Shadowing Practice: They Chose Her Husband From a Photo - Learn English Speaking with Video
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When he came home, he put the music on really loud, and I knew instinctively something was gonna happen.
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And then he just told me, he said, if no one else, I mean, if he couldn't have me, no one else could have me either.
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Then he just proceeded to strangle me, and he got me on the bed and proceeded to rape me.
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And so my dad had come upstairs alone, and I told my dad, I said, dad, I said, he just had, he strangled me and he had raped me.
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And my dad basically said, he's your husband.
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He has every right to do that to you.
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From a very early age, like we knew that one day we would get married.
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Like we heard about arranged marriages, that this is like what happens to most Indian girls, if not all Indian girls.
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And then so we knew our place.
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So when we saw these Bollywood movies and what happened to girls and that this was our tradition and culture.
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And then also like listening to my mom telling us or
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when guests would come over and they would gossip
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and talk about like that their 14 year old child was engaged to
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so and so from India or to the boy who was Indian but in England.
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Like I just knew that it was a matter of time.
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Like if my friends were getting engaged, it was a matter of time.
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And then out of the blue, all of a sudden, like one day, the same thing happened to me.
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A man came over and he was a family friend.
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This man, I remember he was downstairs and he brought a picture over.
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I brought him the tea and everything.
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And then him and my mom were looking at this picture and they were whispering.
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And then I knew that they were like talking about me because they were like looking over at me.
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After a little while, my mom brought the picture to me and said, what do you think?
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This is a good looking boy.
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He's very good looking.
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He's very handsome.
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And he's very well educated.
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What do you think?
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So I had like no clue this was about to happen.
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I didn't know what was happening.
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So I just like was looking at this picture and I didn't know like this is like someone I had to marry.
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So I just said, he's okay.
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And I don't think I put two and two together properly.
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And so basically by my saying he was okay, which I really couldn't say anything else, I don't think at that time.
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This is like how I got engaged.
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It's like being shown this picture and it was the first picture I was like shown.
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I wasn't like shown five different pictures.
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So since I've been here in San Diego and I've talked to other people since then, some of my Hindu friends have told me that when they have their arranged marriages,
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they were shown pictures like maybe five to seven pictures, even ten pictures.
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and they could choose.
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And that wasn't like my situation back in Bradford.
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I was shown the first picture and really my upbringing, like I really couldn't say anything.
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So I, you know, so two weeks later, the boy came over from India.
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When did you connect that that picture was, I'm gonna bring someone to her, like was that person?
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Did you know what being engaged meant?
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I think like I didn't really, it didn't all click.
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All I knew was that he was gonna try and find someone for me, but I think it was too quick for me.
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When I just saw that picture, it wasn't discussed that this is what was happening.
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So obviously, it all probably clicked later.
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And so many things clicked even years later that could have probably clicked earlier, but I just didn't know.
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I didn't know, for instance, I was engaged, and I think I only realized that years later.
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But obviously, I realized that was a boy I was gonna marry, but I didn't know it was really engagement.
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So I don't know like why all that didn't click till later on.
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Maybe because I was 14, maybe because I wasn't expecting it.
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I really don't know.
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So yeah, so this is basically how it happened to me.
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And so I had said yes.
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And then so basically he was a matchmaker who found the boy that he knew from the Punjab in India.
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And then two weeks later, the boy came over from India to England.
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and then it was set up to for the meeting to happen at my uncle's house.
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My uncle lived like a 10 minute walk away from us.
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That's my mom's brother.
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And I was told basically on that day by my mom, like how to behave, that I was just supposed to say only hello to the boy.
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So I call him the boy, even though he was four years older than me.
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So I was told like basically only to say hello to him and that were to pose for pictures.
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And I'm supposed to like just smile
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and I don't need to look at him or say anything to him again after that.
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And so when we got to my uncle's house, that was basically what happened.
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I looked at him and I said hello to him and he said hello.
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And then we sat next to each other.
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And then his brother came from Birmingham, which was about two hours away from Bradford.
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His brother lived in Birmingham and he had just probably got married maybe a year or two years earlier.
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So his wife was with him.
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And so they both basically came up behind us and put their arms around our shoulders.
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And we posed for pictures together with them as though we were one happy family.
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But I didn't know them and I didn't know him.
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But yet I was supposed to like pose for these pictures as though I'm happy or I'm part of their family.
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So I didn't, like I said, none of us really clicked.
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I just did as I was told.
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And meanwhile, all the rest of my family, like there was a big gathering because I have a lot of family in England
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and they're all having like chai and samosas and Indian sweets and other snacks.
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And I could just like hear people like being happy and talking, but you know, I didn't like really know what was going on and just did as I was told.
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And that was like my engagement party.
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And again, I didn't realize till years later that that was my actual engagement party.
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When did you realize, oh, this is the person I'm engaged to and I'm going to marry them?
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I think it did probably click at that time, two weeks later, that I was going to get married to him.
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Maybe not so much when I was looking at the picture two weeks before, but I think at that time it clicked, but it didn't click that it was like the engagement party.
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Because again, nothing was described to me.
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Oh, you're getting engaged today.
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You know, this basically is your engagement.
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Like nothing was ever like described to me.
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You know, like, so I had to, like, guess or let my mind wander.
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But, like, I was never told anything.
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And so, so basically, yeah, we were engaged that way.
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And then that was, after that meeting, he went back to Birmingham, where I think he was, like, there for a couple of weeks with his brother.
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And then he went back to India.
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Can you talk about your actual wedding day and what you remember about that?
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Yes, so I'll probably just go into the lead way of like the actual wedding at 14.
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So basically what happened after the engagement party is that a year later we went to India for, we were told it was a holiday.
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And so it was on a six weeks break from school.
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I think I was about 15 at that time when we went to India and it was six weeks.
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And India was like just so completely different.
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In the beginning, we really hated it.
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Me, my brother and two sisters, we really hated it.
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It was so completely different.
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All the flies, and it was just like very, very different.
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And we went to the Punjab, and there was sometimes the electricity went out.
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There was no TV that you could always watch.
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We slept outside.
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And I mean, not really wanting to complain about it, because like after two weeks, we began to really like a lot of the aspects,
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like how people would just gather together and life was simple, but you could still be like very happy just talking to people.
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And, you know, it was a very simple life.
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And then there, there was like people who would just come and do everything for you.
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Like you couldn't like really raise a finger there to like, we didn't have to get up and wash the dishes there.
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Like people would just do that because they had people there, like servants, which, you know, I wouldn't say it's a good thing, but that's like how it is.
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But then after a couple of weeks, we had to go to the boys' village.
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And I didn't even know that this was, like, you know, going to happen.
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And again, like, when we went to his village, it was another engagement party that I found out really quickly.
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It was another engagement party because, again, I had to pose for pictures.
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I just still said only hello to him and bye when we were leaving.
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And nothing else, like, no other words like i didn't sit alone with him
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or talk to him or anything because again that couldn't happen
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and i met his parents who didn't come to england for
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that other engagement party so this was my way to meet them
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and the rest of the family and then those you know lunch
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that was served there and so we were the guests of honor
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and they were obviously very happy and um so anyway
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that was another engagement party which i didn't realize till like years later
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and then it was also my mom's opportunity to buy the jewelry for my wedding
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and to buy clothes as well like saris and things like
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that and then also my brother who's a year
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and a half older um he also got his arranged marriage
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um it happened like well the picture for instance like he
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saw the the picture of the person he was going to marry who also lived in the punjab
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and he got to like meet her
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but again same type of meeting as like mine where um he really didn't get to talk to her
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and he actually said no he didn't want to get married
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but it didn't matter you know so he actually spoke up
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but it didn't matter like he was again just showing
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that one picture and he you know he was engaged to from
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that trip to india so my marriage was going to happen first even though he's a year
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and a half older than me i had to get married first
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and so basically
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that trip i realized later on it wasn't really a holiday
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it was like a business trip you know the business of arranged marriage.
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That's what my mom really went primarily for.
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I'm not saying that we didn't like have a holiday.
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We had a little trip to the Taj Mahal in Agra
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and that was nice and we went to shimla for two days
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which was up in the himalayas and that was beautiful
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so i'm really grateful for that experience
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but the rest of it i think was really just to get like all the things done for the wedding
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and then the next time you were in india was
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that the wedding no so i got married in denmark
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so basically what happened was
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when i got back from india uh we were there first like six weeks
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and then I was still only like 15
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so the years kind of like went by
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and I realized as I was getting closer to the age
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of 18 I didn't want to get married to him
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and I used to read romance books right
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so after I would do all my chores um making like all the dinner
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and washing the dishes
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and helping in the shop then I got like a job
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um from an Indian restaurant owner he would come in and he he would see that we had made samosas.
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And then before I knew it, I had this job of making samosas for him.
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And my mom fortunately gave me the money, but basically about two or three times a week, I had to make 200 samosas and I got the money.
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But I would read romance book, Mills and Boone books, and I would get lost in the romance, right?
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And I would want what was happening in those stories to meet somebody.
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And so I think I started reading those romance books from a very early age, But as those years were going by, I think I realized more.
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Maybe my mind was maturing, and I thought, no, this is what I want.
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I don't want to admire this stranger, because I didn't really know him.
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I'd had a few phone calls with him where we spoke very brief words, and I didn't really want to talk to him, because I didn't know him, and I really had nothing to say to him,
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so it was really awkward, and I passed the phone to my mom.
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So really, I didn't really say that many words to him before my wedding.
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I didn't know him at all.
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When I was like 17, I told my mom that I don't want to get married and I want to go to college.
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And then when I told my mom, I don't know why she even let me go for the interview, but when I told her and I got accepted to it, it would mean taking a train to get to Leeds or staying in Leeds,
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which that was like a no-no because if I stayed there, then my mom wouldn't know like what I was doing or what I was up to.
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And God forbid if I got up to things.
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So my mom said, no, you know, you don't need to go to college.
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You know, you're getting married when you're 18.
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So I wasn't allowed to go to college.
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And that kind of like really hurt.
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And so since I left school at like an early age, back then in England, you could leave like at 16, 16 and a half.
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And you could do two more years of college at school
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or else you could go to a regular college but since I had left Bradford and we moved to Hull, then my options were either going to college in Hull,
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which again, my mom didn't want me to go.
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The only thing I could do now was to run away as soon as I turned 18.
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I just knew what I had to do.
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So as soon as I turned 18, I knew it would happen very soon after that.
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I went to like the bus station.
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And so I bought a bus ticket to London,
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And then I went into a taxi cab station at the office and I told them in person, I said, please on this day,
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the same day as like the coach ticket to London, can you come to my shop?
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But you can't come inside the shop because, you know, this is like a secret thing.
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If you come in, you know, I'll be put in danger.
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I just explained it briefly.
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If you just park outside and I'll come outside at this time
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and please don't come inside and so I was really scared
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that day and I had my bags all packed
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and I went down those stairs like really carefully because I knew like if my dad saw me or
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anybody saw me I'd be in trouble
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and I wouldn't be able to get away
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and I managed to get down those stairs and into
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that taxi and my heart was like beating really really fast
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and I was driven to the coach station I got on
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that coach and then same thing my heart was beating
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so fast I was so nervous
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and I thought are they following me did my dad see
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like once I got in the taxi did did a customer from the shop tell my dad
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that I just saw your daughter go into the taxi so I was so scared
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and um my heart was like racing
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and I was like thinking what am I gonna do did
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I do the right thing should I not have done this
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and I was so nervous
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and I felt like tears come to my eyes like just thinking
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that I'm doing the wrong thing I'm gonna hurt my mom I'm gonna hurt my dad
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and I really kind of like wanted to rewind time back
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so I hadn't run away but anyway now I was on this bus
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and then when I got to London like five hours later I got out of the bus
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and I just uh walked around and London felt so different
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and so strange so completely different and I got a taxi
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and I asked the taxi driver to take me somewhere you know like a cheap bed and breakfast
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and he recommended a place to me he took me there
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I was in London for about two months first I stayed in bed
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and breakfast and that was kind of expensive you know i soon went through about five thousand dollars
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or something that i had saved up from the youth training scheme and from making the samosas
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so i also had a part-time job too
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because i knew like the money wasn't going to last and
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so i was paying for that bed and breakfast
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and then after a couple of weeks i moved to like a room in a house
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and so I was paying a little bit less.
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At first I didn't make the call home
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but then after about two months I got homesick and I made a huge mistake.
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I made that call home just to see if my mom was okay
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and just to say hello to her and I shouldn't have made the call but when I did
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I was tricked into going back home.
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There's two phone calls.
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The first one my mom was like
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so disappointed like with me I could hear that she she wasn't excited to hear from me.
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She basically was just like really mad with me and um
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so i think like i hung up the phone a little bit after
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that but then i called back again and um i shouldn't have called back
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and i think by then i don't know
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if i had given my mom like the chance to come up with something
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but basically what happened was on
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that second phone call was i was told my grandma was really ill
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and i thought like it was my fault
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that i had made my grandma ill i was really close to my grandma
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and so i you know felt very good And so I agreed to go back home.
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And my mom sent someone to come and get me from London.
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It was like I wasn't trusted to go home alone.
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And so my auntie came, another auntie, and I went back on the train with her.
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Long story short, basically I got home.
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My grandma wasn't ill.
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It was just a trick to get me back to coming home.
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My grandma was perfectly well.
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The guilt and pressure were put on me to marry the boy.
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And my mom was very unhappy with me.
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I could see that something had happened within her that now she had...
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Even though we've never really been completely close, I feel like now she was really disappointed with me.
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And this guilt and pressure were put on me.
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And I was told, how can I do this to him?
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How can I do this to his brother?
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What about all the other people?
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What are they going to say?
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Like when I tried to put my foot down and say no to the wedding,
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then finally I couldn't do anything because I knew they were all watching me in case I tried to run away again.
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So I thought, okay, if I give in, I was told that the wedding was going to happen in Denmark where the matchmaker's daughter lived.
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And because the boy had already been to England one time, like I said, all this guilt and pressure put on me.
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So in the end, I decided that, okay, maybe since it's going to be Denmark, maybe I'll say yes, because now I only have to get away from one person,
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from him, the person I was going to get married to.
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The rest of my family will be in England.
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It will be a lot easier for me because like now here in England, I'm surrounded by family and I can't do anything.
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I can't run away again.
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But there, I only have to get away from one person.
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It doesn't make sense now when I think about it.
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And I'm sure it doesn't make sense to anybody.
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But back then, I was 18, still basically a child, you know, really.
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And but that's what I chose to do.
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And it was my own fault.
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I said yes.
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But I knew I would get away from him even before the marriage took place.
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So anyway, then me and my mom went on the plane to Denmark.
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and I remember on the trip over, she told me that she was very disappointed with me.
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So here I am, given in to the marriage, not that I wanted to, still do it.
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I gave in to make her happy and yet she's still not happy
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and telling me on the way to Denmark
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that she's still very disappointed in me and things will never be the same
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and she'll never look at me again like the daughter that I was and how did I do this to her.
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Out of all her children, she never thought I would be the one to do this.
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The preparations for a wedding were coming up.
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There was like parties going on and things like that.
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Because, you know, Indian weddings can last like four or five days.
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And then I remember girls like coming over and there'd be Mendy, you know, like they put the henna on the hand and then music and snacks and things like that.
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And everybody was happy and giggling.
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And I just felt like, why are they all happy?
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And it seemed like no one noticed that I was not happy.
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They didn't seem to care.
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Nobody asked, like, are you happy to get married to him?
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Anyway, then the wedding day happened
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and same thing like I have like blocked out a lot of details
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but um I remember like the ceremony
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but not exactly what I wore I knew I wore red
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and gold but I can't remember if I wore like the sari a linga
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which is a long skirt and a top or
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if I wore a sulwa kameez
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which is a Punjabi style outfit I just remember I was wearing red and gold
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because I think I blocked it out I didn't want to
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remember the details all I remember is there was a reception afterwards dancing and everything and then I remember
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that night and then being with him.
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And I know from Bollywood movies, like how the parents or the mum rather, and sometimes sister or sister-in-law,
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they stay out the door and they listen to see if like anything's happening.
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And I kind of like felt like my mom and that matchmaker's daughter were outside the bedroom door listening.
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And I felt like also that I had to go ahead with this because now I was married to him.
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And it all didn't make sense, but I did what I was expected of me that night and I was like a virgin till that night.
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So anyway, that was like what happened on the wedding night.
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And I think they were outside the door and then we went on honeymoon.
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And again, I felt like the honeymoon was all an act as well.
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Like my mom asked me where I wanted to go and I chose Italy, Rome and Venice.
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And we went there.
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And then when we got to a hotel in Venice, I remember there was two beds
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and I told him I would sleep on a separate bed
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and even though I had already been with him but like I Decided now I didn't want to write.
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I don't know why I did maybe because my mom
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and The matchmaker's daughter was outside the bedroom door
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But now in Italy on our own and there's two beds I could have gone to the lobby and complained, but why would I want to do that?
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I didn't even want to be with him.
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I didn't even want to be married to him So I didn't complain.
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And then I told him, I said, you know, really, we should probably sleep separately till we begin to like know each other.
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And he begrudgingly kind of like agreed.
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But I don't think he was very happy about that.
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And so we slept separately on our honeymoon in Venice.
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It was a couple of nights when we were there
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and the same thing in Rome as well when we went to Rome.
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And then when we got back to Denmark, we had a studio that my mum had like arranged just before she went back to England.
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She put the deposit down and we got back to Denmark.
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And same thing, I told him I was going to sleep separate from him.
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He wasn't happy about that.
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And I think I told you my mom went back to England.
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So it was just me and him.
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We had moved out of the apartment with the matchmaker's daughter as soon as we came back from honeymoon.
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And then about two weeks afterwards, I told him, two weeks after the wedding, basically, I told him I wanted to get a divorce.
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He was not happy with that.
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and he called my mom behind my back.
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I knew that he called because he told me afterwards.
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And about six weeks later, my dad showed up in Denmark and he tried to talk me into staying with him, giving him a chance, you know,
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and I told him, no, dad, we're completely different.
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He was very controlling, so I told my dad that we're very different, I don't want to be with him, and my dad was very upset and he knew I wasn't going to change my mind.
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I don't know how he knew, but he knew.
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So he went to a pub.
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My dad was kind of like a...
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He would often go to pubs in England and stay out all night.
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And so whenever he went anywhere, he would look for the bar.
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And so my husband went with him to a bar.
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And then about an hour later or something, my husband came back alone.
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And apparently, because when he came home, he put the music on really loud.
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And I knew instinctively something was going to happen because we were on the top floor in this building in Copenhagen.
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And there was about literally 100 steps, and you would open the door and then go down the hallway.
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And ours was the last, like, studio apartment on the right.
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And I just knew, like, that something was going to happen.
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Like, he had the music on really loud, and I knew, like, there'd be very little chance of anyone hearing.
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And so he put the music on loud, and then he just told me, He said if no one else, I mean, if he couldn't have me, no one else could have me either.
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And then he just proceeded to strangle me.
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And he got me on the bed and proceeded to rape me.
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And I just knew.
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I don't know how I knew.
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But I knew that if I didn't act very fast,
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that my life could be in danger that night because just him strangling me and what he was doing.
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So I basically I said to him, I said, I'm really sorry.
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I've been a really bad wife and I'm really I'm sorry.
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I'm already like getting kind of like I can I can feel it.
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But I told him I said, I've been a really bad wife and I am going to be so much better.
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You know, please forgive me.
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I should never have done this.
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You know, now I'll be very different.
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And he told me like, well, he relaxed his hands on my neck and he still proceeded to have his way with me.
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So anyway, after it was done, he went to the bar to get my dad and told me he'd been back.
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And I sat on the bed just getting myself together.
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And I knew as soon as they got back, I was going to tell my dad what happened.
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And so then when my dad came back, actually my dad came alone because my husband had gone to the shop
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or something to get some milk and so my dad had come upstairs alone
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and i told my dad i said dad i said he just had he strangled me
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and he had raped me
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and my dad basically said he's your husband he has every right to do
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that to you and so i was so shocked
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because this is my own dad the only person who was my family member in the strange country
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and he did not want to help his own daughters
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so i knew that night i had to get away from him
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and from the evil monster husband who had done this to me and so
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what i asked them if they wanted tea and this is
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when my husband got back i asked if they wanted tea
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and they said yes
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so i went out on the other side of our studio apartment was a kitchen
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and i put the water on and i don't know how
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but like i managed to go back into the studio apartment grabbed my bag quickly they could have seen me
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but i took that chance i grabbed the bag i went down
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that hallway really really carefully softly and i made it through
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that door and down those hundred steps
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and again for the second time in my life i was running away
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and again i felt that fear that they would come after me
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and i made it down and i saw a taxi
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and i went to a friend's house
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and that's how i got away from him
406
and um i stayed at the friend's house
407
and then i did file a police report about the the rape
408
and uh that was all looked into and i filed for divorce
409
and the divorce took a while
410
and then a couple of weeks later i went with people from burger king who helped me
411
and they went to the apartment to get my things
412
and at that time i felt like these people were more of my family looking after me
413
so i wouldn't get hurt from my husband in case he was there
414
and i can never like really fully describe how
415
that means to me that some straight well not really strangers
416
but people who are not even families can sometimes care more about you
417
and your own safety than your own family and um so
418
that was like big for me and we went to the apartment
419
and unfortunately he had damaged all the walls he had scraped the walls
420
so i wouldn't get the deposit back
421
that my mom had paid he took all my things including the letter from buckingham palace
422
which i prized and other things
423
that you know my o-level certificates from school you know
424
that i had passed like my exams and everything like
425
that the things that were precious to me the new clothes
426
that my mom had bought me including leather pants leather jacket
427
jewelry he took all those things left a very few things behind
428
and so anyway i got the things and i stayed with
429
that friend and um i stayed in denmark for another year
430
and eventually i went to australia and spent a year in australia and then i moved to America.
431
You talked to your family at all after you left that last time?
432
I did and my mom like she would try to convince me to give him another chance and even
433
when I told her what happened she didn't seem to care
434
it was like he's your husband you know you need to
435
give him a chance you know you're married to him and
436
so it seemed like she was very cold
437
and didn't really care about what happened to me
438
when I told her that he's stolen my jewelry and clothes she didn't seem to care about that either
439
and so I had a couple of conversations with her and
440
when she realized
441
that I was not going to change my mind she stopped like really uh answering the calls
442
and so I stopped calling and then I was basically disowned
443
so for about a year and a half I didn't talk to my family
444
and that's when I was uh in Denmark for that whole time
445
and then plus Australia and
446
so yeah I um didn't see my family for a long time
447
and then over the years I have had a relationship again with my family um where you know,
448
even from Australia, I called or I wrote and then they've come to San Diego to visit me.
449
I've been back to England.
450
But basically what happened was in 2019,
451
I finally decided to volunteer to speak up about my story because going back actually 2010,
452
when I finally put myself through college and I graduated from San Diego State University at the age of 40.
453
I finally put myself through.
454
I tried for a very long time, like all the way from when I was in Washington DC, where I moved after New York.
455
I stayed in Washington DC for seven years and then I moved to San Diego in 1998.
456
And so I tried to put myself through college, but I had kids and it's very, very hard.
457
Once you're older and you have a full-time job
458
and you have kids like it's not easy like studying part-time
459
and working full-time and so now I always tell my kids
460
because I have three kids now
461
and I tell them first you know you go to school
462
and then college and then marriage afterwards so I've learned you know
463
and I try and like teach them these lessons of like what I've gone through but basically
464
when I was in San Diego State University a teacher once
465
asked us like why are you in college at this time in your life
466
and that's when I told them that I wanted to go to college
467
but my mom didn't let me because she wanted me to get an arranged marriage
468
and I saw the look of shock on the students faces.
469
I didn't do this deliberately.
470
I was one of the older students in the class
471
and they were shocked and my teacher was shocked
472
and he said the next class I had to expand on my story
473
and I was so nervous because I didn't like public speaking at all.
474
I used to get like really frozen up and And so I was really scared.
475
And so the next class, I actually talked about it.
476
And I didn't tell the whole story like what I am today.
477
But I talked for about five, six minutes.
478
And afterwards, they all told me, oh, my gosh, thank you so much for making us aware of this.
479
We had no idea.
480
And then I think I realized back in 2010 that this was something very strange, that people here in San Diego didn't know that this happened.
481
But yet everybody in Bradford or in England knows
482
that these arranged marriages happen and girls are denied their rights to an education.
483
And I felt how come people don't know?
484
And so I think like that's when I started on social media in the beginning.
485
Like first, I wanted to be a, you know, home based travel agent because maybe because my love of travel, working for that travel agency.
486
And so that's what I did.
487
I think I'm a bit of an entrepreneur at heart, maybe having that shop in England and my parents had a shop.
488
And so I decided for about a year to try that.
489
And so I was doing that.
490
And then I think I was trying to promote my home-based travel agency in the beginning on social media.
491
But I kind of slowly ventured into, like, looking for, like, different things about child marriage and forced marriage.
492
And back then, people were not really talking that much about it.
493
Very, very few people.
494
And so I started to join in those conversations
495
and I started to tell my own story and I saw other stories of very few people who were talking about it, but their stories were just like my story.
496
It happened to them when they were 14.
497
And so my heart broke by listening to their stories because I thought it was just like my story.
498
And I felt their pain as it was my own pain.
499
And so since then, I've been on social media talking about forced marriage and child marriage since 2010.
500
And it was 2019
501
when I finally got the courage to volunteer for a South Asian organization who encourages people to tell their stories.
502
So I volunteered.
503
And back then, people still were not talking about arranged marriages.
504
So I think my story was a shock to people.
505
And I practiced and practiced and practiced because they helped us, like, practice for this.
506
and told my story at the University of San Diego back in 2019 to an audience of, I don't know how many there were, like maybe 200 people.
507
And by that time, I don't think I was that nervous because I had practiced so much.
508
And so many people came up to me, Indian people, and told me that they had experienced a little bit of what I experienced.
509
Like women came up to me and told me and I knew then it was like really important.
510
So I tried to like since then volunteer to do like public speaking or tell my story wherever I can.
511
And then it was then that my mom, I think she finally saw on Facebook some of my posts because I guess I wasn't too smart.
512
And she realized that I was talking about my own story.
513
And then she disowned me back in 2019.
514
But I was still talking to the rest of my family.
515
But then I was also working on my book at that time.
516
and I got like a little bit held back with my book because of this public speaking.
517
And then finally, when during the pandemic, I finished my book.
518
And so I wrote my book finally and it's forced to marry him.
519
And I have also won three different awards, as you'll see on the book cover.
520
And so my book is on Amazon and it's in paperback, ebook and audiobook.
521
But anyways, when I released this book in November 2021 is when the rest of my family also disowned me, my brother and my two sisters.
522
Unfortunately, even though this happened to my brother
523
and even though it happened to one of my sisters who was a year and a half year, year and a half younger than me, it happened to her too.
524
And so they know what I'm saying is true
525
and yet they said I'm lying and I just don't understand this
526
and I don't know if it's because they live at home in England
527
and they just have to support my mum but also this is a very difficult thing to do.
528
Nobody wants to do this.
529
You don't want to talk out about your parents
530
and a lot of people don't do this like from my culture
531
because then you get disowned and so people either wait till their family passes away
532
which i could have done that
533
but do i want to wait till i'm 80 years old to tell my story
534
because i think when i finally realized like back in 2010 i realized
535
that this was something that i had to share with the world
536
because if i can help one other person to not go through what i went through it's all worth it
537
and i think i started taking all these steps and every time I realized from people's like comments that this really helps.
538
And a lot of people said to me, are you going to write a book?
539
So I first thought I couldn't do it because I had no time.
540
I was working full time.
541
And then I saw other people were writing like their books or whatever.
542
And I thought I have to do this.
543
And so, but yeah, if you wait till you're 80 to tell your story, then who do you help basically?
544
And I realized to become my authentic self, I had to like take these steps.
545
So this is basically, you know, my story.
546
I wrote my book and now I'm disowned from my family.
547
But, you know, again, I wouldn't change it.
548
I didn't mean to like hurt my mom telling my story, but it's my story and I have told the truth and this is what happened to me.
549
And I know my mom didn't do this deliberately to me.
550
I know it's tradition and culture and this is what happened to her.
551
But somewhere along the line, we have to break the cycle of abuse until somebody breaks that cycle.
552
It can carry on.
553
And why do we want to keep doing this to our daughters?
554
I'm not going to do this to my daughters.
555
And today I'm like really happy to say my oldest daughter, who's 29, she is amazing.
556
Like she went to UC Davis, she went to Johns Hopkins, and then she went to Columbia University.
557
And now she's got a great job as a nurse practitioner.
558
And she's been able to travel.
559
And guess what?
560
I am so proud of her.
561
She's living her life.
562
She had that dream.
563
I went to college late in life, but I didn't live the college life that you can live here in America, but she's lived that life, you know, on campus.
564
And so I live like my life through her sometimes and she's done traveling.
565
And so you can do all this, you know, when you do things the right way too, you don't have to do it the way that happened to me, where you have to get married first and then do things later.
566
No, it shouldn't be that way because by making us get married at an early age and depriving as of education, which is happening to so many girls, you're destroying their lives.
567
You're not letting them advance.
568
If you go to college when you're 40, then you face with like age discrimination when you graduate at 40.
569
There's very few opportunities like that.
570
I should have got my opportunities at, you know, 22 or something when I you know, if I graduated early, you don't get those same opportunities at 40.
571
I'm not saying my life was over, but it's so much easier to go to college.
572
Like when you're younger, when your brain and your mind is still fresh
573
and you're able to take all those things in and you don't have kids, you know, that you also have to look after.
574
So, yeah, I try and tell all these things to my kids.
575
They know my story. And yeah.
576
And then so we have to break the cycle of abuse.
577
We have to tell our stories.
578
We have to try and prevent other girls from going through this because it's still happening.
579
False marriage and child marriage are happening to girls all around the world.
580
I know it's still happening.
581
the UK's criminalized forced marriage.
582
I think back in, I think it was 2014, they criminalized it.
583
So they're like 10 steps ahead of the US in that.
584
Only some states have criminalized forced marriage here and child marriage is still going on here.
585
Believe it or not, people think it's not happening, but only 17 states have actually raised the marriage age to 18.
586
And California, where I live and where I've lived since 1998, has not raised the marriage age.
587
We tried, like, so I volunteer for an organization called Unchained at Last, and they're, like, really great.
588
Like, they have been instrumental in raising the marriage age to 17.
589
And when they've tried it, like, a couple of times in the past, I don't know, legislators kind of, like, just block it from happening.
590
I don't know why this happens, but it seems like they're scared or there's reasons why they don't want this to happen.
591
But anyway, now there's a new bill that's coming from the legislators again it's AB 1267
592
and so California has another chance and I hope anybody who's listening to this, especially if you're in California, please write to your legislators because this should not be happening.
593
It's often not the child that wants this marriage, it's the parents who are coercing their kids into marriage and
594
when the judge sees that the parents have signed off onto the papers, the judge will sign off thinking the parents have the best interests of a child at heart.
595
But really, as you know from my story, parents are doing this for tradition and culture and not for the best interests of their child.
596
So there's so many kids out there who are going through this
597
and people need to know that this has got to stop.
598
And even if there's very few cases of love marriage going on with 17 year olds, they don't need to get married when they're 17.
599
Because if you don't change the law, just for that small minority of people, you're destroying the lives of so many other people, so many other kids.
600
So we have to protect our kids
601
and this is not how we're going to protect them if we let them get married at an early age.
602
Because again, just one other thing that people don't know is that, you know, well, I mean, everybody knows that we can't get like, we can't smoke in this country,
603
we can't drink, we can't take care when we're 21 and we can't vote till we're 18.
604
But yet they're allowing kids to get married, but yet they're not allowing them to get divorced
605
because no divorce attorney is going to take on a minor who is 16
606
or 17 and wants to to get divorced because they're going to say, no, you're not an adult, you're a minor.
607
And then no domestic violence shelter will take a child that's
608
trying to run away from their husband at the age of 17.
609
Like, let's say there's violence or the girl is unhappy, or they realize that this is something they definitely don't want to continue in.
610
You know, so like no domestic violence shelter will take them because they're a minor.
611
So how are we putting them into these situations at age 16
612
or 17 and yet they can't get out of these situations till they're 18.
613
This is like a trap and it's wrong.
614
And then just think of all the underage girls who are put into the situation
615
and every night they are forced to go to bed with somebody who is attacking them
616
and practically like raping them every night.
617
And it's like a get out of jail free card because
618
if you do that to a child and let's say you're not married, it's against the law, it's a crime.
619
But yet if people are getting married
620
and let's say it's a 40 year old man with a 17 year old
621
or a 16 year old then you know they're not going to get into trouble
622
because now they're married and so we're legalizing this to happen
623
and this has got to stop so again i really like will hope
624
that people will write to their legislators and um
625
that things will change in california and ab1267 will pass so
626
that child marriage is uh like banned
627
and the marriage age is raised to 18 i still think
628
that 18 is like way too young because I got married at 18 and I, you know, still really a child.
629
It should really like not happen until someone's past the age of 21, but I'm willing to let it be 18.
630
It's so much better than 16 or 17.
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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les
Deze spreekles op niveau B2 is gebaseerd op de video “They Chose Her Husband From a Photo”. Deze video bevat 630 zinnen en 8346 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 40:48. De spreker praat snel, ongeveer 205 woorden per minuut, dus reken op verbonden en ingeslikte klanken. 86% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden; de rest kun je beter vooraf bekijken.
Belangrijke woorden in deze video
De 15 moeilijkste woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| arrange werkwoord | /əˈɹeɪnd͡ʒ/ | regelen, schikken |
| taxi zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈtæksi/ | taxi |
| disown werkwoord | /dɪsˈoʊn/ | verloochenen, verstoten |
| samosa zelfstandig naamwoord | /səˈmoʊsə/ | samosa |
| strangle werkwoord | /ˈstɹæŋɡəl/ | onderdrukken |
| grandma zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈɡɹænmɑː/ | oma |
| proceed werkwoord | /pɹəˈsid/ | doorgaan, verdergaan |
| legislator zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈlɛd͡ʒɪˌsleɪtə/ | wetgever, wetgeefster |
| honeymoon zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈhʌn.iˌmuːn/ | wittebroodsweken |
| scare werkwoord | /skɛɚ/ | bang maken, beangstigen |
| jewellery zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈd͡ʒʊ-/ | sieraad |
| guilt zelfstandig naamwoord | /ɡɪlt/ | schuld |
| instinctively bijwoord | /ɪnˈstɪŋktɪvli/ | instinctief |
| hallway zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈhɔlˌweɪ/ | gang |
| upstairs bijwoord | /ˌʌpˈstɛɹz/ | boven |
Phrasal verbs die je zult horen
| Woord | Betekenis |
|---|---|
| run away werkwoord | vluchten, weglopen |
| come over werkwoord | langskomen |
| go back werkwoord | teruggaan |
| go down werkwoord | afdalen |
| come back werkwoord | terugkomen |
| come up with werkwoord | bedenken, verzinnen |
| find out werkwoord | ontdekken, onderzoeken |
| get up werkwoord | opstaan |
Zinnen om te herhalen
Korte, volledige zinnen uit de video die je in alledaagse gesprekken kunt gebruiken:
- What do you think?
- I didn't know what was happening.
- I wasn't like shown five different pictures.
- Did you know what being engaged meant?
- How can I do this to his brother?
Grammatica in deze video
De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:
| Structuur | In de video |
|---|---|
| Voorwaardelijke zinnen if + zin, will/would + werkwoord — een voorwaarde en het gevolg | If you come in, you know, I'll be · If you just park outside and I'll come |
| “Used to” used to + werkwoord — een vroegere gewoonte of toestand die niet meer klopt | used to read · used to get |
| Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt | I've been · we've never really been · have had |
| Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet | being shown · were shown · was shown |
Uitspraak om op te letten
De spreker gebruikt 221 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals didn't, don't, I'm. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.
- De klanken “sh” en “zh”: practitioner /pɹækˈtɪʃənəɹ/, gosh /ɡɑːʃ/
- Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: legislator /ˈlɛd͡ʒɪˌsleɪtə/, instinctively /ɪnˈstɪŋktɪvli/, deliberately /dɪˈlɪb.(ə.)ɹət.li/, audiobook /ˈɔdi.oʊbʊk/, practitioner /pɹækˈtɪʃənəɹ/
Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:
- Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: arrange /əˈɹeɪnd͡ʒ/, proceed /pɹəˈsid/, pose /poʊz/, upstairs /ˌʌpˈstɛɹz/, stairs /ˈstɛɹz/
- /æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: taxi /ˈtæksi/, strangle /ˈstɹæŋɡəl/, grandma /ˈɡɹænmɑː/, auntie /ˈæn.ti/, snack /snæk/
- /g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: strangle /ˈstɹæŋɡəl/, grandma /ˈɡɹænmɑː/, guilt /ɡɪlt/, giggle /ˈɡɪɡl̩/, legalize /ˈliːɡəlaɪz/
Zo oefen je met deze video
- Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
- Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
- Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als arrange, taxi, disown.
Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.