ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: Christopher Hitchens, God And Cancer.

Anderson Cooper, AC 360, CNN Weeknights 10 Eastern.

When did you realize something was wrong?

It was in the middle of my tour for my memoir, my Hitch 22.

And I was feeling a bit ropey, but I wrote it down to overwork.

And I rather enjoy the feeling of burning a candle at both ends and living a 36-hour day.

But it abruptly was born in on me that that was an illusion.

It was a morning, I couldn't get out of bed.

Something was obviously wrong with my heart and my lungs.

This was in New York.

You felt it as soon as you woke up.

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't move, really.

And I thought, no, this is not, you know, there's an expression about, I woke up feeling like death.

I've had that.

But this was not like that.

You had some rough mornings.

This was like that.

I thought, maybe I'm dying.

And when you found out what kind of cancer it was, it's the same sort of cancer your father had.

Yeah, one of the first things that I thought was, that's what killed the old man.

My dad died of a heart attack when he was 50, and I really don't want to die of a heart attack.

Like, for some odd reason, the idea of dying, it's not even the age thing, it's just having that for some reason.

So did that cross your mind?

You don't feel any filial piety about the disease that killed your father.

And then the second thought was a rather selfish one, I suppose, or self-centered.

I thought, would he live to be 79?

I'm 61.

So that question, why me, came across your mind?

Well, you can't avoid the question, however stoic you are.

You can only bat it away as a silly one.

I mean, millions of people die every day.

Everyone's got to go sometime.

I came by this particular tumor, honestly.

I mean, if you smoke, which I did for many years, very heavily, with occasional interruptions,

and if you use alcohol, you make yourself a candidate for it.

In your 60s.

You said you burned the candle at both ends.

And it gave a lovely light.

It gave a lovely light.

But do you think of that the way you lived is responsible for this Well, it would be very idle to deny it and I might as well say to anyone who might be

Watching if you can hold it down on the smokes and the cocktails you might be well advised to do so

That's probably the subtlest anti-smoking message I've ever heard Well, the other ones tend to be rather strident.

That's true.

And for that reason easy to ignore.

Yeah, so you are hopeful Well, I'm not fatalistic.

I'm not resigned.

But I'm realistic too.

The statistics in my case are very poor.

Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it.

Well, not for long.

I know you know that there are people praying for you.

There are prayer groups, actually.

And you've talked about that a little bit.

What do you think about that, the fact that people are praying for you?

There are people who are praying for me to suffer and die.

They have lavish websites relishing my...

Really?

Oh, yeah.

And then there are people, much more numerous, I must say,

and nicer, who are praying either that I get better or that I redeem myself,

that I make peace with the Almighty, that my soul gets saved even if my wretched carcass does not.

And some pray for both.

And in fact, the 20th of September has been designated Everyone Pray for Hitching Day on one website, in case you want to mark your...

Mark the guy.

...for that.

I shall not be taking part in that.

So you don't pray at all?

No. No, all that's meaningless to me.

I don't think that souls or bodies can be changed by incantation, or anything else, by the way.

So do you tell people not to do it for you?

No. I say if it makes you feel better, then you have my blessing.

It's interesting hearing you talk about it.

I mean, obviously you are an intellectual, and you seem to be dealing with it in an intellectual way.

Does that make sense?

I mean, you seem to be looking at this, trying to look at this as rationally as possible.

What about the emotional side?

Well let's say as objectively as possible.

Objectively?

Yes.

And I mean to my, slightly to my own surprise, because I'm not by any means tear-proof, I haven't wept at any point yet,

maybe that's to come, but I've become moist when I think about my children, for whom it's a nasty shock.

Part of the book that really resonated with me is you write, and it's in the first chapter, you write about your mom who committed suicide.

I have a brother who committed suicide as well.

And it's certainly, it's something that unless you've sort of had it touched down in your life,

it's, one doesn't really sort of realize the impact it can have.

What kind of an impact did it have on you?

My mother took her own life in a suicide pact with

a lover after the failure of her marriage to my father when she was still quite young.

And I was terribly upset at the thought

that someone as vivacious as her would

or could ever get to a point where she would think there was no point in any further life.

And that was succeeded by the feeling that I, who was very close to her, should have been able to give her some such reason.

And I think I describe what I know I do in the book, the awful discovery I made in the hotel in Athens where she took her life.

That, because it was the old days of switchboards, I went through all the records, she'd made several efforts to call my number in London and I'd never been at home.

And I've never been able to lose the feeling

that she was probably calling in the hope of finding a handhold of some sort of some sort to cling to, and that if she'd heard my voice, because I could almost always make her laugh,

in fact I could invariably make her laugh however blue she was, that I could have saved her.

So as a result I've never had what people like to call closure.

I mean it's remained an open...

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I think that word closure though is such a ridiculous word.

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I mean, it's such a TV word.

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Every time I hear it, I feel it's...

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People speak it who have not lost anyone and don't understand that there is no such thing as...

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There is no such thing, A.

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And B, it wouldn't be worth having if it were available, because all it would mean was that some quite important part of you had gone numb.

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And you think, oh, how nice, I don't feel anything about her anymore.

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No. Actually, I want to read something else that you wrote in...

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He said, I've been in denial for some time, knowingly burning the candle at both ends and finding that it often gives a lovely light.

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But for precisely that reason, I can't see myself smiting my brow with shock or hear myself whining about how it's also unfair.

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I've been taunting the Reaper into taking a free scythe in my direction.

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I've now succumbed to something so predictable and banal that it bores even me.

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Rage would be beside the point for the same reason.

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Do you find this boring in a way?

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Yes.

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In fact, I sometimes think that's what'll kill me.

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The mundane nature?

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Having to sit through chemotherapy, for example, is an almost zen experience of boredom.

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You can't do much except read.

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You don't feel great and you're watching poison go into your arm.

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People are saying you should be struggling, battling cancer.

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You're not battling it.

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You couldn't be living a more passive moment than that.

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You feel as if you're drowning in powerlessness.

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In a moment of doubt, isn't there, I don't know, I just find it fascinating that even when you're alone and no one else is watching,

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that there might be a moment where you want hedge your bets.

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If that comes it'll be when I'm very ill,

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when I'm half demented either by drugs or by pain, I won't have control over what I say.

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I mention this in case you ever hear a rumor later on, because these things happen and the faithful love to spread these rumors, you know, on his death, Bertie Fernley.

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Well, I can't say that the entity that by then wouldn't be me wouldn't do such a pathetic thing, but I can tell you it not

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while I'm lucid no I could be quite sure of that

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so if there is some story that on your deathbed don't believe it don't believe it don't credit it

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ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: Christopher Hitchens, God And Cancer.

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