esteem
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that is based on your capacity to give and you don't want to be the selfish person because there's a selfish person, there's a selfless person.
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And why don't you want to be the selfish person?
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Because you know what it's like to be on the receiving end of unreciprocated care.
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So emotionally, these people feel a lot of fatigue and burnout.
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And this is the really interesting thing.
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The fatigue and burnout are seen as oftentimes personal failures, right?
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So I'm so tired.
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Like, let's say you have a, you know, a parent who's ill.
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And one day you're like, man, I'm just so tired.
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And then how does the child respond to
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that they're like oh my god i'm
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so weak i need to be better
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this is a personal failing the the seven -year -old child
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who's like making chicken noodle soup for their chronically ill mother is not thinking to themselves the reason
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i feel tired and burnt out is
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because of my circumstances now oftentimes as we grow up we'll start to have insight into this
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but understanding that your fatigue is not a personal failure
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but is a structural problem based on the the structure
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and shape of your relationships is a really important shift that needs to be made.
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Oftentimes, the other primary emotional thing that'll happen in the schema is people will feel a lot of guilt
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or some kind of negative emotion.
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A sense of self -judgment or weakness is also pretty common.
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When you relax, have fun, or engage in pleasure.
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So when you try to do the things that you crave, and this is why it's so hard to break out of the schema,
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just think about this for a second.
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I'm like, man, I wish I had a day off.
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And then when your day off comes, oh my God, I'm so lazy.
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I'm wasting my time.
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So I want you all to think about when you engage in pleasure, if your internal emotional reaction is guilt,
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then like, how can you possibly engage in pleasure?
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And that's the problem with the schema.
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The schema shapes your reactions to things that are healthy for you, right?
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So in a real game, cheating is bad.
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In Munchkin, cheating is good.
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But so your reaction is being perverted by the schema.
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So that's why it's so hard to take a day off, because when you take a day off,
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a normal person, a person without this maladaptive schema, may experience pleasure, relaxation.
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Oh, my God, one day off is never enough.
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I wish I could have be retired, right?
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They want more of it.
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But your emotional reaction to some pleasurable activities is negative.
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And so then how are you supposed to move towards that if your body is punishing you,
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your mind is punishing you with like guilt and like self -critical talk.
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The other way this schema manifests is in our thoughts.
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Okay.
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So schema therapy is built off of cognitive behavioral therapy
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and a lot of other things that are mixed together because there are a lot of shortcomings of cognitive behavioral therapy,
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but the cognitions are also well, well mapped in schema therapy.
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So these are cognitions like I have to do it.
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If I don't do it, nobody else will.
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If I don't check, it won't be good enough.
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And also that that's one side of cognitions.
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The other side of cognitions is if you need help, that makes you weak, that makes you a burden,
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that makes you pathetic, that makes you fundamentally not a good person, okay?
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And then the really common result of all of these things is people will sort of like push up against the schema.
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They'll try to do things like, I got to set better boundaries.
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I got to like treat myself.
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I got to take days off.
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I got to learn how to relax.
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I got to do this.
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I need to learn how to meditate.
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I need to learn how to therapy.
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I need to learn how to emotional regulation, right?
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Once again, what are all these things?
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What do you need to do?
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These are all personal failings.
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Yeah, you need to learn how to be better, right?
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That is how deep a schema goes.
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Even in your attempt to solve the problem, you are operating within the problem.
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This is a personal failing of yours.
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So usually what ends up happening, and this is not like permanent, but people will run against, they'll have a lot of friction against the schema.
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They'll be unhappy, building up this silent resentment.
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They'll try to break out.
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And then eventually what happens, and this is what causes people to like fall back into it, is a sense of surrender.
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So they're like, oh, I just can't handle it.
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I can't figure this out.
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And then you'll kind of slip back into the pattern for a while.
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Resentment builds up and then you try to break free.
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And then you're like, oh, so there's sort of this sense of resignation.
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And this is where the term burnout really comes in.
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When these people get burnt out, that's when they stop fighting against the schema and surrender back into the pattern.
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So the really interesting thing is that self -sacrificing as a trait isn't necessarily maladaptive.
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What happens in a lot of people who are self -sacrificing to the point of depleting themselves is
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that the self -sacrificing schema combines with a second schema, which is the unrelenting standard schema.
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So this is a schema that has a couple of different rules.
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First of all, a sense or a drive for perfectionism that is independent of achievement, right?
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So many of us want to do a good job, right?
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So I'm perfectionistic and I want to do good.
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But then what should happen if I'm perfectionistic is when I try really hard and I do a really good job,
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I should feel good about it, right?
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So it's like, hey, I studied hard.
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I got a test.
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Time to relax.
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Time to have a good time.
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Time to celebrate.
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But for some people, their sense of perfectionism is not satisfied by actual achievements.
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And this is what makes it feel so relentless, okay?
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Because even if you do a good job, that internal voice is still there telling you, you need to do good, you need to do good,
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you need to do good.
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So it is a perfectionism that is unusually persistent.
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And this schema also has two things that we've talked about.
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One is self -worth that depends on performance, right?
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So this is the unrelenting standard.
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So my sense of identity, my sense of self -worth depends on doing a good job and a lot of difficulty with rest and relaxation.
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Because if I'm resting, if I'm relaxing, that's scary, that's not good, maybe I'll screw up.
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The perfectionistic tendency in my mind is going to not let me relax.
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And I think schemas are, this is another important point here where you may say, okay, is this perfectionism?
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Well, where if we look at like perfectionism,
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this is the important thing about a schema you can be perfectionistic and still be like relatively mentally happy, right?
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So perfectionism is a personality trait that in a certain upbringing, you have certain perfectionistic tendencies.
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And in a certain upbringing, that perfectionism becomes mutated to be incredibly self -critical,
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something that does not allow you to enjoy the results of your labor.
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Okay.
412
So this is another good example of why people with the schema may say, they may look at themselves and may say, okay, I am perfectionistic.
413
How do I target perfectionism?
414
Whereas that's not actually what you need to target.
415
What you need to target is a mutated version of perfectionism.
416
You need to target that mutation.
417
So these people also have another really important feature, which is they need proof of their self -worth.
418
So their sense of identity is not something that is internally born, is not like, I feel good about myself.
419
Like I practice self -love and self -compassion or they don't practice.
420
I mean, maybe they do practice because it's not intrinsic for them.
421
They have to practice self -love and self -compassion, all these kinds of things.
422
But what they usually find, what their mind really craves is proof of their status,
423
proof of achievement, proof of productivity, proof of caregiving.
424
Because when they get those external signals, they kind of calm down.
425
So now let's talk about how this develops and hopefully this will give some some clarity.
426
So these people with this sort of hyper perfectionistic, internally criticizing voice usually grow up in an environment that is like fundamentally unsafe,
427
or fundamentally has conditional acceptance, the same two that we kind of talked about earlier, but they manifest in a slightly different way.
428
So they grow up in environments where their nervous system.
429
So there's some really fascinating research that this is like, just as physiologic as it is mental so the nervous system is panicking
430
and what does what calms down the nervous system like getting an award like getting an a
431
and then the nervous system calms down it's like oh thank god like
432
if i don't get an a like mom
433
or dad is going to be pissed like i'm going to get my ass beat
434
so like i got to get an a or
435
when i get an a this still happens to me
436
which blows my mind like but it's just so baked in right
437
so i'm dr k i'm all of kenogia
438
i spent years studying become a monk went to harvard medical school was faculty
439
there for years one of the most followed psychiatrists on the planet.
440
And the thing that blows my mind is like how quickly my mom compares, like it's automatic.
441
She compares all of the things that random people are doing better to me.
442
She's like, Hey, these people take their kids to church every week.
443
These people are doing this with their kids.
444
These people are doing this with their kids.
445
And it's just like automatic.
446
Like I enter the room
447
and she's talking about how like all these people are doing all this shit that I'm not doing.
448
And I'm like, what, what?
449
Like, so, so I realized
450
that this is something that's very common for south asian parents right oh
451
you got like you got an a on the test like why aren't
452
you number one right oh like this kid like you may be at the top of your class
453
but this kid this is your cousins aunts nephews in law is like not only number one in his class
454
but he's also an astronaut
455
like why you slack it bro so people grow up in these environments with very very very high expectations.
456
And the really scary thing is it's not just expectations.
457
It becomes safety because there is a threat within the household that unless you live up to these standards,
458
there's going to be some kind of punishment.
459
So this is what becomes really scary is like achieving is not about achieving anymore.
460
Achieving becomes survival.
461
Achieving becomes safety.
462
And so what that means is unless I'm getting these really positive signals of achievement,
463
of perfection, like the only way I can be safe is to be number one, right?
464
Their nervous system in the same way that we have like evolved to have like be scared of threats, right?
465
So if like I'm walking down the street and like a bear charges at me,
466
my nervous system is going to respond and I can't really like control that response.
467
And this is what's so scary
468
and what is transformative about schema oriented work in psychiatry is
469
these people are going through life with their nervous system telling them, unless you are at the top of your class,
470
unless you're fucking perfect, the reaction that it has is this bear is charging at you.
471
So these people say, why is it that when I do a good job over and over and over and over again,
472
why does that not build my self -esteem?
473
I've been doing such a good job.
474
I've been taking care of people for so long.
475
Why do I still feel like shit?
476
Why is the feeling of relief, the feeling of being good,
477
the feeling of pride, why is it so temporary? because you look at other people and you're like,
478
this person did a good job and then they did this and then they did this and they've developed confidence.
479
Now they have the internal strength to set boundaries.
480
They know what their own worth is, but I do all of the same things, but I don't know what my worth is.
481
My worth still feels frustratingly dependent on the approval of others.
482
How do I break free of this?
483
And this is because at a very young age, they learned that making other people happy,
484
doing an exceptional job is the only way to protect myself.
485
And this is where things get really interesting because oftentimes what these people will have, Young describes this beautifully.
486
He says they have an internal critical parent.
487
Okay.
488
So he calls it demanding parent, but it's like an internal critical voice.
489
And so these people will look at this and they'll say like,
490
yeah, I have this running dialogue in my head that like gets pissed at me unless I do something perfect.
491
So if I try to relax, it's like, oh my God, you could be doing this, you could be doing this,
492
you could be doing this, right?
493
It has this really critical voice, which on the one hand,
494
we may say on a psychological perspective is just internalized from your parents, like literally, right?
495
So they spoke to you in a certain way, and then you internalize their words into your own internal dialogue.
496
But sometimes that realization and working on that doesn't work.
497
And this is the critical step that people are missing.
498
If you have a critical internal dialogue and you're saying, I need to learn self -compassion.
499
I need to talk better to myself.
500
I need to do cognitive reframe.
501
All those techniques are good.
502
But sometimes there's a piece missing.
503
And this is that piece.
504
It is that the internal dialogue, remember, achievement is safety, right?
505
This is the only way that you can be safe.
506
So how can you guarantee safety?
507
You criticize yourself relentlessly.
508
So when your parents are brutal with you, like you're a piece of shit.
509
this kid did so good.
510
This kid did so good.
511
That kid did so good.
512
And that hurts, right?
513
Like it hurts to try your hardest and have your parents be like, I love him more.
514
Instead of being proud of your A, they're like disappointed in you.
515
So how does a 12 year old, 13 year old, 10 year old,
516
8 year old child protect themselves from the hurt of a parent who is disappointed in them when they achieve.
517
Really simple.
518
You program yourself with their voice.
519
I know what I'm going to do.
520
I'm going to beat myself up because if I beat myself up enough, the likelihood that I achieve increases.
521
And if I beat myself up, then I achieve.
522
And if I achieve, mommy or daddy will be proud of me.
523
The internal demanding parent, the internal critical voice is not a problem.
524
It is a solution.
525
It is your avenue towards safety.
526
Those are the legs that help you run away from the bear that is chasing you.
527
And until you realize that this is the core function that it's serving, it's really hard to break free.
528
So the unrelenting standard schema manifests in a couple of ways.
529
So let's start with relational.
530
So this is people becoming people pleasers, but not like the doormat style people pleaser.
531
This is like, I cannot afford to have people dislike me.
532
So this isn't like the obsequious like, oh, please, sir, don't be mad at me.
533
Don't be mad.
534
This is like, okay, I got to be good.
535
I got to have people like me.
536
I got to be dependable.
537
I have to have people like understand that I'm dependable, that I'm a good person.
538
I need to show people how dependable and great I am, right?
539
So it's sort of this weird inflated standard that you are living up to.
540
You want to be great in other people's eyes.
541
And once again, this relates to safety because If you're great in other people's eyes, that means you're no longer in danger, okay?
542
So this can also manifest as more obsequious, people -pleasing, trying to make people happy.
543
But generally speaking, it is the need to be great in front of other people.
544
But this is not ego.
545
This is not narcissism.
546
This is safety.
547
Second thing, behavioral.
548
This leads to a lot of overwork, okay?
549
People work incredibly hard.
550
You may do a lot, even if you're burnt out.
551
This also leads to having a lot of difficult with this idea of like,
552
don't let perfect be the enemy of good you're like, yeah, fuck that.
553
Like, we got to be perfect.
554
Good enough is not good enough.
555
Like, this is terrible.
556
It feels like antithetical to be good enough.
557
The foundation of this is not the emotional reaction that you have.
558
You can try to control that reaction, but as long as the schema is persistent, it will be dictating your emotional reactions.
559
Next thing.
560
So this is fascinating.
561
From an emotional perspective, Jung has some beautiful stuff written about this.
562
These people have what I would call a persistent percolating anxiety.
563
So they have this feeling of like always looking for relief, but never actually finding it.
564
You have this like low grade, like background, like, you know, whatever the black body radiation in the universe level of like anxiety, right?
565
You have just this constant like, oh my God, like, oh my God.
566
It's not even like focal.
567
It's not like, oh my God, this thing, or oh my God, that thing.
568
It's like just this background.
569
Oh my God.
570
Oh my God and it's kind of unformed.
571
And that's why it's so hard to pinpoint.
572
That's why it's so hard to fix because it's just this background level of like, oh my God, these people also have this,
573
this feeling of always looking to relax, but they never get there.
574
So it's like, okay, if I do this, there's this very intense hunger, this perfectionism, right?
575
I need to achieve this.
576
I need to achieve it a lot.
577
I need to do a really good job.
578
I need to do a good job.
579
And I need to going to do a good job.
580
But even if you do a good job, that feeling is very temporary or you never achieve it.
581
Even after doing a good job, this is a really common reaction.
582
You're like, oh my god, I have this presentation.
583
It's got to be great.
584
You go and you do the presentation and it's great.
585
And your reaction is, oh shit, now people are going to expect this of me every time.
586
Now every presentation that I have to do, if I do even 1 % less than this, people are going to be disappointed.
587
It's like instead of celebrating a victory, you're already terrified of future disappointment.
588
And so it really wears on people, like really just wears on your nervous system, burns people out.
589
Last thing is that in terms of cognitions, we see a lot of black or white thinking, a lot of all or nothing thinking.
590
And the other really common thing is like different standards for yourself versus other people.
591
You guys have heard me talk about imposter syndrome.
592
These are also elements of that, right?
593
Where it's like other people can have a good presentation and that demonstrates how hard working and awesome they are.
594
But if I have a good presentation, that means I got lucky.
595
That means that I barely scraped by.
596
And other people can afford to celebrate.
597
I cannot.
598
So now hopefully you guys understand what I said at the beginning of the video.
599
I want y 'all to go back and like listen to that initial presentation and see how this is not about perfectionism.
600
This is not about guilt.
601
This is not about boundary setting.
602
This is about the fundamental programming,
603
the rules of the game that are in your mind through which you interpret your interactions with other people.
604
The schema dictates what emotions arise.
605
And so if you try to solve the emotion or you try to solve perfectionism or you try to set boundaries, you're not targeting the root.
606
So how do we target the root?
607
So the first step, arguably sufficient, arguably the most important thing to do is actually insight, is to actually understand.
608
So as I've done work with people as a psychiatrist, I'm more and more convinced that their biggest problem is a misdiagnosis problem.
609
They think this is perfectionism.
610
They think this is weak boundary setting.
611
So you try to solve this little problem.
612
But once you see the pattern, once you realize, oh, my internal self -critic is actually trying to protect me from doing a bad job.
613
And if I do a bad job, I'm going to feel terrible about myself.
614
I'm going to feel unsafe.
615
My world will come crashing down unless I do a good enough job.
616
That's why I have an internal self -critic, right?
617
So the solution to that is not to get rid of the internal critic because then everything will fall apart.
618
The solution of that is to learn how to feel safe independent of your performance.
619
So the next thing that I think is important to develop is what I would call like a healthy schema, okay?
620
So there's like all of these schemas are designed to protect you from a certain environment in your upbringing, okay?
621
So they're misapplied over here.
622
So I think about this, you know, my mom asked me the other day,
623
why is it that so many college football stars don't become great NFL football players?
624
And my sense of this, I don't really know, I'm not an expert in this,
625
but what I've noticed is that there are some strategies that work at low rank.
626
Like if I'm playing like low rank
627
League of Legends or Dota or like Valorant or Marvel Rivals or whatever, like I can get away with some stuff.
628
But as I move up through the ranks, as I move into different situations, these strategies start becoming ineffective.
629
They become maladaptive.
630
So what we need to do is learn a healthy way of engaging in the world.
631
And this has a couple of really important points.
632
Okay.
633
The first is learn to accept help.
634
So recognize that when other people try to help you, you're going to have this very negative reaction.
635
Wait for it.
636
Look at it.
637
Practice receiving help.
638
Second thing, be on the lookout for an absence of reciprocity.
639
And this is the really weird thing.
640
Absence of reciprocity in relationships will make you feel comfortable.
641
It won't make you feel good.
642
It'll make you feel comfortable.
643
It'll be familiar territory.
644
So when you start to enter into reciprocal relationships, literally what this is going to look like is you're going to do something for somebody else.
645
And then they're going to want to do something back for you.
646
And if they do something back for you, it's not quits.
647
Now you're like, oh, crap.
648
The only safe way to exist in a relationship is for somebody else to be indebted to you.
649
So if you do them a solid and they do you a solid, that's not good enough.
650
I got to do them a solid.
651
You always want to stay one step ahead.
652
And here's the really scary thing.
653
As you're always staying one step ahead, you never want to be in anybody's debt.
654
And the safest place to be is for other people to
655
be indebted to you you are always going to build up resentment because things are unequal.
656
So you need to notice this pattern in your life and let things be equal.
657
And oh, the other scary thing you can do is let someone do something nice for you.
658
And then you do something really weird.
659
Okay.
660
This may sound really confusing.
661
So there's this thing that normal humans do when someone does something nice for them.
662
So they say, thank you.
663
And then they don't do anything else.
664
They just stop.
665
They say, thank you.
666
They express appreciation.
667
They receive the gift with love and then they stop, right?
668
So these are the microscopic things that if you're like, oh my God, that feels so bad.
669
You see how it's like saying thank you after someone does something nice is what we teach our children to do, right?
670
We're like, hey, if you want to be like a social human being, little one, when someone does something nice,
671
we don't say panic and put them in your debt, bitch.
672
We say, say thank you.
673
And that's like literally what we teach kids is the end of the interaction.
674
And here you are with someone doing something nice to you and you say, thank you.
675
You're like, ah, you see how the schema shapes your reaction to things, right?
676
And then like, here's the other really like interesting sign that it's a schema.
677
If I ask you what's wrong with saying thank you and some part of you goes, ah, and you cannot verbalize it.
678
That means that this schema formed before you had, it's pre -verbal, really cool concept.
679
So like this, these rules were baked in before your brain had the capacity to put things into words or understanding.
680
So it's like this really weird, primitive feeling.
681
So you got to learn how to say thank you.
682
So another part of healthy adulting is being able to relax, right?
683
So it's recognizing that when you relax, there's going to be some kind of weird, like obsession with efficiency.
684
So the only way that these people can relax is they're going to say like, okay, if I relax, if I relax,
685
then I'm going to come in on Monday morning
686
and I'm going to be so energetic that I can work twice as hard.
687
Relaxation is how I become the most productive and most efficient ever.
688
No, no. Relaxation has no benefit beyond shocking, beyond your enjoyment.
689
You're like, there's that pre -verbal schema happening.
690
Like, I can't do that.
691
Can you just take a day, just one day that is not for any other reason than your enjoyment?
692
And you will say, oh yes, the schema will operate.
693
It'll say, yes, wonderful.
694
Dr. K is teaching me about schemas.
695
I know what I need to do.
696
To chip away at my schema, I need to relax one day.
697
But if you do it to chip away at your schema, you are turning your relaxation into productivity.
698
No. You have to have a useless relaxation day.
699
No benefit.
700
Just enjoy yourself.
701
And it's got to be a waste.
702
There's no psychological growth.
703
There's no leveling up.
704
There's nothing.
705
Being a healthy adult means sometimes taking some time for yourself.
706
And be prepared for the wall of fire that is like all these emotions when you try to do that.
707
Be prepared for the sneakiness of the schema, trying to hijack your relaxation and turn it into productivity and efficiency.
708
And if I can learn how to relax, I will be a more perfect human being.
709
I know I'm flawed.
710
I can't relax.
711
I need to be more perfect.
712
So therefore, let me learn this skill of relaxation and then I will be a more complete human being.
713
Don't let the schema work its way into it, okay?
714
Last thing, the schema is structural.
715
So if you are in an environment where people demand this of you,
716
it will be perpetuated and perpetuated in the way that a potter's wheel is perpetuated.
717
It's not that it's going to be forever, but as long as you're in that environment, it's like spinning the wheel, right?
718
So if you leave the environment over time, it will start to die down.
719
And oftentimes what will happen is y 'all will be in situations like a marriage with kids.
720
Or parents who are ill, where you can't just unplug from the situation.
721
But this is where you have to sort of build your bridge one brick at a time.
722
And so it can feel very, very like unproductive or inefficient, but be aware that the environment will perpetuate it.
723
So if you guys want more concrete skills on how to behave within that relational structure,
724
strongly recommend you guys check out a membership video we have with Dr. Gauri Aragam.
725
Dr. Aragam is a friend of mine from residency, also a Harvard -trained physician,
726
also the number one psychiatrist that I would send people that I love and in my life to.
727
She's just an absolutely brilliant psychiatrist, probably better than I am.
728
I don't know.
729
I've never seen a head -to -head comparison.
730
But she has this awesome video called Being Authentic with Family.
731
It's a two -hour deep dive that really gets into this stuff.
732
And she's really good with female relational issues.
733
So you to a free trial where y 'all can check it out.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “Why Being the Most Reliable Person Is Ruining You”. This video has 733 sentences and 8791 words to shadow. The speech runs for 45:43. The speaker talks fast, about 192 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 85% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| relax verb | /ɹɪˈlæks/ | To make something loose. |
| guilt noun | /ɡɪlt/ | Responsibility for wrongdoing. |
| boundary noun | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | The dividing line or location between two areas. |
| sacrifice noun | /ˈsæk.ɹɪ.faɪs/ | Originally, the killing (and often burning) of a human being or an animal as an offering to a deity; later, also the offering of an object to a deity. |
| emotion noun | /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ | A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data. |
| esteem verb | /ɪˈstiːm/ | To set a high value on; to regard with respect or reverence. |
| relaxation noun | /rᵻˌlækˈseɪ.ʃən/ | The act of relaxing or the state of being relaxed; the opposite of stress or tension; the aim of recreation and leisure activities. |
| scary adjective | /ˈskɛə.ɹi/ | Causing fear or anxiety |
| resentment noun | /ɹɪˈzɛnt.mənt/ | Anger or displeasure stemming from belief that one or one's group has been wronged or betrayed by others; indignation. |
| solve verb | /sɒlv/ | To find an answer or solution to a problem or question; to work out. |
| presentation noun | /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/ | The act of presenting, or something presented. |
| cheat verb | /ˈt͡ʃiːt/ | To violate rules in order to gain, or attempt to gain, advantage from a situation. |
| psychiatrist noun | /ˌsaɪˈkaɪ.ə.tɹɪst/ | A medical doctor specializing in psychiatry. |
| engage verb | /ɪnˈɡeɪd͡ʒ/ | To engross or hold the attention of; to keep busy or occupied. |
| emotionally adverb | /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/ | In an emotional manner; displaying emotion. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| build up verb | To erect; to construct. |
| fall apart verb | To disintegrate, to break into pieces. |
| calm down verb | To become less excited, intense, or angry. |
| grow up verb | To mature and become an adult. |
| end up verb | To bring to a conclusion. |
| go back verb | To return to a place or state after having been there at a previous time. |
| step up verb | To increase, augment, or advance, especially by one or more steps. |
| break out verb | To escape, especially forcefully or defiantly. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Can you get me water?
- Then like, how do I form a healthy relationship?
- What do you need to do?
- How do I target perfectionism?
- How do I break free of this?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if I don't, then things will fall · If I don't, then other people will suffer · If I don't do it, nobody else will |
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on | I've been doing · I've been taking |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've worked · you've watched · have you done |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | is surrounded · are formed · be shaped |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 188 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, you're, don't. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, relaxation /rᵻˌlækˈseɪ.ʃən/, presentation /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
- Long words — get the stress right: psychiatrist /ˌsaɪˈkaɪ.ə.tɹɪst/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like relax, guilt, boundary.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.