Shadowing Practice: having standards will change your life | non-negotiables, self worth, settling - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Stop me if you've heard this one.
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You're the strong friend, the independent girlfriend, the reliable employee, and somehow you're also the most exhausted,
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underappreciated person in every room you walk into.
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Weird how that works, right?
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Hi muses!
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Welcome back to my channel where we talk about how women can have their cake and eat it too.
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I'm your host Nadine and I'm here to rebuild the village women once had
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so we can have the right conversations and create lives that feel as good as it looks.
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Please like, subscribe, and turn on the notification bell so you don't miss anything.
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You know what nobody tells you about your 20s or your 30s?
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That the hardest part isn't actually figuring out what you want.
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Yes, I know, crazy, right?
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Because when you feel a little bit lost and directionless, that's all you care about.
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But the hardest part is having enough self -love to give yourself permission to have standards in life.
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Because there's so much self -negotiation and bargaining that even after you know exactly what you want,
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you might not even go for it because you don't feel worthy of actually having it.
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So you settle, you accept friendships that drain you, relationships where you're the only one trying, jobs that pay you well, but cost you your piece.
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And you tell yourself, it's fine that you're being realistic, low maintenance, chill.
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That was me and maybe all of my twenties.
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But as it turns out, I wasn't any of those things.
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I was just scared that if I asked for more or desired more, I'd end up with nothing at all.
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So today, we're talking about something I wish someone had told me years ago.
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How to set standards that honor who you're becoming, not who you used to be.
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And more importantly, how to stop settling for situations that make you feel like you're shrinking just to fit,
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but you're too scared to take that next step.
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As always, we don't gatekeep, so let's step into it.
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Let me start with a little confession that's going to totally expose me in my pick -me era.
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There was a time in my life where I convinced myself
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that having low standards meant I was mature and cool because I didn't need much.
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That being chill meant comfortably splitting every bill down to the penny, never asking for help because I could do it myself,
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accepting breadcrumb friendships where I was always the one reaching out and making excuses for them, and that all of this was just normal.
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But I had this nagging feeling that something was off.
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You know when you hang out with a friend and afterwards you just feel kind of icky,
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like the interaction didn't add to your life, it just drained you?
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I had that feeling everywhere.
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My friendships, my relationship, my job.
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Of course I knew something was off, but I just couldn't pinpoint what it was.
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And turns out it was standards or the complete lack of them
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but it had me in a gridlock
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because on one end I felt like demanding more didn't feel right like I shouldn't be asking for more
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and it kind of also went against the whole cool girl thing
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but staying where I was felt even worse I remember
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I was dating someone who made four times my income at the time
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I was working two full -time jobs barely making 70k in salary mind you I live in the Bay Area
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so 70k wasn't a lot and I think after rent, bills, groceries, and putting my money into my 401k, I had like $600 left every month.
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But he was all about splitting everything 50 -50 because his words, not mine, I was a strong, independent woman.
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And I believed his logic and wore that label like a badge of honor.
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While things weren't actually 50 -50 in our relationship, I cooked, I cleaned, he was always over at my apartment,
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and I never asked him to do anything
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because he made it feel like asking him to help was like admitting that I wasn't capable.
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That was not independence, okay?
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That was both survival mode, dressed up as feminism, and him completely taking advantage of my care and love.
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And I think a lot of us do this, right?
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We confuse having no standards with being low maintenance.
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We think that if we don't ask for much, we won't be disappointed.
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If we don't expect anything, we can't be let down, or we would be more desirable because we're easygoing.
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But here's the uncomfortable truth.
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When you have no standards, you're not protecting yourself from disappointment.
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You're guaranteeing it.
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You're allowing yourself to have low quality life experiences.
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You're allowing people who shouldn't even be in your life have an opportunity to have access to you
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because people will meet you exactly where you set the bar.
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And if your bar is on the floor, that is where they will find you.
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I learned this the hard way across every area of my life in friendships
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I had girls who would call me up at 2 a .m
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when they needed something or they were crying
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but somehow never had time to celebrate my wins
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or they'd talk behind each other's backs and what started out feeling like closeness
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because I thought they were sharing with me their inner thoughts turned into suspicion
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that they did the same to me when i wasn't in the room
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which i later confirmed was actually true
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or before i quit my tech job i had
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so many boundaries crossed
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and i just accepted it anything
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you think a young asian girl working in a male -dominated field can experience
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i did i thought speaking up would make me lose my job
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so i thought keeping quiet made things safe
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that i could just brush things off
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and it'll stop happening shout out to my work dad who immediately reported to hr even though i was terrified
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and obviously in relationships.
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I dated men who were emotionally unavailable, stingy only when it came to me
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and somehow made me feel like I was asking for too much when all I wanted was care, thoughtfulness, effort, and respect.
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And through all of it, I told myself the same lie.
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This is just how it is.
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This is the best I can do.
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If I could do better or have better in life, it would have happened already,
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which is honestly the worst self -pitying limiting belief my little aha moment came in a chain of revelations okay
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because I finally got real with myself
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and was like I'd rather be single forever than be with a selfish man
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I'd rather clean cleats at a cycling studio than stay in a soul -sucking corporate job
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which is exactly what I did by the way I quit everything
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and worked at a cycling studio for six months while I rebuilt my life from scratch.
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Total woo -woo manifestation story of how I found my next opportunity, but we'll save that for another episode.
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Like I was saying, I realized all these things I held
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so close to me and refused to let go was doing me more harm than good.
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And I would rather be without than be with, which I'm not going to lie.
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It took a huge amount of courage to just be like, F this.
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I literally blew up my old life.
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But when I finally ended things, with a man, with a job, with a friend, I felt this surge of energy.
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Like I was finally me again.
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And I had the longest, most relieving cry because I was so happy that I finally chose myself.
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I had been dimming myself for
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so long just to make room for people who didn't even appreciate the space I was giving them.
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And that breakup kicked off everything.
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So I wanted to talk about standards today because I think we've overcomplicated this.
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Standards aren't about being high maintenance or difficult or demanding.
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They're not about making people jump through hoops to prove they are worthy of you.
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Standards are simply the baseline of how you expect to be treated based on how you treat yourself.
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Let me say that again because this is important.
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Your standards are a reflection of your self -worth.
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They're the boundary between what you will accept and what you won't, between what nourishes you and what depletes you.
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So when you don't have standards, you're not actually being easygoing.
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You're just telling the world, I don't value myself enough to require you to value me either.
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Those of you who have followed me for a while know that I started off doing social media talking about relationships,
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femininity, dating, setting high standards, et cetera.
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But the missing part of the conversation was always around having real standards based on self -worth
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and not just what you think you should have, based on what you think women with high standards are like.
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Because what you think is high standards or high maintenance could be the bare minimum for another woman, and that's totally fine.
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Same goes with friendships and careers and everything else in life.
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And here's the nuance.
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Standards and expectations are not the same.
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Standards are your baseline.
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They're the non -negotiable threshold of how you allow yourself to be treated based on your self -worth.
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Standards are about you, What you will accept what you won't tolerate what you require to feel valued and respected
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They are the floor not the ceiling
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Expectations are your desires
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They're the specific things you hope for or want from other people or situations
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Expectations are about them what you'd like them to do how you hope they will show up for you
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What would make you happy?
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Boundaries are what protect your standards and your standards are what protect your lived experience standards are enforced by walking away.
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Expectations are communicated.
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Then you see if they can meet them.
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You can have unmet expectations and stay in a relationship, but a violated standard, you walk.
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I'm sorry to be so precise about this, but this distinction is so important when it comes to relationships, work, friendships, family, everything.
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And it's also the reason why a lot of young women get confused when they're dating because they feel happy,
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yet their friends tell them that he's not doing enough or whatever.
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I don't want to make this episode about relationships and dating, but if this is something you're interested in,
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please let me know in the comments because I definitely have a lot to say.
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So getting back on track, how do we actually set standards in life in a way that sticks?
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I think there are four areas to focus on.
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Friendships, love, career, and how you live life.
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Standards and friendship.
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Real friendships should be reciprocal.
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not transactional, reciprocal.
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You shouldn't be the only one initiating plans, the only one checking in,
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the only one who is celebrating their wins or shows up during hard times.
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I had to learn this the hard way when I went through a massive friendship breakup, multiple friendships at the same time,
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and it was painful, but it also showed me who these women really were.
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Standards in love.
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This is where most of us struggle the most, isn't it?
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We've been taught that having standards in dating makes us picky, difficult, that we'll end up alone if we don't lower our expectations,
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but the right person won't make you feel like you're asking for too much.
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They'll make you feel like you deserve even more than what you're asking for.
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The same goes for work and how you treat yourself.
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Most of us know we deserve better, but we don't act that way because knowing and acting are two different things.
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So step one is to get clear on your non -negotiables.
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You need to know what you will and won't accept.
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And I mean really, really know.
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Sit down and write it out for friendships, relationships, career, and life.
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Not what you think you should want, what you actually need.
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For me, some of mine were I want a relationship with someone who knows how to initiate quality time.
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I want friendships with people who know how to genuinely celebrate my success and cheer for me.
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I will not tolerate friendships with people who condone conflicting moral values like lying and cheating.
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I will not stay at a job where I am disrespected and undervalued.
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Get specific, get honest, get real with yourself.
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Step two, communicate your standards without apologizing.
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This is where most people get stuck.
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They set standards internally, but they never actually communicate them because they think everyone should know.
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But remember I said your high standards could be someone else's bare minimum?
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Same thing.
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Some people are just not on the same page as you.
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And you have to communicate and then observe.
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You have to be willing to say, I'm not comfortable with that.
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That doesn't work for me.
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I need more than what you're offering.
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And you have to say it without over explaining or apologizing or making yourself small to make them more comfortable.
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Your standards aren't up for negotiation.
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That's why they're non -negotiables.
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They're simply the terms and conditions under which you engage.
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Step three, be willing to walk away.
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This is the hardest part, but also the part that will change your life completely.
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Having standards means nothing if you're not willing to enforce them.
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If someone consistently violates your boundaries, you have to be willing to walk away, even if you love them,
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even if it's uncomfortable, even if you're scared of being alone.
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It can be brutal and cutthroat, but this is how you ensure you only have the right people in your life.
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Because if you're a lover girl like me, we are people who appreciate second chances, but a lot of people don't.
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And the more you give chances, the more they think you don't value yourself rather than show gratitude for your forgiveness or generosity.
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So please pay attention.
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When I finally started walking away from situations that didn't serve me, instead of giving them opportunities to do me wrong again,
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the job that disrespected me, I quit and found something better.
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The friendships that were one -sided, I let them go and then I found my girls the relationship
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that made me feel unworthy I left and found a man who makes me feel so cherished and step four
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Do your inner work
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You cannot sustain high standards with low self -worth period
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I had to do the work the girls I worked with had to do the work
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My friends who dated bad men or got burnt out at work had to do the work
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The therapy the journaling the reading the nervous system regulation the shadow work all of it
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Because if you don't genuinely believe you deserve better, you'll self -sabotage every time you get close to having it.
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Healing isn't optional if you want to live a high standard life.
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It's the foundation.
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And I know what you're thinking because I thought it too.
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But what if I end up alone?
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What if no one can meet my standards?
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What if I'm asking for too much?
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I'm going to go back and say, get clear on your standards versus expectations.
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If you can meet your own standards, so can other people.
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As for ending up alone, babe, you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone if those people don't actually see you,
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value you, or show up for you.
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I'd rather have an empty room than a room full of people who make me feel empty.
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Here's what I want you to take away from this.
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Setting standards is learning to be discerning.
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You're not building up walls to ice people out.
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You're building a life where you feel safe, valued, and genuinely happy.
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And it starts with a decision to stop settling for situations that make you feel like you have to be less.
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You don't need permission to want more.
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You don't need permission to expect better.
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You don't need permission to walk away from anything or anyone who doesn't honor who you're becoming.
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So your homework for this week, I want you to identify one area of your life where you've been settling.
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Just one, okay?
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Maybe it's a friendship that's been one -sided for months.
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Maybe it's a job that stopped serving you years ago.
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Maybe it's how you talk to yourself when no one else is listening.
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Pick one and then ask yourself, what would a woman who values herself do in this situation?
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And then try to do that.
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Even if it's hard, even if it's scary.
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It doesn't have to be dramatic or perfect.
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It just has to be honest because your life is too short
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and too precious to spend it making yourself smaller for people who will never appreciate how big your heart actually is.
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That's all the cake I have for you today.
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Thank you so much for watching until the end.
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I appreciate it so much and
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if you enjoyed our little talk today please like subscribe
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and leave a comment to share your thoughts and I'll see you in the next episode
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “having standards will change your life”. This video has 233 sentences and 2919 words to shadow. The speech runs for 15:40. The speaker talks fast, about 186 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 86% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| friendship noun | /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/ | The condition of being friends. |
| expectation noun | /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/ | The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen. |
| settle verb | /ˈsɛtəl/ | To determine (something which was exposed to doubt or question); to resolve conclusively; to set or fix (a time, an order of succession, etc). |
| communicate verb | /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/ | To impart or transmit (information or knowledge) to someone; to make known, to tell. |
| boundary noun | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | The dividing line or location between two areas. |
| genuinely adverb | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | In a genuine manner; truthfully, truly. |
| scare verb | /skɛɚ/ | To frighten, terrify, startle, especially in a minor way. |
| worthy adjective | /ˈwɝ.ði/ | Having worth, merit, or value. |
| uncomfortable adjective | /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/ | Not comfortable; causing discomfort. |
| chill verb | /tʃɪl/ | To lower the temperature of something; to cool. |
| apologize verb | /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/ | To make an apology or excuse; to acknowledge some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends |
| drain noun | /dɹiːn/ | A conduit allowing liquid to flow out of an otherwise contained volume; a plughole (UK) |
| subscribe verb | /səbˈskɹaɪb/ | To write (one’s name) at the bottom of a document; to sign (one's name). |
| enforce verb | /ɪnˈfoɹs/ | To keep up, impose or bring into effect something, not necessarily by force. |
| rebuild verb | /ɹiːˈbɪld/ | To build again or anew. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| end up verb | To bring to a conclusion. |
| walk away verb | To withdraw from a problematic situation. |
| turn out verb | To end up; to result. |
| walk away from verb | To abandon or leave; to shun; to refuse. |
| blow up verb | To explode or be destroyed by explosion. |
| build up verb | To erect; to construct. |
| dress up verb | To put on special or fancy clothes. |
| figure out verb | To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Stop me if you've heard this one.
- What would make you happy?
- This is where most of us struggle the most, isn't it?
- What if no one can meet my standards?
- What if I'm asking for too much?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | someone who made · people who shouldn · men who were |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | was felt · can't be let · be treated |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | you've heard · we've overcomplicated · have followed |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 101 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: worthy /ˈwɝ.ði/, threshold /ˈθɹɛʃ(h)oʊld/, cutthroat /ˈkʌtθɹəʊt/, thoughtfulness /ˈθɔt.f(ə)l.nəs/, unworthy /ʌnˈwɝði/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, negotiation /nɪˌɡəʊ.ʃiˈeɪ.ʃən/, initiate /ɪˈnɪʃ.i.eɪt/, shadow /ˈʃædəʊ̯/
- Long words — get the stress right: expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like friendship, expectation, settle.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.