ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: Esther Perel on How Dating Has Changed over the Last 20 Years

I pulled myself into one,

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I pulled myself into one,

a set of very specific questions at the time, right?

Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?

Why does good sex fade even in couples who love each other as much as ever?

Why does sex make babies and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

Why is the forbidden so erotic?

And when you love, how does it feel?

And when you desire, how is it different?

Those were the questions.

We got church, we got desired church already.

Yes, those were the questions that fueled you.

Yes, and I think these questions still hold today.

Yeah, I think we need this more than ever today.

So that didn't really change.

And I looked at what is the tension that exists

when our pursuit for secure love clashes with our pursuit for freedom and excitement excitement.

And the question was, you know,

what is the nature of erotic desire in the long haul?

Anyone have an answer yet?

No. Okay.

That was the question.

I still don't fully have an answer,

but I spent 20 years after that really deepening those very questions.

What holds excitement?

How do we maintain aliveness in a relationship in the long haul?

Okay.

And so that's why you're reissuing the book.

Yes.

To give us that answer.

Yeah, well, to give us a way to think about it.

I don't know that there are always specific answers.

Because the specific answers would mean that there is a general overall answer for everybody.

Specific answer would be to say that Victoria's Secret can solve it all.

And there is no Victor's Secret.

Yes, yes, yeah.

You know, and that it's a matter of tips.

There are a lot of different ways to think about it that actually can change your life.

But it's not just about tips.

It's about invitations.

Right.

How do we begin to institute that in our lives?

How do we do that?

Desire is to own the wanting.

It's when you know that you want something and often you want it because you can't have it.

And you feel wanted because someone else is choosing you versus others.

Yeah.

And therefore, Which is its own eroticism to feel wanted, isn't it?

That's it.

You know, I feel unique, indispensable, irreplaceable.

I feel chosen.

I feel special.

I feel wanted.

Yeah.

And I feel loved.

And that's why so many relationships fall apart because you no longer feel desired or have the desire because you're not desired.

Correct.

That's what you just added is important,

is that it is a reciprocal cycle.

It is reciprocal.

So, of course, I respond to your desire.

You respond to mine.

If I don't feel yours,

I can continue to feel desire.

I can continue to want someone who doesn't want me. That exists.

But there is something different when I respond to the wanting of someone else.

Well, 20 years ago you wrote,

intimacy has become the sovereign antidote for lives of increasing isolation.

In our world of instant communication,

we supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connections.

This social frenzy masks a profound hunger for human contact.

Now, you wrote that in 2006.

We barely had Facebook.

I had the chills.

And you knew then that there was a deeper shift in relationships coming.

How has intimate contact changed in the 20 years since you wrote this?

You know what's interesting?

2006, I'm looking at how do we sustain desire.

2026, I am more and more busy working with people who don't know how to ignite it in the first place.

2006. Church!

It helps.

Keep doing it.

Everybody went together.

Well, audience, we got something to talk about here today.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then 2006, basically we were beginning to postpone the age of commitment and marriage.

Beginning to postpone.

Yes, by 10 years.

Yeah.

Instead of being 1920, we became 2930.

Yeah.

Now we postpone basically sex for 10 years.

It's not happening at 16.

It's our first experiences is sometimes at 26, related sex.

That means that there's an entire decade of experiences.

of looking at somebody, wondering if they're looking at you.

Do we have eye contact?

100

Is it me you're looking at or it's actually the person next to you?

101

Maybe I don't have my glasses either.

102

You know, sitting next to someone,

103

wondering if they're going to touch your leg,

104

if there's going to be something.

105

Am I as interested as you're interested?

106

Is your interest, you know,

107

what I think it is?

108

Or am I completely delusional?

109

All of that teenage, young 20s is really diminishing in full force. And why?

110

Because of the devices?

111

Because we live in a contactless world more and more,

112

because we live in a world where we don't need to

113

leave home to do some of the most important things that used to put us into the world and into society.

114

Because we have gotten used to having devices in our hands.

115

These gizmos, I can't believe I even used that term then.

116

You know, that basically you try to give us instant answers without any doubt and ambiguity about where to go,

117

what to do, what to eat,

118

what to listen to next.

119

And it is polished and it is wrinkle free and it is so soft and it is completely frictionless.

120

And now I'd want that same experience with you, human.

121

And I want you to be as predictable and as perfect

122

and as wrinkle-free and polished as this little thing that is playing in my hand all the time.

123

Yeah. And then...

124

I want no trouble from you.

125

I want...

126

No. I don't want no trouble.

127

Exactly.

128

I want no trouble.

129

I don't want you to have a bad mood.

130

I don't want you to have doubts.

131

I don't want you to have needs that compete with my own.

132

And I especially don't want you to disagree with me.

133

Wow.

134

So we can all feel this, right?

135

We can feel our disconnection is getting worse.

136

But you say there's a path forward.

137

What is it?

138

I mean, the path forward is that we long for connection.

139

That has not changed.

140

Well, that's why we have the little gizmo in our hand.

141

That's why we're trying to connect.

142

The gizmo is an interesting paradox because we have never been more connected and we have never been less accessible.

143

Ooh.

144

We have never been more connected and we have never been more disconnected.

145

Modern loneliness masks itself as hyper-connectivity.

146

Yeah.

147

Wow.

148

Church.

149

It's funny, it's like a...

150

Yeah, yeah.

151

You say couples are so damn tired that they have sex really at the bottom of the to-do list.

152

Yeah.

153

Here's the Amen Choir over here.

154

No, no, this woman's list is so long that the thing doesn't appear on the page anymore.

155

It's not even on the page.

156

Yes.

157

Yes.

158

And that, how do we begin to flip that?

159

I mean, the first thing is,

160

I would say touch before sex.

161

Touch.

162

Just touch.

163

We can live without sex,

164

but we can't really live without touch.

165

We become irritable, aggressive, depressed.

166

We are touch creatures.

167

We are held for such a long period before we can even crawl or walk.

168

We need that kind of physical connection.

169

And one of the things that is changing in this moment is that we are more and more in a disembodied reality.

170

We are on screens.

171

We don't look up.

172

We sit like this.

173

We don't notice the people around us.

174

We don't have the opportunity to smell,

175

to hear gesture, rhythm, sound of voice.

176

all these things that come with a body.

177

And that is changing the way we love and the way we desire.

178

Wow.

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ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: Esther Perel on How Dating Has Changed over the Last 20 Years

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