Практика Shadowing: Esther Perel on How Dating Has Changed over the Last 20 Years - Изучайте разговорный английский с YouTube
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I pulled myself into one,
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I pulled myself into one,
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a set of very specific questions at the time, right?
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Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?
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Why does good sex fade even in couples who love each other as much as ever?
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Why does sex make babies and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
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Why is the forbidden so erotic?
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And when you love, how does it feel?
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And when you desire, how is it different?
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Those were the questions.
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We got church, we got desired church already.
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Yes, those were the questions that fueled you.
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Yes, and I think these questions still hold today.
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Yeah, I think we need this more than ever today.
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So that didn't really change.
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And I looked at what is the tension that exists
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when our pursuit for secure love clashes with our pursuit for freedom and excitement excitement.
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And the question was, you know,
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what is the nature of erotic desire in the long haul?
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Anyone have an answer yet?
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No. Okay.
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That was the question.
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I still don't fully have an answer,
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but I spent 20 years after that really deepening those very questions.
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What holds excitement?
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How do we maintain aliveness in a relationship in the long haul?
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Okay.
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And so that's why you're reissuing the book.
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Yes.
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To give us that answer.
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Yeah, well, to give us a way to think about it.
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I don't know that there are always specific answers.
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Because the specific answers would mean that there is a general overall answer for everybody.
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Specific answer would be to say that Victoria's Secret can solve it all.
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And there is no Victor's Secret.
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Yes, yes, yeah.
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You know, and that it's a matter of tips.
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There are a lot of different ways to think about it that actually can change your life.
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But it's not just about tips.
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It's about invitations.
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Right.
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How do we begin to institute that in our lives?
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How do we do that?
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Desire is to own the wanting.
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It's when you know that you want something and often you want it because you can't have it.
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And you feel wanted because someone else is choosing you versus others.
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Yeah.
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And therefore, Which is its own eroticism to feel wanted, isn't it?
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That's it.
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That's it.
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That's it.
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You know, I feel unique, indispensable, irreplaceable.
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I feel chosen.
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I feel special.
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I feel wanted.
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Yeah.
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And I feel loved.
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And that's why so many relationships fall apart because you no longer feel desired or have the desire because you're not desired.
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Correct.
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That's what you just added is important,
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is that it is a reciprocal cycle.
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It is reciprocal.
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So, of course, I respond to your desire.
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You respond to mine.
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If I don't feel yours,
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I can continue to feel desire.
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I can continue to want someone who doesn't want me. That exists.
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But there is something different when I respond to the wanting of someone else.
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Well, 20 years ago you wrote,
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intimacy has become the sovereign antidote for lives of increasing isolation.
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In our world of instant communication,
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we supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connections.
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This social frenzy masks a profound hunger for human contact.
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Now, you wrote that in 2006.
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We barely had Facebook.
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I had the chills.
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And you knew then that there was a deeper shift in relationships coming.
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How has intimate contact changed in the 20 years since you wrote this?
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You know what's interesting?
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2006, I'm looking at how do we sustain desire.
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2026, I am more and more busy working with people who don't know how to ignite it in the first place.
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2006. Church!
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It helps.
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Keep doing it.
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Everybody went together.
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Well, audience, we got something to talk about here today.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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And then 2006, basically we were beginning to postpone the age of commitment and marriage.
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Beginning to postpone.
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Yes, by 10 years.
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Yeah.
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Instead of being 1920, we became 2930.
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Yeah.
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Now we postpone basically sex for 10 years.
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It's not happening at 16.
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It's our first experiences is sometimes at 26, related sex.
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That means that there's an entire decade of experiences.
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of looking at somebody, wondering if they're looking at you.
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Do we have eye contact?
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Is it me you're looking at or it's actually the person next to you?
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Maybe I don't have my glasses either.
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You know, sitting next to someone,
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wondering if they're going to touch your leg,
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if there's going to be something.
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Am I as interested as you're interested?
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Is your interest, you know,
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what I think it is?
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Or am I completely delusional?
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All of that teenage, young 20s is really diminishing in full force. And why?
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Because of the devices?
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Because we live in a contactless world more and more,
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because we live in a world where we don't need to
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leave home to do some of the most important things that used to put us into the world and into society.
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Because we have gotten used to having devices in our hands.
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These gizmos, I can't believe I even used that term then.
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You know, that basically you try to give us instant answers without any doubt and ambiguity about where to go,
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what to do, what to eat,
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what to listen to next.
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And it is polished and it is wrinkle free and it is so soft and it is completely frictionless.
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And now I'd want that same experience with you, human.
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And I want you to be as predictable and as perfect
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and as wrinkle-free and polished as this little thing that is playing in my hand all the time.
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Yeah. And then...
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I want no trouble from you.
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I want...
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No. I don't want no trouble.
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Exactly.
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I want no trouble.
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I don't want you to have a bad mood.
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I don't want you to have doubts.
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I don't want you to have needs that compete with my own.
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And I especially don't want you to disagree with me.
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Wow.
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So we can all feel this, right?
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We can feel our disconnection is getting worse.
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But you say there's a path forward.
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What is it?
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I mean, the path forward is that we long for connection.
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That has not changed.
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Well, that's why we have the little gizmo in our hand.
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That's why we're trying to connect.
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The gizmo is an interesting paradox because we have never been more connected and we have never been less accessible.
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Ooh.
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We have never been more connected and we have never been more disconnected.
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Modern loneliness masks itself as hyper-connectivity.
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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Church.
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It's funny, it's like a...
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Yeah, yeah.
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You say couples are so damn tired that they have sex really at the bottom of the to-do list.
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Yeah.
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Here's the Amen Choir over here.
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No, no, this woman's list is so long that the thing doesn't appear on the page anymore.
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It's not even on the page.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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And that, how do we begin to flip that?
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I mean, the first thing is,
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I would say touch before sex.
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Touch.
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Just touch.
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We can live without sex,
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but we can't really live without touch.
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We become irritable, aggressive, depressed.
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We are touch creatures.
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We are held for such a long period before we can even crawl or walk.
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We need that kind of physical connection.
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And one of the things that is changing in this moment is that we are more and more in a disembodied reality.
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We are on screens.
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We don't look up.
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We sit like this.
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We don't notice the people around us.
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We don't have the opportunity to smell,
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to hear gesture, rhythm, sound of voice.
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all these things that come with a body.
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And that is changing the way we love and the way we desire.
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Wow.
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Эсфер Перель — известный психолог и автор, обсуждает изменения в мире свиданий за последние 20 лет. Она задает ключевые вопросы о природе близости, сексуальности и желания в долгосрочных отношениях. Перель акцентирует внимание на том, как у нас возникает стремление к безопасной любви в противовес стремлению к свободе и приключениям. Ее исследования подчеркивают важность понимания этих вопросов для построения здоровых отношений.
Топ-5 фраз для повседневного общения
- «Почему хорошая близость не гарантирует хороший секс?» — Эта фраза задает вопрос о важности эмоциональной связи в сексуальных отношениях.
- «Как поддерживать живость в отношениях на протяжении долгого времени?» — Напоминает о необходимости работы над отношениями.
- «Что такое эротическое желание в долгосрочной перспективе?» — Задаёт тон более глубокого анализа человеческих отношений.
- «Как мы можем начать внедрять это в нашу жизнь?» — Вопрос о действиях и практическом применении теорий в реальной жизни.
- «Каково это — чувствовать себя желанным?» — Эта фраза подчеркивает важность взаимного выбора в отношениях.
Пошаговое руководство по Shadowing
Shadowing — это эффективный метод обучения английскому языку, который позволит вам лучше освоить произношение и интонацию. Вот как можно использовать материалы из видео Эсфер Перель:
- Выбор фразы: Начните с одной из топ-фраз из видео. Выберите ту, которая вам наиболее интересна или актуальна.
- Прослушивание: Воспроизведите фразу несколько раз. Слушайте, как произносит её Эсфер. Обратите внимание на интонацию и акценты.
- Повторение: Попробуйте произнести фразу одновременно с Эсфер. Это может помочь улучшить ваше произношение. Используйте shadow speech для максимальной эффективности.
- Анализ: Запишите своё произношение на диктофон и затем сравните его с оригиналом. Обратите внимание на области, в которых вы можете улучшиться.
- Регулярная практика: Повторяйте процесс с разными фразами из видео. Чем больше вы будете практиковаться, тем лучше будет ваше произношение и понимание английского.
Использование методов shadowspeaks и shadow speak не только улучшит ваш словарный запас, но и сделает речь более свободной. Попробуйте регулярно задействовать этот подход, и вы заметите заметные изменения в своей уверенности при speaking.
Что такое техника Shadowing?
Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.
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