쉐도잉 연습: Why Therapy Sucks For Men - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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Hey y 'all, today we're going to talk about why therapy sucks for men.

And that may sound kind of confusing because here I am a man, here I am a psychiatrist doing psychotherapy with men.

So what on earth am I talking about?

Why do I think therapy sucks for men?

In my experience as a psychiatrist, I do actually believe that there are systemic biases that make it hard for men to engage in therapy.

And today we're going to talk a little bit about what those systemic factors are, how we can understand them,

and even how to overcome some of those factors and move towards more emotional health.

If you're ready to take the next step on your mental health journey, check out Dr. K's guide.

It's an immersive resource that distills over 20 years of my experience laid out in a way

that is tailored to your needs.

So if you're ready to better understand your mind and take control of it, check out the link in the description below.

So we have to start by understanding where this idea

that talk therapy is the gold standard for treating mental illness comes from.

So what we really need to understand is that the majority of patients in the history of psychotherapy have been women.

About 60 to 70 % of patients today who engage in psychotherapy are women.

The other thing is that about 60 to 70 % of therapists today are actually women.

So I think what happened early on in psychiatry or psychotherapy is that the majority of people we were helping were women.

And so when me as a doctor, when I look at 10 of my patients and I see,

okay, so it looks like talking to people about their feelings on average is the most successful thing that I can do.

But even though that's factually correct, I may not be taking into account that seven out of those 10 people are women.

And maybe the people who are getting help to the most with talk therapy or talking about their emotions are actually women.

And it's not just me that says this.

If you actually look at the American Psychological Association's guidance for working with boys and men,

they sort of point out a systemic bias in the way that we diagnose men and women.

And that's a lot of the diagnoses that women get, like depression and anxiety, which by the way,

women are about two to three times as likely to be diagnosed with that stuff.

A lot of those diagnoses have to do with feelings and being able to articulate stuff.

So for example, major depressive disorder involves feeling sad when you're depressed, right?

Makes sense.

And that a lot of men are actually diagnosed with what we call externalizing disorders,

things like addictions or sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder.

So these are disorders that involve behaviors.

So I think they're sort of cluing us in on a really important idea, which is that when men feel something,

they act on it as opposed to articulate it or talk about it.

And if we tunnel down into a little bit about how men deal with their emotions,

we'll kind of see that this is true in general as well.

Because if you're a man, an emotion is a problem to be solved, not something to be talked about, right?

So think about like if you get bullied on the playground

and you feel ashamed of yourself and people call you a fat kid and beat you up, that isn't something you talk about.

In fact, if you go and cry to mommy or cry to the teacher, you're actually treated worse.

You're taught that articulating problems and talking to people is cause for punishment.

Instead, what you're supposed to do if you're a man is fix the problem, right?

So if kids make fun of me for being fat, I'm supposed to lose weight, get ripped, learn martial arts, and the next time they talk,

I'm going to teach them who's boss.

And so if you sort of think about it, the solution to an internal feeling,

feeling ashamed, is to take an action and change the circumstances that make me feel that way.

If I'm feeling ashamed because I don't have a job and I don't have any money, what should I do about that?

Should I go cry to mommy about how I don't have a job or don't have money?

Should I cry to my girlfriend about how I'm broke all the time?

No. If you're a man, you need to man the fuck up.

Go out there, get a job, and start making money.

If you're feeling bad in here, as a man, what we're taught is you're supposed to go fix the problem out there.

And this also manifests in men's reluctance to engage in couples counseling.

So oftentimes, if you're in a relationship, and I'm assuming a heteronormative relationship for a second, and your wife or your girlfriend says,

hey, I think we need to go see a counselor, oftentimes men will be reluctant to engage in that.

And if you actually look at the research for why men are reluctant, what you discover is it's not

that they're trying to put their head in the sand or they're avoiding a problem or anything like that.

They actually feel outgunned in therapy.

They feel like when they go to a couple's counselor, my partner is so much better at understanding and articulating their feelings

that they can sort of make their case better than I can.

And when the therapist tries talking to me, like, I just say, I don't know a lot, or I'm not sure.

Like, I don't know how to, someone's asking me to play basketball, but I don't know how to dribble.

And so what men actually feel like in couples counseling is that they don't know how to effectively communicate.

So imagine a situation where you're like going into a court of law

and there's a judge there and your wife makes her case, right?

She says, hey, Alok is neglectful.

He doesn't appreciate me.

I do so much for him.

And I know he works hard, but he's really short with me sometimes and it really hurts and I feel really underappreciated.

And then as a man, how do I respond to this?

I don't speak the language of emotions and

so as a dude

you're like you don't know how to communicate in the way

that therapists like so men literally feel outgunned to engage in things like couples therapy

and that's because we as men communicate our emotions in a different way

so my favorite example of how men communicate differently is the negative expression of a positive affection.

So when we like someone and we're proud of one of our homies or our bros, we don't say that to them, right?

In fact, what we do is we kind of dog them about it.

If my friend has been single for a while after a bad breakup and starts dating someone else,

and I feel really proud and good about that, I don't say, hey friend, I'm really proud of you.

And I'm proud that you've been able to find someone who sees the lovable qualities within you that I see.

I'm proud that you found someone who treats you the way that I think you deserve to be treated,

who loves you for who you are in the way that I love you for who you are.

In the history of humanity, I do not think that sequence of words has ever been spoken by a single man.

That's not what we say.

What do we say?

We say, bruh, GG, noob, you're whipped.

I guess we'll never see you again.

And we're smiling the whole time.

We're not like, why don't you text me anymore?

I know you haven't been texting me.

I feel hurt.

Instead of what we do is we actually dog on this guy, right?

We're like, we call him whipped and we call him a wuss.

And we call him like, we say all these negative things, right?

Like, oh, where's the apron strings?

We'll say all this like misogynistic crap.

But the whole time we're like expressing appreciation and smiling at him.

So men have this negative expression of a positive affection.

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When we feel good about something, we can't just say that, right?

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Because that's not what we we're taught.

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Instead of what we have to do is we have to insult the person that we're proud of.

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That's not how psychotherapy works, right?

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So if this is my mode of communication, I go see my therapist and my therapist is proud of me.

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They don't say, hey, fucker, you got a job.

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You suck.

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I guess you're not going to be coming to therapy anymore

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because you ain't got this time because you got all this work to do.

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You know, screw you.

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That's not what your therapist says.

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In fact, we're trained to say the opposite.

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So the way that we're trained to speak in therapy is, first of all, don't speak very much, right?

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Don't solve problems.

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Just sit there and listen and ask this person lots of questions that they're going to say I don't know to.

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How do you feel about that?

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How does that make you feel?

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I don't know.

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Well, how does that make you feel?

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I don't know.

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And so then if you're a dude and you go to therapy, you feel like an idiot, right?

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Because they're asking you all these questions.

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You're supposed to know what you feel, but you don't know.

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And that's because of the way that we've been taught about our emotions.

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The last thing to consider is that when it comes to emotional health, men are very physical with it.

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So even if I ask a dude, hey, like, you know, it sounds like you got dumped.

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Tell me a little bit about how you feel.

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The dude may not be able to say, I feel unlovable.

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I'm full of fear that perhaps I won't be able to find a partner.

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I'm afraid that I'm fundamentally broken in some way that precludes me

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and maybe destines me to be alone for the rest of my life.

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That's not what dudes say.

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What dudes say is it felt like she ripped my heart out.

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It felt like she stomped on my balls.

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And if you say that as a dude, the other dudes will know exactly what you mean, right?

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Like we all know like, oh man, like, oh, it's not just ripped your heart out.

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It's also a stomp on the balls.

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I felt that, man.

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The last time I got dumped, I found out my partner was cheating on me.

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Felt like she kicked me in the nuts, dude.

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I know exactly how you feel.

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That's how we talk.

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We're very physical in nature.

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The other thing is if you talk to men about who support each other, right, and they say, if you get dumped,

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what's the first thing you should do?

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Hit the gym, baby.

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And that's where we may assume that this relates to confidence, that if you start working out,

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you get buffed, and you look at yourself in the mirror, and you're like, I'm so sexy.

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But we don't even acknowledge for a moment that there may be a physiological aspect to improve your mood.

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And one of the biggest mistakes

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that I think we've made in the field of psychotherapy is that we've separated out the mind from the body.

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Whereas if you look at modern science, we know that anxiety is not just an emotion.

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It's not just in your mind, that emotions have physical ramifications, that anxiety can induce diarrhea and change the rate of your peristalsis.

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Anxiety activates your sympathetic nervous system and reduces blood flow to places like your stomach

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and increases blood flow to other parts of your body.

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So we know that emotions are actually very physiological in nature.

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So why is it as a society

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that we've kind of gotten on this track of simply talking about them instead of acting physically?

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And a lot of the men that I've worked with, I've sort of noticed that this physical component is way more important than the talking component,

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at least compared to the women that I've worked with.

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Just to give you all a simple example, I find that the men in my office need hugs way more than the women.

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Now, there are a lot of complications to

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that there's a gender dynamic right between me and the woman where maybe the woman doesn't feel as comfortable to hug me.

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Maybe I don't feel as comfortable to hug the woman.

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So I'm not saying that that's like a statement of fact.

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But what I've noticed is that like hugging men, the patients in my office who are dudes,

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leads to like a lot more emotional healing and sometimes tears

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and all this kind of stuff and like more dick jokes after we're done.

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Right.

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So there's something very physical about the way that men deal with their emotions.

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And so if we assume all of this is true.

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What does this mean for you as a dude?

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So I know this sounds kind of weird,

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but the first thing that I'd recommend is that you actually seek psychotherapy if you're struggling in some way.

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And that may sound weird because you said, Dr. K, there's a systemic bias.

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Yeah, but it's still the best evidence -based treatment that we have for dealing with mental illness.

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Medication is just as good, by the way.

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And another thing we need to keep in mind is that there are randomized controlled trials on many types of psychotherapy,

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which show that they are equally effective for men and women.

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So it's not like psychotherapy works.

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It's just that if you're engaging in psychotherapy as a man,

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there may be a couple of things that we can arm you with to really make that psychotherapy really worthwhile.

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So the first recommendation that I have is that you see at least three psychotherapists,

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or at least you see at least three before you give up on therapy.

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If you love the first one, then stick with them.

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And so a lot of psychotherapy is about fit,

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and it may just be hard to find someone who's able to communicate with you in a way that is helpful.

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So a couple of things that I would recommend, some language that you can use if you go to psychotherapy.

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So the first is just simply let your therapist know, hey, I'm not really aware of what I feel all the time,

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and I'm not very good at articulating my feelings.

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Because oftentimes therapists will say, how do you feel?

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And as dudes, we don't know how to answer that.

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So just be transparent with them at the beginning.

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Another thing that I'd recommend is that y 'all check out this idea of normative male alexithymia,

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which is this idea that men are, by default, it's normative.

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So it's like most men are colorblind to their internal emotional state.

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So check out our video on alexithymia if y 'all want to.

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And then you can even tell your therapist that, hey, I'm concerned that I'm a little bit alexithymic.

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So you're signaling to them that you may not be able to participate in therapy in a default way.

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The next thing that you can do is ask your therapist to change their style a little bit

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if it isn't working for you.

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So you can tell them, hey, I've noticed that you're really quiet.

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And then you kind of ask these questions like, how do you feel over and over and over again?

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And then I keep answering, I don't know.

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Can you try to be a little bit more active

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or offer a little bit more guidance instead of being quieter and asking only open -ended questions?

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Can you help me understand stuff or guide me in some way?

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And some therapists may feel really uncomfortable with that.

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They may turn that around into a question, why do you feel like you need more guidance?

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I don't know, because this doesn't seem to be helping very much.

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So you can just ask them to change their style a little bit.

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And the third thing that you can do if number one and number two don't work is after two or three sessions,

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I would just go to them and say, hey, I don't feel like I'm actually getting a whole lot out of this therapy.

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So you seem to be asking certain questions that I have difficulty answering.

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And I'm hoping that you can recommend a different therapist who's a little bit more active,

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can offer a little bit more guidance or asks questions in a way that can help me understand my emotions better.

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And I know that this sounds mortifying.

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Oh my God, as a dude, why would I ever do that?

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As anyone, as any patient, why would I ask to see a different therapist?

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It means that I don't think they're good.

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And it doesn't mean that they're not good.

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It just means that they're not really helping you very much.

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Or at the minimum, you can have a conversation about what's working and what isn't.

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And then hopefully y 'all can work through that stuff.

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So I, as a therapist, actually don't feel, I mean, I feel bad in some ways,

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but I'm really grateful for all of my patients who have come to me and said, hey, Dr. K, this is not working.

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Because then one of two things happen.

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One is either we work on it, and then we actually make a breakthrough of some kind, and now we're really jiving together,

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or I recommend that the person go see someone else.

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And what's my duty as a doctor or someone's duty as a therapist?

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It's to help the person, not help the person myself.

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It means giving that person whatever kind of help they need.

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So oddly enough, I'm still recommending that y 'all try psychotherapy because it is still an evidence -based, very effective approach.

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The other thing to consider, though, is that a lot of emotions live in our body.

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And as men, sometimes we need to do more bodily stuff.

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So there are studies that show that...

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Tai Chi and yoga, for example, are effective treatments for a lot of things like mood disorders or anxiety or things like that.

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So adding a physical component to your emotional health is very, very helpful.

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The other thing to consider is that there's a range of new and kind of in vogue things called somatic therapies.

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So these are therapies that incorporate the body in some way.

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So good examples of this are EMDR or EFT, which is the emotional freeing technique or tapping.

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So when I first encountered these studies about 10 or 15 years ago, and I used to sort of,

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my area of interest was evidence -based complementing alternative medicine, I thought all this stuff was like kind of BS, right?

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So it's like the idea behind tapping is

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that your emotions are stored in your body and that you can tap on certain parts to free emotions.

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And I was like, this doesn't make any sense.

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This is all BS.

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And it turns out that over the last decade or so, there have been some studies that actually show that this is a pretty effective technique.

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We're not really 100 % sure you know, the studies aren't super high quality,

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but there's more and more evidence that stuff that is not classically effective may be effective.

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And specifically that a lot of somatic therapies seem to be gaining a lot of weight and gaining a lot of interest.

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So I encourage y 'all to seek out more bodily oriented kind of evidence -based techniques.

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And the last thing that I just want to share with y 'all is that I've seen that across the globe,

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there's a lot more men's work kind of going on.

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And this isn't psychotherapy, but it's just sort of groups of men will get together

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and will participate in all kinds of either communication or even like some sorts of like physical rituals or like taking hikes.

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There's sort of this very like physical component to their emotional health, which they all sort of get together and do.

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So I can't speak to specific things like that.

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I'm just sort of pointing that out as a trend.

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So at the end of the day, I know it sounds kind of weird,

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but I do think that therapy sucks for men for a lot of reasons.

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Some of that has to do with the way that we're raised.

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Some of that has to do with the way that psychotherapy was developed.

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And so as men, we sort of really need to think a little bit about how can I become emotionally healthy?

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So I definitely give therapy a shot, but go in with some of these disclaimers in mind.

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Go in understanding that you may not be perfectly suited to this, that you're stepping onto the basketball court,

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but you don't necessarily know how to dribble.

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And so just recognize that and ask your therapist for help.

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And the second thing to consider is that especially as men, a lot of our emotions live in our bodies.

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We may need to leverage our bodies or do some kind of bodily work to really help us achieve emotional health.

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이 레슨의 어휘와 말하기 포인트

이 말하기 레슨은 영상 “Why Therapy Sucks For Men”을(를) 바탕으로 합니다. 가장 자주 반복되는 단어는 다음과 같습니다: psychotherapy, therapist, emotion, therapy. 이 영상에는 섀도잉할 문장 269개와 단어 3650개가 있습니다. 말하는 구간의 길이는 17:29입니다. 화자는 분당 약 209단어로 빠르게 말하므로 연음과 약하게 발음되는 소리가 많습니다. 단어의 85%가 영어에서 가장 많이 쓰이는 3,000단어에 속합니다. 나머지는 연습 전에 미리 확인해 두세요.

이 영상의 핵심 어휘

영상에 나오는 익혀 둘 만한 단어 15개를 발음, 뜻과 함께 정리했습니다.

단어	발음	뜻
therapist 명사	/ˈθɛɹəpɪst/	치료사, 세라피스트
emotion 명사	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	감정
anxiety 명사	/æŋˈzaɪ.əti/	걱정, 불안
disorder 명사	/dɪsˈɔɹdɚ/	혼란
suck 동사	/sʌk/	빨다
component 명사	/kəmˈpoʊ.nənt/	부분
bias 명사	/ˈbaɪ.əs/	편견
bodily 형용사	/ˈbɑdɪli/	신체적
technique 명사	/tɛkˈniːk/	기술
mood 명사	/muːd/	기분
participate 동사	/pɑːˈtɪs.ɪ.peɪt/	참가하다
solve 동사	/sɒlv/	해결하다
illness 명사	/ˈɪl.nəs/	질병, 병
default 명사	/dɪˈfɔlt/	디폴트
diagnosis 명사	/daɪəɡˈnəʊsɪs/	진단

영상에 나오는 구동사

단어	뜻
get together 동사	만나다
go out 동사	나가다
point out 동사	가리키다

따라 말해 볼 만한 문장

영상에 나오는 짧고 완결된 문장으로, 일상 대화에서 그대로 쓸 수 있습니다:

Why do I think therapy sucks for men?
We're not like, why don't you text me anymore?
How do you feel about that?
How does that make you feel?
What does this mean for you as a dude?

이 영상의 문법

화자가 가장 많이 쓰는 문형을 영상 속 실제 표현과 함께 정리했습니다.

문형	영상 속 표현
현재완료 have/has + 과거분사 — 과거의 일이 지금도 관련이 있을 때	have been · has been · you've been
수동태 be + 과거분사 — 누가 하는지보다 무슨 일이 일어나는지에 초점	is tailored · be diagnosed · are actually diagnosed
관계절 who / which + 절 — 사람이나 사물에 대한 추가 정보	people who are · idea, which is · someone who sees

주의할 발음

화자는 don't, you're, I'm 같은 축약형과 약화된 형태를 133번 사용합니다. 들리는 대로 짧게 발음하세요.

“th” 소리: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, breakthrough /ˈbɹeɪk.θɹuː/, sympathetic /ˌsɪm.pəˈθɛt.ɪk/, worthwhile /ˌwɜː(ɹ)θˈwaɪl/, psychotherapy /ˌsaɪkoʊˈθɛɹəpi/
“sh”와 “zh” 소리: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, ashamed /əˈʃeɪmd/, affection /əˈfɛk.ʃən/, punishment /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/, medication /mɛdɪˈkeɪʃən/
긴 단어 — 강세 위치에 주의: anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, articulate /ɑːɹˈtɪk.jə.leɪt/, participate /pɑːˈtɪs.ɪ.peɪt/, psychiatrist /ˌsaɪˈkaɪ.ə.tɹɪst/

한국어 화자가 어려워하는 소리:

/f/ — ㅍ(/p/)으로 바꾸지 말고 윗니를 아랫입술에 대기: helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/, default /dɪˈfɔlt/, affection /əˈfɛk.ʃən/, physiological /ˌfɪz.i.əˈlɑ.d͡ʒɪ.kəl/, grateful /ˈɡɹeɪtf(ə)l/
/v/ — ㅂ(/b/)과 구별하기: solve /sɒlv/, involve /ɪnˈvɑlv/, discover /dɪˈskʌvə/, overcome /ˌəʊ.vəˈkʌm/, leverage /ˈlɛv.(ə.)ɹɪd͡ʒ/
/z/ — ㅈ이 아니라 성대를 울리는 /s/: anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, physiological /ˌfɪz.i.əˈlɑ.d͡ʒɪ.kəl/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, resource /ɹɪˈzɔːs/, physically /ˈfɪz.ɪ.kli/

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먼저 말하지 않고 영상을 끝까지 듣고 모르는 단어를 적어 둡니다.
0.75배속으로 한 문장씩 섀도잉을 시작하고, 익숙해지면 보통 속도로 돌아갑니다.
자신의 목소리를 녹음해 원본과 비교하고, therapist, emotion, anxiety 같은 단어에 특히 주의합니다.

쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법

쉐도잉(Shadowing)은 원래 전문 통역사 훈련을 위해 개발된 언어 학습 기법으로, 다언어 학자인 Dr. Alexander Arguelles에 의해 대중화된 방법입니다. 핵심 원리는 간단하지만 매우 강력합니다: 원어민의 영어를 들으면서 1~2초의 짧은 지연으로 즉시 소리 내어 따라 말하는 것——마치 '그림자(shadow)'처럼 화자를 따라가는 것입니다. 문법 공부나 수동적인 청취와 달리, 쉐도잉은 뇌와 입 근육이 동시에 실시간으로 영어를 처리하고 재현하도록 훈련합니다. 연구에 따르면 이 방법은 발음 정확도, 억양, 리듬, 연음, 청취력, 말하기 유창성을 크게 향상시킵니다. IELTS 스피킹 준비와 자연스러운 영어 소통을 원하는 분들에게 특히 효과적입니다.

섀도잉 방법: 단계별 전체 가이드 읽기 →

쉐도잉 연습: Why Therapy Sucks For Men - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법