쉐도잉 연습: How to ACTUALLY Let Them? - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

I'm gonna ruin your perception on life in this video, and you are gonna thank me eventually.

Everybody says, let them.

We've all heard it by now.

Let them lose you, let them treat you badly, let them walk away, let them be who they are, and let them show you who they actually are, and believe them when they show you.

And I agree with that.

Sometimes some people just need to free up some space for something better to come into your life.

But why is everybody positioning it like it's something that you can just snap your fingers and let go of.

You can just literally wake up and not care.

Why is nobody talking about how hard it actually is to let them?

Just let them doesn't work.

It's not a willpower problem.

It's not that you're weak.

It's a brain problem.

How do you actually let them?

How can you just throw your heart on the ground, step on it, throw your ego there as well, just stab it and leave?

It seems simple.

The concept itself, it's very simple.

Whenever somebody mistreats you, whenever somebody shows you who they really are, you should let them and you should leave.

Seems easy, right?

But it's actually not.

How do you step on your own heart and say, nope, this is not for me.

I'm gonna stab you.

I'm gonna leave you here and I'm gonna walk away.

Hi guys, my name is Valeria and in these videos I talk about everything related to self-development, self-improvement and ultimately I'm here to help you become your best self.

Welcome or welcome back.

My electricity is going on and off So if you hear an annoying beeping sound in the background, that's my electricity going on and off.

But we are here to talk.

We are here to talk about let them theory.

When you finally actually let somebody go, not to get them back, not to get revenge, but genuinely letting someone go,

releasing someone, it shifts towards something nobody is talking about and nobody is warning you about.

You get into an extreme grieving phase.

You do not feel instant release.

You don't feel instant rush of happiness you might feel a little bit more energy

because you stop wasting it on people who do not deserve it.

But something nobody talks about is the grieving phase and a huge grieving feeling that you get after you release people.

It doesn't feel powerful or enlightening.

So yesterday I spent almost the whole day crying, which made me want to record this video.

Things are just not working out how I plan them to work out.

People are not doing things that I want them to do.

A lot of people are disappointing me, things that I hoped for got canceled.

It feels like everything is falling apart, right?

Everything that I thought would go one way is going another way.

And I know I should let it.

And I know you're like, yeah, Valerie, you're sitting in Bali crying because of that stuff.

Cry me everywhere.

I did.

And the process I went through was very reflective.

And like I journaled a lot.

And I guess I had to go through this crying evening

for at least one purpose to share what i realized with

you how to actually let things happen how to actually let them go how to actually accept the fact

that you're feeling miserable but there are things

that you just have to do that you just understand

that are logical it feels like you're a child who's in the store crying

because she wants ice cream or like a toy

and she's throwing these tent rooms and crying and asking for a toy

and at the same time you're also a parent who's dragging the child away knowing it's what's best for him

and you're in this weird dynamic with yourself where on one side you're a child

and on the other side you're also a parent who knows what's best for you

but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt doesn't mean

that you can just stop the tantrum i guess that's what parenting yourself feels like the best way

that i figured out how to let them how to let

things happen how to let them lose you is by growing

that internal parent by making

that internal parent stronger than your internal child who is throwing tantrums

and says no but i love them but i want them

but i miss them

but i want them back your inner parent has to be

stronger than your inner child in order for you to stay strong step on your ego step on your heart

and walk away so today we're not answering the question why you should let them

or whether you should let them

if you're watching this video you already know the answer

and deep down we do always know the answer we do know what's good

and what's bad for us

and whenever something doesn't feel right you should listen to it there is a saying

if how do you say it correctly

if you're imagining something you're not imagining i don't know how to say it in english correctly

but basically the whole idea if you're feeling something it's already real the feeling is real

if you're feeling not valued if you're feeling unhappy that doesn't mean

that you're imagining stuff that doesn't mean

that you're overthinking even though you can the feeling is already

real enough for you to consider something yes maybe consider the way you're thinking

but also there can be multiple reasons why you can be feeling this way

but the feeling itself is already valid enough

and is already real for you to take some action before

we get into the good juicy stuff let's break down why just let them doesn't work.

It's not a willpower problem.

It's not that you're weak.

It's a brain problem.

So there was a research in some university that studied people who went through the breakup.

And what it showed is that whenever people saw pictures of their exes, it triggered the same pain responses as if they were shocked by electricity

or had an actual physical pain social rejection activated the same

exact brain regions as actual physical pain your brain literally cannot

tell the difference between being left by someone you loved

and being burned it feels all the same to your brain

and another big trick or life hack or brain hack is

that your brain doesn't understand the difference between what's real

or the things that you're imagining basically that means

that you can be traumatized by movies well not in

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that sense but things that you're imagining things

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that you're relieving in your head your brain will have the exact same response as

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if it was happening actually so whenever you're rethinking about the breakup whenever you're rethinking about

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that person or relieving the situations

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and the scenarios it will trigger the same pain response like the one

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that you felt in that moment to your nervous system leaving people breakup emotional pain is

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that deep it is

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that deep telling someone to just get over it just forget

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about them just let them leave is the same thing as

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telling somebody with a broken arm to just stop hurting that's

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why advice let them without framework feels like almost like a joke

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and a little bit cruel you're asking somebody to override basically a pain signal

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so whenever i understood the parenting and the child analogy i was meditating yesterday

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when i was crying and i was having my little breakdown i decided to meditate

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and to see what's going on and i saw this image of inner child

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and the inner parent and like this whole situation

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and my inner child was like throwing tantrums

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and crying just being upset like everything is not working out

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the way i want to work out people are disappointing me i'm

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so sad blah blah blah blah blah an inner parent

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and i was like okay that's interesting no way i'm the only one experiencing

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that so i started researching the best thing i can do top one things

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that i do whenever i'm upset or whenever i experience something is i research

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because i'm kind of logical person i like to understand the

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science behind stuff i like to connect my experience to science

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so i researched

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and apparently it's a thing there is a theory there is

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a framework in psychology basically like a therapeutic model called internal family systems

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so the core idea is that your mind isn't one unified thing

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so you do have multiple personalities within you it's made up of different parts

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so basically like an internal family

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and they do not always agree understanding this concept helped me

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kind of like pinpoint where i should direct my energy

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and attention to what should i focus on in order to feel better

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and to parent myself so i'm gonna share it with you

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so basically there are three main parts the exile is your

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inner child all the wounds within you all the traumas within

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you most likely this inner child has them it's carrying the trauma flag it's the part

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that learned early on that love is conditional that people can abandon you

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that you have to earn affection basically all the trauma all the wounds

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that you're carrying the exile is the one terrified right now

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the exile is the one throwing tantrums it wants the person back

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because that person represents the source of safety for the child even

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if the person was hurting you sometimes we even project our own parents onto these people but let's not get into that.

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Another part is the protector.

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It's the part that tries to manage the exile's pain.

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It has all these like defense mechanisms, so it tries to protect the exile's pain by over-explaining,

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people-pleasing, over-functioning or staying in situations when you already need to leave just in order to avoid pain.

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These are the defense mechanisms that are saying if I try harder, they might change.

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If I love them enough, they will love me back.

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If I give them one more chance it will be different

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this time all of these things these are basically defense mechanisms

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and these are basically things that are not real

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that are never gonna happen most likely

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but you're doing these things in order to protect your inner child from the pain of leaving

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that person for example the protector thinks it's helping

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but what actually is happening is it's keeping you stuck it

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stops you from moving forward it stops you from walking away from the situations that are actually hurting you, your brain is just trying to protect you.

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You are just trying to protect yourself.

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The thing is, your brain doesn't always understand what's best for you.

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That's where the third part comes in.

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The higher self, the adult, the self, whatever you want to call it, it's you that is calm, that is cool, that is collected,

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that is grown up, and the version of you that can see the full picture, that can understand things logically.

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It doesn't panic, it doesn't chase, it says, this is not good for us, that's why we need to walk away.

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Or, I know it's hard, but we just have to go through this.

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Basically, the inner parent, that's parenting the inner child.

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The problem is whenever you're going through the breakup or you're like me, throwing little tantrums and having a little cry, the selves, the inner parent's voice,

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get silenced by the exiles, the inner child's tantrums, by inner child's pain.

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You know deep down that you should let them go, but the inner child is screaming so loudly, you cannot actually hear or differentiate or pay attention to that voice.

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So that's where the ice cream shop battle is happening.

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And here's the framework I figured out is good to help you go through these situations and to help you help yourself.

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So basically whenever something like that happens, the first thing you need to do is to understand which part is in control right now.

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Is it the one who is throwing every defense mechanism just to avoid the pain?

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Is that the part that is wounded who wants love, who wants protection, who wants to be cared, who doesn't want to be left alone,

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or is it the part that is cool and collected and logical and rational?

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The next time you feel the pull to check their social media, to message them, to hold them, to forgive them, to give them another chance, ask yourself which part of me actually wants this.

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Nine times out of ten it's not the adult, it's not the rational part of you.

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Once you can name the part

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that is driving the situation it kind of first loses its grip

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and gives you back the control because you become the observer

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and you decide where to direct your energy to it can

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basically feel like sitting the whole family at the table like

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you can have a small conciliam you can ask what the

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inner child wants you can ask the inner parent what's like

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their opinion on the situation you can ask the protector what are they trying to do

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and why they're trying to do it to see

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and understand the situation fully

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and then to be like the judge of the situation you're not fighting yourself anymore you're making conscious decisions

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and you're returning power back to yourself the next thing is

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feel the pain without acting on it sometimes you just need the child to throw tantrums

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and you just need to sit through them you just need

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to i'm talking about like even actual parenting even though i'm

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not a parent sometimes you just need to hold their hand

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and say i understand you're upset i understand you're very hurt you need to explain

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and like reflect their emotions back to them say i know

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you're hurt you're probably feeling pain you're probably upset i understand

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that and i'm here with you and i love you

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and just sit there with them and let them feel their emotions

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and let the emotions pass you need to do the same

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thing to yourself you need to feel the emotions you don't

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need to suppress them you need to cry like i did

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yesterday slow throw a little tantrum just try to do it in private maybe

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and just let the emotions pass you need to hold your hands through

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that and you need to print yourself through that

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and just let the emotions go trust me no emotion

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if you process it correctly is gonna stay for longer than an hour

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and even if it does it's gonna go back

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and forth in waves and you just need to live through that

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so treat it like an actual wound no need to rationalize

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it no need to explain it just sit with it okay this has happened yes i'm hurting

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and let your body do the healing let yourself heal you

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cannot rationalize your wound to heal you just need to sit in it

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but here's another crucial part don't let the inner child make the decisions and don't let the pain decide your actions.

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A feeling is an information, not an instruction, not an action plan.

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You can grieve someone and still not message them.

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You can feel the pain of losing someone and still not pick up the phone when they are calling.

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Trust me, you can.

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And the decision that you make when the pain is the loudest is the one that sticks, is the one that will define how you feel about yourself.

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Because let me tell you, every time you promise yourself you're not gonna call them, that is the last time you forgive them, you're not gonna take them back and you break that promise,

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you lose the most important thing and that is trust in yourself and believe in yourself.

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You lose a piece and a part of yourself and at the end you'll be left with nothing.

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And when I mean nothing, you might have this person, you might have money, you might have safety and security, but you will feel so deeply empty inside with no foundation,

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with no grounding, that no other person will be able to replace that emptiness.

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So trust me when I say this, the cost of lying to yourself the cost of breaking promises to yourself is very high

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and whenever you'll feel it it will be very hard to rebuild it back it is possible

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but it will be very hard

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so every time you make the decision to betray yourself to lie to yourself to not choose yourself just know

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that the choice you're making is going to cost you in

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the future first time your inner parent your higher self will fight second time it probably will as well

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but the more you break promises to yourself the more you promise yourself you're not going to do it

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and you repeat it the less fight it will bring

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and at some point it won't even be there it will just give up

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that what losing yourself is so let's get to the third part is making promises

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that are small

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and easy enough to keep don't say i'm never talking to

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them ever again your brain will not believe you your inner child will not like

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that it's gonna throw another tantrum

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and it will be even harder to resist set goals

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and say things like i'm not texting them today i'm not texting them within the the next hour.

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That's it.

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One small thing.

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That's how you will build up that inner parent, because every time you will keep that micro promise,

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your strengths and your self-trust and your inner parent will become stronger and stronger.

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Your brain will update itself, your brain will update the files and believe that, okay, it's okay, we survived it.

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And also, oh, it's okay, we can rely on ourselves.

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I am strong enough to handle stuff.

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That's what having an inner parent is like.

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That's what having a higher self and a foundation within yourself is like.

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Understanding that you can handle any in your life by yourself and you are all you need.

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And in order to have this belief, in order to have this foundation, you need to prove it by taking actual actions because your brain only believes evidence.

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It doesn't believe your affirmations or your self-talk.

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The next step is fill the part, fill the empty space with something else it can be new

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hobby it can be new friends it can be i don't

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know new experiences move your body not for fitness purposes

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or in order to glow up so perfectly

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that you wouldn't even want to be with that person anymore

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and you would feel so much better about yourself

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but in order to discharge all the negative energy

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but also glowing up to the point where you feel like

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only the old version of you would tolerate this relationship you would feel

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so good about yourself

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that you wouldn't even want to go back there is also

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not a bad advice that's what i like to do i want to feel

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so confident and so proud of myself internally

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that just a thought of going back to

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that person it feels illogical it doesn't make sense anymore we are not in the same place

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and i'm not saying i'm better than them i'm just saying

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that we went such different ways we are not gonna connect in any way anymore journal not to self-analyze

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but to be with yourself to help yourself build something a new project start making jewelry whatever

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that is find a new hobby build new neural pathways

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because the more neural pathways you build the easier it's kind

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of to let go of the old ones to let go of your old self

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and another part is

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that you need to grieve you need to grieve who first who you wanted

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that person to be who you imagined that person to be

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but secondly who you imagined yourself to be with that person

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and future you saw for yourself with

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that person you need to actually grieve it like it's

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that person because it is a dead part of you

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that part of you is gone that part of you died that's why grief feels so significant

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because it is you're not just letting go of the person you're letting go of the future you imagine

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and you're letting go of the person you were with them

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and you're letting go of the person you saw yourself in the future with them

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and be realistic understand the difference between mourning who they actually are

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because probably they are not the person you want to spend the rest of your life was

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and mourning who you wanted them to be and seeing the difference

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and seeing the reality was one of the hardest things about the breakup just seeing who the person actually is

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because i i love denial i love believing in the best in people i love seeing the best in people

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so whenever something bad happens i always excuse people and

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that is something that i had to work on i am much more unapologetic right now

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but i like to believe the best in people

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and sometimes you do not need to believe in the best in people sometimes you need to finally choose yourself

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and love yourself enough to see the truth to see

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that sometimes shrek is not gonna become a prince charming he will always stay a shrek another tip

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and another practice is actually reparent yourself in real time like sitting in yourself

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and talk to yourself i do

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that i decided to share what i was going through

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so i'm just gonna share what i was actually going through

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and that is actually like sitting with myself

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and talking to myself having an actual inner dialogue like oh my god i missed them i want the back

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and the inner band says i know you do

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that makes sense that's okay to feel that way but

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that feeling came from a cost you weren't willing to pay anymore what

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if nobody else makes me feel this way there are seven

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billion people on this planet there will be another person who will make you feel

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that way and what if you were certain

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that somebody will love you the way you want to be loved

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and you will meet them for sure would you still want to go back to

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that person no of course i wouldn't but you get the point

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and then one day you actually wake up and you do move on

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and your inner child starts relying on yourself and your inner parent more

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and starts trusting the inner parent more

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and the gentrums just stop at some point at some point the child forgets that they wanted that toy.

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And the truth about letting go, it was never about letting them, letting them go.

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It's not about them at all.

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It's about whether you have the strengths and believe

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that you trust yourself enough to survive the pain of losing somebody who was never actually meant for you, who was never actually yours.

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It's about building the internal voice that is strong and that is loud, that whenever it says I've got you, you actually believe it.

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And that is all I have for you guys today hopefully

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that helped and if you did leave a comment like share comment subscribe i'll see you in the next one

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쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법