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1
Morning.
2
Morning.
3
Hey, Berta.
4
You're a woman.
5
Where are we going with this, Zippy?
6
I was just wondering, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
7
Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
8
Right.
9
Thanks.
10
What happened?
11
Did you get yourself a weeper?
12
Yeah.
13
Yeah, last night.
14
I've never seen anything like it before.
15
That's hard to believe.
16
I got it.
17
Hello?
18
Oh, hey, Mom.
19
How are you?
20
Yeah, that was fun last night.
21
No, I'm not doing anything.
22
Why?
23
Sure.
24
I'd love to go shopping with you.
25
Great.
26
I'll see you then.
27
What?
28
Nothing.
29
Hey, hey, Mom's not that bad.
30
In fact, she's kind of fun to hang out with.
31
That has to be the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
32
You know, I said the same thing to myself just a couple minutes ago.
33
Sure you can't stay for dinner?
34
Oh, I'd love to, sweetie, but Teddy's back in town, and Mommy plans to get laid tonight.
35
Good for you.
36
Please, give him my best.
37
Only after I give him my best.
38
Hello?
39
Oh, hi, Alan.
40
Don't forget your little gifty.
41
You bought him a gifty?
42
Just my way of saying thank you for taking me to lunch.
43
You took her to lunch?
44
I must have gained five pounds.
45
Oh, stop.
46
You have a terrific figure.
47
Thank you. Are you high?
48
It never hurts to pay a compliment to someone you care about.
49
Yeah, you should try it once in a while.
50
It might cut down on that post -coital weeping.
51
How did you know about that?
52
Berta told me, I told Mom.
53
Your brother and I don't have any secrets.
54
Maybe I'm lying.
55
Okay, well, I must be off.
56
Places to go, houses to sell, new widows to cold call.
57
Oh, oh, that reminds me.
58
Uh, Charlie, some woman named Margaret called looking for you.
59
Margaret?
60
Oh, yeah.
61
Honeymoon Margaret from last night.
62
Charlie, the woman's husband is one of my biggest clients.
63
Oh, Mom.
64
Please, I'm not asking as your mother.
65
I'm asking as your friend.
66
All right.
67
As a friend, hands off.
68
Thank you, darling.
69
I love you.
70
See you, Alan.
71
Guess I'll just throw this away.
72
What?
73
You're not gonna call her, are you?
74
Well, it's a bit of a dilemma.
75
On the one hand, there's this beautiful, available woman.
76
She's married.
77
But according to Mom, not a fanatic about it.
78
So, am I the kind of guy who would go back
79
on his word to his own mother just for a really hot one -night stand?
80
Is that a rhetorical question?
81
Tell you what.
82
We'll leave it to chance.
83
If I miss, I'll take the high road.
84
If it goes in, I'll call Margaret.
85
I guess it's fate.
86
Hey, Charlie, would you see who that is?
87
It's death.
88
Hi, Mom.
89
Your gardener left this in the driveway.
90
There's no gardener.
91
It was a girl with a grudge.
92
So how was your friend's funeral?
93
Oh, terribly disappointing.
94
Yeah, in my experience, nothing kills a party like a dead broad in a box.
95
Don't be glib, Charlie.
96
Hello, Alan.
97
Oh, hey, Mom.
98
Wow, you look nice.
99
Yes, morning becomes me, doesn't it?
100
If only more of my friends would die.
101
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
102
Charlie, as long as you're over there, make
103
Mommy a drink.
104
It's been a very depressing afternoon.
105
Thanks for spreading it around.
106
Can you believe two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral?
107
And the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes about his mother all throughout the service.
108
You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?
109
And it wasn't just the children.
110
The crowd was very sparse, and there was...
111
Virtually no mourning.
112
Well, that's understandable, isn't it?
113
You said no one really liked this woman.
114
Oh, she was a hateful shrew, but still.
115
Fortunately, I was able to draw on my theater background and work up a good cry.
116
Sense memory.
117
I remember the time I wasn't cast as Blanche DuBois in Streetcar.
118
You're a good friend, Mom.
119
I know.
120
I'm just glad that when my time comes, I won't have such a humiliating send -off.
121
Right?
122
Yeah, sure, sure.
123
Of course, yes.
124
Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.
125
Even fake tears can ruin one's mascara.
126
Speaking of which, whoever did Cynthia's makeup should be shot and buried beside her.
127
She looked like a varnished clown.
128
You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you? Of course.
129
As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the steak.
130
Typical.
131
Nothing for Alan to do.
132
Okay.
133
You can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
134
What are you doing?
135
Leaving before Mom gets out of the bathroom.
136
I thought we were taking her to dinner.
137
I can't listen to her anymore.
138
It just blows my mind that she can go on
139
and on about her toxic friend's sad little funeral when we both know she's gonna end up exactly the same way.
140
I don't disagree, but there's an option to running away from her.
141
Yeah, but we'd get caught and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.
142
We could tell her the truth.
143
That she's just as toxic as her late friend and that that's the way she's gonna be remembered. Are you on crack?
144
Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
145
If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people.
146
What are we gonna say, Alan?
147
Hey, Mom, you're a crazy she -bat, and the only way people will come to your funeral is
148
if your delighted son's turning into a three -day beer bash with go -go dancers.
149
Well, we wouldn't start there.
150
All right.
151
Cynthia's in the ground.
152
My face is on.
153
I look stunning in black.
154
Let's go to dinner.
155
Just follow my lead.
156
Um, Mom?
157
Yes, dear?
158
Alan thinks you're a crazy she -bat and no one will mourn at your funeral either.
159
We're telling you this because we love you.
160
Okay, let me get this straight.
161
Angie's son is engaged to that woman who you used to be involved with who now wants you back?
162
Scorecards.
163
Can't tell the players without the scorecards.
164
Yeah, what am I going to do?
165
I know what I'd do.
166
Yeah, three pumps and an apology.
167
What?
168
You got another move I ain't heard about?
169
Okay, forget about what I do.
170
That woman is gorgeous.
171
How could you possibly pass that up?
172
Easy.
173
I care about Angie.
174
Forget about Angie.
175
You don't need Angie.
176
You're just trying to sabotage my relationship so you can have Angie.
177
What?
178
No!
179
No!
180
No!
181
No!
182
Come on, look at her.
183
She's young, needy, and vulnerable.
184
Go fetch.
185
No, no, it's not worth it.
186
I'm not going to screw things up with Angie.
187
Who's going to tell her?
188
I'm not going to tell her.
189
That's not the point.
190
Okay, think about this.
191
In a few years, Tricia will be, what, 29?
192
Angie's going to be 60.
193
You're looking at grandkids, liver spots, and a dusty bowl of hard candy.
194
I don't like any of those.
195
Of course you don't.
196
Nobody does.
197
Go ahead, do it.
198
Defile her.
199
There you are.
200
Oh, thanks.
201
Listen, Tricia, you know how I feel about you.
202
We had some great times together.
203
Huh, remember Vegas?
204
Oh, yeah.
205
We didn't leave the room for three days.
206
Oh, yeah.
207
Of course, I couldn't leave because I made you tie me to the bed.
208
Oh, yeah.
209
Do you ever hear from the other two girls?
210
Oh, yeah.
211
Look, this isn't a good idea.
212
You need to go.
213
But can't we just talk a little more?
214
If we could just talk, you wouldn't need to go.
215
Charlie.
216
Trust me.
217
Jeremy is a great guy, and he obviously loves you.
218
I say give him a chance.
219
What if you and I had just one last fling?
220
One last fling.
221
Yeah, and we'll go back to Vegas.
222
This time I'll tie you up.
223
You really need to go.
224
Bye -bye.
225
Wait, wait.
226
Bye -bye.
227
It's not too late.
228
You can still have her.
229
I'm not listening.
230
You could do it in her car.
231
How hot is that?
232
I can't hear you.
233
It's dirty in a car.
234
Okay, I just checked.
235
No one slept in my bed all night.
236
It's none of your business who slept where.
237
Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
238
Let it go, Goldilocks.
239
Morning.
240
Morning.
241
And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
242
I wasn't counting.
243
I was four.
244
Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.
245
Well, there's your problem.
246
Stop topping off the tank.
247
What's going on?
248
I had to sleep in Dad's room last night because Uncle Charlie invited
249
Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
250
Got it.
251
Wait, do you think it's fair?
252
Nothing about your Uncle Charlie's life is fair, Ken.
253
Finish your breakfast.
254
I've got to get you fitted for a tux.
255
Why do I have to wear a tuxedo?
256
Because your mother's getting married and you're in the wedding party.
257
Why do I have to be in the wedding party?
258
Because your mother still thinks you're cute.
259
Morning.
260
Morning.
261
Everybody get a good night's sleep?
262
No. Hello.
263
So, Charlie, where's this house guest I'm hearing about?
264
Uh, gee, I guess she's probably still asleep in Jake's room.
265
Oh, please, you are such a liar.
266
What?
267
Forget it, Charlie.
268
We know.
269
You do?
270
We do.
271
Okay, well, I got a good night's sleep.
272
Probably because Aunt Mayer doesn't pee a lot.
273
Can I talk with you in private?
274
Oh, come on.
275
It's no big deal.
276
I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she is sitting on my bed
277
He doesn't need to hear this fine
278
Like I didn't hear enough last night
279
Okay, uh, let me just start by saying I applaud the gusto with which you approach life.
280
Thank you Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your freaking mind?
281
Beg your pardon?
282
You just could not control yourself.
283
A female's in the house.
284
She must be mounted.
285
No, it's not like that at all.
286
And why do you even care?
287
Why?
288
You ask me why?
289
Never mind.
290
Not important.
291
I will tell you why.
292
because every time you rut with any woman, even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering.
293
Oh, that's ridiculous.
294
Ridiculous, you say?
295
All right, all right, let's, uh, let's look at the record.
296
Um, you slept with Judith's sister...
297
Oh, yeah, but...
298
At my wedding reception!
299
All right, poor timing.
300
You had more sex on my wedding day than I did.
301
That part's not my fault.
302
Okay, okay.
303
Let's jump ahead.
304
When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?
305
Now, hold on.
306
That chick was nuts.
307
I lost everything.
308
To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with. And now...
309
that Judith is finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel.
310
You decide, hey, why don't I start humping her new sister -in -law?
311
That is not how it happened.
312
I don't care how it happened.
313
I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for me.
314
How?
315
Explain how.
316
I don't know yet.
317
That's always part of the fun.
318
Trying to guess how your penis is gonna bite me in the ass.
319
Alan, you gotta believe me here.
320
This is different.
321
I really like Myra.
322
Oh, you like all of them. And then you don't.
323
Now, what's gonna happen when you get tired of this poor girl?
324
Morning.
325
Morning.
326
Morning.
327
Boy, I slept great.
328
Jake's bed is really comfortable.
329
Don't bother.
330
He knows.
331
No. Boy, I slept great.
332
Charlie's a terrific lover.
333
Oh, this one's gonna be bad.
334
My God, Alan, I can't believe you're sleeping with Lindsay McElroy.
335
You're sleeping with Lindsay McElroy?
336
My man.
337
How could you do that?
338
Yeah, how?
339
Don't leave anything out.
340
Well, it just happened.
341
I mean, her son and Jake are friends, which is how we met, and we, you know, hit it off.
342
You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
343
No, no. You marry his pediatrician.
344
He's got you there, sweetie.
345
You know, there's a rumor going around that Lindsay was in a softcore porn movie before she got married.
346
Really? Which one?
347
I don't know, but I've been checking Cinemax every night for months.
348
Oh, I love their stuff.
349
It's classy, right?
350
A little story, nice lighting.
351
You never have to see the guy's junk.
352
What is wrong with you?
353
You don't like seeing that stuff either.
354
Charlie, would you like some pizza?
355
No, thanks.
356
I'm kind of on a health kick.
357
Didn't you tell me he quit drinking?
358
He actually thinks he did.
359
Hello?
360
Oh, hey, Herm.
361
What's up?
362
Really?
363
Right now?
364
Hang on. Are you sure?
365
Wait, wait, wait.
366
Lindsay?
367
Mm -hmm?
368
Never mind.
369
You're right, it's her.
370
Okay, thanks.
371
Great, great.
372
Have a nice shower.
373
Boy, she sure does like the whipped cream.
374
Morning.
375
Morning.
376
Dean Martin and the Gold Digger keep you up again last night?
377
He's lost his mind, Berta.
378
All he does is have sex with her and spend money on her.
379
Sometimes he spends money on her while he's having sex with her.
380
How's that?
381
I picked up the phone and accidentally overheard a very disturbing call to QVC.
382
Pearl necklace.
383
I'll say no more.
384
Morning.
385
Morning.
386
Morning.
387
Nice shirt.
388
It's not too subtle, is it?
389
Something wrong with your arm?
390
I'm not sure.
391
I think I pinched a nerve last night reaching around and trying to scratch Courtney's back.
392
Her back?
393
Trying to be delicate here, Alan.
394
And God knows we appreciate it.
395
Good morning, everyone.
396
Morning.
397
Morning, baby.
398
Car keys?
399
Credit card.
400
Kiss?
401
See ya. Have fun. Have fun?
402
You just gave her the keys to your Mercedes and an unlimited credit card.
403
Yeah, so?
404
That's fun.
405
Can't you see she's using you?
406
I should have seen the way she used me last night.
407
In fact, you can.
408
Oh, no. No, I don't, I don't.
409
I just don't want to see you get played by her again.
410
Relax.
411
I know what I'm doing.
412
I'm having fun.
413
She's having fun.
414
Nobody's getting hurt.
415
You have a black eye and a dead arm.
416
Obviously, we have different definitions of fun.
417
What is wrong with him?
418
Classic case of the J .J fever.
419
Colorfully put.
420
I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
421
Sooner or later, all men fall for it.
422
How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
423
You got a condo in Palm Springs?
424
No, figure of speech.
425
Don't try to stop by.
426
Morning.
427
Morning.
428
You found the stache, huh?
429
Wasn't well hidden.
430
Okay, just for the record, that stuff's medicinal.
431
I've got glaucoma.
432
What are you talking about?
433
Nothing.
434
Morning.
435
Morning.
436
So where'd you disappear to last night?
437
Me?
438
I decided to take a little drive, Give you a chance to calm down about Charity Kirschenbaum.
439
I'm perfectly calm.
440
Good.
441
Who's Charity Kirschenbaum?
442
Hey, it's just a little thing that's not worth getting upset about.
443
And hey, what the hell are you doing with my cookies?
444
They're yours?
445
You know they're mine.
446
Oh, so you're saying I took something that belonged to you and you're upset?
447
Oh.
448
Oh, come on, Alan.
449
I love Charity Kirshenbaum, and you stole her right out from under me.
450
He's speaking metaphorically, right?
451
Yeah, he was never on top of that.
452
I would have been if it weren't for you.
453
Okay, fine.
454
I took your girl 20 years ago.
455
That calls for maybe five, six cookies, tops, not the whole damn bag.
456
I had to go to junior prom with cousin Phoebe.
457
She was cute.
458
She was 12 and in a body cast. So what?
459
She was your cousin.
460
She could have been 18 and in a cellophane bikini and you weren't gonna get any?
461
You are a horrible human being, and I hope you burn in hell. So we're good?
462
No!
463
We're not good!
464
We suck!
465
Freshen that up for you?
466
Thanks.
467
You betrayed me!
468
I hate you!
469
I hate you!
470
I hate you!
471
I hate ya!
472
Sounds like he's going for a bike ride.
473
Excuse me.
474
I brought you some fresh towels, Gail.
475
Oh, too sweet.
476
Sure, sweet.
477
Go smell his maroon.
478
Morning.
479
Good, you're up.
480
I made you some toast.
481
Here's your orange juice.
482
Oh, thank you, honey.
483
I'll see you later.
484
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
485
You're leaving?
486
I told you I have to go into work today.
487
But what about Gail?
488
She can take care of herself.
489
I think she's already made a new friend.
490
Yeah, I saw.
491
You don't think he's got a shot, do you?
492
Charlie, you're horrible.
493
I was joking.
494
So how long are you going to be gone?
495
I'll be home for dinner.
496
I thought maybe I'd pick up some Chinese food and we could stay in.
497
Is she nuts?
498
I can't be trusted alone with that chick.
499
Wait, maybe this is a test.
500
A trap.
501
The two of them are in cahoots to find out if I'll make a move.
502
Cahoots.
503
That's a funny word.
504
Sounds like an owl sneezing.
505
C -C -Cahoots!
506
So, I'll call you later.
507
Absolutely.
508
Morning, Alan.
509
Oh, uh, morning.
510
Thank you again for letting Gail have your room.
511
Oh, don't be silly.
512
Happy to do it.
513
Me casa, her casa.
514
Actually, it's his casa, but the dehumidifier and the nightlight belong to me.
515
Still very nice of you.
516
See you later.
517
What you got going on today?
518
Gonna play a little tennis in 1958?
519
This whole thing?
520
This is just my knock -around clothes.
521
So, what's the story on Gail?
522
Bad breakup?
523
Something like that.
524
So, she's on the rebound?
525
Where are you going with this, Alan?
526
Oh, nowhere.
527
I'm just curious about her.
528
And, you know, when we met last night, I sensed a little spark between us.
529
If there was a spark, that's only because she was warming up her taser.
530
Car wash.
531
They found something real interesting in the back seat.
532
Oh, yeah, what?
533
Okay, now you're just showing off.
534
No, Alan, I'm not.
535
Although, I have to admit, That is a sexy little item.
536
It is, isn't it?
537
Yeah, yeah.
538
I'd like to meet the lady who fills this.
539
Actually, you know her.
540
Oh, really?
541
Uh, Lisa?
542
No. Jennifer?
543
Who's Jennifer?
544
Oh, right, no. Well, then who?
545
I can tell you.
546
But once I do, I can't untell you.
547
What are you talking about?
548
Who borrowed my car last weekend?
549
Holy mother of God!
550
No, no. Unholy mother of us.
551
Mom in a car?
552
Mom in my car.
553
I'd have known this was gonna happen.
554
I'd have gotten the vinyl seats.
555
Wait, wait, wait.
556
You're not just gonna leave it in the middle of the floor, are you?
557
Really creeps you out, doesn't it?
558
No. Then pick it up.
559
Thank you.
560
Now remember, if you want to drive
561
Grandma's car again, you can't be telling her about it.
562
I know.
563
Or Mom, or anybody else.
564
Daddy doesn't need the grief.
565
That was really cool, Dad.
566
Thanks.
567
Yeah.
568
Yeah, it was.
569
Hey, it just occurred to me, if Greg's here, we can ask him about going out on the boat.
570
No, I'm not going to ask Greg about going.
571
Hey, hi, Judith.
572
Uh, here he is, safe and sound.
573
Oh, hey, honey.
574
Hey, Mom, guess what we just did.
575
What?
576
Nothing in particular.
577
That's a kid's joke.
578
Nothing in particular.
579
He's been doing it to us all weekend.
580
So we'll, uh, okay.
581
Bye.
582
Uh, Alan.
583
Alan.
584
Ask about the boat.
585
Uh, listen, next weekend...
586
Yeah, yeah, I know.
587
You and Greg are taking
588
Jake's scuba diving.
589
Uh, no, that's the thing.
590
Greg and I have decided not to see each other anymore, so if you haven't made any plans, you can have Jake.
591
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to have him.
592
And I'm sorry to hear about you and Greg.
593
Thank you.
594
Is there anything I can do?
595
Yeah, you can wipe that smirk off your face.
596
Okay, well, uh, bye -bye.
597
Bye.
598
She broke up.
599
Alan.
600
Yeah?
601
People.
602
Ah.
603
What did I miss?
604
Nothing.
605
I don't think he's told her yet.
606
What are you doing here?
607
You finished cleaning hours ago.
608
I took a nap in the laundry room so I'd be fresh with the big show.
609
Okay, I think he's going for it.
610
Wow, that went surprisingly well.
611
Well, damn.
612
Wait a minute, what's he doing?
613
There you go.
614
See you tomorrow.
615
Okay, we'll make a list.
616
The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill.
617
Mom?
618
Well, he certainly understands women.
619
Okay, that's a pro.
620
He used to be a woman.
621
I'll put con.
622
He slept with Charlie when he was a woman.
623
Pro.
624
No, wait, con.
625
Definitely con.
626
He knows what I like in bed.
627
He knows what I like in bed.
628
We'll call that a wash.
629
What's the score?
630
It's about even.
631
He's gorgeous.
632
He can afford beachfront property.
633
And he's got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly.
634
Don't wait up.
635
Mommy's got a date.
636
Wow.
637
You look tired.
638
Yesterday, I had a quarter tank of gas.
639
Today, I drive a mile into Topanga Canyon, and bang, empty.
640
Huh.
641
There's no cell coverage up there.
642
So I had to hump all the way back down to the beach to call AAA.
643
Oh, that's a shame.
644
Shame my ass.
645
How the hell did a quarter tank of gas disappear overnight?
646
It's a mystery.
647
Wait a minute.
648
I smell gasoline.
649
Really?
650
I don't smell anything.
651
You have gas on your breath.
652
You siphoned my tank.
653
Oh, please.
654
You think I stuck a rubber hose down your gas tank, sucked on it until the gas ran out of your tank and into mine,
655
thereby compensating me for the $38 you owe me?
656
That's preposterous.
657
Yeah.
658
Yeah, you're right.
659
What was I thinking?
660
What are you doing?
661
Give me a favor.
662
Say, preposterous again.
663
You're crazy!
664
Get that away from me!
665
Oh, come on.
666
Come on.
667
Just for grins, say, help me.
668
My head's on fire.
669
All right, all right, all right.
670
I sucked the gas out of your car.
671
Now turn that off.
672
Okay, fine.
673
Well played.
674
You got your money back.
675
Uh, actually, at $4 .73 .9 a gallon, you had only $13 .22 worth in your tank.
676
So you still owe me $24 .78.
677
get out what get out of my house
678
you know what i just might no no no might implies you have a choice oh oh
679
so you're gonna throw me out over 24 .78 no i'm throwing you out
680
because you're a cheap gas -sucking flammable irk i am not cheap leaving Ow, ow.
681
But especially for his little buddy.
682
It's good.
683
Well, save room.
684
I got a half gallon of that double fudge brownie ice cream you like.
685
I don't know.
686
I'm pretty stuffed.
687
You sure?
688
Maybe after I poop.
689
What are you doing?
690
We're eating dinner.
691
He had dinner an hour ago.
692
Well, then he won't need breakfast.
693
I thought I would.
694
Have you had enough to eat?
695
Hey, Jake, you know what I like to do after a nice big meal?
696
What?
697
Learn to dance.
698
Charlie?
699
Yeah?
700
Private word.
701
Sure.
702
What's up?
703
Shame on you.
704
Is that it?
705
You found that girl, and now you have some kind of depraved plan to use my son as bait.
706
Yeah, so?
707
It's not like he pays rent.
708
Why shouldn't he pitch in a little?
709
I will not allow it.
710
Oh, come on.
711
It's just a couple of ballet lessons.
712
B -ballet?
713
Him?
714
I think he has a quiet grace about him.
715
He doesn't have to be good at it.
716
He just has to show up.
717
One lesson, I'm begging you.
718
You know what?
719
It really doesn't matter what I say.
720
You will never convince him to take ballet.
721
But if I can, will you stay out of it?
722
I guess.
723
Great.
724
Hey, Jake.
725
Okay, that might have been bad parenting on my point.
726
I've got a surprise for you.
727
Not my food, is it?
728
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
729
No, you're gonna get to do something that I'll bet no other boy in your class has ever done.
730
If it's sex, Mitch will find me and I already saw his cousin naked.
731
No, this is better than sex.
732
What?
733
How would he know?
734
You're gonna learn to dance ballet.
735
Wanna bet?
736
Okay, let me put it this way.
737
How much money would I have to give you to take ballet lessons?
738
I want $10.
739
Wait, hold on.
740
I want $1 ,000.
741
That's really unethical.
742
Oh, yeah, I'm the one on shaky moral ground.
743
Just take it.
744
Maybe it'll loosen you up.
745
I don't think so.
746
Recent studies indicate that ecstasy may well deplete your spinal fluid.
747
Yeah, so?
748
So, young lady, I am a chiropractor.
749
Woo.
750
You know what?
751
My date isn't working out.
752
Well, maybe you'd get somewhere if you stopped talking to her like you're her father.
753
Well, somebody has to, because her real father has obviously dropped the ball.
754
Oh, wonderful.
755
A smoker.
756
So I guess you're counting on stem cell research to replace your spine and lungs?
757
Alan, Alan, you're embarrassing me.
758
Oh, I'm embarrassing you?
759
Look at yourself.
760
You're standing in line in a dank alley in the middle of the urine district.
761
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
762
This is the hippest club in town.
763
Oh, hip schmip.
764
It's a toilet with a doorman.
765
Somebody lit a doobie.
766
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
767
That is definitely the ganja.
768
Oh, great.
769
Now we're all gonna get busted.
770
Why don't you just relax and let yourself have some fun?
771
Oh, this is fun for you?
772
Exhaust fumes and refurbished smoke.
773
Let me tell you something, Charlie.
774
I'm not a kid anymore.
775
I need plenty of rest, exercise, and a high -fiber diet. And...
776
Oh, perfect.
777
I just stepped on a condom.
778
Go ahead.
779
Have a good time.
780
Hold it.
781
Well, we're with them.
782
I don't think so.
783
No, no. We are.
784
Although, truth be told, I don't see a long -term relationship in the office.
785
You understand.
786
Don't touch the rope.
787
Sorry.
788
I didn't realize you were king of the rope.
789
Look, if you're not on the list, you're not getting in.
790
Did you let the girls in?
791
Alan.
792
He let the girls in.
793
That's because pretty girls dress up the place.
794
Watch how this works.
795
Listen, why don't you check your list for Jackson?
796
Andrew Jackson.
797
Nope.
798
Got Tito and Latoya.
799
OK.
800
What if I change my name to...
801
Ulysses S.
802
Grant?
803
You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice.
804
If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting it.
805
All right, look.
806
I didn't want to have to play this card, but I'm Charlie Harper.
807
I'm in the music business.
808
I wrote the Maple Loops jingle.
809
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.
810
I love those cookies.
811
Great.
812
Got any onion?
813
No. Beat it.
814
Charlie, Charlie, let me handle this.
815
Sir?
816
I am Matthew Broderick. Who?
817
Bruno, you're with me.
818
Are you sure?
819
This is a good chance to cut them loose.
820
Guys, come on.
821
Matthew Broderick is a gifted actor, and the toast of Broadway.
822
Hey, dogs.
823
Oh, hey.
824
Hey, Jake.
825
Alan, here.
826
I need you to sign these papers for Jake's summer school.
827
Uh, summer school again?
828
Why not?
829
He's getting good at it.
830
Oh, my Lord.
831
Who is that?
832
He's my handyman.
833
Really?
834
I've been looking for a good handyman.
835
Well, it's a little soon to know how good he is.
836
I'll find out.
837
I'm starting to see a trend here.
838
Bésame, bésame mucho.
839
Conosí fuera, es que no ch...
840
That bony bitch!
841
Yep, definitely a trend.
842
Man...
843
Summer school three years in a row.
844
They might as well just make you the janitor
845
Uh, well, school sucks
846
That's because you go year -round
847
Imagine if you had a couple of months off in the summer
848
If I were you, I'd start teaching him how to throw sawdust on vomit I could do that
849
Mind you, just go start your homework
850
What's the point?
851
I'm already going to summer school
852
Jake And if I flog there, what can they do?
853
Send me to regular school?
854
Go.
855
Actually, that sawdust job might be a pipe dream.
856
Is the big one gone?
857
Yeah, she went to get something waxed.
858
We were scared to ask what.
859
I just wanted to tell you ourselves what you save you some money on the Redwood.
860
Oh, that's terrific.
861
How?
862
My cousin, he works at a lumberyard, and...
863
that's all you need to know.
864
Well, thanks.
865
No problem.
866
I'll give out your work.
867
I like this guy.
868
Of course you do.
869
What's that supposed to mean?
870
Charlie, he's a younger version of you.
871
Oh, yeah, that must be it.
872
Go get it.
873
There you go.
874
He could be a doorman.
875
Charlie, I really don't appreciate...
876
I'm not saying right away.
877
He could work his way up from door stop.
878
Oh, come on.
879
We had an adventure.
880
Dad?
881
Yeah, buddy?
882
Fight me.
883
You'll see.
884
Someday you and I will look back on this weekend and laugh and laugh.
885
I didn't say someday soon.
886
Hey, come on.
887
I thought you liked wet T -shirts.
888
Hey.
889
Hey.
890
Shut up.
891
Oh, come on now.
892
Let me both know I can't do that.
893
What do you want me to say?
894
It was a bad idea?
895
Okay, it was a bad idea.
896
I mean, the only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort with pooping into a coffee can.
897
It wasn't chock full of nuts, was it?
898
Sorry.
899
Sorry.
900
Where's Jake?
901
He went back to his friends in Hooterville.
902
Well, I can't blame him.
903
It never rains in Hooterville.
904
Look, Alan, seriously, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
905
I know your heart was in the right place.
906
Thank you.
907
Now, I finished the limerick.
908
You want to hear it?
909
Too soon.
910
You don't get it.
911
You don't understand what it's like to be a little boy's best friend, to be someone he looks up to,
912
And then one day you turn around
913
and the only person he looks up to is covered with baby oil and nailed to the ceiling
914
Count your blessings.
915
There's all kinds of pictures that could have been up there.
916
Yeah, I guess it could have been the Moscow ballet
917
That it's still I can't help it feel a little empty inside like
918
Like a chapter of my life is over
919
So you've still got plenty to look forward to you mean besides work loneliness and death Absolutely.
920
There's memory loss.
921
Impotence.
922
Adult diapers.
923
I'm all you've got, pal.
924
That's true.
925
My wives are gone.
926
My son has grown.
927
But I'll always have you.
928
My brother.
929
Forever.
930
Okay, now I was just having fun, but that was mean.
931
Look, don't worry.
932
You'll grow into it.
933
Just once.
934
I like to get close to fitting out.
935
You wanna quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
936
Quit being so cheap and we'll talk about it.
937
Hey, hey, watch your mouth.
938
Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
939
Yeah, wait till he tries on the underwear I bought him.
940
What's that?
941
The decorative bowl.
942
I thought it would be perfect to put our keys in.
943
Yeah, well, I don't like it.
944
Take it back.
945
But it was on sale.
946
I don't care if you got it free with a paid subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
947
I don't want it on my table.
948
Why not?
949
Why not?
950
Look around.
951
It doesn't fit the decor.
952
Decor?
953
You call this decor?
954
What would you call it?
955
Random crapola.
956
The deep sea helmet.
957
The fake jazz posters add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants and you can open a TGI Friday's.
958
Excuse me, but everything in this house has a story behind it.
959
Oh, oh, really?
960
Oh, so what's the story behind this urn thing?
961
Some girl gave that to me.
962
That's it?
963
She spent the weekend.
964
Ooh, great story.
965
No, great weekend.
966
Okay, okay.
967
What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
968
A girl gave me that, too.
969
Another great weekend?
970
Not so great.
971
It was raining.
972
All right, why don't you just pretend a girl gave you this bowl?
973
It doesn't work that way.
974
You'd have to wear high heels and give it to me naked.
975
Nobody wants that.
976
Fine, whatever.
977
I like the bowl.
978
Okay, Alan, you're not feeling me.
979
I don't want your bowl on my table.
980
So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
981
Hey, leave Jake out of this.
982
Very funny.
983
You know what I mean.
984
Actually, I don't.
985
The fact is, this house reeks of you and your crap.
986
Oh, really?
987
Like what?
988
Like this lamp.
989
You bought this lamp.
990
I hate this lamp.
991
Then why didn't you say something when I bought it two years ago?
992
Because I didn't notice it until recently. And the couch.
993
You reupholstered the couch, and I liked it better the way it was.
994
Stained?
995
Hey, every one of those stains had a story behind it.
996
Oh, ugh.
997
What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about.
998
You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom.
999
Hey, those towels are very pretty.
1000
They brighten up the whole room.
1001
They're gay and they scream civil union.
1002
Oh, they do not.
1003
We're here, we're queer.
1004
Dry your hands on us.
1005
Okay, okay.
1006
You know what?
1007
You are being ridiculous.
1008
When you want to have a rational conversation, I'll be in my room.
1009
It's not your room.
1010
It's my guest room.
1011
Oh, well, obviously we disagree about my role in this household.
1012
We sure do.
1013
You think you have one, and I don't.
1014
And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch.
1015
No one's welcome here.
Scarica l'app
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Pronuncia con IAVoto per ogni frase
Pratica IPAPadroneggia ogni suono
VocabolarioCostruisci il tuo lessico
Gioco di vocabolarioImpara giocando
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Vocabolario e note di pronuncia per questa lezione
Questa lezione di conversazione si basa sul video “Proof That Alan and Charlie Really Are Brothers”. Questo video contiene 1015 frasi e 5731 parole da ripetere con lo shadowing. Il parlato dura 45:44. Chi parla mantiene un ritmo costante di circa 125 parole al minuto, comodo per lo shadowing. Solo il 81% delle parole rientra nelle 3.000 più comuni dell’inglese, quindi il lessico è impegnativo. 213 delle sue 1015 frasi sono domande: un buon esercizio per l’intonazione interrogativa e le risposte brevi.
Vocaboli chiave di questo video
15 parole del video che vale la pena imparare, con pronuncia e significato:
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| funeral sostantivo | /ˈfju.nəɹ.əl/ | funerale |
| ballet sostantivo | /bælˈeɪ/ | balletto |
| suck verbo | /sʌk/ | succhiare, suggere |
| cousin sostantivo | /ˈkʌz(ə)n/ | cugino, cugina |
| lesson sostantivo | /ˈlɛs.ən/ | lezione |
| ridiculous aggettivo | /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/ | ridicolo |
| cookie sostantivo | /ˈkʊki/ | biscotto |
| lamp sostantivo | /ˈlæ̝mp/ | lampada, lampadina |
| towel sostantivo | /ˈtaʊ̯əl/ | asciugamano |
| terrific aggettivo | eccezionale, stupendo | |
| horrible aggettivo | /ˈhɔɹ.ɪ.bəl/ | orribile, terribile |
| naked aggettivo | /ˈneɪkɪd/ | nudo, ignudo |
| crack sostantivo | /kɹæk/ | crepa, fessura |
| buddy | /ˈbʌdi/ | amico, compagno |
| bother verbo | /ˈbɑðɚ/ | disturbare, infastidire |
I phrasal verb che sentirai
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| end up verbo | andare a finire, finire | |
| find out verbo | scoprire | |
| go ahead verbo | /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ | procedere, andare avanti |
| pick up verbo | tirare su, sollevare | |
| break up verbo | spezzettare, tagliuzzare | |
| fit out verbo | arredare | |
| get up to verbo | commettere | |
| go back verbo | tornare |
Frasi da ripetere
Frasi brevi e complete del video che puoi riutilizzare nella conversazione di tutti i giorni:
- Sure you can't stay for dinner?
- You're not gonna call her, are you?
- Yes, morning becomes me, doesn't it?
- You got another move I ain't heard about?
- Wait, do you think it's fair?
La grammatica di questo video
Le strutture che chi parla usa di più, con le parole esatte del video:
| Struttura | Nel video |
|---|---|
| Frasi condizionali if + frase, will/would + verbo — una condizione e il suo risultato | If I miss, I'll take · If it goes in, I'll call · If only more of my friends would die |
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — un’azione iniziata prima e ancora in corso | I've been checking · He's been doing · I've been looking |
| “Used to” used to + verbo — un’abitudine o uno stato passato che non è più vero | used to be |
| Forma passiva be + participio passato — conta ciò che accade, non chi lo fa | was drunk · wasn't cast · should be shot |
Pronuncia a cui fare attenzione
Chi parla usa 253 contrazioni e forme ridotte, come don't, you're, I'm. Pronunciale nella forma breve, così come le senti.
- I suoni “th”: bother /ˈbɑðɚ/, theater /ˈθi(ə)tɚ/, thereby /ðɛɹˈbaɪ/
- I suoni “sh” e “zh”: garage /ɡəˈɹɑʒ/, reception /ɹɪˈsɛp.ʃn̩/, obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, rational /ˈɹæʃ(ə)nəl/, subscription /səbˈskɹɪpʃən/
- Parole lunghe — attenzione all’accento: ridiculous /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/, celebrity /səˈlɛb.ɹɪ.ɾi/, virtually /ˈvɚ.t͡ʃə.wə.li/, accidentally /ˌæk.sɪˈdɛnt(ə)li/, unlimited /ʌnˈlɪm.ɪ.tɪd/
I suoni difficili per chi parla italiano:
- /h/ — va soffiata, non è muta: horrible /ˈhɔɹ.ɪ.bəl/, honey /ˈhʌni/, household /ˈhaʊshoʊld/, whoever /huˈɛvɚ/, nowhere /ˈnoʊ.(h)wɛɹ/
- Consonante finale — senza aggiungere una vocale dopo: suck /sʌk/, ridiculous /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/, lamp /ˈlæ̝mp/, naked /ˈneɪkɪd/, crack /kɹæk/
- /æ/ — più aperta della “e”: ballet /bælˈeɪ/, lamp /ˈlæ̝mp/, crack /kɹæk/, relax /ɹɪˈlæks/, gallon /ˈɡælən/
Come esercitarsi con questo video
- Ascolta tutto il video una volta senza parlare e annota le parole che non conosci.
- Fai shadowing frase per frase a velocità normale, ripetendo ognuna finché il tuo ritmo coincide con quello di chi parla.
- Registrati e confronta con l’originale, facendo attenzione a parole come funeral, ballet, suck.
Cos'è la tecnica dello Shadowing?
Shadowing è una tecnica di apprendimento delle lingue supportata da studi scientifici, originariamente sviluppata per la formazione dei traduttori professionisti e resa popolare dal poliglotta Dr. Alexander Arguelles. Il metodo è semplice ma potente: ascolti un audio in inglese di madrelingua e lo ripeti immediatamente ad alta voce — come un'ombra che segue il parlante con un ritardo di solo 1–2 secondi. A differenza dell'ascolto passivo o degli esercizi di grammatica, lo shadowing costringe il tuo cervello e i muscoli della bocca a elaborare e riprodurre simultaneamente i modelli di discorso reale. La ricerca dimostra che migliora significativamente la precisione della pronuncia, l'intonazione, il ritmo, il discorso connesso, la comprensione dell'ascolto e la fluidità del parlato — rendendolo uno dei metodi più efficaci per la preparazione alla prova di speaking dell'IELTS e per la comunicazione reale in inglese.