Shadowing Practice: the harsh reality of outgrowing friends | how to handle it - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Nobody prepares you for how lonely personal growth actually is,
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and you'll probably experience this when you're two or three healing eras deep in the game.
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When I started really trying to change my life after I realized how miserable and negative I was as a person,
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I was so excited for things to actually get moving.
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I was diving into all of the teachings of Big Daddy Joe Dispenza, Abraham Hicks, learning all about limiting beliefs and the law of attraction,
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I had never felt that sense of peace and stability.
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I was changing my habits, changing my mindset, getting healthier, making more money, dating better, becoming more confident.
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But what I didn't realize was
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that I was also going to lose a lot of the
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people I genuinely thought were going to be in my life forever.
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Hello, hi, welcome back muses to the channel where women who want everything learn to have their cake and eat to.
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I'm your host Nadine.
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I'm all about rebuilding the village for women and I just want to thank you for being here.
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Please subscribe if you're new so you never miss any of our chats.
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We hear people online talking so much about cutting people off with zero explanation because you don't owe them one.
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Kind of like how outgrowing friendships is somehow an empowering thing.
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They're always pushing you to protect your energy or saying that they don't deserve you and yeah that could be true sometimes,
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but other times you're the one who's changed.
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Sometimes nobody did anything bad to you.
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Sometimes the friendship worked perfectly for the person you used to be.
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And then one day you realize you don't really want to be part of these conversations anymore.
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You don't really want to spend your time like this anymore.
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But then now what?
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Because you are allowed to outgrow your friends and the circles you're in.
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But I also think you have a responsibility to remember
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that there is another human being on the other side of
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that friendship who might have absolutely no idea what is happening or why you're changing.
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And I've been on both sides of this.
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I've been the person who needed space and the person wondering why things suddenly changed.
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And I've definitely been the person who handled outgrowing a friendship very very badly
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so I want to talk about what I wish I understood back then as always we don't gatekeep
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so let's step into it when I started my self -growth
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and healing journey
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and was really trying to reinvent myself I wasn't ready to throw away my entire old life
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and the people in it I didn't think I'd lose
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so many of my closest friends and I really wish more people talked about this
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because there's a lot of guilt around feeling like you've outgrown your friends
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but the reality is sometimes you just do who you were
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when you met them is not who you need to be
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forever you're gonna change you're gonna grow you're gonna gain new
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perspectives your desires are gonna change your priorities are going to change.
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Your personality might even change.
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And there is absolutely no guarantee
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that every person you were compatible with at 22 years old is going to be compatible with you when you're 32.
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Think about how weird that expectation actually is.
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We understand this fully with almost everything else in life.
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We outgrow jobs, careers, cities, clothes, habits.
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You outgrow the way you used to date or do relationships.
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But somehow, when it comes to friendships, we feel like if somebody has been around long enough,
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that automatically means they forever deserve space in our lives.
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And I just don't think that's true.
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The history you have with someone is beautiful and it absolutely matters.
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But history doesn't always mean compatibility or that you both remain good for each other.
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Sometimes the thing that made you best friends literally doesn't even exist anymore.
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Maybe you were both single and going out every weekend.
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Maybe you were both going through horrible relationships at the same time and spent hours venting to each other.
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You were at the same stage in life and then one of you changes.
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Suddenly, what used to hold you two together isn't there anymore
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and that can be really painful because nobody necessarily did anything wrong.
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That's not to say you just let your friends go because you're in a different stage in life.
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But it takes true understanding and commitment to want to grow together,
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to try to re -get to know each other in every iteration of each other's becoming.
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During that period in my life where I was really trying to get my life together, I wanted to get out of debt.
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I wanted to get in shape.
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I wanted to stop dating the wrong men.
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I wanted to find the person I was actually going to settle down with
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and just completely change the trajectory of my life and doing all of that
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really messed up the way I had been living.
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Because I had my girl gang.
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I had my besties.
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These were girls I talked to every single day.
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We had gone through our childhood, teen years, most of our 20s together.
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So much history and stories and memories being there for each other through everything, every relationship drama and heartbreak.
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But I also realized that a huge part of our friendship was built around talking about those things.
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It was during that time that I really understood the phrase birds of a feather flock together, or that you are most like the people around you.
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We were always in bad relationships, always sad, always crying, always venting, always complaining, always judging people.
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And I decided alone, I didn't want to be that girl anymore.
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I wanted something different.
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Some of the things that connected me to those friends were also things I was actively trying to let go of.
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That's where it got kind of uncomfortable.
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I remember being so fed up in our group chat one day
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because it was just a non -stop venting word vomit session with every girl talking about her relationship
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and complaining about their mans.
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And I just couldn't participate anymore.
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Because when you learn to get out of that victim mindset, and you actually want to take personal responsibility,
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you learn to stop complaining and actually take action on the things you can control or the things you can change.
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So when I kept hearing these conversations, I literally wanted to be like, shut the fk up and do something.
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So I texted in the group chat saying, why are you guys with the man you're with if you're so unhappy?
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And the chat went silent.
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I mean, later on, I found out they actually created a separate group chat without me in it.
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And I'm pretty sure that group chat was born this day, but whatever.
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So when you have new goals or new desires, sometimes you genuinely have to change how you live or how you do things.
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If you want a completely different reality, you're gonna have to change your thoughts and your habits.
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The moment I mentally split from the old life and really went after what I wanted, I went from feeling I had my best friends
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and the world by my side that I was gonna take on this journey with me to having literally nobody.
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Because the people closest to me didn't understand what I was trying to do or why I was even changing.
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It just felt like we weren't speaking the same language anymore.
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And I mean, I know I probably also gave off a weird attitude
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because I was still forcing myself into these spaces to hang out with them.
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But my mind was completely somewhere else.
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Every time I hung out with them, I just felt like I was drifting away from my goals.
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I felt like I was wasting my time.
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Like I was already behind on all of the work I needed to do.
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I wanted to grow.
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I wanted to change.
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I wanted to build myself.
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I didn't want to keep talking about our relationship problems or keep going out partying and drinking.
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The conversations we had weren't expanding my life or adding to it.
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And because I felt this obligation to stick around, it created such an awkward dynamic where they could also feel like something was wrong.
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Me there with my RBF, them being like WTF is wrong with her.
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She's being so weird and killing the mood.
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But at the same time, neither of us were communicating what was really wrong because we didn't actually know.
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And eventually I became the enemy.
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After that friendship breakup, that was probably the loneliest period of my life.
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And I think I was actually clinically depressed, which was also part of the reason why I started creating content.
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But I think I was depressed because things didn't turn out how I expected.
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I somehow had this expectation
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that my girlfriends were all going to have the exact same awakening as me at the exact same time.
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And we're going to grow together and work on ourselves together.
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But instead, i lost the closest friends i loved like sisters zero closure zero conversation zero explanation
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and in hindsight i kind of get it why would they understand what i wanted
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or what i was going through
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or what i was trying to do those were my revelations
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those were my goals those were things i came to understand after
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so much internal exploration it really materialized the saying people can
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only meet you where they are at i shouldn't have had
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those expectations the best thing i could have done at the
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time was probably to set expectations on needing alone time and distancing myself slowly
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But it was hard to do that when I hadn't even realized it myself that I was outgrowing those friendships.
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In my own growth process, I had become really judgmental.
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I had stopped accepting certain excuses from myself
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and then I stopped accepting them from everybody else and
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that was my mistake because your growth does not automatically make you somebody else's life coach
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and your new perspective does not automatically make you more enlightened
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than anyone else who hasn't adopted it that's something i had
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to learn i kept trying to explain my realizations to these
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girls i kept trying to make them see what i saw
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and the harder i tried the more frustrated i got
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because you can't rip someone else's eyes open people have to arrive at their own realizations
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so just shut up if you have communicated something and you realize they aren't receptive to it, stop trying to drag them with you.
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You go, they stay, maybe they'll get there later, maybe they won't, that's their life.
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I think one of the biggest signs you feel
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when you think your friendship is reaching its expiration date is
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when maintaining that friendship requires you to keep being a version of you, you're actively trying to change.
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Like every time you hang out with that person, you fall back to old habits, or every time you guys chat, you get back into this headspace you're trying to get out of
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or you constantly having to make yourself smaller so they don't feel uncomfortable. For me, it was recognizing that I got really annoyed
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that I had to sacrifice time away from building the things I wanted to build for hangouts
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that didn't actually fill my cup.
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I had to pretend like I still cared about the things I absolutely just didn't care about anymore.
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Like if spending time with you consistently holds me back from what I want in my life, eventually I will need to create some space.
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So if you've ever catch yourself feeling those things anytime you think about a friend or spend time with a friend, that should tell you more than you need to know.
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Leave them be, let them do their thing, and you go do yours.
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Don't send them five podcasts and a paragraph text trying to explain your new philosophy on life.
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You don't need to convince them that you've discovered the secrets of the universe.
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Go live your life, stay on track, and don't hold yourself back for anyone.
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But handle it with care.
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Because social media has made boundaries very individualistic.
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Protect your peace.
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They're not entitled to access to you.
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You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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And technically, yeah, but I don't want to move through my relationships based exclusively on what I technically owe people.
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I care about the people I love.
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If someone has loved me, supported me, spent years of their life with me, and has been a friend to me, I want to consider their feelings too.
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Because when you outgrow someone, they feel it as well.
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Imagine you talk to somebody every day.
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You're sending memes, you're sending voice notes you're calling each other you're getting dinner together you know what's happening in their life
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and they know what's happening in yours
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and then suddenly you're different you're answering less you don't initiate anymore
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when they tell you something you don't really engage you're physically there
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but mentally somewhere else you stop inviting them to places your energy towards them completely changes
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and you never explain why what do you think they're gonna think They're gonna wonder what they did wrong.
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They're gonna replay conversations.
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Was it something I said?
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Is she mad at me?
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Did I offend her?
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Does she not like me anymore?
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I mean, we've all been there.
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You can feel the change.
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That's why I think if you genuinely care about someone, communication is kindness.
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Unless this person has done something terrible to you, I don't believe in burning bridges.
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But I do believe in removing access and setting boundaries through communication.
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If you used to give someone 100 % access to you, giving them 40 % suddenly feels like rejection unless you communicate it.
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If someone is sensitive to abandonment or rejection, a sudden change in your attention can feel really upsetting.
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You can't just be like, oh, it's not my problem problem they're thinking if they did something
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or if you're mad while you're just literally sitting at home trying to get your life together
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and then anxiety makes them reach out more they're asking what's wrong they want reassurance they want to hang out
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and if you're the person craving space now you feel suffocated
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so you pull away even more which makes them even more anxious
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and now you have this terrible cycle where both of you think the other person is the problem problem.
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That's why a little reassurance can go a really long way.
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So if you're going through this right now and you're wondering whether you've outgrown a friend, I want you to ask yourself a few things.
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Do I actually dislike this person or do I just need more space?
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Am I drained because they're taking too much from me or because I've never communicated my boundaries?
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Have my values changed?
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Have my priorities changed?
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Is this friendship requiring me to repeatedly participate in things I'm trying to leave behind?
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Am I staying because I genuinely love this friendship or because I feel guilty leaving?
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You could have had an entire friendship breakup happening inside your head
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because you've been processing it for six months and you're journaling about it, talking to your therapist about it before you decide that you are done.
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But the other girl, she is still trying to plan brunch with you.
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You've had six months to emotionally prepare for something she's about to experience overnight.
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So just keep that in mind.
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You are allowed to change.
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You're allowed to need space.
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You're allowed to realize that a friendship doesn't fit your life anymore.
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But becoming more protective of yourself doesn't require you becoming less considerate of other people.
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If they were genuinely good to you, please handle their heart with some care.
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You can outgrow someone and still be grateful that you grew beside them for a little while.
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And I think that's probably the healthiest way I've learned to look at friendships.
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That's all the cake I have for you today.
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Thank you so much for watching until the end.
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I appreciate it so much.
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And if you enjoyed our little chat today, please like hype and leave a comment to share your thoughts and I'll see you in the next episode.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This B2 speaking lesson is built on the video “the harsh reality of outgrowing friends”. This video has 213 sentences and 2784 words to shadow. The speech runs for 16:45. The speaker talks at a natural 166 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 85% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
The 15 most advanced words in the video, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| outgrow verb | /ˌɑʊtˈɡɹoʊ/ | To become too big in size or too mature in age or outlook to continue to want, need, use, experience, or accept some object, practice, condition, belief, etc. |
| genuinely adverb | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | In a genuine manner; truthfully, truly. |
| expectation noun | /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/ | The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen. |
| vent noun | /vɛnt/ | An opening through which gases, especially air, can pass. |
| boundary noun | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | The dividing line or location between two areas. |
| reassurance noun | The feeling of being reassured, of having confidence restored, of having apprehensions dispelled. | |
| breakup noun | /ˈbɹeɪk.ʌp/ | The act of breaking up; disintegration or division. |
| realization noun | /ˌɹɪə.laɪˈzeɪ.ʃən/ | An act of figuring out or becoming aware. |
| mindset noun | /ˈmaɪn(d)ˌsɛt/ | A way of thinking; an attitude or opinion, especially a habitual one. |
| rejection noun | /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/ | The act of rejecting. |
| compatible adjective | /kəmˈpæt.ə.bəl/ | Capable of working together without conflict. |
| technically adverb | /ˈtɛk.nɪˌkəl.i/ | Based on precise facts, which, however, may be contrary to common belief or casual terminology. |
| heal verb | /ˈhiːl/ | To make better from a disease, wound, etc.; to revive or cure. |
| depressed adjective | /dɪˈpɹɛst/ | Unhappy; despondent. |
| uncomfortable adjective | /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/ | Not comfortable; causing discomfort. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. | |
| get out of verb | To leave, exit or escape from; to become free of. | |
| go out verb | To leave, especially a building. | |
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. | |
| give off verb | /ɡɪv ɒf/ | To emit; to produce and send forth; to come across in some manner. |
| leave behind verb | To abandon. | |
| mess up verb | To make a mess of; to untidy, disorder, soil, or muss. | |
| pull away verb | To move ahead. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- They're not entitled to access to you.
- You don't owe anyone an explanation.
- Was it something I said?
- Is she mad at me?
- Does she not like me anymore?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to be · used to date · used to hold |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've been · I've definitely been · has been |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | are allowed · was built · was born |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | women who want · person who needed · person who handled |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 108 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, didn't. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: feather /ˈfɛðə/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, realization /ˌɹɪə.laɪˈzeɪ.ʃən/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, expiration /ˌɛk.spɚˈeɪ̯.ʃən/, iteration /ˌɪt.əˈɹeɪ.ʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, realization /ˌɹɪə.laɪˈzeɪ.ʃən/, compatible /kəmˈpæt.ə.bəl/, technically /ˈtɛk.nɪˌkəl.i/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like outgrow, genuinely, expectation.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.