Shadowing Practice: why i'm not scared of being perceived anymore // EP 110 - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Okay.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome.

It is 2 p .m right now, so in fact, not the morning.

I am having the best day.

I don't know why.

I don't even have makeup on right now.

I just feel so good, and I am so excited to film this podcast episode

and I think a part of the reason is this lovely

plant I think I talked about this in last week's episode

which I filmed yesterday but I got this plant

and she is just thrilling me like I didn't think for

some reason the vibe of this apartment I was like it doesn't need plants

and I was really enjoying not did I even tell you

that I got a plan yesterday I can't fucking remember

but for some reason I was just like I don't need plants in here like the vibes aren't plant vibes

and also I love not having a single responsibility other than my own flesh

and bones you know like when I leave the house

if I go on trips like there's nothing I have to consider except me

and like my passport you know

so I was like I don't want anything to care for

that someone's gonna have to check in on like as much as I would love a hamster

or a mouse

so badly I was like no don't want a responsibility don't even want a fucking house plant

but then yesterday I was having the weirdest morning ever like

I did I tell you all of this yesterday yeah I

woke up really early fell asleep on my couch went for a walk went to the plant shop bought this

lovely lady which I need to name her

and I just can't like I just love the way she looks in here the vibes are

so good and I don't know why I'm having such a good morning

because I slept like shit last night like pure shit

but I fell asleep at like 4 a .m

but I went to bed on time

and I had an exhausting like I was so tired at bedtime

and I went to bed and I just could not get to sleep I hate

when that happens and then I woke up at 9 a .m

which is not early by any means

but like I was I had nothing to do in the morning until 11

so I was like I'll just sleep till like 10

woke up to drilling because they're still doing drilling every day sorry

if you can hear it in this episode hopefully you can't

but woke up and I was like well fuck I might as well just get up

and start my day and since then like I've just been happy

and like I just went and sat

and I was like writing down some thoughts for this podcast episode in my little filofax here

and in the back of my filofax oh by the way

I got the coolest new thing I got finally I've been

wanting one of these for ages I got a pocket insert

how sick is this it's like a little like pencil case insert

so cool anyway at the back of my thing I have pictures of me

and Millie my best friend and she was popping up like this

so as I was writing I could just see her face

and I was just like overwhelmed with this gratitude for life

and I like I genuinely wrote down in my journal as

I was planning podcast episode at a random 2 p .m

on a random Tuesday I was like do you know what

I think right now is the happiest I've ever felt like

it's not a moment of excitement it's not a moment of like sudden joy

because I got good news it's not like in a situation

that's made me like oh my god yay like I was just sat there

and I was like I'm so I think

because I filmed yesterday I filmed an episode

and in it I was talking a bit about friendship

and I was like I feel so lucky about the friends

that I have that was like on my mind this morning again

and I was seeing Millie's face as I was writing about stuff

and I was like I really do feel

so lucky like it is it's so crazy to me

that I have the friends that I have

and I was I actually had a call with a psychiatrist this morning

and she was asking me about like my support system

and I was like she was like okay

so like who would you call if you were crying for example

and I said I would call my best friend Millie

or my best friend T and my mom and saying

that I was like god I that alone like I don't sometimes I just I'm

so like in disbelief that I have the people

that I have around me like I how like I anyway

I'm in a great mood great mood also part of my

the reason for my great mood part of the reason for

my lessening great mood is the lighting right now I just have a window in front of me

and didn't put my studio light on again

so I think it might be ugly sorry about that

but let me know let me know

but what was I saying oh another part of why I'm in a great mood is

because you guys know i've been reading a court of thorns

and roses for fucking ages now like i said ages ago

that i was gonna start and i did

but it damn like it's a slow burn like really fucking slow burn i finally got

and if you know you know i got to chapter 22

and finally shit is heating up

and i looked how far am i through this goddamn book what do you mean chapter 22

and you're just now getting freaky it's exactly pretty much it's

got like the book is in half i'm halfway through the book

and i was like that was annoying me so much

because I was like I'm going to give up like I cannot keep reading this annoying internal monologue of Feyre

I just spat, Feyre.

But then when it happened, when it finally happened, I was like, you know what?

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Those 22 chapters of slop with so much love were so worth it because now, yeah, I get it.

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And I was even complaining in last week's episode about heated rivalry and I was saying like, the reason it didn't hit for me was like, you can't fake a slow burn.

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You can't time jump and put a text overlay

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and tell me it's been multiple years and expect me to feel this slow burn yearning.

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That doesn't work.

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Like, that's not gonna work on me.

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Sorry, no. And so then I also had the nerve to complain about how fucking slow of a burn ACOTAR is.

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Oh, I take it back.

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Like the second that they did what they did, every page was worth it.

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Every single page I read before, suddenly I understood why.

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And is that not a lesson for life?

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And is this not what I preach? like sometimes you don't

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know why painful things happen sometimes you don't know why you have to reach 22 chapters of a book

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that is just clearly not targeted towards your age demographic for

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you to finally get to the part where you think this

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is why I suffered this right here the fairy fucking the

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girl this is why I suffered yeah they haven't fucked yet they've not fucked yet really excited

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because I'm presuming that they obviously will

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if they don't I will sue I will be suing

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but yeah oh my god oh my god

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and i didn't think i would be into it like i didn't the the previous descriptions

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that we had gotten of tamlin's body i was like okay

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like we get it he's muscly can't really picture it i wish his face wasn't masked irritated

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and also like i feel like pharaoh's not described to be the most

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but also the whole thing i was just like i don't

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get it like i don't get it i get it i

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get it i get it i got it this morning i got it i'm probably gonna finish

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that book in the next day yeah i'm probably gonna read

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the next fucking 22 chapters within the next 24 hours

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so just keep an eye out for

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that uh next week's episode i'm sure we'll be talking more about it can't fucking wait can't fucking wait

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and then after i finish akatar i do have the next two books in the series

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but i'm gonna first read east of eden by who's

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that by john steinberg fuck i have no idea i bought it

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because i saw a tiktok about it

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and i was like oh this is sounds good as fuck

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so that's the next book that I want to read

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but yeah I'm so fucking I'm so fucking excited to get back to

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that book like literally everything in my day only stands in

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the way now of me getting back to print the

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and I swear to god I'm

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so excited let's see what I wrote in my little mind palace let's see what what was I thinking about

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when I was thinking about this episode oh yeah i just have this written down

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because i had to tell you i was sat on my rooftop writing for this episode

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and i was listening to gracie abrams good reason live from the bowery oh my god like

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if you've not heard

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that version of the song bro bro like i could have levitated this morning like i 20 minutes ago

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when i was doing this like i genuinely felt like i could be levitating

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that was so exactly the moments in life

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that I live to find again oh hold on I have to put my washing into the dryer hold on

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because I really have to

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because otherwise gonna screw the whole plan up I've got a

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whole plan hold on okay sorry I'm doing this whole thing

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where my family is coming to visit me in oh my god

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when are they coming they're coming in like did I smash

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my phone no my family is coming in oh literally a

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few days holy shit okay they're coming on Saturday it's Tuesday

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so my spare room in my apartment has been like my

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dumping ground like of all the stuff I couldn't father mum packing

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because I didn't know where it was meant to go I

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got stuck on like the last two boxes of like the worst stuff

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and it just sat there and I've had to go through everything

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and clear it all out

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and I just put a absolutely lethal amount of scent laundry scent into my next load

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because have you ever smelt clothes that have been in a box for four months

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because it fucking kicks actually it's longer than

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that it's more like six months Jesus fucking Christ ew okay anyway what was I talking about let's see okay

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so on the topic of like friendship I feel like we talked about

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that last week

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and I was talking about it in a good way right

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like I was saying well was I I can't remember what

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the fuck I said anyway last week we were kind of talking about friendship

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and I was reading through some email submissions for this week

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and one of the things that I read was this one girl who was saying

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that she had this best friend they're like 18 he he was a guy and he was gay, she was a girl.

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She was a skater boy, if you will.

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And he basically became really distant after their final year exams

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and she doesn't know why and she would try to address it with him and he like gaslit her a bit.

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and that upset her because she was like does he think

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that little of me to think

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that I'm fucking crazy like no you are being distant

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and he didn't change anything and he says he's too busy to hang out

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but then she'll hear that he's like hanging out with other people

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and she's like do you think that she was like basically saying

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that she's finding it hard to understand if she should just accept

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that everyone says friendships and especially school friendships

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and maybe that's just something she has to accept or

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if she should try again with him and try

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and either fix the friendship or understand if she does something wrong

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or just understand what the fuck has happened

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and it got me thinking about the different stages of life

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and the friendships that come with them

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and oh my god i have the worst sweat patches ever

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wait that's insane hold on guys i have the craziest sweat patches it's

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because it's because i have to turn off the ac

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when i film and then i just get wet damp all over

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so anyway fucking hell okay

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so here's the thing i I think friendships at the age of like 18

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when people are finishing school and going to uni go through so many changes.

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I think the one thing is

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that he's treating you like shit like he's not communicating

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and then when you communicate he is destroying any easy pathway to being honest

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which is that's for you to decide I think how you want to feel about

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that but I think you're valid and whatever you choose to do about

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that like but I think

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that people can go through a lot of interesting shifts in

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their thinking about who they're friends with around this time in their life

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because it's the first time when you're preparing to go out

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and be a completely essentially new person it's kind of like a new year for you like how everyone gets

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so like reflective before the new year what didn't work what

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do I want to change what's not coming with me that I think is

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the exact same thinking

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that goes on around the time before people go off to uni for the first time

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and for me I had a similar experience which I don't know if this is going to shed any light on

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anyone's situation but when I first went to uni being

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that age I was so intense and I was

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so critical of myself in a way

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that I like to think I'm not now like

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if there was something that I used to do

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that I either don't do anymore or didn't want to do anymore at

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that age I would be like

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that old thing I used to do was completely wrong

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and crazy and I'm never doing it again

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and anyone who does it is completely insane kind of how like sometimes

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when I learn a new fact I'm like anyone who doesn't know this is a fucking idiot

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and it's like bitch you love

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that three seconds ago I guilty to this day probably will always be guilty of doing

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that love it I love it but that's how I was about everything

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when I was 18 and going to uni like exacerbated

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that for me a lot and what I found was

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when I first went there were certain things

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that just fell away about my personality

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because there weren't people who brought those certain traits out in me anymore

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or those certain things out I then looked at them as like an older worse version of me

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because I thought that I was a lot more grown now

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and therefore much more correct than I used to be but

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so I remember after the first after my first year of

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uni there would be a lot of times where I would come home

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and I would see my old friends and they would I would

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when you go to uni

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and you form a new personhood a new life a new

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set of habits a new set of friends a new everything you literally can reinvent yourself

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and even if you don't intend to you just do

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because there's so many new contexts for you to exist in

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when you do that and you do it quickly

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and you do it not for a long period of time even three

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or four years of uni is not a long period of time to cement this new person you become

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so let's say you go to uni and you're there for a few months

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or you're preparing to go to uni even

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and you have these ideas about who you're going to be

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and what you're not going to be that person is

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so fragile it doesn't mean that they're not real but like for

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that person to really be you you have to exist as them for a lot longer like you it takes

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so much time to truly become the newer version of you

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and so even though you can embody that new version of you

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because you're in a new place with new people

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or you're just not in the old place with the old people

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that doesn't mean that when you go back to the old place with the old people

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that that old muscle memory of who you used to be isn't

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so much stronger than who you become when you go away does

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that make sense and I think that for me was disturbing for some reason like

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when I was 18 and I would come back from uni

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and I would slip back into my old routines my old

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habits my old friend groups my old sense of self it bugged the shit out of me

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because i was like i just don't want to be this

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anymore like i don't like who i become around these people

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and it's not

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that i was looking back there was nothing wrong with who i was around those people it just wasn't

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what I wanted to be at that time

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and what I wanted to be at that time was whatever I was when I was

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away from home that was who I preferred and

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that was who I thought was better and I was

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so opinionated at that age that like that was better

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and this was wrong and so I sort of not demonized

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but placed a bit of blame on the people from home

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who I would slip back into this old version of me around

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because I was like they're making me this person

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because they're speaking to me the way they spoke to me a year ago

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and they should know that it's not a year ago it's now

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and I'm not that person

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and I don't want to slip into these fucking ways of being around them

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and it's so hard for me not to and

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that just felt big for me at that age like

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and that's kind of fair like

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that is big like to feel like you're two separate people

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and not know why or how to stop being two separate people is like a lot

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and I actually

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that feeling led me to one of not it's not even

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a regret no it is a regret I hate saying regret

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because I don't want to criticize any of the things

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that got me to know what I know in the end

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but it makes me sad

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when I think about what I ended up doing what I

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ended up doing was one of my best friends from home who I would always see

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when I would go back and I would become this older version of me

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that I didn't want to be anymore I was like hey I don't want to be your friend anymore

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because I don't like who I am around you and

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that is such a heavy thing to say to someone

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and I didn't word it exactly like that I but it's

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that was the essence of what I said to her

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and I was I don't remember

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if we ever stopped being friends I think I just said like maybe I just communicated

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that that's how I was feeling I don't know if

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if we stopped being friends I think we did for a period of time

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but maybe I didn't end the friendship maybe it was just

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that we didn't really know how to be around each other after

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that after me saying that and in hindsight I do remember

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so clearly what I felt

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which was I don't know how to shift away from my old identity by being around this set of people

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because they expect this old identity of me

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and i don't know how to be firm enough in any other identity

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so i become the one that they know and

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that they speak to because that's who they know

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and since i don't know how to change that

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but i also don't want to be this person i'm just

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not going to be around these people now did any of those people do anything wrong in

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that situation obviously fucking not obviously fucking not and

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even if i had said hey you need to speak to the new me

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but that would have made no fuckies that's who who the fuck is

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that they don't fucking know that person i don't even fucking know

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that person enough to even present them with it I just knew I didn't like what I felt

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when I went in when I was in those spaces

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that makes sense and and interestingly that same friend who I sent

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that message to we ended up a few years later

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when I had matured a bit

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and we had presumably taken some time apart they also went to uni

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and we would probably see each other at Christmas we came back to each other

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and we really became friends again and I don't know

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if we ever really spoke about that message I don't know

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if I don't remember what actually happened after that I just know

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that there was a period of time where we didn't really speak

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and then we became friends again

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and she to this day is one of my best friends

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and she is my only hometown friend well that's not true there's a few others it's just

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that they don't live there anymore and to be fair neither as she

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but and i don't exactly know how we managed to maintain the friendship

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when i pushed her away for something

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that wasn't her fault there was a million other ways i could have gone about

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that but i was also 18 and so was she

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and things happen and i am so grateful

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that we came back to each other because i think

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that having friends who have been with you like your day ones are important

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and the more

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that you go through life i think the more people are

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drawn back to each other as long as there is still like a shared love

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and a shared set of values because you oh

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no idea who that was buzzed him in anyway shit

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but yeah i feel like i think that there's a lot of reasons

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that people can reject otherwise healthy friendships around

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that age is kind of my overarching point with

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that long fucking story is like if i had to

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if i was a third party between 18 -year -old me

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and 18 -year -old my best friend and I was looking at what was going on, could I have even thrown out a guess

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that would land anywhere near accurate as to why I was pushing away my best friend?

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No, no, the mind.

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wonders like the mind truly boggles like I think that people are

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so complex and you don't always know what they're thinking

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but around big transition ages

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and transition times like you've just finished school you're preparing to

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go to uni people call all sorts of things into question

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and they don't always go about it the right way

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that said you don't have to tolerate the fact

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that he's unable to give you the decency of any communication and

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that he is not ready to tell you what's going on

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for him maybe he doesn't know what's going on for him

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maybe he's depressed maybe he doesn't have the time like he says it it genuinely it could be

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so many different things that I think it's

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so hard to truly understand why people sometimes drift from us

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and I think that the nice thing is as life continues people do get drawn back together

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and as you grow up more and more

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and more you gain the ability to number one have hindsight into why you did certain things

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so even if he doesn't know right now and even

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if he does know can't communicate it to you that doesn't mean

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that there's not going to come a day where he looks back

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and says I'm really sorry that I distanced myself from you like

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that and I didn't ever tell you why I was actually going through the craziest thing

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and didn't know how to talk about it

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and sorry like hope is not lost you know it's not not everything I think is always

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so intentional like does he did he wake up one morning

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and think fucking hate this girl can't be asked don't need her anymore gonna stop talking to her like

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so possible but also there's a hundred other things there's a hundred other things

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that it could be and I think that the most important thing

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when something like this happens is to truly understand

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that sometimes we don't know why people don't want to be around us all the time anymore

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and a lot of the time

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if not most of the time it's probably not a lot to do with you

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which sucks low -key because it means

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that you may just have to wonder why did my friend fucking do

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that and you may not know ever you may know in a few years like

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but I think coming to terms with letting things end versus do I chase them is hard

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and it's something I struggle with I think sometimes you have to ask

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if it's truly worth it to you to know

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because sometimes you just have to let people have their experiences

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and understand that there's not always clarity in that for them

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and therefore there can't always be clarity in it for you

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and sometimes for reasons we might have an inkling toward

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or for reasons that we truly have no idea people just move away from us

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and I think nine times out of ten it's not

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because all of a sudden they don't like you I think usually there's something deeper like with me

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when I cut off my friend it was I didn't like myself I didn't like the version of myself

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that I would become in those old environments I didn't have

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an issue with any of my friends I just didn't know how to separate it

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and sometimes the only thing

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that friendships need is a bit of space friends can be seasonal

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which sucks I hate that like I'm not any more at peace with

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that than I the next bitch like what do you mean

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I love you I want you forever like I hate the concept

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that I could ever truly just not lose a friend through a fight

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but just not be friends with someone anymore because life like

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that sucks I don't fuck with that I'm not at ease with

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that I'm really not and I fully align with the belief

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that like you've got to let life flow through you

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and experiences aren't yours they're experiences and you pass through them

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and like this cycle of life

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and to not have to not feel like you own anything

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or anyone and to not feel like anything

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or anyone is too integral to your identity that you can't have them

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and then lose them and i think that accepting loss

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and endings is such an important part of life one

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that i am barely grappling with

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and haven't had too much life experience that's affronted me with those things

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so like i'm a newbie when it comes to like friendships end

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and people go away i don't like that i don't that's not

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that can't be true it can't be true like i really struggle with

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that but I understand the theology behind like

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that is the best way to live life like that's how life should be lived I agree

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when it's in practice though no I don't agree I don't

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think that's correct I think everyone should stay with me for like really I do I don't think it's okay

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that any of my friends would ever go anywhere you know

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but it is true unfortunately I don't like it

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but i i do think that the more that we can accept that as long as we are

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reasonably self -aware and good people and are aware

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that there was probably nothing major that we did to make a friendship stop working

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or stop being then that is just ultimately the natural progression of life people are

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so complex that you don't always know why they don't want to hang out anymore you don't always know

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if it's because they got something going on or

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if they don't resonate with you because they changed

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and you didn't expect that kind of change or

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because you make them feel like something they used to feel like

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and they're trying to get rid of that feeling or

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if they're depressed or if they're overwhelmed or

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if they're secretly in love with you like you could just never know

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and that is scary but I think

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that it is part of a bigger process of affirming your like identity to yourself as well

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because the way people act toward us obviously feels like a direct reflection on who we are right

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but while that can be true obviously it also is moments like these

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that make you look inward and assess your part in things

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and if you had a part to play in

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that friendships break down and if not it's a lot easier

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if the person will give you this closure but

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if they don't then you have to become even more self -assured

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that that you are deserving of friendship and

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that you know why you do and say the things you do

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and that you know why you treat people the way you do

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and that you know why you past mistakes you've made things you want to change things

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that you like about yourself

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that you think this is a good thing about me I

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do this right I treat my friends well like all of these things like experiences

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experiences like this that shake us

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and make you think like why is this person treating me

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like this is ultimately although violently unpleasant a good experience

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because it's one of those little things

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that makes you become at the end of it hopefully more self -assured

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or and more self -aware but like am I making any sense

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and that leads me kind of onto my next point is that I got an email

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talking about how to stop being how to stop fearing being perceived

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and I love this topic right now

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because I was like talking about this I feel like recently

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where I I was I can't remember what episode it was

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but I was talking about like how I was really always afraid of rejection

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and I didn't even know that I was someone who was afraid of rejection

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but I was once I became aware of it I was like oh shit I'm

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so afraid of rejection that I've never even done anything to be rejected

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and that's how I didn't know that I don't like rejection

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because I've never even really been rejected

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because I never let myself do anything to ever be rejected

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and that kind of I keep spitting

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that kind of surprised me about myself actually it was kind of very tea

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but it changed my life as well

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because I was saying like who the fuck am I

480

so scared of like and I could name people

481

that I was scared of oh they're gonna say this oh they're gonna think

482

that okay I understand that that's scary if they think

483

but do you give a fuck does it change anything are

484

you willing to not ever try to get the thing

485

that you want because of how bad you would feel

486

if this person said that you look stupid and if

487

that is the price you're willing to pay fine sit on your ass for the rest of your life

488

but if it's not then risk rejection please because I'm bored as hell

489

that was kind of my thinking process around rejection recently

490

and it was a very liberating one and so

491

when this person wrote in and was like how do I stop being

492

so afraid of being perceived it got me thinking how do you stop being afraid of being perceived

493

and I think that the best way to stop is to realize

494

that you will never perceive another person truly correctly you will probably also never perceive yourself truly correctly

495

and no one will ever perceive you truly correctly either one of the things

496

that I was insecure about as a kid for example I thought everyone knew what I knew about me

497

which was that I was too skinny

498

and clothes didn't look good on me I thought this was a fact

499

and I was specifically very jealous of girls who looked a

500

very specific type of way not jealous in like a mean way

501

but like I just wanted clothes to fit me like

502

that a great example was my childhood best friend we wore school uniform

503

and so we would wear the same clothes every day

504

and the way that her uniform fit her mine never fit me like

505

that and I loved her legs because mind you we're like seven years old

506

but like she was a football player

507

and she had like more muscle than I did and I was

508

so insecure of how skinny I was as a kid

509

and I hated the way clothes looked on me

510

and I always felt so stupid in a skirt

511

but we had to wear skirts for school or dresses I fucking hate

512

that shit and I look back at pictures of me now as a kid I had I remember

513

so clearly exactly what kind of shape I wanted my body to have I literally looked exactly like

514

that like exact I had exactly what I wanted I don't

515

know what I was seeing or why I was seeing what I was seeing

516

and I was very skinny as a kid

517

but I looked nothing like how I thought I looked in

518

my head literally nothing like it I had exactly what I wanted

519

and I had no idea in fact I looked quite cool

520

and I understand that kids perceptions of cool is just fucking crazy

521

but I know what I perceived as cool as a kid

522

and I literally looked like that

523

and I thought I was just the most the biggest embarrassment

524

to ever walk the earth I thought everything I did was insane

525

and stupid and just seen through this lens of the way I saw myself

526

which I took to be a complete fact about myself I thought everyone obviously understood this too

527

and none of it was true and

528

that was the craziest fucking thing for me to realize ever

529

because I recently found a bunch of old pictures

530

and videos from the camcorder that I fucking apparently had as a kid

531

and I literally looked exactly how I wanted to look

532

so crazy and because I didn't believe at all

533

that I looked like that the way I moved through the world was as

534

if I was completely someone else like it in it influenced

535

every single thing I said how shy I was how silly I felt how people would say something to me

536

and I would take it in the way I took it

537

at any given moment through the lens of who I thought I was who I thought they were speaking to

538

which was some pathetic uncool super super skinny weird freak child

539

that was how I thought I was now looking back they obviously didn't think

540

that about me and was I an odd child in my personality absolutely

541

is that just because of the way I thought I looked no this shit's bone deep

542

but like did it add to it

543

yes because I thought I was such an outcast I thought I was the biggest freakazoid ever

544

and I wasn't and

545

that influenced the way I acted for my entire first half of my life

546

because that was what I believed and what you believe is just your perception right

547

and how wrong I was like that's

548

so interesting to me to this day I wonder how different I would be

549

if I saw myself in even just as part of the way

550

that I now know is more accurate for how I really looked without the lens of insecurity

551

and the terrors of childhood weighing upon me at all times and for some reason that

552

realization that was mind -blowing to me

553

because it was almost part of my idea i mean it was part of my identity

554

that that was a fact about me

555

and as a kid i was looked crazy and was super weird

556

and everyone knew that and then i looked back at these pictures

557

and i was like that wasn't true but

558

that is how i moved through the world and so

559

that was my experience of the world

560

but it wasn't everyone else's experience of me does that make sense

561

and I was like how can I be

562

that wrong about myself I was looking at me every day in the mirror I was in my own flesh

563

and bones how could I have been

564

so wrong about everything about myself like complete body dysmorphia like at the age of seven is crazy

565

and I'm not saying I'm like sad about those experiences at all I actually think

566

that that was great character building for me but how interesting

567

that that is just how weirdly wrong your perception of yourself can be

568

and it can change the entire trajectory of your life that's wild

569

and so it got me thinking if I could have been

570

that wrong then what the fuck am I wrong about now

571

and I dropped so much of my judgment on myself

572

and my perception on myself literally since then

573

because sometimes now I will just think something about myself

574

that i just think is true it's just my opinion it's opinion space

575

and it's just like a feeling it's a they're all feelings i have about myself beliefs

576

that i have about myself that i don't even

577

necessarily even have words

578

that go with it's just like well this is how i feel about this

579

and this is how i do this and

580

or this is the way i am ever

581

or this is something that's true about me every time i thought

582

that since i'm like that might not be true hey wait

583

that might not be true which was so freeing

584

because I was like what if nothing I know about myself is accurate what

585

if the amount of perception I have about myself is awfully wrong

586

and how freeing is that because there are so many people

587

that could perceive me in so many different ways

588

and I have already accepted that sometimes they'll be somewhat right

589

or I will think they're right sometimes they'll be dead wrong

590

or what I think is dead wrong but how often am I even correct and

591

if I could see myself there is no such thing as seeing yourself with a fresh set of eyes right

592

because in order to perceive something to see something

593

and to understand it you have to have language capability you have to have cognition

594

and if you're a person with cognition and language capability in order to put sense to the things that you see, right, to perceive.

595

then you also have to have grown up in a culture

596

that taught you the language that taught you the language

597

and you have to get to an age where your brain

598

has developed for those two abilities to have developed to the

599

point where you can successfully perceive anything the amount of worldly

600

experience the amount of bias the amount of internalized opinions of

601

others biases of others of your own of your there is

602

no way to form the ability to perceive without also having formed

603

so many lenses through which you see everything

604

so there's no such thing as a fresh set of eyes

605

or a completely unbiased set of eyes in terms of I wonder what someone would perceive of me

606

if they've never seen me before they've seen a million things before they've seen you

607

so they're not seeing you for the first time they're seeing everything they've ever seen before and using

608

that to contextualize what they see in you there's no way to remove worldly experience bias understanding context from

609

that because in order to have the ability to have seen you in the first place

610

that has to exist so there's no one

611

that can objectively view you no one on earth right

612

that can objectively tell you a truth about yourself because

613

because of everything I just said everyone has to have already formed a language model

614

which even if you formed a language model in a room with no fucking windows

615

and nothing on the walls well number one that can't happen

616

and number two biases in the language itself right and

617

and also that doesn't it's not there's no one like

618

that that's unethical okay I think they tried that shit in the 80s

619

and it did not fly so but like

620

when you can understand just how much context goes into perception you've got to take it less fucking seriously at that point

621

because number one you can never predict someone's perception of you

622

number two they will never be there will never be an objectively true perception of you okay

623

and there is reality in all of this right like everyone needs to always have a grounding in reality just

624

because no one's perception of you will ever be completely correct doesn't mean someone can walk up to you

625

and say that your skin is blue

626

when it's not blue right there's certain perceptions that we can all make

627

that we can all agree on

628

because we're all people who have our feet on the ground

629

that makes sense like you can't just start throwing shit at the wall

630

and saying it's opinions based and therefore it's as true as the next obviously not

631

but like to truly be perceived in the ways

632

that we are feared of like to be perceived as a try hard maybe

633

or as untalented or unskilled or desperate or annoying

634

or unfunny any of the bad things that that maybe

635

when we think of oh my god how are they perceiving

636

me right now too vulnerable not vulnerable enough like whatever those things how much can it truly matter

637

when when you can't even begin to review the data with

638

which they've made that judgment do you know what i mean like

639

and i think that the the ways we perceive ourselves like can just be

640

so wrong and I think that like if I was to sit here

641

and be like well I perceive myself as quite shit socially like defo not the life of the party

642

and I don't mesh in new groups that easily like

643

that would be true in my lived experience I will stand on

644

that but again that's my lived experience

645

which has lived through lenses I have accumulated through 26 years of life

646

and sometimes we like to think that we're smart enough

647

and objective enough people to be able to make statements with a certain level of certainty

648

that I'm bad socially but

649

when you actually think about all of the all of the data

650

that has gone into me making that judgment on myself still doesn't make it

651

that true because why

652

because maybe someone else in the same room where I'm thinking

653

god I'm making an absolute shit up of this maybe they're thinking god I wish I was more like

654

that because in their opinion they speak too much

655

and they think I'm annoying in social situations because I speak too much

656

and this person knows how to only speak occasionally and it's

657

so much more pleasant

658

and endearing than me who speaks too much like you never know how someone else perceives themselves

659

and therefore how you reflect back qualities they want

660

or don't want you don't know the lenses

661

that they have on the things that you do

662

and who's more right the person who thinks that you're quite good socially

663

and they'd like to be more like you socially

664

or you who thinks you're quite bad socially

665

and quite awkward you're both people with brains and souls

666

and spirits and you're both sane and in reality so who's right

667

neither of you the truth is somewhere in between not even

668

in between it's up i don't know where it is it's

669

not attainable bitch i've tried trust me i've tried i take surveys and shit

670

but like do you understand why i'm saying is like fuck

671

perception is what i'm saying it's not worth anything it's not worth anything

672

but the enjoyment of it to learn more about other people's

673

perception to learn more about yours to see how it can

674

change to challenge it to ask why does this exist

675

but to fear it it's not a concrete enough thing to fear does

676

that make sense it's not factual it's

677

so intricately developed it often has nothing to really even do with you

678

because how much of the world do you see

679

and how much words that aren't yours do you hear

680

that create your concepts opinions your knowledge your worldview versus your

681

own everything is up everything is up for changing I think

682

when it comes to perception

683

and to fear being perceived is to fear being alive like

684

there's no way out of it people are going to perceive you in unpredictable ways in ways that

685

very often have nothing to do with you you're going to perceive you in ways

686

that very often have nothing to do with you you're both

687

going to be right you're both going to be wrong

688

but you should never take your own perception of yourself as a fact I don't think

689

and certainly the fear of perception is an interesting thing

690

because to fear being perceived in a specific way you're anticipating

691

that people are going to perceive you in that specific way

692

which means you perceive yourself in that specific way

693

because perception being as niche of a thing as personal of

694

a thing as it is as big of a projection as

695

it often is you cannot reasonably predict anyone's perception of anything

696

so to fear perception a specific type of perception to fear

697

that you are predicting it which probably means it's more your perception than anyone else's

698

which is great because you can work with

699

that you can work with it and you can say is this true if they thought this about me

700

if ever if they thought this about me if someone watched me

701

and thought this thing about me why would that thing feel

702

so bad why am I so scared of someone thinking

703

that about me do I think that about myself and if

704

that thing about me is for all intents

705

and purposes true what do I do

706

and that's a fun game to play on a Saturday night with your friends

707

or by yourself

708

and perception in my opinion at least is also a bit

709

like a fun it's like a fun addition to a video game because

710

if we look at this shit this life like a video

711

game your perception the perception others have on you whilst I

712

don't think it's something you can ever truly control it is something

713

that you can play with and work with and investigate your own perception

714

and other people's perceptions because it's

715

so not concrete there's like endless possibilities it to fear it

716

is to miss out on a hugely fun part of life don't be scared of it that's my advice

717

and if you are scared of it

718

that is I dare to say all you

719

because there's also nothing wrong with being viewed as a fucking moron

720

so what villain arc like who cares are you a moron no do people see you

721

that way let's say yeah okay well

722

if you're not a moron then get her work have some fun no you're not gonna die

723

because someone thinks you're a moron as long as you're not a moron you're probably not gonna die

724

so again until defeat no until death or defeat psychological bitch

725

and so anyways oh i I have three minutes left on my two -hour timer.

726

I set a two -hour timer because two hours ago, well, nearly two hours ago, it'll be two hours and two minutes and 44 seconds.

727

My assistant left my apartment to run errands and she will soon be back to run more errands from inside the apartment.

728

We're going to get back to work with cleaning my spare room out, because it's not finished.

729

And then what else are we going to do?

730

If I finish this podcast before she gets back, because I don't know where she's at right now.

731

If I finish this podcast before she gets back, I'm going to have a bit of free time to work on my puzzle, which is over there on the floor i'm very excited about

732

it she got me a puzzle my assistant's name is emma get to know

733

and she got me a puzzle for my birthday it's

734

so cute and it's cats in like a butt it's actually such a sick puzzle

735

but if you know then i'm still working on my yoshimoto nara puzzle wait why does

736

that feel like the wrong word yoshitomo nara paku yoshitomo yoshitomo

737

nara i'm still working on my yoshitomo a Nara puzzle it's

738

so hard because I've done her face

739

and then she's just in like a green and black night sky

740

and so I'm currently trying to place together a series of just green

741

and black fucking puzzle pieces and it is really fucking hard

742

but stupidly so I keep my puzzle underneath my coffee table

743

because it's like the only protected place to keep it unless I'm pulling out to work on it Ow, hello.

744

that really hurt but then I got ahead of myself

745

and I really wanted to start the new puzzle

746

that she got me for my birthday because the other one is

747

so fucking hard and I can't finish it

748

but now I have nowhere to store this new one

749

so it's just a mess on my floor

750

so I need to finish my Yoshimoto Nara one

751

and then I have the glue so I can stick it together

752

and it'll be a piece of art

753

and then I'm gonna hang it on the wall

754

so I really need to finish it

755

because then I'll have a cool piece of art

756

and somewhere else to store my new puzzle right now I

757

just have a big mess on my hands guys a big

758

mess okay I'm gonna go I'm gonna go do my puzzle

759

and I'm gonna maybe read some more very smart love you guys

760

so much thanks for listening to this week's episode pretty lonesome I hope you have a splendid day love you

761

so much whatever you're doing thank you for listening

762

and I actually do love you so fucking much by the way

763

when I was reading some email submissions and like writing in this earlier

764

when I was planning the episode and thinking about how much I love Millie

765

and thinking about how much I love

766

that Gracie Abrams live lounge version I was also think about how much I love you guys

767

because not to get like you know gay

768

but like every time I meet someone that says

769

that they watch this podcast they're the nicest person ever

770

and whenever I read your guys's like email submissions for like the advice episodes

771

and stuff my alarm's going oh excuse me you're just

772

so you're you're just they're so they're

773

so like I don't know I they're just always written with

774

so much like innocence and like it's just everyone one is

775

so cute and i see a lot of the emails as well

776

that are unrelated to the advice episodes people just send in stuff sometimes

777

and i read a lot of them after i did an

778

episode where i was talking about wanting to learn every language in the world

779

so that i can describe concepts that i don't know about yet with languages

780

that have words for concepts i don't know about yet one person sent me this email

781

and it's called hold on i literally like shitted my pants

782

when i saw this email where did it go it said

783

untranslatable words dear Madeline in your podcast episode you talked about

784

how some words in different languages are used to describe certain concepts

785

that English doesn't have a word for I found it really funny

786

that my current read does share some words that are not translatable

787

so here they are and it's from a fiction novel named The Someday Garden

788

so I might buy this book but it also feels a bit like cheating

789

because I quite liked my life mission this is a cheat code

790

but I thought that was such a nice email to receive

791

and I literally like stared at it for so long

792

and then someone else wrote me an email about words in

793

their language let me try find it now my wi -fi doesn't work love someone else sent me an email

794

that said words I like in my language their mother tongue is Turkish

795

and then they sent me a list of their favorite words in Turkish

796

that describe things that we don't have maybe in English

797

and I just thought that was

798

so kind like someone took the time to send me those emails

799

and I love you guys they am going getting emotional

800

and stuff I'm not even during my period or anything actually I am

801

but why am I so happy strange super strange

802

so anyways that's all from me I love you guys

803

so much thanks for listening I see you same time same

804

place next week let me know how we feel about the setup again I'm warming to this area

805

but the thing is I have to sit on my feet to be tall enough

806

and a cushion and that is bothersome to me

807

because I can't feel my feet right now I'm like my

808

knees are bent I'm on my feet they are completely dead

809

to me I love you guys I'll see you next week

810

same time same place probably I there you go bye guys

811

thanks for listening love you it's gonna actually take me a

812

sec to get up hold on fucking hell oh god okay bye

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אוצר מילים והערות הגייה לשיעור הזה

שיעור הדיבור הזה ברמה B2 מבוסס על הסרטון “why i'm not scared of being perceived anymore // EP 110”. בסרטון הזה יש 812 משפטים ו-9468 מילים לתרגול Shadowing. הדיבור נמשך 48:20. הדובר מדבר מהר, כ-196 מילים בדקה, אז צפו לצלילים מחוברים ומקוצרים. 85% מהמילים נמצאות בין 3,000 המילים הנפוצות ביותר באנגלית; כדאי ללמוד את השאר לפני שמתחילים.

אוצר מילים מרכזי בסרטון הזה

15 המילים המתקדמות ביותר בסרטון, עם ההגייה והמשמעות שלהן:

מילה	הגייה	משמעות
perception שם עצם	/pɚˈsɛpʃ(ə)n/	תפיסה, קליטה
puzzle שם עצם	/ˈpʌzəl/	חִידָה
podcast שם עצם	/ˈpɑdˌkæst/	פּוֹדְקַאסְט, הֶסְכֵּת
lens שם עצם	/lɛnz/	עֲדָשָׁה
annoy פועל	/əˈnoɪ̯/	הֵצִיק
skinny שם תואר	/ˈskɪni/	רָזֶה
bias שם עצם	/ˈbaɪ.əs/	נטייה, הטיה
cognition שם עצם	/kɑɡˈnɪʃ.ən/	הכרה
errand שם עצם	/ˈɛɹənd/	שְׁלִיחוּת
worldly שם תואר	/ˈwɜː(ɹ)ldli/	גשמי, חילוני
timer שם עצם	/ˈtaɪmɚ/	טיימר
scent שם עצם	/sɛnt/	ריח
clarity שם עצם	/ˈklæɹ.ɪ.ti/	בהירות
insert פועל	/ɪnˈsɝt/	לְהַכְנִיס
cheat פועל	/ˈt͡ʃiːt/	רימה

Phrasal verbs שתשמעו

מילה	הגייה	משמעות
get up פועל		קָם
wake up פועל	/ˌweɪk ˈʌp/	התעורר
give up פועל		וִתֵּר
go out פועל		יָצָא
grow up פועל		גָּדַל

דקדוק בסרטון הזה

המבנים שהדובר משתמש בהם הכי הרבה, עם המילים המדויקות מהסרטון:

מבנה	בסרטון
“Used to” used to + verb — הרגל או מצב שהיה נכון בעבר וכבר לא קיים	used to do · used to be · used to feel
משפטי תנאי (Conditional sentences) if + clause, will/would + verb — תנאי ותוצאה שלו	if they don't I will sue · if the person will give
הווה מושלם (Present perfect) have/has + past participle — פעולה שקרתה בעבר ועדיין יש לה חשיבות או השפעה עכשיו	I've just been · I've been · I've ever felt
סביל (Passive voice) be + past participle — הדגש הוא על מה שקורה, לא על מי שעושה את הפעולה	was just sat · is just clearly not targeted · wasn't masked

הגייה ששווה לשים לב אליה

הדובר משתמש ב-307 קיצורים וצורות מקוצרות, כמו don't, I'm, you're. אמרו אותם בצורה הקצרה, כפי שאתם שומעים אותם.

הצלילים של “th”: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, pathetic /pəˈθɛtɪk/
הצלילים של “sh” ו-“zh”: perception /pɚˈsɛpʃ(ə)n/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, socially /ˈsoʊʃəli/, submission /səbˈmɪʃən/, cognition /kɑɡˈnɪʃ.ən/
מילים ארוכות — שימו לב להטעמה: objectively /əbˈd͡ʒɛktɪvli/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, reasonably /ˈɹiː.zən.ə.bli/, capability /ˌkeɪ.pəˈbɪl.ɪ.ti/, presumably /pɹɪˈzuːməbli/

צלילים שדוברי עברית מתקשים בהם:

/w/ — שפתיים מעוגלות, לא /v/: overwhelm /ˌoʊ.vɚˈwɛlm/, worldly /ˈwɜː(ɹ)ldli/, anyways /ˈɛn.iˌweɪz/, sweat /swɛt/, halfway /ˌhæfˈweɪ/
/æ/ — פתוח יותר מה-“אֶ” העברית, לא כמו “a” ב-“cup”: podcast /ˈpɑdˌkæst/, clarity /ˈklæɹ.ɪ.ti/, patch /pæt͡ʃ/, passport /ˈpæspɔɹt/, halfway /ˌhæfˈweɪ/
/r/ — הלשון לא נוגעת בשום מקום, לא ה-“ר” הגרונית: rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, errand /ˈɛɹənd/, worldly /ˈwɜː(ɹ)ldli/, insecure /ɪnsəˈkjʊɹ/, clarity /ˈklæɹ.ɪ.ti/

איך לתרגל עם הסרטון הזה

הקשיבו לכל הסרטון פעם אחת בלי לדבר, ורשמו את המילים שאתם לא מכירים.
התחילו במהירות 0.75×, תרגלו Shadowing משפט אחר משפט, וחזרו למהירות רגילה כשזה מרגיש קל.
הקליטו את עצמכם והשוו למקור, תוך תשומת לב למילים כמו perception, puzzle, podcast.

מהי טכניקת השאדואינג?

שאדואינג היא טכניקת למידת שפה מבוססת מדע שפותחה במקור להכשרת מתורגמנים מקצועיים ופופולרית על ידי הפוליגלוט ד"ר אלכסנדר ארגואלס. השיטה פשוטה אך עוצמתית: אתה מקשיב לאודיו באנגלית ילידית וחוזר עליו בקול רם מיד — כמו צל העוקב אחרי הדובר עם עיכוב של 1–2 שניות בלבד. בניגוד להאזנה פסיבית או תרגילי דקדוק, שאדואינג מכריח את המוח והשרירים בפה לעבד ולשחזר דפוסי דיבור אמיתיים בו זמנית. מחקרים מראים שזה משפר משמעותית את דיוק ההגייה, האינטונציה, הקצב, הדיבור המחובר, הבנת השמיעה ושטף הדיבור — מה שהופך אותו לאחת השיטות היעילות ביותר להכנה לIELTS Speaking ולתקשורת באנגלית בעולם האמיתי.

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