Shadowing Practice: Esther Perel on How Dating Has Changed over the Last 20 Years - Learn English Speaking with YouTube
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I pulled myself into one,
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I pulled myself into one,
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a set of very specific questions at the time, right?
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Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?
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Why does good sex fade even in couples who love each other as much as ever?
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Why does sex make babies and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
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Why is the forbidden so erotic?
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And when you love, how does it feel?
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And when you desire, how is it different?
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Those were the questions.
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We got church, we got desired church already.
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Yes, those were the questions that fueled you.
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Yes, and I think these questions still hold today.
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Yeah, I think we need this more than ever today.
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So that didn't really change.
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And I looked at what is the tension that exists
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when our pursuit for secure love clashes with our pursuit for freedom and excitement excitement.
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And the question was, you know,
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what is the nature of erotic desire in the long haul?
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Anyone have an answer yet?
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No. Okay.
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That was the question.
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I still don't fully have an answer,
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but I spent 20 years after that really deepening those very questions.
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What holds excitement?
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How do we maintain aliveness in a relationship in the long haul?
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Okay.
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And so that's why you're reissuing the book.
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Yes.
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To give us that answer.
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Yeah, well, to give us a way to think about it.
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I don't know that there are always specific answers.
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Because the specific answers would mean that there is a general overall answer for everybody.
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Specific answer would be to say that Victoria's Secret can solve it all.
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And there is no Victor's Secret.
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Yes, yes, yeah.
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You know, and that it's a matter of tips.
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There are a lot of different ways to think about it that actually can change your life.
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But it's not just about tips.
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It's about invitations.
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Right.
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How do we begin to institute that in our lives?
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How do we do that?
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Desire is to own the wanting.
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It's when you know that you want something and often you want it because you can't have it.
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And you feel wanted because someone else is choosing you versus others.
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Yeah.
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And therefore, Which is its own eroticism to feel wanted, isn't it?
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That's it.
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That's it.
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That's it.
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You know, I feel unique, indispensable, irreplaceable.
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I feel chosen.
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I feel special.
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I feel wanted.
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Yeah.
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And I feel loved.
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And that's why so many relationships fall apart because you no longer feel desired or have the desire because you're not desired.
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Correct.
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That's what you just added is important,
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is that it is a reciprocal cycle.
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It is reciprocal.
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So, of course, I respond to your desire.
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You respond to mine.
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If I don't feel yours,
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I can continue to feel desire.
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I can continue to want someone who doesn't want me. That exists.
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But there is something different when I respond to the wanting of someone else.
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Well, 20 years ago you wrote,
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intimacy has become the sovereign antidote for lives of increasing isolation.
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In our world of instant communication,
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we supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connections.
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This social frenzy masks a profound hunger for human contact.
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Now, you wrote that in 2006.
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We barely had Facebook.
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I had the chills.
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And you knew then that there was a deeper shift in relationships coming.
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How has intimate contact changed in the 20 years since you wrote this?
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You know what's interesting?
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2006, I'm looking at how do we sustain desire.
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2026, I am more and more busy working with people who don't know how to ignite it in the first place.
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2006. Church!
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It helps.
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Keep doing it.
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Everybody went together.
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Well, audience, we got something to talk about here today.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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And then 2006, basically we were beginning to postpone the age of commitment and marriage.
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Beginning to postpone.
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Yes, by 10 years.
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Yeah.
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Instead of being 1920, we became 2930.
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Yeah.
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Now we postpone basically sex for 10 years.
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It's not happening at 16.
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It's our first experiences is sometimes at 26, related sex.
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That means that there's an entire decade of experiences.
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of looking at somebody, wondering if they're looking at you.
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Do we have eye contact?
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Is it me you're looking at or it's actually the person next to you?
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Maybe I don't have my glasses either.
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You know, sitting next to someone,
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wondering if they're going to touch your leg,
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if there's going to be something.
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Am I as interested as you're interested?
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Is your interest, you know,
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what I think it is?
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Or am I completely delusional?
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All of that teenage, young 20s is really diminishing in full force. And why?
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Because of the devices?
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Because we live in a contactless world more and more,
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because we live in a world where we don't need to
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leave home to do some of the most important things that used to put us into the world and into society.
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Because we have gotten used to having devices in our hands.
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These gizmos, I can't believe I even used that term then.
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You know, that basically you try to give us instant answers without any doubt and ambiguity about where to go,
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what to do, what to eat,
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what to listen to next.
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And it is polished and it is wrinkle free and it is so soft and it is completely frictionless.
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And now I'd want that same experience with you, human.
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And I want you to be as predictable and as perfect
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and as wrinkle-free and polished as this little thing that is playing in my hand all the time.
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Yeah. And then...
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I want no trouble from you.
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I want...
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No. I don't want no trouble.
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Exactly.
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I want no trouble.
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I don't want you to have a bad mood.
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I don't want you to have doubts.
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I don't want you to have needs that compete with my own.
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And I especially don't want you to disagree with me.
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Wow.
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So we can all feel this, right?
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We can feel our disconnection is getting worse.
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But you say there's a path forward.
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What is it?
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I mean, the path forward is that we long for connection.
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That has not changed.
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Well, that's why we have the little gizmo in our hand.
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That's why we're trying to connect.
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The gizmo is an interesting paradox because we have never been more connected and we have never been less accessible.
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Ooh.
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We have never been more connected and we have never been more disconnected.
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Modern loneliness masks itself as hyper-connectivity.
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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Church.
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It's funny, it's like a...
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Yeah, yeah.
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You say couples are so damn tired that they have sex really at the bottom of the to-do list.
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Yeah.
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Here's the Amen Choir over here.
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No, no, this woman's list is so long that the thing doesn't appear on the page anymore.
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It's not even on the page.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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And that, how do we begin to flip that?
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I mean, the first thing is,
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I would say touch before sex.
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Touch.
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Just touch.
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We can live without sex,
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but we can't really live without touch.
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We become irritable, aggressive, depressed.
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We are touch creatures.
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We are held for such a long period before we can even crawl or walk.
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We need that kind of physical connection.
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And one of the things that is changing in this moment is that we are more and more in a disembodied reality.
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We are on screens.
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We don't look up.
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We sit like this.
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We don't notice the people around us.
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We don't have the opportunity to smell,
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to hear gesture, rhythm, sound of voice.
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all these things that come with a body.
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And that is changing the way we love and the way we desire.
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Wow.
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Context & Background
In this enlightening discussion, renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel delves into the complexities of modern dating and intimate relationships. Over the past two decades, she has explored pivotal questions surrounding intimacy, desire, and the dynamics that fuel romantic connections. Perel highlights the ongoing tension between the need for secure love and the desire for freedom and excitement, asserting that these themes remain relevant today more than ever. Her insights reveal that while tips and advice exist, the real journey lies in understanding our emotions and desires on a deeper level.
Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication
- Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?
- What holds excitement in a long-term relationship?
- Desire is to own the wanting.
- It’s about invitations, not just tips.
- How do we maintain aliveness in a relationship?
Step-by-step Shadowing Guide
To effectively utilize the shadowing technique with this video, follow these easy steps to enhance your speaking skills:
- Select a Segment: Choose a short segment from the transcript, such as when Perel discusses the nature of erotic desire. Listening to smaller sections allows for focused practice.
- Listen Thoroughly: Use your favorite shadowing app to listen to the audio, paying close attention to Perel's intonation, pace, and emotion. Notice how she emphasizes certain phrases.
- Repeat & Imitate: Start imitating her speech immediately after hearing a phrase. Focus on mimicking her tone and rhythm as closely as possible. This process, known as shadowspeak, is key to improving your pronunciation and fluency.
- Record Yourself: After some practice, record yourself repeating the phrases. Listening to your own voice helps you identify areas that need improvement.
- Reflect & Refine: Compare your recordings with the original audio to evaluate your progress. Take notes on specific aspects to enhance, such as clarity or emotion, and practice accordingly.
By engaging in this shadow speech practice, learners can improve their conversational skills while exploring thought-provoking topics in modern relationships. Adopting the shadowing technique will help you become more confident and articulate in English, especially when discussing complex themes like those presented by Esther Perel.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.
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