Shadowing Practice: allow me to de-influence you | relationship edition - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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I fear that some of the most romantic relationship advice you hear are also the same advice
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that keeps you making bad decisions in love.
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So allow me to de-influence you from some relationship beliefs that might be ruining your love life.
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Hi muses!
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Welcome back to the channel where women who want everything learn to have their cake and eat it too.
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I'm your host Nadine and I am all about Rebuilding the Village for Women.
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I just want to thank you for being here.
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Please subscribe if you're new so you never miss any of our chats.
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I'm a total lover girl and I love romance.
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I love the idea of finding your person and building this beautiful life together.
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I do believe that love will heal the world, but I also think that if you have a lot of love to give,
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it makes it even more important to have discernment because there are
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so many ideas about relationships that we have romanticized that never really actually benefits the well-being of women.
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And then you get so attached to what love is supposed to look like
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or feel like that you stop paying attention to what's actually unfolding in your relationship.
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And when you have a huge capacity to love someone, you also have a huge capacity to rationalize the things they do.
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You see potential, you find meaning and struggle.
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You give multiple chances until eventually you realize that you've just gotten really good at explaining why the relationship isn't good yet.
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I've learned a lot through my own relationships, heartbreaks, mistakes, and just seeing love very differently now after knowing how much relationships can change you.
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So today I'm sharing six things I had to learn in my own love life.
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Some came from realizing that things I used to romanticize weren't actually serving me,
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and some are conclusions I've come to simply because I've gotten much wiser
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and clearer about the kind of love in life I actually want.
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You absolutely do not have to agree with every single one.
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These are just my perspectives, but maybe one of them will make you look at something in your life a little differently.
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As always, we don't gatekeep, So let's step into it.
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Number one, butterflies in your stomach is a nervous system reaction and not proof of chemistry.
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You know, when you get really excited and nervous when you meet someone new.
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Yeah.
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I kind of learned to ignore that your body reacting intensely to someone does not automatically mean that is your husband.
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Sometimes it's just your nervous system recognizing something that feels familiar, which may or may not be healthy for you.
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We've been fed this idea that love has to start with this intense passion and be obsessive and all-encompassing.
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You meet him and you can't eat.
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You can't sleep.
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You're checking your phone every five minutes and you're like, oh my God, I've never felt this way before.
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Sometimes that's just excitement and anxiety.
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The freshness and novelty of not knowing where you stand with someone creates butterflies.
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Someone love bombing you can create butterflies, but when you fall too hard too fast,
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you end up missing or ignoring all of the signs and red flags.
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And if you're used to emotional unpredictability, stability can't initially feel kind of boring.
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There's no emotional roller coaster.
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You're just getting to know someone and they're clear with their intentions and pursuit.
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But I think that's how some of the healthiest love begins.
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It's much slower because you're actually paying attention to his actions, his behavior, his intentions, his character,
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and most importantly, his consistency.
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Of course, be attracted and please be excited about him, but just know that intensity means nothing if he can't be consistent.
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Number two, the idea of the right person at the wrong time just means this was the wrong person.
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Let's not glorify it.
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I have this window or door theory, which I actually apply to a lot of things in life.
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You can meet someone who treats you really well and checks a lot of your boxes, but the relationship still couldn't happen.
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Lack of attraction, problems around values, timing, things out of your control.
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I have started thinking about these people as windows instead of doors.
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A window lets you see something.
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A door gives you somewhere to go.
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And sometimes a person comes into your life just to show
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you what is possible without necessarily being the person you're supposed to build your life with.
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Maybe he showed you what emotional availability feels like, or he showed you that men can actually communicate,
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or maybe you finally experienced a generous man, or he loved a part of you you thought was too hard to love.
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And because that experience expanded your standards, you think it has to be him.
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But maybe his purpose in your life was just to show you what is possible.
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Number three, I'm kind of scared and nervous to share this one, but the dream girl theory is real and you know when you are her.
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I know this one is going to hurt
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and it might piss some people off because I have made some women upset with this, but they always come back to me and tell me that I'm right.
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So I need you to hear this because it's going to be part of a big life decision you make.
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I believe in the dream girl theory, not in the sense that there is one perfect woman who can magically transform a terrible man.
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Absolutely not.
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We do not touch that.
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But I do think that when men are truly in love with you, you can feel it.
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When he appreciates having you in his life, when he can't stand seeing you in pain, can't stand seeing you struggle,
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There's a level of care and devotion, almost like he would literally do anything within his means for you.
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That's where you see the babying, the coddling, or his softness, or how gentle he is with you, how much he wants to do things for you.
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Unfortunately, most women get into relationships with men who like them just enough,
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or with men who use them as placeholders while they are building or until they can get the girl they actually want.
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I am skipping the placeholder talk because if you work on your self-worth and your self-love enough, you would eventually get out of that relationship on your own.
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But the sneaky one is the man who likes you just enough.
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He'll do everything right.
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You'll get married.
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You'll have kids.
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He'll give you your once a month dates.
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He'll send you flowers on all the right holidays and your birthday.
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Everything will be split exactly 50-50.
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You'll have your twice a year family vacations.
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He'll be a great father and a passable husband,
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yet you will feel like you can never ask him for more because he just doesn't want to give more to you.
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This is never really a bad deal for him because he gets everything he wants.
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You've given him a family, kids, companionship, a warm bed, sex, your responsible great wife.
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You've given him everything, but you'll find that your emotional needs are rarely ever met.
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He does the basics of a good husband, but nothing more.
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So you'll feel crazy for being unhappy and feel bad for wanting more.
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And I'm not saying that these relationships don't work out.
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In fact, I think these are the majority of a lot of relationships and marriages, but just know exactly what you're signing up for.
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A man who holds you in the palm of his hands, who truly wants a life with you
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and is always looking out for you is not going to
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feel the same as a man who is strictly just looking for a partner to do life with.
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Number four, no one is coming to save you.
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I am going to speak on this from experience.
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I had hit a low in my life previously where I was really struggling
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and just praying I would meet someone who could help me out of the dumps.
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Let's just say that the mindset you're in at rock bottom is not a very empowered mindset to date with.
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If they can help you, they can leave you back where you were unless you build up the skills to thrive on your own.
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On the flip side, through that experience, I had also become so strong and so independent,
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so exhausted of doing things on my own, so capable that I also felt like, damn, I just want a man to show up and see all
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that I am carrying and let me feel safe to lean on him.
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Someone who was like, baby girl, you have done enough.
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Let me take care of you.
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But babe, you have to give yourself the life you want and the love you want to yourself first.
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You have to learn how to thrive on your own while creating space for the man you want to meet you halfway.
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Because no man that you actually want is going to waltz into your life and fight you to be the man.
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He's not going to argue with you to let him take care of you.
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He's just going to be like, okay, she's got a handle.
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She doesn't need me.
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Let me go to someone who actually wants me to care for them and can appreciate me.
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And if you're an absolute train wreck on the flip side and you're waiting for a man to save you, no man who has his life together
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and has a good head on his shoulders is going to attach himself to chaos and drama.
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And that is a fact.
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You got to be strong for yourself.
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You got to level up.
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You got to create opportunities for yourself to date better
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and make sure that you are also someone the man you want wants to.
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Number five, love is not enough.
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Your partner is the only family member you get to choose.
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So you have to choose wisely.
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You don't get to choose your parents.
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You don't get to choose your siblings.
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You don't get to choose the family you are born into, but you do get to choose the person you create your own family with.
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And I don't think this is talked about enough how consequential this decision actually is
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because you're not just choosing a boyfriend or a husband.
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You're choosing someone you're potentially going to share a home with, make financial decisions with, celebrate with, travel with, age with.
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Someone who might be sitting next to you in a hospital room one day.
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The person who is supposed to hold your hand when one of your parents pass away.
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Love is important, absolutely, but character, values, and emotional safety matter so much more.
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Your relationship with him becomes the blueprint of love your children model after when they grow up.
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Yes, divorce is so common now, but you still have to deal with each other because he's the father of your child.
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Ask yourself honestly, if you removed the romantic part of this relationship,
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would you still choose this person as your partner for the biggest group project of your life?
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Do you trust your future with this man's character?
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Last one, number six, struggle love is over romanticized and suffering is not a virtue.
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I really want us to let go of the idea
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that suffering or struggling with a man somehow earns you a better version of him later.
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I was there when he had nothing.
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I held him down.
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I believed in him before anybody else did.
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I stayed for everything.
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Okay.
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And I'm not saying that there is no value to the work you've put in
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or that you should never do this for a good man, but you need to understand the risks and the opportunity costs.
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Being his day one does not guarantee you will be there on day 3650.
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Enduring hardship with him, depending on his character, may or may not buy you some loyalty because how somebody behaves when their circumstances improve
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has so much more to do with their character than how much you sacrificed along the way.
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There are men who appreciate their wives because she's been there since day one
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and now he has all the resources to give her the best life.
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And then there are men who leave their starter wives
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and love their second wives even more because now he actually has his dream girl.
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And then there are men who reach success, fall out of love with their wives, but stay married out of loyalty and because they want to keep the money in the family.
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But it might be a loveless marriage.
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They might open up their relationship.
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He might have mistresses or whatever.
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You don't really know who he's going to be until the day comes.
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So again, know exactly what you're signing up for.
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I think we started attaching morality to a woman's willingness to struggle with a man.
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Like if she stays in struggles, she's loyal.
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If she says this isn't the life I want and I'm done, then suddenly she's selfish or a gold digger.
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But you are allowed to value peace and stability.
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These are just some of the insights and realizations around love and relationships I've come to understand through my own reflection.
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I think if there's one thing I want you to take away from today,
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it's that you have to stop letting romantic ideas make decisions for your real life because some things sound beautiful in theory,
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but you have to realize most of it is a fantasy.
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You are the only one
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and potentially your future child who has to live with the choices you make and the life those fantasy ideas actually create.
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At the end of the day, you decide the road you wanna take, the things you wanna do, but just try to make sure you are doing it for the right person,
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that they are actually worthy of your love and that you are not abandoning yourself in the process.
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I have always said this, getting into a relationship is easy.
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Getting into the right relationship with the right person is what's kind of hard.
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Does this relationship actually make your life better?
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Do you like who you are with this person?
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Do you respect the person you're building a life with?
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Do they respect you?
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Are you choosing him based on who he consistently is today, his characters, morals, and values?
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Or are you choosing him based on who you're hoping he'll eventually become?
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Because if nothing about him changes from this exact moment forward, would you still choose this relationship?
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Because that is the person you're actually with.
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That's all the cake I have for you today.
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Thank you so much for watching until the end.
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I appreciate it so much.
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And if you enjoyed our little chat today, please like, hype, and leave a comment to share your thoughts, and I'll see you in the next episode.
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Who Is This Video For?
This video is perfect for intermediate to advanced English learners aiming to refine their conversational skills and critical thinking. It’s ideal for those who want to practice understanding natural, relatable speech while exploring complex topics like relationships. The dialogue balances casual storytelling with reflective insights, making it great for improving listening comprehension and learning to express nuanced ideas in English.
Words & Idioms Worth Stealing
- De-influence: To encourage someone to reject a popular belief. Example: "She tried to de-influence her friend from buying the trendy but useless product."
- Love bombing: Overwhelming someone with affection to gain control. Example: "His constant gifts and texts felt like love bombing, not genuine care."
- Red flags: Warning signs of potential problems. Example: "His refusal to talk about his past was a red flag I should have noticed."
- Emotional roller coaster: A series of intense, unpredictable emotions. Example: "Their relationship was an emotional roller coaster, with constant fights and make-ups."
How to Get the Accent Right
To master the speaker’s natural, conversational tone, focus on stress and intonation. She emphasizes key ideas by raising her pitch on words like "discernment," "consistency," and "wrong person," which helps convey emphasis. Practice the shadowing technique by pausing the video and repeating her phrases—pay attention to how she shortens words in casual speech (e.g., "I'm" instead of "I am," "you're" instead of "you are"). This will help you sound more fluent and natural. For extra practice, use a shadowing site to record yourself and compare it to the original. Also, note her pacing: she speaks slowly enough to be clear but with a relaxed rhythm, which is key for engaging communication. Improving English pronunciation with these techniques will make your speech sound more confident and native-like.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have romanticized · you've just gotten · I've learned |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | women who want · someone who treats · woman who can |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | We've been fed · be attracted · will be split |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.