Shadowing Practice: How To Know When It’s Time To Leave (And Why It Feels Impossible) - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
Herkese merhaba, On Purpose'a tekrar hoş geldiniz.
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Today, I want to start with something that may sound simple, but I think it explains why so many of us feel stuck in seasons of life we know we've outgrown.
Bugün, belki basit gelebilecek ama bence birçoğumuzun artık geride bıraktığımızı bildiğimiz yaşam dönemlerinde neden takılıp kaldığımızı açıklayan bir şeyle başlamak istiyorum.
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Here's the thing.
İşin aslı şu.
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Most people don't struggle with starting over.
Çoğu insan yeniden başlamakta zorlanmaz.
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They struggle with letting go.
Onlar geçmişi geride bırakmakta zorlanıyorlar.
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We think the hard part is beginning again, taking a risk, stepping into a new chapter.
Bize göre en zor kısım yeniden başlamak, risk almak, yeni bir sayfa açmaktır.
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But more often than not, the real hardship comes from having to release the chapter that came before it.
Ancak çoğu zaman asıl zorluk, ondan önceki bölümü geride bırakmak zorunda kalmaktan kaynaklanır.
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Think about it.
Bir düşünün.
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Most of us already know when something in our life isn't working.
Çoğumuz hayatımızda bir şeylerin yolunda gitmediğini zaten biliyoruz.
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We know when a relationship has become more draining than enjoyable.
Bir ilişkinin keyiften çok yıpratıcı hale geldiğini anlarız.
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We know when a job no longer fulfills us.
Bir işin artık bizi tatmin etmediğini anlarız.
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We know when we've lost excitement in a path we once thought we wanted.
Bir zamanlar istediğimizi sandığımız bir yolda heyecanımızı kaybettiğimizi anlarız.
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The challenge isn't usually recognizing that something needs to change.
Genellikle sorun, bir şeyin değişmesi gerektiğinin farkına varmakta değil.
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The problem is that every time we get close to moving forward, attachment pulls us backward.
Sorun şu ki, her ne zaman ilerlemeye yaklaşsak, bağlılık bizi geriye çekiyor.
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We're attached to the years we've already invested, the identity we've already built, the story we've been telling ourselves,
Yıllarca verdiğimiz emeklere, oluşturduğumuz kimliğe, kendimize anlattığımız hikâyeye bağlıyız.
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and the future we once imagined so clearly that it almost feels impossible to move away from.
Ve bir zamanlar o kadar net hayal ettiğimiz gelecek ki, ondan uzaklaşmak neredeyse imkansız gibi geliyor.
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We are attached to what we hoped our current situation would become.
Şu anki durumumuzun nasıl bir hale gelmesini umuyorsak, ona bağlıyız.
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and that can be even harder to release because you're not grieving what happened.
Ve bu durumdan kurtulmak daha da zor olabilir çünkü yaşananlar için yas tutmuyorsunuz.
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You're grieving what you thought would happen.
Olacağını tahmin ettiğiniz şey için yas tutuyorsunuz.
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This is why starting over can feel so confusing.
İşte bu yüzden yeniden başlamak çok kafa karıştırıcı gelebilir.
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On the outside, people might look at your life and say, just leave, just quit, just move, just try something new.
Dışarıdan bakıldığında, insanlar hayatınıza bakıp "Bırak gitsin, bırak gitsin, taşın gitsin, yeni bir şey denesin" diyebilirler.
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But inside, it feels much more complicated because letting go is rarely just about changing a circumstance.
Ama içten içe durum çok daha karmaşık geliyor çünkü bırakmak nadiren sadece bir durumu değiştirmekle ilgili oluyor.
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It's about changing the story you had about your life.
Bu, hayatınız hakkında sahip olduğunuz hikayeyi değiştirmekle ilgili.
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And that story may be more central to your identity than you've realized.
Ve bu hikaye, sandığınızdan daha çok kimliğinizin merkezinde yer alabilir.
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So today, I want to talk about the psychology of letting go and how to start over in your life, even when it might feel impossible.
Bugün, geçmişi geride bırakmanın psikolojisi ve imkansız gibi görünse bile hayata yeniden başlamanın yolları hakkında konuşmak istiyorum.
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We're going to look at why your brain holds onto things you've already outgrown, how to let go of an identity that no longer fits,
Beyninizin neden artık size uymayan şeyleri sakladığını, artık size uymayan bir kimlikten nasıl kurtulabileceğinizi inceleyeceğiz.
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how to know when a risk is actually worth taking, and how to begin a new chapter the right way.
Risk almanın gerçekten değip değmeyeceğini ve yeni bir bölüme doğru şekilde nasıl başlanacağını nasıl anlayacağınızı öğrenin.
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By the end of this episode, I want you to see that letting go is not failure, weakness, or a sign of giving up.
Bu bölümün sonunda, bırakmanın başarısızlık, zayıflık veya pes etme işareti olmadığını anlamanızı istiyorum.
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Instead, sometimes letting go is the bravest form of growth.
Aksine, bazen bırakmak, en cesur gelişim biçimidir.
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Let's start with why we hold on to things we've already outgrown.
Artık bize uymayan şeylere neden hâlâ bağlı kaldığımızla başlayalım.
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One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that if something is hard to leave, it must still be right for us.
Yaptığımız en büyük hatalardan biri, bir şeyden ayrılmanın zor olması durumunda, onun bizim için doğru şey olması gerektiğini varsaymaktır.
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We think difficulty to move on is evidence we shouldn't.
İlerlemekte zorlanmanın, ilerlemememiz gerektiğinin bir kanıtı olduğunu düşünüyoruz.
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We think emotional attachment to something is proof it's a part of us.
Bir şeye duygusal olarak bağlanmanın, o şeyin bizim bir parçamız olduğunun kanıtı olduğunu düşünüyoruz.
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But the pain of loss doesn't always mean something is still meant for you.
Ancak kayıp acısı, bir şeyin hala sizin için olduğu anlamına her zaman gelmez.
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Psychologists help explain this through something called loss aversion.
Psikologlar bunu kayıp kaçınması adı verilen bir kavramla açıklamaya yardımcı oluyorlar.
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Loss aversion is a cognitive bias where the emotional impact of
Kayıp kaçınması, bir şeyin duygusal etkisinin önemsiz görülmesiyle ilgili bilişsel bir önyargıdır.
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a loss feels roughly twice as intense as the joy of an equivalent gain.
Bir kayıp, eşdeğer bir kazancın verdiği sevincin yaklaşık iki katı kadar yoğun hissedilir.
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This explains why people strongly prefer avoiding losses even if it means missing out on other gains,
Bu durum, insanların diğer kazançlardan mahrum kalma pahasına bile kayıplardan kaçınmayı neden bu kadar çok tercih ettiklerini açıklıyor.
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and it heavily influences decision-making under risk.
ve risk altındaki karar verme süreçlerini büyük ölçüde etkiler.
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In other words, when applied to real life, you simply aren't able to comprehend the awaiting joy on the other side of giving something up.
Başka bir deyişle, gerçek hayata uygulandığında, bir şeyden vazgeçmenin ardından gelen mutluluğu kavramak mümkün değil.
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This is why your brain may resist a decision, even when that decision would make your life better.
Bu nedenle beyniniz, hayatınızı daha iyi hale getirecek olsa bile bir karara direnebilir.
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Your brain is not always asking, how will this help me?
Beyniniz her zaman "Bu bana nasıl yardımcı olacak?" diye sormaz.
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Sometimes it's asking, what am I about to lose?
Bazen de şu soruyu sormak gerekiyor: Neyi kaybetmek üzereyim?
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And when the answer is familiarity, comfort, approval, status, predictability, or a version of yourself that feels safe,
Ve eğer cevap aşinalık, rahatlık, onay, statü, öngörülebilirlik veya kendinizi güvende hissettiren bir benlik ise,
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your brain naturally becomes protective.
Beyniniz doğal olarak koruma mekanizması geliştirir.
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It would rather keep you in a familiar place than lead you into an unfamiliar possibility.
Sizi yabancı bir olasılığa götürmektense, tanıdık bir yerde tutmayı tercih eder.
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That's why people stay in relationships long after the connection has disappeared.
İşte bu yüzden insanlar, aralarındaki bağ koptuktan çok sonra bile ilişkilerini sürdürmeye devam ederler.
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That's why people stay in careers that drain them, because they don't know who they would be without the title.
İşte bu yüzden insanlar kendilerini tüketen mesleklerde kalıyorlar, çünkü o unvan olmadan kim olacaklarını bilmiyorlar.
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That's why people keep chasing goals they no longer want, because abandoning the dream feels like admitting failure.
İşte bu yüzden insanlar artık istemedikleri hedeflerin peşinden koşmaya devam ediyorlar, çünkü hayalden vazgeçmek başarısızlığı kabul etmek gibi geliyor.
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We tell ourselves we're being loyal, committed, or responsible, but sometimes we're simply afraid to lose the story we have already spent so much time building.
Kendimize sadık, bağlı veya sorumlu davrandığımızı söyleriz, ancak bazen çoktan inşa ettiğimiz hikayeyi kaybetmekten korkarız.
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This connects to another idea in psychology called the sunk cost fallacy.
Bu, psikolojideki batık maliyet yanılgısı olarak adlandırılan başka bir kavramla bağlantılıdır.
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The sunk cost fallacy is when we continue investing in something because we have already invested so much, even when continuing may no longer make sense.
Batık maliyet yanılgısı, bir şeye çok fazla yatırım yaptığımız için, devam etmenin artık mantıklı olmadığı durumlarda bile yatırıma devam etmemizdir.
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You see this in small ways, like reading the rest of a book you don't enjoy because you already read the first 40 pages, or eating a meal you're no longer hungry for
Bunu küçük şeylerde görürsünüz; örneğin, ilk 40 sayfasını okuduğunuz için keyif almadığınız bir kitabın geri kalanını okumak veya artık aç olmadığınız bir yemeği yemek gibi.
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because you already paid for it or staying at a concert long after you're tired
Çünkü zaten parasını ödediniz veya yorulduğunuz halde konserde çok uzun süre kalıyorsunuz.
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because it was the hard to get tickets.
Çünkü bilet bulmak zordu.
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But we also do this with our lives in much bigger ways and the cost becomes much higher.
Ancak bunu hayatlarımızda çok daha büyük şekillerde de yapıyoruz ve bunun maliyeti çok daha yüksek oluyor.
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We say, I've already spent five years in this relationship or I've already spent 10 years building this career.
Biz şöyle deriz: "Bu ilişkide beş yıl geçirdim bile" veya "Bu kariyeri kurmak için 10 yıl harcadım bile".
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I don't know who I am outside of this.
Bunun dışında kim olduğumu bilmiyorum.
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So how can I change now?
Peki şimdi nasıl değişiklik yapabilirim?
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But the years you've already spent are not the only years that matter.
Ancak önemli olan sadece geçmişte geçirdiğiniz yıllar değil.
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The years you still have ahead matter more.
Önünüzdeki yıllar daha önemli.
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And sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your future is stop making it pay for your past.
Ve bazen geleceğiniz için yapabileceğiniz en sevgi dolu şey, geçmişinizin bedelini ödemeyi bırakmaktır.
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So here is the first question I want you to sit with.
İşte üzerinde düşünmenizi istediğim ilk soru.
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Think about the relationship, job, friendship, goal, commitment, or situation in your life that you're struggling to let go of.
Hayatınızda bırakmakta zorlandığınız ilişkiyi, işi, arkadaşlığı, hedefi, bağlılığı veya durumu düşünün.
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If that exact thing walked into your life today, exactly as it is right now, would you choose it again.
Eğer o şey, şu anki haliyle, bugün hayatınıza girseydi, yine onu seçer miydiniz?
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I don't mean the version of it from the beginning.
Başından beri var olan versiyonu kastetmiyorum.
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I don't mean the version you hoped it would become.
Sizin olmasını umduğunuz versiyonu kastetmiyorum.
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I don't mean the version you still find yourself reminiscing about when you're feeling nostalgic.
Ben, nostalji duyduğunuzda hâlâ hatırladığınız versiyonu kastetmiyorum.
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I mean the reality of it today.
Günümüzdeki gerçekliği kastediyorum.
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With everything you know now and everything you've experienced, would you willingly choose it again?
Şu an bildiğiniz ve yaşadığınız her şeyle, bunu tekrar gönüllü olarak seçer miydiniz?
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Because that's often where clarity begins.
Çünkü netlik genellikle orada başlar.
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So many of us keep making decisions based on who we were when we first said yes, instead of who we are now.
Birçoğumuz, ilk "evet" dediğimizdeki halimize göre kararlar almaya devam ediyoruz, oysa şimdiki halimize göre değerlendirmemiz gerekiyor.
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We keep defending an old choice rather than evaluating the life that's actually in front of us.
Önümüzdeki hayatı değerlendirmek yerine, eski bir tercihi savunmaya devam ediyoruz.
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That question can be uncomfortable because it removes nostalgia from the equation.
Bu soru rahatsız edici olabilir çünkü nostaljiyi denklemden çıkarıyor.
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It stops asking you to defend what something used to be and ask you to look honestly at what it is.
Bu, sizden bir şeyin geçmişte ne olduğunu savunmanızı istemeyi bırakır ve onun şu anda ne olduğuna dürüstçe bakmanızı ister.
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And sometimes the answer will be yes, you would pick that situation again.
Ve bazen cevap evet olacak, o durumu tekrar tercih ederdiniz.
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This means you may not need to leave, but you may need to recommit with clearer intention.
Bu, ayrılmanıza gerek olmayabileceği, ancak daha net bir niyetle yeniden bağlılık göstermeniz gerekebileceği anlamına gelir.
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But often the answer will be no, you wouldn't choose this situation today as it is if it were presented to you for the first time.
Ancak çoğu zaman cevap hayır olacaktır; eğer bu durum size ilk kez sunulsaydı, bugün olduğu gibi bu seçeneği tercih etmezdiniz.
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And if the answer is no, then the work now becomes learning how to let go without turning the past into a present mistake.
Eğer cevap hayırsa, o zaman yapılması gereken iş, geçmişi şimdiki bir hataya dönüştürmeden nasıl bırakılacağını öğrenmektir.
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Letting go does not mean the chapter was pointless.
Geçmişi geride bırakmak, o bölümün anlamsız olduğu anlamına gelmez.
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It does not mean the that the relationship was a waste, that the job was a waste, the dream was a waste, or the version of yourself who wanted it was wrong.
Bu, ilişkinin boşa gittiği, işin boşa gittiği, hayalin boşa gittiği veya bunu isteyen benliğinizin yanlış olduğu anlamına gelmez.
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Something can be meaningful and still be complete.
Bir şey hem anlamlı olabilir hem de tamamlanmış olabilir.
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One of the greatest signs of maturity is being able to honor what something gave you without forcing it to keep giving.
Olgunluğun en büyük işaretlerinden biri, bir şeyin size verdiklerine saygı duyabilmek ve ondan sürekli olarak bir şeyler almaya devam etmesini beklememektir.
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The second thing I want to touch on is this.
İkinci olarak değinmek istediğim konu şu.
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Once you've accepted what needs to change, you need to accept that you will have to adjust your own identity accordingly.
Nelerin değişmesi gerektiğini kabul ettikten sonra, kendi kimliğinizi de buna göre uyarlamanız gerektiğini kabul etmelisiniz.
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This may be the deepest part of the conversation, because often what we're holding onto is not the relationship,
Bu, konuşmanın en derin noktası olabilir, çünkü çoğu zaman tutunduğumuz şey ilişkinin kendisi değil,
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the job, the city, the dream, or the plan itself.
İş, şehir, hayal veya planın kendisi.
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We're holding onto who we got to be inside of it.
İçimizdeki kimliğimizi korumaya çalışıyoruz.
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We're holding onto the identity it gave us, and identity is one of the hardest things to release, because it becomes the way we explain ourselves to the world.
Bize verdiği kimliğe tutunuyoruz ve kimlik, bırakılması en zor şeylerden biridir, çünkü dünyaya kendimizi açıklama biçimimiz haline gelir.
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Maybe you were the person who is going to be married by a certain age, successful by a certain age, living in a certain city or working in a certain industry.
Belki de belli bir yaşta evlenecek, belli bir yaşta başarılı olacak, belli bir şehirde yaşayacak veya belli bir sektörde çalışacak kişi sizdiniz.
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Maybe you were the dependable one, the ambitious one, the spiritual one, the strong one, the one who never gave up, the one who was in a perfect relationship.
Belki de siz güvenilir olan, hırslı olan, maneviyat sahibi olan, güçlü olan, asla pes etmeyen, mükemmel bir ilişki içinde olan kişiydiniz.
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And then life changed or you changed.
Ve sonra hayat değişti ya da siz değiştiniz.
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And suddenly the identity that once helped you feel grounded starts to feel like a cage.
Ve bir zamanlar kendinizi güvende hissetmenize yardımcı olan kimlik, birdenbire bir kafes gibi hissettirmeye başlıyor.
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It's natural for the brain to start wondering, who am I if I don't want this life anymore?
Beynin, "Artık bu hayatı istemiyorsam ben kimim?" diye düşünmeye başlaması doğaldır.
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Yes, it can feel like betrayal to outgrow something you once prayed for, but growth will often ask you to disappoint an older version of yourself
Evet, bir zamanlar dua ettiğiniz bir şeyi geride bırakmak ihanet gibi gelebilir, ancak büyüme çoğu zaman sizden kendinizin daha eski bir versiyonunu hayal kırıklığına uğratmanızı isteyecektir.
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so you can become honest with the version of yourself that exists now.
Böylece şu an var olan benliğinizle dürüst olabilirsiniz.
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There is a concept in psychology called narrative identity, which is the idea that we make sense of our lives through stories.
Psikolojide anlatısal kimlik diye bir kavram vardır; bu kavram, yaşamlarımıza anlam kazandırmamızı öyküler aracılığıyla sağladığımız fikrine dayanır.
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Human beings are meaning-making creatures.
İnsanlar anlam yaratan varlıklardır.
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We don't just experience events and move on.
Olayları sadece yaşayıp geçmiyoruz.
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We organize those events into a narrative that helps us understand who we are, where we've been and where we're going.
Bu olayları, kim olduğumuzu, nereden geldiğimizi ve nereye gittiğimizi anlamamıza yardımcı olan bir anlatıya dönüştürüyoruz.
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Without even realizing it, all of us are carrying around a story about ourselves.
Farkında bile olmadan, hepimiz kendimizle ilgili bir hikaye taşıyoruz.
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Maybe your story is, I'm the person who had to work twice as hard as everyone else.
Belki de sizin hikayeniz şudur: "Ben herkesten iki kat daha fazla çalışmak zorunda kalan kişiyim."
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Maybe it's, I'm the person who always puts family first.
Belki de bunun sebebi, her zaman aileyi ön planda tutan kişi olmamdır.
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Maybe it's, I'm the ambitious one or I'm the independent one.
Belki de ben hırslı olanım ya da bağımsız olanım.
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These stories are incredibly useful because they create a sense of continuity.
Bu hikayeler, bir süreklilik duygusu yarattıkları için inanılmaz derecede faydalıdır.
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They help us feel grounded.
Bize kendimizi daha güvende hissetmemize yardımcı oluyorlar.
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They help us answer the question, who am I?
Bize "Ben kimim?" sorusuna cevap bulmamıza yardımcı oluyorlar.
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But over time, the story that once helped us understand ourselves can start limiting us.
Ancak zamanla, bir zamanlar kendimizi anlamamıza yardımcı olan hikaye bizi sınırlamaya başlayabilir.
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Because once you've repeated a story enough times, it stops feeling like a story and starts feeling like an obligation.
Çünkü bir hikâyeyi yeterince çok kez anlattığınızda, artık hikâye gibi gelmeyi bırakıp bir yükümlülük gibi hissetmeye başlar.
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That is why changing your identity can feel so uncomfortable.
İşte bu yüzden kimliğinizi değiştirmek çok rahatsız edici gelebilir.
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It is not just that you are changing your schedule.
Sadece programınızı değiştirmiyorsunuz.
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your relationship status, your address, or your job.
İlişki durumunuz, adresiniz veya işiniz.
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You are changing the explanation of who you are.
Kim olduğunuzla ilgili açıklamayı değiştiriyorsunuz.
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You are changing the sentence you've been using to introduce yourself, to define yourself, and sometimes to protect yourself.
Kendinizi tanıtmak, tanımlamak ve bazen de kendinizi korumak için kullandığınız cümleyi değiştiriyorsunuz.
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Suddenly, you're left with a space between identities.
Birdenbire, kimlikler arasında bir boşlukla karşı karşıya kalıyorsunuz.
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This is the gap between who you were and who you are becoming, and it can feel frightening because nothing is fully formed yet.
Bu, geçmişteki halinizle gelecekteki haliniz arasındaki boşluktur ve henüz hiçbir şey tam olarak şekillenmediği için korkutucu gelebilir.
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But the absence of an old identity does not mean the absence of self.
Ancak eski kimliğin yokluğu, benliğin yokluğu anlamına gelmez.
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It means you're in the process of becoming more authentic.
Bu, daha özgün bir kişiliğe bürünme sürecinde olduğunuz anlamına gelir.
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We often think identity is something we find once and keep forever.
Kimliğin bir kez bulunup sonsuza dek korunan bir şey olduğunu sık sık düşünürüz.
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But identity is meant to evolve.
Ancak kimlik evrim geçirmek üzere tasarlanmıştır.
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The version of you who wanted something five years ago may have been completely sincere, but sincerity does not require permanence.
Beş yıl önce bir şey isteyen haliniz tamamen samimi olabilir, ancak samimiyet kalıcılık gerektirmez.
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You can honor what you wanted then and still choose differently now.
O zaman istediğiniz şeye sadık kalabilir ve yine de şimdi farklı bir seçim yapabilirsiniz.
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So the practice here is not to ask, who am I without this in a frightened way?
Yani buradaki uygulama, korkarak "Ben bu olmadan kimim?" diye sormak değil.
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The practice is to ask, what part of me is ready to step forward now?
Buradaki yöntem, "Benliğimin hangi kısmı şimdi öne çıkmaya hazır?" diye sormaktır.
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That question moves you from loss into curiosity.
Bu soru sizi kayıp duygusundan merak duygusuna doğru yönlendiriyor.
126
It allows you to start treating change as evidence that you're alive, that you're growing, learning, and becoming more aware.
Bu, değişimi hayatta olduğunuzun, büyüdüğünüzün, öğrendiğinizin ve daha bilinçli hale geldiğinizin bir kanıtı olarak görmeye başlamanıza olanak tanır.
127
For anyone listening who feels terrified of changing, I want to offer you this.
Değişimden korkan herkese şunu söylemek istiyorum.
128
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit
Bazen yapabileceğiniz en cesur şey itiraf etmektir.
129
that the person you're becoming wants something different than the person you used to be.
Şu an dönüşmekte olduğunuz kişi, eskiden olduğunuz kişiden farklı şeyler istiyor demektir.
130
That's not a failure of commitment.
Bu, bağlılığın eksikliği anlamına gelmiyor.
131
That's the natural result of living, learning, and growing.
Bu, yaşamanın, öğrenmenin ve gelişmenin doğal bir sonucudur.
132
Many of us secretly believe there is one correct version of our lives, one right career, one right relationship,
Birçoğumuz içten içe hayatımızın tek bir doğru versiyonu, tek bir doğru kariyer, tek bir doğru ilişki olduğuna inanırız.
133
one right city, one right timeline, one right path.
Tek doğru şehir, tek doğru zaman dilimi, tek doğru yol.
134
And because we believe that, every ending feels catastrophic.
Ve biz buna inandığımız için, her son felaket gibi geliyor.
135
If the relationship ends, then maybe I missed my chance.
Eğer ilişki biterse, belki de fırsatı kaçırmışımdır.
136
If the career doesn't work out, maybe I've fallen behind.
Kariyerim yolunda gitmezse, belki de geride kalmışımdır.
137
If I change direction now, maybe I'm walking away from the life I was supposed to have.
Eğer şimdi yönümü değiştirirsem, belki de sahip olmam gereken hayattan uzaklaşmış olurum.
138
But when psychologists study happiness,
Ancak psikologlar mutluluğu incelediklerinde,
139
fulfillment, and life satisfaction, they don't evidence that there is one perfect life waiting for each of us.
Tatmin ve yaşam memnuniyetiyle ilgili olsalar da, her birimiz için mükemmel bir hayatın var olduğuna dair bir kanıt teşkil etmezler.
140
What they find is that human beings are remarkably adaptable.
İnsanların son derece uyum sağlayabilen canlılar olduğunu keşfediyorlar.
141
We create meaning wherever we go.
Gittiğimiz her yerde anlam yaratıyoruz.
142
One of the most freeing realizations you can have is
Yaşanabilecek en özgürleştirici farkındalıklardan biri şudur:
143
that there isn't one version of your future capable of making you happy.
Geleceğinizin sizi mutlu edebilecek tek bir versiyonu olmadığı gerçeği.
144
There are many.
145
The life you imagined at 20 could have been beautiful.
146
The life you're building now can still be beautiful too.
147
These ideas don't compete with each other because sometimes what keeps us stuck isn't our attachment to the past.
148
It's our fear that letting go means losing our only chance at a beautiful future.
149
Now, I want to move on to something I think is very important to consider, especially when making very large life choices.
150
We need to unpack how to know when a risk is worth taking.
151
I want to be very clear here because sometimes when we talk about starting over, people can mistake it for impulsivity.
152
When I'm talking about letting go, I'm not saying to destroy your life every time you feel uncomfortable.
153
Taking a risk does not mean you abandon wisdom, responsibility, patience, or discernment.
154
Not every hard season is assigned to leave, and not every exciting opportunity is assigned to jump ship.
155
So how do you know when a risk is actually worth taking?
156
The first thing I want you to look at is the cost of staying.
157
Most people only calculate the cost of leaving.
158
They think about what they might lose, what might go wrong, who might judge them, how much money it might cost, or how uncertain the future might be.
159
But they rarely calculate what staying is already costing them.
160
Staying may be costing you confidence.
161
It may be energy, creativity, health, peace, self-respect, or time you will never get back.
162
Staying may be teaching you to ignore your own instincts.
163
Staying may be making you feel smaller, more resentful, or more disconnected from the person you want to become.
164
And sometimes, when you really calculate the cost of staying, you realize that the safe option is not actually safe.
165
Research on regret gives us something powerful here.
166
Studies have found that in the short term, people often regret actions more intensely because the consequences are immediate and visible.
167
But over the long term, people tend to regret inactions more deeply because the mind keeps returning to the life that might have been.
168
The change you made may sting for a moment, but the change you never tried can haunt you for years.
169
Simply put, a risk is worth considering when the downside is survivable,
170
the upside is meaningful, and the lesson would still be valuable even if it didn't work out.
171
If the worst case scenario is painful but recoverable
172
and the best case scenario could expand your life in a way that deeply matters to you, then that can be a risk worth exploring.
173
And if staying exactly where you are is dimming something important inside of you, then avoiding the risk may already be the risk.
174
One of my favorite questions is this, what would I regret more five years from now, trying and failing or never giving myself the chance?
175
The question doesn't give you a perfect answer, but it changes the timeline.
176
Suddenly the pain of temporary discomfort becomes smaller than the pain of permanent self-abandonment.
177
So let's say you decide the risk is worth taking.
178
You're ready to let go of your past identity.
179
You're ready to detach from the life you were previously living.
180
Now we need to touch on how to start a new chapter from the beginning.
181
One of the reasons people delay starting over is because they want certainty before they move.
182
They want proof that the new relationship will work.
183
Proof that the new career will succeed.
184
Proof that the new city will feel like home.
185
Proof that the new version of themselves will be accepted, admired, and safe.
186
But life rarely gives us certainty at the beginning of a chapter.
187
So to start a new chapter, you need to deeply engage in a concept called psychological flexibility.
188
Psychological flexibility is the ability to stay present with discomfort as you adjust to changing circumstances.
189
It means taking action that aligns with your values, even when you feel uncomfortable or afraid.
190
It means you can feel uncertainty and still move in the direction of what matters.
191
The first step in developing psychological flexibility is learning to stop treating your emotions as instructions.
192
Just because you feel fear doesn't mean something is wrong.
193
Just because you feel uncertain doesn't mean you're making the wrong decision.
194
Just because you feel grief doesn't mean you should go back.
195
One of the biggest mistakes we make during periods of change is assuming that our emotional state should determine our next move.
196
Psychological flexibility asks us to separate the feeling from the decision.
197
The second step is learning to get comfortable with the concept of both.
198
Many of us believe we need to choose between fear and action, uncertainty and confidence, grief and growth.
199
But psychological flexibility teaches the opposite it.
200
You can be terrified and still move forward.
201
You can miss the old chapter and still know it's time for a new one.
202
You can be unsure about how things will unfold and still be determined to try anyway.
203
The goal isn't to eliminate difficult emotions.
204
The goal is to expand your capacity to hold them while continuing to act in alignment with your future.
205
This practice asks you to shift your focus away from certainty and toward values.
206
When people are trying to make a big decision, they often ask, what outcome can I guarantee?
207
But life rarely offers guarantees.
208
A more useful question is, what choice best reflects the person I want to be?
209
One question is rooted in control, the other is rooted in values.
210
And when you're standing at the edge of a new chapter, values tend to be a much more reliable compass than certainty.
211
So how do you begin when you don't know how the future ends.
212
You treat the next chapter like an experiment, not a verdict.
213
One of the biggest mistakes people make is believing every decision has to be forever.
214
We think choosing a new direction means guaranteeing the outcome.
215
But some of the most successful people approach change differently.
216
They don't ask, what if I choose wrong?
217
They ask, what can I learn regardless?
218
Instead of committing to a new career, experiment with one.
219
Maybe this will be your job for life or maybe it won't.
220
Maybe this new relationship will be your forever person or maybe they won't.
221
Embrace the liminal space between identities and allow yourself to explore without attaching to the next set version of your life.
222
The goal is not to be right 100% of the time.
223
The goal is to learn.
224
And oftentimes the information you need to make a life-changing decision only becomes available after you start testing possibilities.
225
You can't know for 100% certainty that you're on the wrong path
226
until you find yourself on a new one that finally feels right.
227
This takes me to the final thing I wanna touch on today.
228
Let's go over how to let go of a chapter of your life without becoming bitter towards the time you spent there.
229
This is important because sometimes, once we finally move on, we try to make the ending easier by turning the old chapter into something that was bad.
230
We convince ourselves the relationship was all bad, or the job was a waste, or the person we used to be was naive.
231
We think if we can make the past feel wrong, it will be easier to detach from it entirely.
232
But bitterness will only hinder you from further growth.
233
You can let go with gratitude.
234
You can leave without hatred.
235
you can accept that something is complete without needing to destroy its meaning.
236
This is one of the most healing shifts you can make
237
because it allows you to move forward without carrying resentment as proof
238
that you were right to make the choices that you made.
239
Of course, sometimes a chapter ends because it was harmful.
240
And in those cases, anger may be part of the healing process.
241
Anger can be protective.
242
Anger can help you recognize where a boundary was crossed or where your dignity was not honored.
243
But even then, the goal is not to live inside anger forever.
244
The goal is to let anger give you information without taking it into your new identity.
245
Because the fact of the matter is, even as you grow and evolve and shift identities, you are still you.
246
And you need to hold love for every version of yourself that you have been and will become.
247
Changing your circumstances does not mean abandoning yourself.
248
You are the same person you've always been.
249
What's changing is where your values now align.
250
I think this is one of those fears people have when they start over.
251
They worry that changing means losing themselves.
252
They worry that if they leave the identity they have now, their future self will become unrecognizable.
253
But real growth does not ask you to abandon yourself.
254
Real growth asks you to return to the parts of yourself that have been waiting beneath an identity you outgrew.
255
You are not a fixed thing.
256
You are not one title, one role, one relationship, one mistake, one achievement, one plan, or one season.
257
You are a living, evolving person, and you will grow and survive through many different chapters.
258
So instead of asking, who am I once this chapter ends, ask what parts of this chapter are coming with me into this new version of myself.
259
Maybe it's your kindness or your work ethic or your compassion for others.
260
Starting over just means you are simply releasing what no longer belongs
261
so that the truest parts of yourself have more room to breathe.
262
Maybe the old chapter taught you resilience.
263
Maybe it taught you what love is and what love isn't.
264
Maybe it taught you what kind of work energizes you, what kind of people nourish you, what kind of pace your nervous system can sustain,
265
or what kind of life you no longer want to build.
266
If you leave with the lesson, then nothing was wasted.
267
This is how you start over with wisdom instead of panic.
268
You don't pretend the past didn't happen.
269
You integrate it.
270
You allow yourself to become someone more whole because of what you've lived through.
271
As we come to the end of this episode, I want to bring you back to where we began.
272
Most people don't struggle with starting over.
273
They struggle with letting go.
274
And maybe the reason that line feels so true is because deep down many of us already know the next step.
275
We know what conversation we've been avoiding, what decisions we've been delaying, what career we've outgrown, what truth we've been minimizing,
276
or what chapter has been ending for a long time.
277
The work is grieving the future that will no longer happen
278
so you can stop missing out on the future that still could.
279
The work is loosening your grip on the version of life you expected
280
so you can receive the version of life that is actually meant for you.
281
And I know that can be painful.
282
I don't want to make letting go sound easy because it isn't.
283
Letting go can feel like loss even when it leads to freedom.
284
It can feel like failure even when it leads to success.
285
It can feel like uncertainty even when it's rooted in alignment.
286
But I want you to remember this.
287
The chapter you're leaving is not the only chapter capable of holding meaning.
288
The version of you that existed there is not the only version capable of being loved, successful, fulfilled, peaceful, or whole.
289
There is more life beyond the identity you built, more possibility beyond the story you planned, and more of you beyond the part you are being asked to release.
290
Maybe for you, letting go looks dramatic.
291
Maybe it's leaving a relationship, changing careers, moving cities, or finally pursuing something you've spent years talking yourself out of.
292
But more often than not, letting go happens in much quieter ways.
293
Maybe it looks like releasing the timeline you thought your life would follow.
294
Maybe it looks like leaving behind a friendship that hasn't been real in years.
295
Maybe it looks like letting go of the belief that success has to look a certain way, that love has to arrive in a certain way,
296
or that family has to show up for you in a certain way.
297
Letting go just means accepting that a version of yourself you've been trying to get back in alignment with no longer exists.
298
I think that's an important one.
299
So many of us spend years trying to return to a previous chapter of our lives.
300
We tell ourselves, I just want to feel the way we did in the beginning.
301
Or I want to get back to who I was when I first moved here.
302
Or I want my life to look the way it did before I lost that person.
303
But life doesn't move backwards.
304
We don't get our old chapters back.
305
What we get is the opportunity to build something new from what we've learned.
306
And that's why letting go matters.
307
Because every ounce of energy spent trying to recreate a chapter
308
that's already ended is energy that can't be invested in the chapter that's trying to begin.
309
The future doesn't ask you to forget your past.
310
It asks you to stop living there.
311
So this week, I want you to ask yourself three questions.
312
What am I holding on to only because it feels familiar?
313
What identity am I afraid to release because I don't yet know who I'll become without it?
314
And what is the next honest step I can take toward the chapter that is trying to begin?
315
You don't have to change your whole life in one day.
316
You don't have to know exactly where the next chapter will lead.
317
You don't need to feel completely ready, completely confident, or completely fearless.
318
You just have to be honest enough to admit when something is complete, brave enough to release what no longer fits,
319
and willing enough to take one step toward what may be waiting for you next.
320
Because here's what I've learned.
321
Every person I've ever met who is terrified to take a leap is always ultimately grateful that they did.
322
Every person who found the relationship, career, purpose, city, community, or version of themselves they were meant to grow into
323
had a moment where they stood exactly where you might be standing right now, looking at an ending they didn't want facing,
324
uncertainty they couldn't control, and wondering if they were making a terrible mistake.
325
The difference wasn't that they had more clarity.
326
It would all work out.
327
The difference was that eventually they stopped asking, what if this doesn't work?
328
And started asking, what if there's more for me than this?
329
And that is the real invitation of every new chapter.
330
Not the promise that everything will work perfectly.
331
Not the guarantee that you'll never experience loss, disappointment or heartbreak again.
332
The invitation is simply the possibility that your life may be bigger than the story you've been clinging on to.
333
The life you were afraid to lose was never the only life available to you.
334
There are still people you haven't met, experiences you haven't had, places you haven't seen, and versions of yourself you haven't grown into yet.
335
And that's what letting go ultimately makes room for.
336
The possibility of what lies ahead may be even more meaningful than what you've been holding on to.
337
When I look back at the pattern of my life, I notice so many moments where I took a leap when I didn't know what was next.
338
whether it was leaving my career, changing countries, changing cities, relationships.
339
And I remind myself that yes, it was difficult.
340
Yes, it was hard.
341
Yes, it was excruciatingly painful.
342
But you will always regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
343
Remember this, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
344
I'll see you soon.
345
If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex
346
and find true love in your relationships.
347
Make a list of the things that are truly important for you to find in a partner and then be that list.
Uygulamayı İndir
Akıcı konuşmak için ihtiyacınız olan her şey
AI TelaffuzHer cümleyi puanla
IPA AlıştırmasıHer sesi ustalaştır
Kelime BilgisiKelime bankanızı oluşturun
Kelime OyunuOynarken öğrenin
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu B2 seviyesindeki konuşma dersi “How To Know When It’s Time To Leave” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 347 cümle ve 4808 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 28:37 sürüyor. Konuşmacı dakikada yaklaşık 168 kelimeyle, günlük konuşmaya yakın doğal bir hızda konuşuyor. Kelimelerin %88’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodaki en ileri düzey 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| flexibility isim | /ˌflɛksɪˈbɪlɪti/ | esneklik, elastikiyet |
| abandon fiil | /əˈbæn.dən/ | bırakmak |
| uncertainty isim | /ʌnˈsɜːtənti/ | belirsizlik, muğlaklık |
| uncomfortable sıfat | /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/ | rahatsız |
| grieve fiil | /ɡɹiːv/ | üzmek |
| terrify fiil | /ˈtɛɹɪfaɪ/ | dehşete düşürmek |
| calculate fiil | /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/ | hesaplamak |
| attachment isim | /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/ | bağlılık |
| meaningful sıfat | /ˈmiː.nɪŋ.fl̩/ | anlamlı, manalı |
| fallacy isim | /ˈfæl.ə.si/ | mantıksızlık, mugalata |
| psychologist isim | /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/ | psikolog |
| leap fiil | /ˈliːp/ | sıçramak, zıplamak |
| ambitious sıfat | /æmˈbɪʃ.əs/ | hırslı, hevesli |
| uncertain sıfat | /ʌnˈsɜɹ.tən/ | şüpheli |
| grief isim | /ɡɹiːf/ | hüzün, keder |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Anlam |
|---|---|
| start over fiil | baştan başlamak |
| get over fiil | üstesinden gelmek, yenmek |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- You're grieving what you thought would happen.
- Sometimes it's asking, what am I about to lose?
- They help us answer the question, who am I?
- They don't ask, what if I choose wrong?
- They ask, what can I learn regardless?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — önceden başlayıp hâlâ süren bir eylem | we've been telling · you've been using · have been waiting |
| “Used to” used to + fiil — artık geçerli olmayan eski bir alışkanlık ya da durum | used to be |
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | has become · we've lost · we've already invested |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | are attached · is still meant · were presented |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı don't, you're, you've gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 126 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: aversion /əˈvɜːʒən/, ambitious /æmˈbɪʃ.əs/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, compassion /kəmˈpæʃ.ən/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: flexibility /ˌflɛksɪˈbɪlɪti/, uncertainty /ʌnˈsɜːtənti/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- /w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: backward /ˈbækwɚd/, equation /ɪˈkweɪ.ʒən/, consequence /ˈkɑn.sɪ.kwəns/, weakness /ˈwik.nɪs/
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: flexibility /ˌflɛksɪˈbɪlɪti/, grieve /ɡɹiːv/, clarity /ˈklæɹ.ɪ.ti/, grief /ɡɹiːf/, protective /pɹəˈtɛk.tɪv/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: abandon /əˈbæn.dən/, calculate /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/, attachment /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/, detach /dɪˈtæt͡ʃ/, fallacy /ˈfæl.ə.si/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; flexibility, abandon, uncertainty gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.