跟讀練習: Christopher Hitchens, God And Cancer. - 通過影片學習英語口語

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Anderson Cooper, AC 360, CNN Weeknights 10 Eastern.
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When did you realize something was wrong?
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It was in the middle of my tour for my memoir, my Hitch 22.
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And I was feeling a bit ropey, but I wrote it down to overwork.
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And I rather enjoy the feeling of burning a candle at both ends and living a 36-hour day.
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But it abruptly was born in on me that that was an illusion.
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It was a morning, I couldn't get out of bed.
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Something was obviously wrong with my heart and my lungs.
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This was in New York.
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You felt it as soon as you woke up.
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Oh, yeah.
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I couldn't move, really.
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And I thought, no, this is not, you know, there's an expression about, I woke up feeling like death.
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I've had that.
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But this was not like that.
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You had some rough mornings.
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This was like that.
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I thought, maybe I'm dying.
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And when you found out what kind of cancer it was, it's the same sort of cancer your father had.
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Yeah, one of the first things that I thought was, that's what killed the old man.
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My dad died of a heart attack when he was 50, and I really don't want to die of a heart attack.
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Like, for some odd reason, the idea of dying, it's not even the age thing, it's just having that for some reason.
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So did that cross your mind?
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You don't feel any filial piety about the disease that killed your father.
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And then the second thought was a rather selfish one, I suppose, or self-centered.
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I thought, would he live to be 79?
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I'm 61.
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So that question, why me, came across your mind?
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Well, you can't avoid the question, however stoic you are.
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You can only bat it away as a silly one.
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I mean, millions of people die every day.
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Everyone's got to go sometime.
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I came by this particular tumor, honestly.
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I mean, if you smoke, which I did for many years, very heavily, with occasional interruptions,
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and if you use alcohol, you make yourself a candidate for it.
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In your 60s.
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You said you burned the candle at both ends.
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And it gave a lovely light.
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It gave a lovely light.
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But do you think of that the way you lived is responsible for this Well, it would be very idle to deny it and I might as well say to anyone who might be
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Watching if you can hold it down on the smokes and the cocktails you might be well advised to do so
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That's probably the subtlest anti-smoking message I've ever heard Well, the other ones tend to be rather strident.
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That's true.
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And for that reason easy to ignore.
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Yeah, so you are hopeful Well, I'm not fatalistic.
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I'm not resigned.
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But I'm realistic too.
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The statistics in my case are very poor.
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Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it.
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Well, not for long.
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I know you know that there are people praying for you.
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There are prayer groups, actually.
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And you've talked about that a little bit.
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What do you think about that, the fact that people are praying for you?
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There are people who are praying for me to suffer and die.
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They have lavish websites relishing my...
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Really?
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Oh, yeah.
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And then there are people, much more numerous, I must say,
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and nicer, who are praying either that I get better or that I redeem myself,
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that I make peace with the Almighty, that my soul gets saved even if my wretched carcass does not.
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And some pray for both.
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And in fact, the 20th of September has been designated Everyone Pray for Hitching Day on one website, in case you want to mark your...
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Mark the guy.
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...for that.
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I shall not be taking part in that.
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So you don't pray at all?
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No. No, all that's meaningless to me.
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I don't think that souls or bodies can be changed by incantation, or anything else, by the way.
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So do you tell people not to do it for you?
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No. I say if it makes you feel better, then you have my blessing.
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It's interesting hearing you talk about it.
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I mean, obviously you are an intellectual, and you seem to be dealing with it in an intellectual way.
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Does that make sense?
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I mean, you seem to be looking at this, trying to look at this as rationally as possible.
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What about the emotional side?
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Well let's say as objectively as possible.
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Objectively?
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Yes.
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And I mean to my, slightly to my own surprise, because I'm not by any means tear-proof, I haven't wept at any point yet,
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maybe that's to come, but I've become moist when I think about my children, for whom it's a nasty shock.
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Part of the book that really resonated with me is you write, and it's in the first chapter, you write about your mom who committed suicide.
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I have a brother who committed suicide as well.
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And it's certainly, it's something that unless you've sort of had it touched down in your life,
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it's, one doesn't really sort of realize the impact it can have.
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What kind of an impact did it have on you?
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My mother took her own life in a suicide pact with
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a lover after the failure of her marriage to my father when she was still quite young.
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And I was terribly upset at the thought
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that someone as vivacious as her would
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or could ever get to a point where she would think there was no point in any further life.
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And that was succeeded by the feeling that I, who was very close to her, should have been able to give her some such reason.
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And I think I describe what I know I do in the book, the awful discovery I made in the hotel in Athens where she took her life.
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That, because it was the old days of switchboards, I went through all the records, she'd made several efforts to call my number in London and I'd never been at home.
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And I've never been able to lose the feeling
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that she was probably calling in the hope of finding a handhold of some sort of some sort to cling to, and that if she'd heard my voice, because I could almost always make her laugh,
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in fact I could invariably make her laugh however blue she was, that I could have saved her.
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So as a result I've never had what people like to call closure.
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I mean it's remained an open...
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I think that word closure though is such a ridiculous word.
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I mean, it's such a TV word.
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Every time I hear it, I feel it's...
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People speak it who have not lost anyone and don't understand that there is no such thing as...
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There is no such thing, A.
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And B, it wouldn't be worth having if it were available, because all it would mean was that some quite important part of you had gone numb.
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And you think, oh, how nice, I don't feel anything about her anymore.
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No. Actually, I want to read something else that you wrote in...
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He said, I've been in denial for some time, knowingly burning the candle at both ends and finding that it often gives a lovely light.
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But for precisely that reason, I can't see myself smiting my brow with shock or hear myself whining about how it's also unfair.
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I've been taunting the Reaper into taking a free scythe in my direction.
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I've now succumbed to something so predictable and banal that it bores even me.
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Rage would be beside the point for the same reason.
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Do you find this boring in a way?
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Yes.
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In fact, I sometimes think that's what'll kill me.
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The mundane nature?
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Having to sit through chemotherapy, for example, is an almost zen experience of boredom.
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You can't do much except read.
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You don't feel great and you're watching poison go into your arm.
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People are saying you should be struggling, battling cancer.
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You're not battling it.
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You couldn't be living a more passive moment than that.
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You feel as if you're drowning in powerlessness.
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In a moment of doubt, isn't there, I don't know, I just find it fascinating that even when you're alone and no one else is watching,
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that there might be a moment where you want hedge your bets.
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If that comes it'll be when I'm very ill,
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when I'm half demented either by drugs or by pain, I won't have control over what I say.
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I mention this in case you ever hear a rumor later on, because these things happen and the faithful love to spread these rumors, you know, on his death, Bertie Fernley.
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Well, I can't say that the entity that by then wouldn't be me wouldn't do such a pathetic thing, but I can tell you it not
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while I'm lucid no I could be quite sure of that
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so if there is some story that on your deathbed don't believe it don't believe it don't credit it

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