Shadowing Practice: How To Stop Wasting Your Energy On People-Pleasing - Learn English Speaking with Video
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If you have ever sent a text and then immediately re-read it 14 times to make sure that you didn't sound rude,
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needy, cold, dramatic, passive-aggressive, too enthusiastic, not enthusiastic enough, welcome.
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This video is for you.
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Because people-pleasing is exhausting.
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It takes your time, your energy, your boundaries, and your ability to know what you actually want.
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And the thing is, the more that you try to make everyone else happy, the less like yourself you become.
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So in this video, we are going to get very practical.
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First, I am going to walk you through four truths about people-pleasing, including why it often doesn't feel like people-pleasing when you're doing it,
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why it drains so much energy, and why it can feel genuinely terrifying to stop.
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Then, I'm going to give you a four-step process for overcoming it.
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And then, because I don't want to just say have better boundaries and then leave you emotionally stranded at the scene,
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I am going to give you five very specific language swaps
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so that you know exactly what to say when you're attempted to over-explain, over-apologize, or manage everyone's feelings.
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Because you can be kind without being endlessly available, and you can be generous without abandoning yourself.
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So let's start with truth number one.
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So, people-pleasing usually does not feel like people-pleasing when you're doing it.
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It feels like you're being considerate and thoughtful.
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It feels like you're being flexible and low-maintenance and reasonable and nice.
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And honestly, this is why it can be so hard to spot.
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You're probably thinking things like, I don't want to hurt their feelings.
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I don't want to seem difficult.
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I don't want people to think that I'm selfish.
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And listen, consideration is a beautiful thing being thoughtful about other people is part of being a decent human being.
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But people-pleasing is not the same as kindness.
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Kindness says, I can give this freely.
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People-pleasing says, I have to give this or I might lose approval.
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When you're people-pleasing, you're trying to control an outcome.
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You're trying to prevent disappointment or rejection.
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You're trying to prevent someone from being upset with you
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or misunderstanding you or judging you or leaving you out
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and suddenly what looks on the outside like being nice is actually a form of bargaining.
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I will make myself easier for you and in exchange you will keep approving of me.
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That's exhausting and it's also unstable because now your emotional center of gravity is no longer inside you.
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It's out there in someone else's facial expression or tone
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or how long they take to get back to you and that's not great.
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But it brings us to truth number two.
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People pleasing is emotional surveillance.
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This is one of the biggest reasons it drains so much energy.
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People pleasers are tracking too much.
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They are constantly scanning the room.
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Is everyone okay?
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Is someone annoyed?
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Did I say the wrong thing?
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Did that land badly?
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Should I fix this?
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Should I apologize?
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Should I make a joke?
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People pleasing turns ordinary interactions into a constant performance review.
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You are editing your tone, editing your facial expression, your needs and your preferences, and then wondering why you're tired.
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Think about all the invisible work that you are doing just to stay acceptable.
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The rehearsing, the explaining, the checking,
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and this is especially complicated because a lot of the skills that make someone a people pleaser are not bad skills.
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It's useful to be perceptive and to be able to read the room.
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I spent years working as a family doctor and in medicine, being attuned to other people matters.
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You learn to notice what someone says and what they don't say.
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You learn to read distress.
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You learn to pay attention to subtle cues.
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That can be an important skill.
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But outside of the exam room, outside of a professional context, that same skill can become a hyper-responsibility.
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When you move from just noticing other people's emotions to taking ownership of them, that's a problem.
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You can notice someone is disappointed without making it your emergency.
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You can notice someone's mood without immediately assuming that you caused it.
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When you are constantly investigating everyone else's emotional state, eventually you lose contact with your own.
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Okay, that brings us to truth number three.
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People-pleasing is often a safety strategy.
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This is why simply telling someone, just stop caring what people think, is not very useful.
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There are a lot of reasons that this can happen.
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Maybe you grew up in a family where being agreeable kept the peace.
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Or maybe you were praised for being mature and responsible and low maintenance and helpful.
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Maybe you were socially rewarded for being the person who could always be counted on.
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Or maybe you just discovered over time that being pleasing worked.
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It got approval, belonging, and praise.
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You got included because of it.
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It helped you to avoid conflict.
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So of course you kept doing it.
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This is why I don't think we need to shame the people-pleasing part of ourselves
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because that part is usually trying to protect us.
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It's saying, let's not find out what happens if they're disappointed.
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Let's not find out what happens if they don't like this.
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And depending on your history, that may have made perfect sense at some point.
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But here is the harder truth.
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Even if people-pleasing started as protection, it can absolutely become a prison.
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Because eventually, the strategy that helped you feel safe starts making your life smaller.
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Instead of asking, what do I want?
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You're asking, what will keep everyone calm or what will be easiest for people to accept?
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That is not freedom.
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Which brings us to truth number four.
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Resentment is the receipt.
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Resentment is often the receipt that your body hands you after you have purchased approval by betraying yourself.
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And I know that sounds dramatic, but honestly, look at the evidence.
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You said yes, and now you're irritated.
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You said, no worries.
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And there are, in fact, several worries.
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You offered to help.
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And now you're silently furious that nobody noticed how much you're doing.
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I say that with love because I have absolutely done this.
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I have had seasons of over-functioning and then feeling resentful that other people let me.
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But the truth is, I had trained them to expect it.
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And people-pleasing gets messy here because we often think that the problem is that other people ask too much.
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And sometimes, yes, they do.
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Some people will absolutely take whatever you keep giving.
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But sometimes the problem is that we keep offering ourselves up and calling it generosity when it is actually fear.
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Maybe you're afraid of being disliked or judged or no longer being the reliable one, the good one, or the one who never needs anything.
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So how do we actually start changing this?
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Well, this is where I am going to share four steps
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to help you break free of your people-pleasing tendencies now that you understand what is actually going on underneath everything.
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Step number one is to notice the approval reflex.
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The approval reflex is that split-second urge to edit, explain, apologize, or agree before you have even checked in with yourself.
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It's when someone asks you if you can do something and, sure, comes out of your mouth before your actual self has even arrived at the meeting.
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It's when you apologize for asking a normal question.
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It's when you explain your decision like you are presenting evidence in court.
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So this week, I don't even want you to try to change things.
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Just notice the moment.
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Notice the tiny internal flinch, the moment when your body says no
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and your mouth says absolutely happy to notice
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when you are about to make yourself more convenient than you actually are
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that awareness matters because you cannot interrupt a pattern
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that you keep calling your personality
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and for a lot of people people pleasing has become
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so familiar that they don't even experience it as a pattern they experience it as just how i am I'm just helpful.
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I'm just flexible.
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I am just someone who doesn't like disappointing people.
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Okay, maybe.
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But also, maybe that is not your personality.
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Maybe that is a strategy that you practiced until it felt like identity.
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And if it was learned, it can be unlearned.
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Step number two is to insert a pause before the yes.
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This sounds simple.
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It is not.
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Because for a people pleaser, the immediate yes is almost a reflex.
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Someone asks you for something and before you have assessed your capacity, your desire, your schedule, your energy, your priorities, you say, of course.
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So the first practical skill is not even saying no, it's buying time.
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You can start to train yourself to say things like, let me check and get back to you.
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I need to think about that.
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I'll have to look at my week.
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Or I can't answer that right now, but I will let you know.
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These are not dramatic sentences.
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They are not rude.
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They are not aggressive.
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They are just little gates between the request and your automatic self abandonment.
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Because the pause gives your actual self time to arrive.
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For a lot of people pleasers, the pleasing self gets to the microphone first.
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The pleasing self says, say yes, be easy, don't make it weird, don't disappoint them.
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You can figure out your own exhaustion later.
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The pause lets another part of you speak.
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The part that says, do I actually want to do this?
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Do I have capacity?
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Am I saying yes freely or am I saying yes because I'm afraid?
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And that question, am I saying yes freely or am I saying yes because I'm afraid, that's one of the most important questions that you can ask
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because a yes that comes from fear is often just a disguised no. And eventually disguised no's turn into resentment.
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And this is also one reason why I created my free self-sabotage recovery guide.
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If you recognize yourself in this, then this guide is going to help you to recognize those hidden patterns
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that keep pulling you back and how to start interrupting them in a practical way.
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I will put the link below this video.
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When you get it, come right back because the next step is probably the hardest part of people pleasing.
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Step three is to let disappointment exist.
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This is a big one because people pleasers often organize their entire lives around preventing disappointment.
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But disappointment is not an emergency.
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Someone being disappointed does not automatically mean that you did something wrong.
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It means they had a preference and that preference was different from yours.
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That is allowed.
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Your friend may be disappointed that you can't come.
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Your client may be disappointed that you are not available immediately.
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Your family may be disappointed that you are changing an old pattern.
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This just means that you are a separate person.
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And this is an incredibly important part of adulthood.
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Other people are allowed to have feelings about your choices, and you are allowed to make choices anyway.
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It's not the same as saying, I don't care how I affect anyone.
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Of course we care.
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But caring about someone's feelings does not mean being controlled by them.
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Most healthy adult relationships can survive disappointment.
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In fact, real relationships need to survive disappointment.
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Because if the connection only works when you are agreeable, available, and endlessly accommodating, that is not a connection that is going to work for you long term.
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And yes, some people may not love your new boundaries.
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That might just be a sign that the relationship is recalibrating.
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And recalibration can feel uncomfortable but the alternative is
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that you keep living as the version of yourself that is easiest for other people.
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And that is a high price to pay for approval.
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Step four is to replace people-pleasing with clean kindness.
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So what is clean kindness?
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Well, clean kindness is generosity without resentment.
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It's saying yes because you mean yes, not because you are afraid of what will happen if you say no. People-pleasing says,
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I'll do this so you won't be upset with me.
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Clean-kindness says, I can do this honestly and freely.
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People-pleasing says, I need you to see me as good.
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Clean-kindness says, I know my values.
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I don't need to perform them for approval.
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People-pleasing says, I will abandon myself to preserve the connection.
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Clean-kindness says, a real connection has room for both of us.
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And that is the standard.
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You can't make everyone happy and you can't avoid all discomfort.
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The question you want to ask is, can I act from integrity?
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Can I be generous without being false?
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Can I be loving without being endlessly available?
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That is the work.
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So let's make this practical because sometimes the difference between people pleasing and self-respect is one sentence.
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So as promised, here are five really specific language swaps that you can start using.
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First, replace over-explaining with simple declining.
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Instead of saying, I'm so sorry, I would normally love to and I feel terrible, but this week has been insane and I hope
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that you don't think that I'm being rude and maybe another time and I'm so sorry again.
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Try.
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I can't make it this time, but I hope it goes well.
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That's it.
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A boundary does not need a documentary attached.
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You do not need to prove that your no is morally acceptable.
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You could just say no kindly.
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Second swap.
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Replace fake flexibility with an actual preference.
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Instead of, oh, whatever works for everyone, try, my preference would be Thursday.
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Or, I'd prefer the earlier time.
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Or, that restaurant isn't my favorite.
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Could we try this one instead?
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Having a preference is not a war crime.
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This is a huge one for people pleasers because sometimes they don't even know what they prefer anymore.
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They have been so busy adapting to everyone else that their own desires feel blurry.
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So start small.
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Pick the restaurant.
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Choose the time.
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Say what movie you actually want to see.
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Have an opinion in a low-stakes situation and let everyone survive the shock.
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Third swap.
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Replace unnecessary apology with appreciation or directness.
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Instead of, sorry for taking so long, try, thanks for your patience.
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Instead of, sorry, can I ask a question, try, I have a question.
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Instead of, sorry, I know this is annoying, try, I'd like to clarify something.
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Stop entering every conversation like you are already guilty.
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Apologies are important when you have actually done something wrong.
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But if you apologize for existing, asking, needing, clarifying, taking up space, or having a normal human response,
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the apology becomes a form of self-erasure.
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Fourth swap.
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Replace emotional monitoring with adult communication.
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Instead of immediately saying, are you mad at me, try, I noticed the tone felt different.
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Is there anything we need to talk about?
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Or even, I'm just going to let this be neutral unless I hear otherwise.
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That second one is for the advanced class.
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Because not every short text is a crisis.
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Not every delayed reply is you being abandoned.
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Sometimes people are tired.
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Sometimes people are distracted.
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Sometimes people are thinking about lunch.
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Let things be neutral unless you have actual evidence otherwise.
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Finally, the fifth swap.
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Replace automatic yes with honest capacity.
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Instead of, sure, I can help, try, I don't have the capacity for that now, or I can't take that on this week.
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Capacity is not a character flaw.
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You are not a bad person because your energy is finite.
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You are not selfish because your calendar is full.
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You are not uncaring because you cannot be endlessly available to everyone who asks.
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And this is where the deeper identity shift comes in, because the scripts will help to retrain your people-pleasing tendencies,
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but underneath the scripts, the core question has to change.
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The old question is, will they approve?
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The new question is, do I approve?
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That is the real shift, because people-pleasing is an identity issue.
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You are moving from, I am safe when people approve of me, to, I am safe enough to be honest.
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And instead of needing to be chosen, you can choose yourself too.
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And that takes time to happen because it happens in tiny moments like the moment that you pause before saying yes,
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and the moment that you let someone misunderstand you, and the moment that you say, that doesn't work for me.
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And here is what I really want you to hear.
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When you stop people pleasing, your yeses actually mean something.
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Your relationships become more honest and your energy starts coming back.
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The cost of people pleasing is that your life starts to be built around other people's reactions instead of your own values.
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And that is too expensive.
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You are allowed to be warm and boundaried.
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You are allowed to disappoint people without making it your full-time job to repair their emotional experience.
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Because being liked is lovely, but being free is better.
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And in this hit a nerve, I want you to leave a comment with one sentence that you are retiring,
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one over-explaining, one apologizing, approval-seeking sentence that you are done using.
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Mine might be, no worries if not.
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Because honestly, sometimes there are worries.
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We are evolving.
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And if you want to go deeper into the patterns that are underneath people-pleasing, the mindset traps that keep you stuck in old versions of yourself even
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when you know that you are ready for something different, I want you to watch the video next on the seven mindset blocks that keep you stuck.
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Because people-pleasing is often just one piece of a bigger pattern.
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And once you can see the pattern, you can start changing it.
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So I will link that video on the next screen and then I will see you there.
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So I will link that vote.
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Almost there.
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Replace flake fake.
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Flake.
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Fake, not flake.
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Okay.
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Or maybe you were praised for bringing...
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Oh my goodness.
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What's the problem with the word being?
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People-pleasing is often a safety strategy.
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Is that how I want to say that?
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Maybe try that again.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 287 sentences and 3091 words to shadow. The speech runs for 18:59. The speaker talks at a natural 163 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 85% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| kindness noun | /ˈkaɪnd.nəs/ | The state of being kind. |
| disappointed adjective | /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnɪd/ | Defeated of expectations or hope; experiencing disappointment; let down. |
| apologize verb | /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/ | To make an apology or excuse; to acknowledge some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends |
| preference noun | /ˈpɹɛf(ə)ɹ(ə)ns/ | The selection of one thing or person over others (with the main adposition being "for" in relation to the thing or person, but possibly also "of") |
| disappointment noun | /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt/ | The feeling or state of being disappointed: a feeling of sadness or frustration when something is not as good as one hoped or expected, or when something bad… |
| swap verb | /ˈswɑp/ | To exchange or give (something) in an non-normal exchange (for something else). |
| practical adjective | /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.kəl/ | Relating to, or based on, practice or action rather than theory or hypothesis. |
| boundary noun | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | The dividing line or location between two areas. |
| approve verb | /əˈpɹuːv/ | To officially sanction; to ratify; to confirm; to set as satisfactory. |
| freely adverb | /ˈfɹili/ | In a free manner. |
| pause noun | /pɔːz/ | A temporary stop or rest; an intermission of action; interruption; suspension; cessation. |
| resentment noun | /ɹɪˈzɛnt.mənt/ | Anger or displeasure stemming from belief that one or one's group has been wronged or betrayed by others; indignation. |
| tone noun | /ˈtəʊn/ | A specific pitch. |
| skill noun | /skɪl/ | A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate. |
| dramatic adjective | /dɹəˈmætɪk/ | Of or relating to the drama. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. |
| get back to verb | Return to (an activity) |
| come back verb | To return to a place. |
| figure out verb | To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce. |
| take up verb | To pick up. |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 59 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, you're, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/, thoughtful /ˈθɔːtfəl/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, facial /ˈfeɪ.ʃəl/, shock /ʃɔk/, ownership /ˈoʊnɚʃɪp/, interaction /ˌɪn.təˈɹæk.ʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: disappointed /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnɪd/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, disappointment /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt/, apology /əˈpɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like kindness, disappointed, apologize.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have ever sent · have purchased · have had |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | being attuned · were praised · be counted |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | person who could · one who never · someone who doesn |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.