Shadowing Practice: How to DECENTRE romance in your 20s! - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Spake and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes,

moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, welcome back to the show welcome back to the podcast new

listeners old listeners wherever you are in the world it is

so great to have you here back for another episode as

we of course break down the psychology of our 20s

so the other day I did an episode on the five biggest regrets I have about my 20s

so far and one of those regrets

that really stood out to a lot of you was this

regret I have about focusing too much on dating in my

early 20s I remember being 19 in my college university dorm room downloading tinder

and being like this better get me a boyfriend like I

need a boyfriend I need to fit in I need to have this like relationship

that like others can see and that's like gonna feel amazing

and this is gonna make me feel really great about myself and I got the boyfriend it wasn't very satisfying.

I ended up back in this cycle of again and again and again, chasing validation from men,

chasing validation from romantic partners that was actually pretty unfulfilling

and took away a lot of the time that I should have devoted to figuring myself out,

to traveling, exploring, putting time and effort into friendships.

You know, there was especially this relationship

that I've spoken about before where you know the very fact

that I was in that relationship cost me a lot of friendships

and it's something that I still think about fairly often I still miss those friends

so much and I'm not even in that relationship anymore

and it's a huge regret of mine

that romance often took precedence over not just all other kinds of love

but just everything in my life nowadays we're seeing this incredible

and i would also say personally really admirable trend of de

-centering men de -centering dating taking your time to find the

right person honoring your single years questioning what we sacrifice in

a relationship as much as what we think we gain

and i thought what a great time to investigate this trend of decent centering romance decentering men in our 20s and doing

so from a psychological perspective i want to talk about where

this laser focus on love comes from in our 20s why

it might be holding us back in other areas of our lives

and how we can decenter dating and needing to find our person during this decade

so that we can be a little bit selfish so

that we can really focus on ourselves so that we can have all

that time and energy and effort and attention we put into others just for us

when I think we really need it the most.

So without further ado let's break down the psychology behind de -centering romance in our 20s.

To start us off I think we should first look at why we focus so much on love during this decade, during these years.

The first explanation and the easiest explanation is simply that love is really wonderful.

Like it is great.

I'm not going to pretend that it's not.

You and I both know it is life -changing if it is with the right person.

The thing is though, nobody told us how hard it would actually be to find the right person.

The storybook romances of our childhood, they are actually pretty few and far between.

But because our society is based around ideals of marriage, unions, couples, families, we often feel like,

or at least I remember feeling like, the rest of my life would not start, could not start until I had firstly ticked off get a

boyfriend on my list get into a relationship was this thing that I had to do before,

you know, I could progress into the next phase of my life before I could truly be an adult.

There is this huge societal pressure to find somebody so that you can, you know, move in together and then so that you can get married,

get a mortgage, get a dog, have a kid.

And that is a process that we feel very pressured to begin at actually what is quite a young...

age like your early 20s you were you're still like very very young

and yet in the back of your mind there is this

constant fear of like the clock is ticking all the good

ones are taken my standards are just going to get lower

the dating pool is going to get smaller i feel like

we all know this script i always ask myself how much of this is really just about social approval

and social recognition and how much of this is actually purely about the other person

and really caring for them

and having real true deep passionate feelings for another human we

are very naturally sensitive to what is publicly celebrated obviously we instinctually as humans seek harmony

and conformity even if we think that we don't

and being in a relationship is a goal and is something

that is very easy to recognize and applaud from the outside it's not

that we are shallow it's not that we are only doing this because other people expect it from us.

It's just that we are very much aware and influenced by society's expectations

and the fact that romantic milestones monopolize our sense of progress,

even when our values are more complex than that.

You may have noticed this, like you see a family member you haven't seen in a while.

Sometimes even you have conversations with your friends and it's never, you know, how excited are you for the future or what's like the big thing that you're working on right now?

What are you excited about?

What's your goal?

It's always, so do you have a boyfriend yet?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Are you dating anyone?

The conversation always comes back to that and it creates a lot of anxiety.

Anxiety that influences our decision making.

You know, this is another thing that I think about a lot

and that I really wish my younger self had thought about a little bit more.

Do you really want a boyfriend?

Do you really want a girlfriend?

Or do you just want the anxiety about being single to go away?

Do you actually want a relationship?

Or would it just stop you worrying about what you may be missing out on?

Do you want a partner?

Or do you want people to know that you have value

because someone chose you this is all stemming from deep fears

about whether we're worthy whether whether we are loved whether we

are accepted whether we have value this fear this anxiety pushes

us from a place of discernment a place of rationality intention

and value into a place of urgency a place of impulsivity blindness where we accelerate commitment not

because the fit is strong not because we are even necessarily compatible,

but because the timeline that we are experiencing in our 20s feels very fragile and feels very uncertain.

What is the risk in this?

What is the risk in centering romance too much and too strongly in our 20s?

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The risk here is what we refer to as narrative foreclosure.

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We have the partner.

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We found the person on the dating app and now

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that we're in the relationship and maybe we're a couple of years down the line

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we genuinely believe it's too late to start over again it's too late to get back out there

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so you tolerate less and less and less

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and less than an amazing relationship for this good relationship for this relationship

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that at least ticks the box of being partnered

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and you know what what should really I really believe should scare us

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and scare you more than not finding somebody is actually finding the wrong person and confusing them with the right person.

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A lot of the time rushing into relationships

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or marriages very young is actually more likely to see you broken up

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or divorced later down the line

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because we are acting from a place again of urgency rather than discernment which causes us to just choose wrong.

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A 2013 study published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology actually found

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that 61 % of couples who recently got a divorce cited

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that getting married too young was one of the main factors their relationship didn't work out.

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Simply being partnered when you're in your early 20s

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because you feel like you have to is not the same as being well -matched

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and is not the same as having somebody you genuinely trust and are compatible with.

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And the risk is that you have this person and

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so you feel like a chapter in your life is closed maybe earlier than it should have.

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You've given this person some of the best years of your life.

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You've given them your youth and then now you're 30, 40 and you're like, why did I do that?

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Why was I in such a rush?

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I actually had so much time and I cannot get those years back.

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the biggest reason i think that we should be de -centering romance in our 20s is

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because ultimately this should be your selfish decade

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if you want to spend a month in greece do it

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if you want to move countries do it

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if you want to change who you are every four months

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do it you want to explore everything try it all taste

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it all see it all do it like having these goals

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and ambitions for yourself requires focus and it requires time

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and it requires you to be really honest

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and in touch with who you are and when you focus

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when your focus is on romantic love

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and romantic love only don't confuse me your life is not

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about you anymore it is about this faceless elusive someone who will come into your life

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and save the day

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if you are waiting to be chosen before your life really

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begins you are going to contort yourself change yourself lose yourself

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trying to impress somebody who might not even make your life better than what it could have been without them

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so you lose your identity you lose your priorities you also lose your time you know centering romantic possibilities

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and centering dating is

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so time consuming it is it takes up valuable mental energy

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getting to know somebody replying to all these messages on dating apps constantly trying to organize dates

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and remember whether they ghosted you or not like

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it's basically a full -time job I remember

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when I was dating fairly intensely for a couple of years there

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if I had made a pie chart of what I spent time thinking about

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and I was like pursuing my education I had a really

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great job I had hobbies still 50 % of the time I would be thinking about

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men and I would be distracted by what they were thinking about me

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and it was all I could talk about with my friends it was

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so time consuming and that was time that I don't get back

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that I could have used for rest or learning a new skill

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or making new friends or being creative and

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and I really do feel like it was in some ways

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wasted I think maybe on a deeper level sometimes we do this we give up our time

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and we chase being chosen because we just want to feel like we belong

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and we want to feel like somebody sees us and loves us

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and that is a way to avoid truly being with ourselves we get a fast hit of safety

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or self -esteem in the text in the plans in the promises of being with somebody in their potential

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and I think we momentarily get a sense of relief

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that we might not be lonely forever that maybe we're not that terrible maybe we do have value

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and what we're really engaging in here is emotional bypassing we're

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using the attention of other people to dodge the inner work

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because it feels safer to do so oftentimes we think you You know, when I'm in a relationship, everything will change.

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I'll have the validation I'll need.

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I'll be happy because somebody else has confirmed for me that I have value.

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And the thing is, is that all that insecurity will still be there.

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And it will probably be made worse by the fact

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that perhaps you chose the first person who showed up at the front door or you changed in order to be chosen.

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And now listen, it's fun today.

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You know, I'm in a long -term relationship with an amazing guy.

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I'm not saying like turn into a nun until you're 30

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but there is a difference between dating being a part of your life

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and dating consuming your life and consuming your time energy identity

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and sense of self -worth

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so after this short break what I want to do is

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explore a nuanced balanced healthy approach to romance in our 20s

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that doesn't eliminate love doesn't eliminate romantic love

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but just decenters it from being the main story we're trying to build for ourselves or tell ourselves.

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Stay with us.

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In my humble opinion I do truly believe

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that romance should not at any stage in your life be

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the main focus of your world except for maybe like on

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your wedding day how I describe it is my relationship

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and the love I feel for my partner is not my whole world it is a separate universe for

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which I step into I get to enjoy

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but I also step out of because you know my world is my world and me and my partner

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our relationship does kind of exist separately from that the moment

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that i'm spending too much time in this other universe

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or the moment that i feel like all my plans and and all my behaviors

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need to be about him or orientated towards him this is like a really good sign to plant my feet

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firmly back into my own inner world and my own inner garden

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so if you want to descend to love in your 20s

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if you want to have the world

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and then have the universe on the side here is what

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you're going to do number one firstly you need to ask

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yourself do I have love to share we need to make

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sure our own cup is filled up first then you need

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to make sure you have enough in your cup to give

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to your loved ones then you need to make sure you

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have enough in your cup to give to the things you care about

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and if there is still something left over then romantic love can be a priority

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this reflects something that we call self -determination theory

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and this theory basically maps the three needs

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that each of us should be fulfilling at any given time the need for relatedness competence

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and autonomy we need relatedness through friendship and community.

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We need competence through learning and creativity and we need autonomy by being able to make our own decisions.

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When we are fulfilling these three things we can be discerning about love

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and we can be discerning and make a conscious balanced choice about what we are choosing to spend our time on.

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If your cup is not overflowing I don't think

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that romantic love is going to make it flow anymore and

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if your cup is not overflowing

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and you want it to be i want to tell you how you can make that

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so how can you give yourself i guess more to give

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more to give yourself more to give others more to give

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your life this is the thing you're going to do you

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are going to pick a misogi challenge now misogi is a japanese term

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that is basically like a shinto ritual where people would take like a sacred pilgrimage to a waterfall.

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It was a way to challenge themselves and then they would like purify themselves under the water.

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That's like the traditional version of a misogi in Japan.

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A modern misogi refers to a significant year -defining challenge

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that we really want to commit to and do

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that requires a lot of focus and devotion on our behalf to this thing.

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So basically it's like a pact

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that you make with a dream you really have to just spend the year giving it your all.

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A Misogi could be writing a book, it could be starting a podcast, running a marathon, launching a company, completing a multi -day hike,

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getting scuba certified, building something.

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And it's basically meant to require deep commitment and dedication from you, the same way you might deeply commit and dedicate yourself to a relationship.

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So many of us live passively, or so many of us focus on dating because it feels like a worthy project. But

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when you have a misogi you are laser focused you have things to do you have this task this goal

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that is deeply personal to you that you really care about

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that nothing can get in the way of this devotion to

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yourself to a practice to realizing a dream it means

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that you really only have space left in your life for the kind of love

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that finds you organically and that adds to your life all these other kinds of love

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that you may find on a dating app or

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that may be fickle

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or may come from people who aren't fully committing you have

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your masogi like you don't have time for those things

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so it allows you in a way to be very discerning

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and to let only good love in

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because you've got this big love here you've got this thing you're really dedicated to it's very similar advice to like

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getting a hobby right it's just on a whole new level

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here's the other thing I think having a devotional practice like a misogi

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or having hobbies having interests that you may have lost in a previous relationship

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or may have lost to your devotion to dating it actually

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makes you a much more magnetic person anyways like what I have found time

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and time again the less you focus on dating the more

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people like suddenly appear in your life who are worthy of

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of your love you can call it the law of detachment you can call it whatever you want to

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but people who are committed to themselves and to doing cool stuff

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because they want to that is so hot people are deeply attracted to

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that and I have found like in the times where I've been devoted to something outside of myself

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and I've been really committed to making something and making something well

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and doing something cool like suddenly you look around it's like

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wait why are there suddenly all these prospects for me like why are there all these people it's

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because that mentorship that you were experiencing

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through that changes how people see you and changes how you relate to yourself and just changes your energy field.

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Like I fully do believe it.

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My next tip for de -centering romance in your 20s is to have a dating detox.

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I know I've spoken about this a few times on the podcast.

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I really don't care.

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It's just so worthwhile to do.

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If you have noticed that dating is taking up a lot of space and energy, have a break.

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I genuinely do believe that the same way you can get burnt out at your job, you can get dating burnout.

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You can feel so deeply exhausted and disillusioned that dating is a chore to you rather than something that gives you energy.

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You are in this position of like, I just want to find somebody so I don't have to do this anymore.

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I just want to finish this task at my job

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so I don't have to worry about it this isn't a job dating isn't a job it is not something

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that your livelihood depends on you can just quit the rat race you can quit the dating rat race

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and just say I don't want to do this for a

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while this is where I think the biggest challenge comes about

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because what you have to fight against is really your milestone anxiety

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and the part of you

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that might say you're never going to find anyone you know

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you can't take a break now the clock is ticking like

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if you don't find somebody soon like it's all going to

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be over for you like come on keep going you're going

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to strike gold like you're going to strike gold soon

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and the thing is is like you're not running out of

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time three months of dating isn't going to kill you six

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months of not being on the apps isn't going to ruin

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your life in fact i think it's probably going to improve your life

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so delete or pause the apps stop maintaining ambiguous connections with random people use

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that free time for sleep for exercise for self -nourishment for plans for work

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and yes you might expect a few restless days

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while your habits adjust but I think it settles after a

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while and you realize like I don't really need this anymore This actually wasn't a worthwhile part of my life, at least not the way that I was approaching it.

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And when you do return, because of course, you know,

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you probably will, I think you'll be able to examine the relationship you have with these online connections

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or with these apps or with people in a much more constructive way.

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After I did my dating detox, like I feel like this is a very famous story on the podcast.

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The first person I matched with after I did my dating detox is now my boyfriend of three years

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but obviously I was still like you know swiping at the same time as

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when I had matched with him

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and I came back from my dating detox with solid rules

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like I had rules for the people I match with I can't remember them exactly but I think it was like

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uh 24 hours to message me after after matching six hours

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to reply one to two weeks to organize a date otherwise

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like I would seriously just unmatch these people anybody who stopped

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replying after like a day unmatched anybody who like wasn't going

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to plan a date unmatched anybody who just like never actually

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messaged me unmatched like their profiles were digital cluttered to me

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it was taking up space in my mind to have them

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like to have them there to have the unanswered message to have the weeks long conversation, just staring at me.

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And when I like put my foot down and was like, how you begin is how you, you know, how you commit to going on.

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So if these people aren't giving me enough at the beginning, I don't have high expectations for them in the future.

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Once I decided that it was so relieving, it was so peaceful.

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It was just, it was just like a nice stoic mindset.

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It was like air.

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It was just like, wow, I can just flow through this rather than getting constantly stuck

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on these people who I thought I had a future with

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what you really have to remember is like your time is

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precious your mindset is precious your environment whether it is offline

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or online is precious

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and none of like nobody who you have not met yet

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who you don't have a deep connection with yet is important enough for you to sacrifice

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that because you don't even know them you know yourself you know

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that you deserve love you don't know if they deserve love yet

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so give that love that you may eventually give to them to yourself until you can prove

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that they are next

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and maybe my favorite tip for decentering romance is to start dating your friends

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and no I don't mean like actually dating your friends what I mean is like start pouring all that time energy,

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love, back into these platonic relationships.

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Apply the same effort you use for dating to your close bonds and close friendships.

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Put reoccurring plans on the calendar.

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Confirm them early in the week.

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Choose venues.

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Get dressed up and actually follow through.

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Make date nights for your friends.

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I wish I did this more right now.

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It's been a little bit chaotic for me with moving to a new country

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and all but I used to host these like elaborate date nights for me

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and my friends like a couple months ago back in the day I would do them all the time

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and it was like themed dinner parties

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and like movie nights with like themed snacks and life drawing nights

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and art nights and really fun like dinner dates

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and you know what

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when I was single those moments were like 99 % of

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the time better than any date I ever went on

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and honestly sometimes I would find myself like on a date with a man

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and being like damn I really wish like my best friend

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was here like I really wish my girlfriends were here like genuinely giving these ties the same love and attention

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that you usually hold for romantic connections just creates such a

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beautiful opportunity for like deep love in a new form at

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the end of the day you know you can find the love of your life tomorrow maybe you will

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but like they will never be enough to sustain you

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if you don't have these other platonic connections at your back

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if you don't have these other people who are gonna show you love

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and you show them love in a really important and healthy way okay my fifth tip is to ask yourself the question,

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if I knew I would find the love of my life in six months, like we just spoke about, what would I do in the time I have from then to now?

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What would I do before I met them?

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And I've spoken about this a few times, but I think this exercise works

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because it really asks you to do away with the concerns of being single

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and just pay attention to what you really want in your life.

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When you aren't distracted by this idea of choosing or being chosen, you know, what is on your single bucket list?

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What skills do you want to learn?

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What emotional wounds do you want to heal?

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What trips do you want to take?

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What health goals do you have?

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Financial targets, time spent with friends, time spent with family, what unfinished goals would you like to achieve as a single

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person I need you to make a single bucket list of experiences

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and milestones that you think might be better as a single as a single person

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that you think would really contribute to your life even

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when there's nobody else with you and even

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when you don't have a partner I want you to at least have 15 things on

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that list I know I feel like a drill sergeant

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but I want results 15 things on your single bucket list

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and now you've got those I want you to choose two of them

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and plan to do something about it this week

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and then after that methodically tick them off and every time you complete two add two more on

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the main point of this question

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if I knew I would meet the love of my life

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in six months what would I do the main point is

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again it takes the worry off the table it's no longer a consideration

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and so all your focus is just on your ambitions

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and your desires and you know what

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if you do want a romantic relationship in the future

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which of course most of us do and that's not the problem here

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but this exercise just encourages you to look at your life

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and genuinely think about the kind of person you would attract

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and you would want to be with based on how you

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are living your current life are you modeling the love

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that you would want to receive back are you modeling the kind of person

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that you would want to fall in love with that's really like a really deep question like

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would you fall in love with you because if the answer is no

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and you wouldn't fall in love with yourself first then like

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there's probably a lot of work you need to do

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because it shows that there is probably like a deficit there in self -esteem self -knowledge in goals and inspiration

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that like another person is never going to do anything about

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they're never going to be able to fix it my final piece of advice

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and this might not be everyone's cup of tea

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but going on from what we were just talking about i

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want you to do everything in your power during this period

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of your life to become utterly obsessed with yourself to the point of arrogance to the point of vanity And I mean it.

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I want you to become obsessed with yourself.

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That is one of the only ways I see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from somebody else.

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And listen, I'm not worried about any of you going too far at all.

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I don't think you're going to end up being these like egotistical maniacs.

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I think if you're listening to a self -help podcast about decentering love, you've probably found yourself really lacking confidence in the past

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or being overwhelmed by dating or feeling really struck by how dating hard is

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and and struck by how terrible you feel

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so going heavy in the opposite direction with this self -obsession

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project I think is going to be a good counterbalance to

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get you somewhere kind of back in the center maybe even further to the right of loving yourself

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and of genuinely thinking

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that you are amazing like I need you to tell yourself

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daily i am a catch somebody would be lucky to have me i am talented i am

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so hot i am

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so smart i am fantastic i need you to be like

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all in on celebrating yourself all in on treating yourself like you are the best person on the planet

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because that's how a partner should make you feel about yourself

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and so if somebody is turned off by you thinking great things about yourself it's

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because they don't think highly enough of you

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and they are intimidated by the fact

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that they can't get away with the bare minimum because you don't like yourself enough to not demand more.

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Being a little bit self -obsessed is the best barrier to

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entry for people who are never going to treat you right

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and it allows you not to de -center love altogether

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but to de -center mediocre love

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because you know you already have a fantastic thing going with you

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and yourself like the relationship you have with yourself is amazing it's the best one you're ever going to have

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so some average person cannot get between the love affair

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that you have with you like they're not worthy of it

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if they don't match if not exceed your self -obsession and your level of love for yourself.

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I really do feel decentering love is such an important decision

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and thing that we should all aim to do whether you're in a relationship or not like during your 20s.

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It really allows you to just ground yourself and like what do I want from my life?

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How much free time would I have?

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How much energy and effort would I have if this wasn't a priority and what could I do at that time?

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You know, when your time and attention are distributed to things that you really care about,

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your whole aura, your whole way of being is just elevated and you just achieve, do, see, believe, love more.

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And I think that's a really great place to be in before you start looking for somebody else to add to that.

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You know, looking for somebody else to maybe fill parts of you

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that you weren't able to fill yourself if nothing else just prove to yourself

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that you can just prove to yourself that yes having somebody might be and is nice

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worst comes to worst you might not need it

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because you really do have like everything you have ever needed to make yourself happy

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and if you don't have everything you've ever needed to make yourself happy your friends definitely do

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and your hobbies definitely do

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and your community definitely does then you can go looking for it in romantic love

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so I hope

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that you have enjoyed this episode I hope you enjoyed the

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discussion hopefully my passion came through on this I know it's ironic

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that like I've been with somebody who's amazing for like three years

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and yet I'm still able to rant about this mainly

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because I know that I would not be with him

452

and I would not have found him if I hadn't gone through this whole process myself.

453

And it's not to say do it so that you can find love.

454

I genuinely really was like so detached from the outcome when I descended love in my 20s,

455

earlier in my 20s, that I really was happy with never finding anyone.

456

And it's, yeah, just kind of surprised me.

457

And my standards were high and they continue to be high.

458

And it just meant that the love fit in perfectly with the life I'd already built

459

and continue to build for myself so i want

460

that for you guys as well

461

and i do really feel like this is a pathway to maybe not find

462

that but to find just find peace find peace

463

and like the chaos of dating if you enjoyed this episode again remember

464

that this episode was also on youtube so if you want to go

465

and subscribe to our channel for future video episodes please feel free to do

466

so make sure that you are following me on instagram at that psychology podcast

467

it's december in like a week i feel like in less than a week

468

so we have our famous 12 days of guest episodes coming every december i just interviewed the coolest people

469

that i've had the opportunity to meet this year

470

and i get to you know bring those conversations to you guys so

471

if you want to be up to date with who we've

472

got coming on the podcast we have a plastic surgeon we

473

have somebody who runs a renaissance fair we have financial consultants

474

we have authors like all these cool people make sure you're following us on instagram

475

and subscribe slash following whatever you are listening right now

476

but until next time stay safe be kind be gentle with yourself and we will talk very very soon

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This speaking lesson is built on the video “How to DECENTRE romance in your 20s!”. This video has 476 sentences and 5957 words to shadow. The speech runs for 35:30. The speaker talks at a natural 168 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 86% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.

Key vocabulary in this video

15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
romantic adjective	/ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/	Fantastic, unrealistic (of an idea etc.); fanciful, sentimental, impractical (of a person).
romance noun	/roʊˈmæn(t)s/	An intimate relationship between two people; a love affair.
podcast noun	/ˈpɑdˌkæst/	A program, especially an audio program, produced on a regular basis, delivered over the Internet in a compressed digital format and designed for playback on…
genuinely adverb	/ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/	In a genuine manner; truthfully, truly.
psychology noun	/saɪˈkɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/	The study of the human mind.
anxiety noun	/æŋˈzaɪ.əti/	An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event.
deeply adverb	/ˈdi(ː)pli/	To a deep extent or degree; very greatly.
friendship noun	/ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/	The condition of being friends.
regret verb	/ɹɪˈɡɹɛt/	To feel sorry about (a thing that has or has not happened), afterthink: to wish that a thing had not happened, that something else had happened instead.
worthy adjective	/ˈwɝ.ði/	Having worth, merit, or value.
consume verb	/kənˈsum/	To use up.
chase verb	/t͡ʃeɪs/	To follow at speed.
priority noun	/pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/	An item's relative importance.
commit verb	/kəˈmɪt/	To give in trust; to put into charge or keeping; to entrust; to consign; used with to or formerly unto.
explore verb	/ɪkˈsploɹ/	To examine or investigate something systematically.

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Word	Meaning
take up verb	To pick up.
break down verb	To stop functioning.
end up verb	To bring to a conclusion.
break up verb	To break or separate into pieces.
come back from verb	To become successful, confident or effective again after an injury, setback, failure, embarrassment, etc.
do away with verb	To abolish; to put an end to; to eliminate.
dress up verb	To put on special or fancy clothes.
fill up verb	To make (something) completely full.

Sentences worth repeating

Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:

What are you excited about?
It's always, so do you have a boyfriend yet?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Do you really want a boyfriend?
Do you really want a girlfriend?

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result	if I knew I would find · if I knew I would meet
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	I've spoken · haven't seen · You've given
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	is based · are taken · are loved
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	someone who will · somebody who might · person who showed

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 105 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, you're, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “th” sounds: worthy /ˈwɝ.ði/, worthwhile /ˌwɜː(ɹ)θˈwaɪl/, marathon /ˈmæɹəθən/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/
The “sh” and “zh” sounds: friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, obsession /əbˈsɛʃən/, devotion /dɪˈvoʊʃən/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/
Long words — get the stress right: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, psychology /saɪˈkɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, priority /pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like romantic, romance, podcast.

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: How to DECENTRE romance in your 20s! - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

Key vocabulary in this video

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Sentences worth repeating

Grammar in this video

Pronunciation to watch

How to practise with this video

What is the Shadowing Technique?